Getting over someone.

Apologies, this might turn into a 2am drunken rant.

The four + year relationship I was in ended at the end of January. It was not a mutual decision. She ended things with me. However, it ended with her still claiming her feelings towards me hadn’t changed but as we had both started our first year at university, she claimed she needed the space to develop as an individual as all we knew was being a couple (Had been since 15). It sounds like an excuse just to avoid hurting me but after the initial hurt I started to understand a little. Or at least thought I did. Looking back maybe believing it was due to external reasons and not the fact she just didn’t feel the same way made things easier to deal with. We tried the whole ‘we can’t just cut each other out after 4 years so we’ll be friends’ thing. It was a hard term in uni for me and we didn’t talk much at all. The odd phone conversation mostly about trying to understand what was happening. They then turned into a few conversations about how we were actually going to get to a friendship stage. We decided to see each other over easter which basically brought everything to the surface again.

It was then that I knew things were different. She lied to me repeatedly about how much contact she was having with a mutual friend of ours (male). I basically thought something was going on as there would be no other reason for lying. She claimed she was just protecting me from reading to much into a situation. But anyway, we parted on bad terms after a few days together. She then finished out the easter abroad so I hadn’t spoken to her for 3 weeks. Now she made contact just to say, ‘I’m still not ready to cut you out of my life, but we can’t have the friendship I thought we could’. I’m angry with her for putting me in a situation where I no longer trust her and she’s angry for how I reacted because of that. Basically we agreed that not talking until summer is for the best as we have end of year exams and things to be concentrating on in uni. Also, I don’t think anything can be sorted over the phone.

The thing is, it’s now been 3 months since the break up and every time we talk it makes it feel fresh again. Has anyone had any experience coming out of a long term relationship? How long does it take to get over someone? She’s obviously moved on faster than me as it was her decision. Over the last three weeks I managed to move on a little but talking to her now and hearing her say things like, ‘I no longer want to explain myself to you’ and ‘all you’ve done is push us closer together (referring to the mutual friend)’ has just made me feel **** again. I’m just worried that I’ll spend the next 6 weeks kinda getting over things, if not that then at least putting them out of my mind, but when I speak to her or see her in summer it’s all going to feel like it did in January when we first broke up. It would have been 6 months by then.

Logically I keep telling myself to just forget about her and stop making things harder on myself. She’s moved on. She’s not acting in the way she did when we were together. I wouldn’t really expect her to but as she’s still claiming she loves me and nothing has changed etc…I know that something has changed or we would never have broken up. Trouble is emotion seems to always over-ride logic or rational thinking. I don’t think I can cut her out of my life. She’s been everything to me for as long as I can remember. We completed all our school exams together. Spent all our time together over the last 4 and half years. Travelled the world together during our gap year. Basically shared everything. Letting go is like admitting she’s dead. I still seem to be hanging on to this memory of how she was when we were together. A person that cared and always acted with both of us in mind. She’s no longer that person but every time I think about her or speak to her I still expect her to be. When she’s not it always hurts just as badly.

How do you get out of this kinda thing? When does it stop?

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Reply 1

ladyyamaha

Each person is different. It can take a short time to get over someone if you start to realize that it just wasn't meant to be. It can take a long time if you do not allow yourself to mourn the loss and hold on to it.

You ride the wave of pain until it subsides. There is no telling how long it will take.

I know it hurts...

Reply 2

Jimmy Riddle

Your names not Mark is it?... and the girl would be Laura?

Reply 3

katiesado

it sounds like a situation i had with my first serious boyfriend. i dated him from when i was 18-20 and it was very serious. we broke up because he hated his job and wanted to a new start so he moved away to live with his cousin in a faraway city. he said he still loved me and if he was still thinking about me after he had time to figure his life out we'd get back together. so i hung onto that. in the mean time we talked and tried to be friends but sometimes we'd fight like we were still together, or he'd tell me about r'ship problems he was having with other girls or else he'd tell me how much he still missed me.

in short it was a terrible rollercoaster maintaining contact with him. i didn't get over him until i quit talking to him. then he just stopped being part of my life and i didn't think about him anymore and i felt fine again, like myself. it may be hard to end contact with her but you have to until she's not a part of your life anymore. it's impossible to be friends until you really are absolutely over her and hearing about her with someone else won't cause more hurt than a minor twinge.

Reply 4

khil

Hey don't be too hard on yourself - it was a 4 year relationship and it's only been nearly 6 months. That's not a long time at all for getting over someone especially in your case (with the length of your relationship). It's only natural to still feel the pain. Goodness I still feel the pain sometimes when I think of my ex and it was a month-long relationship and it's been 5 months since we broke up now! You were serious about her, so it's gonna take time.

Break contact with her - not permanently no. But tell her she's the one who broke things off - now she has to let you heal. Tell her you two should stop talking for a while cus talking to her breaks your heart at the moment. If she's any sort of friend at all she'll understand and back off. When you're ready, talk to her again. Start over with your friendship - don't "pick it up where you left off" but start afresh.

The breaking contact thing works, trust me. My ex decided he couldn't talk to me for weeks cus he was hurting over the break up - my feelings for him hadn't changed, it was simply a complicated religious reason why we broke up - and I understood he needs time and so do I so we stopped talking for ages. He really helped me by putting in some distance between us and no we couldn't make a friendship happen straight away. But we're friends now and still talk from time to time.

Hope it all works out. Give yourself time and put in some distance between you and her til you're ready.

Reply 5

Adhsur

Reading that reminded me a lot of my ex for a second :eek:

Had to IP check!

Reply 6

ruthiepoothie

I think it's already been said that it takes a different amount of time for different people.....

Just do whatever makes things easier for you- if you think it would help to not speak to her for a while then just explain to her that that's what you need to do, and if she still cares about you like she says she does then she should understand.

I think another thing to consider is that if she is the one that broke up with you then it's only natural that she should come to terms with it more quickly, as she will have been thinking about it before she broke up with you I imagine and therefore been starting to come to terms with it probably before you even broke up.

Don't get me wrong, it's great that you are trying to be friends. In my opinion it's very sad when people have been such huge parts of each others lives and then they suddenly don't speak anymore. If you can stay friends then that's great- obviously not everyone can for various reasons, but if you want it bad enough and you're both prepared to work at it, then I'm sure you can get to a stage where you are both happy eventually.

Good luck!!

Ruthie xx

Reply 7

RaniBee

i guess your probably sick of everyone saying, 'give it time' time heals etc. Yet this is true, but i guess it will always hurt slightly when you remember the memories. But soon enough it will be happy memories.

when i broke up with my first serious bf, i was really consumed with my 'grief' that i started obbessessing on all the things i could have done different, that maybe i needed to improve my self.
i eventually realised, after being truthful to myself,that if someone did not want to be with me, i could not hold on to the excuses on why it told/should work.
different reason influence the end of a relationship. maybe you should see this as a next stage of your life. If of the things you have in your life, friends, family.

think positive, act positive.

Keep yourself busy, im not saying do major crazy things, but little things that you have been meaning to do.
you will get through this :smile:

Reply 8

kirbz

I once heard that to properly get over someone it takes half as long as you have been going out for. Obviously that varies from person to person. I broke up with my last bf 3 days before the new year (bad timing), and it took a while to sink in and get over. But I found ways to move on and its ok now, you will get over her eventually.
I hate the way uni breaks people up, such a shame.

Reply 9

babylon

u'll be fine if u avoid any sort of contact with her.......be it txt, email, letter, fone.......anything like that. but that is a hard thing to stick by and u'll probably not manage for very long at the beginning. but it works.

then......after a period of no contact, u can be friends again!

Reply 10

ladyyamaha

Here is something that I now live by:

You deserve to be loved just as much as you love someone. Don't except anything less and don't compromise yourself.

My blog has my pain of the ultimate break up in it, a divorce.

Reply 11

Scooot

Dude, unlucky man, but I know how you feel. My ex broke up with me a few weeks ago, and that was after 2 years. It hurt so much, and we still talk (but it took a while, because she was angry with me) Everytime I speak to her, I want her to just say how everything is ok and to start again. It's the hardest feeling in the world.

The only way i've found to deal with it, is to not get upset, if you start thinking of stuff, just say to yourself it's not worth it. I love her to bits, and always will, but there's so much pain just holding on man.

She's moved on alot quicker than me too, she's already got with someone at a club FFS, that hurt so much when I found out.

Feels like we're in the same boat here man, the best way to get over it is to go out, get drunk and meet new people, be with your friends and forget about her. If you ever fancy a chat, gimme a bell.

Reply 12

ladyyamaha

Talking to others who are going through what you are going through helps too. :biggrin:

We are not alone.

Reply 13

Scooot

Ladyyamaha, did you start a blog when you broke up with your ex?

I did, it's helped me loads. :smile:

Reply 14

ladyyamaha

I started my blog when I started hurting less.

I asked him to leave at the end of Feb and started my blog when I needed an outlet. I got the idea to so it from a friend. :smile:

I am just now starting to heal.

Reply 15

darkknightuk

She sounds like a bit of a bitch to be honest.

Maybe after you stop having romantic feeling for her, you'll realise there's no basis for a friendship... it's happened.

Reply 16

Zurich

Ask4Answers

The thing is, it’s now been 3 months since the break up and every time we talk it makes it feel fresh again. Has anyone had any experience coming out of a long term relationship? How long does it take to get over someone? She’s obviously moved on faster than me as it was her decision. I’m just worried that I’ll spend the next 6 weeks kinda getting over things, if not that then at least putting them out of my mind, but when I speak to her or see her in summer it’s all going to feel like it did in January when we first broke up. It would have been 6 months by then.

Yes. Time away helps you, but if you go back to talking to her before you're over her you risk getting dragged back to square one.

My ex broke up with me in Feb and after a few weeks I was doing alright, then we talked more and things seemed alright.. somehow I ended up with false hope and bam! back to square one.

If you want to get over her, it's far easier to cut her out of your life until you are. Then you can go back to being friends if that's what you want.

Reply 17

Atomic Dave

Dude, I can imagine how you're feeling. My ex broke up with me about a month ago, she was my first serious girlfriend, we had been going out for just over a year, and then one day, on MSN of all places, she tells me that she doesn't love me anymore, and that I'm not giving her space. Hearing that totally broke my heart, it hurt so much because I never ever saw it coming.

In all honesty, I knew the relationship had begun to change, because it was a long distance relationship, the last time I saw her she treated me as if we were best friend, whereas three months previously we had been passionate lovers enjoying every moment together. What f**ked with my mind even more was, a few days after the spilt when I was feeling utterly miserbable and heartbroken, she rings me and told me she regretted what she had done and that she still loved me. Man, my mind had never felt so screwed in my life, but I told her that we couldn't get back together as things would never be the same.

I have gradually tried to phase her out of my life, as in other cases mentioned, it just brought all the emotions I had felt bubbling back up to the surface. What was worse, she moved on so quickly I had begun to question whether or not the relationship had actually meant anything to her. I phoned her one day, and she was telling me about her new bf, not only that she was telling me about their sexual activities together too. This made me feel so jealous and angry, I have never felt anything like it. Things seem to be getting better though, we are friends and we can talk and things aren't so bad.

But, as everyone else has said, time is a healer and there is no telling how long it can take. But be assured, you're not the only one who has felt such sharp emotional pain, and many people know what it's like and empathise with you, I sure do.

Reply 18

Anubis

I found that when I was in this exact situation, I had to let go. This means that you both stop calling and contacting eachother - your just prolonging the agony and sort of teasing eachother, which only results in both of you getting hurt. Think of it this way (like I had to): If she reallllllly loved you, nothing would ever break you up. Not a thing. Some people would disagree, but why would you suddenly leave someone you REALLY love? You just don't.

Love isnt logical - hence the old standard "we live far apart so we must break up" thing is rubbish. Ive now met someone who lives much further away from me than my ex did - and she agrees with me that yes its hard, but its worth it cos we both love eachother-hence nothing is going to get in our way.

As for the time of getting over someone? How long is a piece of string? Basically you dont wanna go on the rebound - likely to cause problems. But I found that once I found someone else, and started SLOWLY again things werent that bad at all. The main thing is, is that when you meet someone new you feel like bursting so that you could feel all those nice feelings back again. It wont happen that way - once again, you have to spend time, etc to get it all back.

Dont worry about it. You HAVE TO lose contact though. Playing games with your feelings isnt nice as you have found out - exactly what my ex did. If she loves you that much, she wouldnt keep you on a piece of string. Simple.

O, and remember this also - everything you feel, she will be liekly to feel. She might seem like she has moved on, but if thats the case - why is she still in contact with you?

Sorry if my comments seem a little blunt and yes some people will no doubt argue with me now about this. But I have also been through pretty much the same and wanted advice like this but got none. Im not saying I am right - only you know what is right mate, however you now have to use your head and not your heart this time.