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Local newspaper headlines watch

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    Local newspapers are notoriously awful/ hilarious. The ones where I live clearly have nothing better to do than tell the city about the weather we had a week ago, or about bins which keep falling over.

    What are your favourite headlines you've read in your local newspaper?

    My boyfriend found a pretty good one a couple of years ago, in the form of 'Shell found on beach'... :zomg: I'd LOVE to find the actual copy of this newspaper.
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    We had 'Woman Felled By Sheep' a few years ago which was an article well worth reading...
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    Mine are usually about pointless rows by councillors in the town hall. I never really care.
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    Mine are always things like
    '14 year old stabbed outside nightclub'
    '89 year old woman mugged for £2.50'

    Good old Ilford recorder for you.
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    Too many to name in the Metro tbh
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    I can't actually find any crud headlines all the ones in my paper are about rape and murder. Then again it is the Hull Daily Mail so shocking headlines about violence are a necessity in order to scare the wits out of the general population.
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    I rarely read the local newspaper, but here is was we have today:
    "Steven gets on his bike for charity" (some guy is going on a charity bike ride)
    "Full to the brim with waste" (now bins only get emptied once every 2 weeks)
    "shaping up for the future" (some guy has turned his gym into a night club)
    "Teens hurt in crash 'fireball'" (about a group of lads who crashed into a wall not wearing a helmet)

    Wow. :shifty:
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    Here's some for today:

    "Girl cut free from bus stop"
    "Toilets will close after vandalism follows £35,000 revamp"
    "Joan Collins visits Plymouth" woop-de-doo!
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    Looking at this week's Spalding Guardian, the front page is "Ran Down Man in 'Scare' Stunt". Inside, we have such gems as "Bat takes a breather in family's kitchen", "Parking issues are same for all" and "Gutters Will Be Swept". I'm in it this week because my parents did one of those birthday announcements for my 18th. :p:
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    "Cow Falls in hole"

    I remember reading after a...er...well cow fell down a ditch near a park/farm.
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    One brilliant example recently in the Kent Messenger was, "Fake Bomb Fails To Detonate". So not only is a story about something dramatic NOT happening, there was never any danger of said dramatic thing ever happening.

    Not to mention the endless stories about Operation Stack. Jesus, it's in there every week.
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    (Original post by Not Invented Yet)
    Looking at this week's Spalding Guardian, the front page is "Ran Down Man in 'Scare' Stunt". Inside, we have such gems as "Bat takes a breather in family's kitchen", "Parking issues are same for all" and "Gutters Will Be Swept". I'm in it this week because my parents did one of those birthday announcements for my 18th. :p:
    Hahahahaha oh god I'm actually laughing as I type this... it was the bat one I think, the phrasing is wonderful!
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    Here its always like :

    ''Young teenager stabbed''
    ''Gang member gunned down''
    ''Crime figures rise 99% in 1 year''
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    "Milkman hands in his float after 40 years"

    Oh the excitement.
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    I never really read local papers.
    Partly because I can't be arsed, also because I don't have time, and lastly because I don't really care that much, lol.
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    Was just motivated to look at the website for my local paper at home - their lead story is that Denise Van Outen is to become the face of our local shopping centre - since when small town centre shopping areas had celebrity sponsors? She must be very desperate for work, first Morrisons and now this!!

    some more marvellous headlines -
    'People have been very positive'
    'Park rail line is set to carry passengers' (no **** sherlock....)
    and
    'Paraplegic guilty of manslaughter of Streetly lecturer'....
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    Old man eats a bad sausage.
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    Best was the Aberdeen Press and Journal in 1914:
    "Giant Turnip found!"
    Then at the bottom of the page:
    "War breaks out in Europe"
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    My local newspaper always runs with some headline about a 'Pervert' or a 'Boozy Dad.' There's apparently a lot of flashers, sex offenders and alkie abusive fathers in this town.
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    It's usually pretty rubbish or sounds like a low-rent women's magazine like "mothers dismay as boy is raped by raving homosexual serial killer."
    but not that interesting sadly
 
 
 
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