Could somebody look at my Higher English essay please:)?

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rachaelpedreschi
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I'm quite bad at essays...average at 15/17 and just once got a 19 which I was very pleased with =p But i really need a B so I'm trying to bring my marks up a bit, so I started writing with a different structure which other people do but our school doesn't teach us like that. Could somebody look over this/tell me if it's completely awful or estimate a mark please :p: Thank you!
(and i know it's quite short but this was me trying to experiment)





Choose a play in which one scene or moment determines the fate of a main character.

Explain fully why you think this is the key moment in the character’s fortunes.
In William Shakespeare’s tragic play, ‘Romeo and Juliet’, Act 3 Scene 1 is the moment in which the fate of Romeo- and consequently, Juliet- is determined. Throughout this essay I intend to show why this is a key moment in the character’s fortunes.
Firstly, Shakespeare introduces you to the idea that Romeo Montague’s fate will be decided before Act 3 Scene 1. In the Prologue which introduces the play, it is written that the play will include ‘two star-crossed lovers.’ This inclusion of the theme of fate begins to form the idea of a main character’s fate being decided at a crucial moment. This is also shown before Romeo gatecrashes a party held by his family’s rivals, the Capulets, when he says:
‘...my mind misgives some consequence
Yet hanging in the stars.’
This characterisation of Romeo, which implies he is a victim of fate, continues the idea which began in the Prologue that his life will be governed by an external force of which he has no control over.
The characterisation of Tybalt also introduces the idea that Romeo’s fate will be decided when he catches Romeo in the party, when he says:
‘This intrusion, now seeming sweet
Shall convert to bittest gall.’
This characterisation implies that Romeo is destined to be punished for this apparent ‘insult’ to Tybalt, which carries on the idea that his fate will be decided at a later time.
Act 3 Scene 1 is the scene in which Romeo’s fate is decided. Tybalt Capulet had challenged him to a fight, but Romeo had refused. This was due to the fact he had just married Tybalt’s cousin, Juliet, and he insisted that Tybalt’s name was now one which he would ‘bear as dearly as mine own.’ However, his friend Mercutio decided to take up Tybalt’s challenge instead. This ended in Mercutio’s murder, his last words being:
‘A plague o’both your houses!’
This also implies that this is a key moment in the character’s fortunes, with the re-introduction of the theme of fate. Mercutio’s words imply that Romeo will be the main victim of this ‘plague’, but consequently, Juliet’s unhappy fate is also shown here, as her happiness depends on Romeo’s.
Finally, the key moment in determining Romeo’s fate is shown through the action of Act 3, Scene 1. Romeo kills Tybalt, which results in his banishment from Verona. This determines his fate- his unhappiness, and his tragic death- because it means Juliet is seperated from him. Romeo knows this and cries:
‘O, I am Fortune’s fool!’
Therefore, Romeo’s fate is ultimately his seperation from Juliet and their consequent tragic deaths. This is shown by Shakespeare in many ways, including the theme of fate which is introduced by the Prologue and by Tybalt Capulet’s characterisation, and Romeo’s characterisation.
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Libertine182
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(Original post by rachaelpedreschi)
I'm quite bad at essays...average at 15/17 and just once got a 19 which I was very pleased with =p But i really need a B so I'm trying to bring my marks up a bit, so I started writing with a different structure which other people do but our school doesn't teach us like that. Could somebody look over this/tell me if it's completely awful or estimate a mark please :p: Thank you!
(and i know it's quite short but this was me trying to experiment)





Choose a play in which one scene or moment determines the fate of a main character.

Explain fully why you think this is the key moment in the character’s fortunes.
In William Shakespeare’s tragic play, ‘Romeo and Juliet’, Act 3 Scene 1 is the moment in which the fate of Romeo- and consequently, Juliet- is determined. Throughout this essay I intend to show why this is a key moment in the character’s fortunes.
Firstly, Shakespeare introduces you to the idea that Romeo Montague’s fate will be decided before Act 3 Scene 1. In the Prologue which introduces the play, it is written that the play will include ‘two star-crossed lovers.’ This inclusion of the theme of fate begins to form the idea of a main character’s fate being decided at a crucial moment. This is also shown before Romeo gatecrashes a party held by his family’s rivals, the Capulets, when he says:
‘...my mind misgives some consequence
Yet hanging in the stars.’
This characterisation of Romeo, which implies he is a victim of fate, continues the idea which began in the Prologue that his life will be governed by an external force of which he has no control over.
The characterisation of Tybalt also introduces the idea that Romeo’s fate will be decided when he catches Romeo in the party, when he says:
‘This intrusion, now seeming sweet
Shall convert to bittest gall.’
This characterisation implies that Romeo is destined to be punished for this apparent ‘insult’ to Tybalt, which carries on the idea that his fate will be decided at a later time.
Act 3 Scene 1 is the scene in which Romeo’s fate is decided. Tybalt Capulet had challenged him to a fight, but Romeo had refused. This was due to the fact he had just married Tybalt’s cousin, Juliet, and he insisted that Tybalt’s name was now one which he would ‘bear as dearly as mine own.’ However, his friend Mercutio decided to take up Tybalt’s challenge instead. This ended in Mercutio’s murder, his last words being:
‘A plague o’both your houses!’
This also implies that this is a key moment in the character’s fortunes, with the re-introduction of the theme of fate. Mercutio’s words imply that Romeo will be the main victim of this ‘plague’, but consequently, Juliet’s unhappy fate is also shown here, as her happiness depends on Romeo’s.
Finally, the key moment in determining Romeo’s fate is shown through the action of Act 3, Scene 1. Romeo kills Tybalt, which results in his banishment from Verona. This determines his fate- his unhappiness, and his tragic death- because it means Juliet is seperated from him. Romeo knows this and cries:
‘O, I am Fortune’s fool!’
Therefore, Romeo’s fate is ultimately his seperation from Juliet and their consequent tragic deaths. This is shown by Shakespeare in many ways, including the theme of fate which is introduced by the Prologue and by Tybalt Capulet’s characterisation, and Romeo’s characterisation.
I'm doing Romeo and Juliet aswell and need a B. Looks like you're on the right tracks, i've got quite a good essay for that question. Want me to PM you it for a few ideas?
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rachaelpedreschi
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(Original post by Libertine182)
Want me to PM you it for a few ideas?
Yes please ! Btw, I just tried to do that quote thing, I'm sorry if it didn't work because I've never done it before :p:
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Meteorshower
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Your essay seems very disjointed and lacking a clear structure and doesn't really explain what you're talking about.

Firstly, I would ditch the "i intend to show" bit of your intro, and instead breifly explain the context of the scene you've chosen. This is quite important as it allows you to refer to the scenes happenings in a more coherent way, and the reader will have a far better idea of what's going on. The points you make should flow cleary from one to another aswell, to strengthen your overall argument. Without that the essay will read like a list of bullet points with no clear overall purpose, although you do refer back to the question which is good. It might be best to do it in a different way each time you do it though to break the monotony.

More importantly however is your weak analysis and lack of evaluation. After each quote you said what it's supposed to show, but you're not mentioned how. Saying something like "this characterisation of whoever implies..." is not particularly useful. What would be better is to explain what imagery or whatever is present in the qoute and explain why that image/word is used. Then it's good idea to say how effective this imagery/word is in saying what the author wants to say. You don't always have to say it's good, but you have to back up your opinion on this.

I would reccomend you just listen to advice your teacher gives you between now and the exam, there really isn't long and based on what you've posted you need to work on your analysis and evaluation quite a bit. I'm sorry if this is sounding very negative, it's not a terrible essay but there is a lot you can improve.
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lalala31
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Okay, if I have more time I'll write a more detailed and helpful commentary on what you've written but a few things are:
a) I would advise to write in third person, so don't put 'I intend to'. I don't know why, it's the jsut the way essays are generally written.
b) Like the other person said, make sure you do more literary analysis on the words of your quotes
c) You repeat yourself a lot, try and vary how your saying things, for example you often say 'the characterisation of...' 'this implies...', try just varying it, for example instead of saying implies, use reflects, represents, demonstrates etc.
d) Make sure you talk about the effect that a certain technique that the writer is using is supposed to have on the audience.

Like I say I'll try and write something more extensive in a bit, but in case I don't have time there are a few pointers also, try just getting some high grade sample essays to read through to help you with writing your own.
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rachaelpedreschi
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Okayy thank you I'm not getting too depressed because I wrote that essay to try out a new structure in 20 minutes, but I know I've got a way to go and I'll try my best to add in more analysis because I know I'm awful at that And try make a better structure

Hmm going to do another thousand essays before the exam thanks !
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C274
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I agree with what's been said about writing in the third person.
(Original post by rachaelpedreschi)
Firstly, Shakespeare introduces you to the idea that Romeo Montague’s fate will be decided before Act 3 Scene 1.
Here, I would write: "Firstly, Shakespeare introduces the audience to the idea etc etc" as it is a play. For poems, novels and short stories, "the reader" should be referred to.
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Kieran578
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meteorshower, how on earth could you think that that level of criticism would be in any way helpful 2 weeks before an exam and what gives you the remit to expouse on the virtues of critical essay writing? Conclusion =you're an *******. To the author of the post, the best advice I can give you is to say that the great thing about English is that there are no right or wrong answers (at least in essay writing).....just trust your instincts and do your best, and don't whatever you do take into account the criticisms of an ******* physicist!
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ArcadiaHouse
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(Original post by lalala31)
a) I would advise to write in third person, so don't put 'I intend to'. I don't know why, it's the jsut the way essays are generally written.
Ah, but wouldn't that show personal involvement? I don't start essays like that anymore but I don't think it's necessarily a hindrance if you do, but I agree that there are other ways of expressing it. *confuses self*
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Meteorshower
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(Original post by Kieran578)
meteorshower, how on earth could you think that that level of criticism would be in any way helpful 2 weeks before an exam and what gives you the remit to expouse on the virtues of critical essay writing? Conclusion =you're an *******. To the author of the post, the best advice I can give you is to say that the great thing about English is that there are no right or wrong answers (at least in essay writing).....just trust your instincts and do your best, and don't whatever you do take into account the criticisms of an ******* physicist!
She asked for constructive criticism and I gave it. I actually do know what i'm talking about with essays, and I was advising her on what she could improve. All you've said is there are "no right or wrong answers" which isn't helpful it all. Of course English is subjective, but that doesn't mean you aren't expected to back up your points with analysis and evaluation. There is a marking guide for a reason...

What the hell does me wanting to do physics have to do with anything? Doesn't mean I don't know anything about English!
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Kieran578
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it means you probably weren't good enough for medicine
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Meteorshower
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(Original post by Kieran578)
it means you probably weren't good enough for medicine
I don't want to do medicine...

Unless you're going to stop acting like an idiot, I suggest you stop posting.
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Kieran578
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i'd also be intrigued to learn inwhat sense 'you know what you're talking about'.....do you mark papers for the SQA? More likely you're a smartass who likes to put people down
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Dado Prso
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someone wanting to do science is classed as not good enough for medicine. baffling.
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TheUnbeliever
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Trolls are dull.
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Kieran578
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i'm glad you don't you didnt get the grades for medicine because you clearly lack the people skills required
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Meteorshower
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Yes, and you personally insulting someone randomly, are going to be the perfect medic
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Kieran578
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(Original post by Dado Prso)
someone wanting to do science is classed as not good enough for medicine. baffling.
a poll in new scientist stated 11 % of students beginning science degrees had been rejected as a med applicant......a further 31% stated they would have applied if circumstances had permitted (6457 students polled, nov06
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Ronar
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this is jobby

haha, i'm sitting next to the OP watching britains got talent, she find its funny shes started an online fight
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namedeprived
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(Original post by ArcadiaHouse)
Ah, but wouldn't that show personal involvement? I don't start essays like that anymore but I don't think it's necessarily a hindrance if you do, but I agree that there are other ways of expressing it. *confuses self*
I'm pretty sure that by referring to "the reader" you are implying personal involvement. In the Marking Instructions it says something like "a personal response may be implicit." so I'd advise against using "I" or "me."

And lol @ Kieran578 harshly criticising someone for being too critical.
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