rubbishness at dealing with it

My boyfriend's gran died recently of cancer, which was expected but she went suddenly downhill so it was still a bit of a shock. He is really strong but is obviously pretty upset, especially since this is the first person he's lost. Was just wondering if anyone had any tips because it seems to be something I'm really rubbish at dealing with..I think maybe I should give him some space but then I hate seeing him sad and want to help. What do I say? I know he will feel better soon, the funeral is tomorrow but still...can't help being useless :frown:

Reply 1

Hanzing

Hmm, Well I think its important your there for him, But at the same time im sure he may want some space... My gran also died of cancer and It really helped having my friends around. So offer him someone to talk to, that way he knows your supporting him but he can still be by himself if we wants.

Reply 2

Create

I think you just have to be there to support him and to listen to him if he wants to talk. Often a big hug can speak so much louder than words. There isn't really anything you can say that will make him feel better at the moment, just show your support in other ways - I'm sure he'll appreciate that.

I understand how hard it is for you both; it's hard for him to have lost his gran, and it's hard for you because you care about him, but you can't take away his pain. Time will help, and I'm sure after the funeral there may be a bit of a turning point. Don't rush him, don't let on to him that you feel you're rubbish at dealing with it; you're not, but different people grieve in different ways, so there's no set rules or instructions for you to follow. Show your support, be there for him when he needs you, make it clear to him that you're more than happy for him to talk away to you about it - and if he does, just listen - or if you knew her as well, agree with him and have a bit of a discussion - try and steer him to happy memories.

Take care, and I'm sorry to hear the news.

Reply 3

Lauren18

These situations are always difficult, and from my experience you always feel as if you are doing or saying the 'wrong' thing. Probably, therefore, you're not!

Ultimately, you're boyfriend will appreciate you being there. If I were you, I'd make it completely obvious to him that you are there for him if he needs you - and that he can talk to you about anything.

I wouldn't give him too much space, unless he says that's what he wants, because at times like this it's horrible if you feel those closest to you are avoiding you and treading on eggshells whenever you're around.

I'd say the best thing, unless your boyfriend tells you different, is to make it clear that you're there for him (sometimes it's really nice to write a little letter and leave it in his room), and then try and carry on as normal.

Good luck whatever happens, it just takes time! x

Reply 4

Create

I agree with the letter idea :smile:

(as well as everything else)

Reply 5

ciara

Thanks for the help guys :smile:

. We write each other letters regularly anyway, just for fun hehe, and i wrote him one the other week and talked about it a bit. I think he knows I'll be there for him, and he said he doesn't want to shut me out. He's very much the sort of person to bottle things up, like he hasn't cried about it despite wanting to and he said he felt really mean when the rest of his family were all in tears. Obviously he's not mean at all. I guess I just have to accept there's not actually a lot I can do to stop his pain here!

Reply 6

Zurich

There's not really anything you can do. There certainly isn't anything that will make it all better. Just be there for him whenever he wants, or give him space if he asks for it.

Talk to him about his feelings if he wants to, or take his mind off it if he'd rather not.

Lots of hugs, lots of time, just make sure he knows you care and are there for him. There isn't anything more anyone can do.

Reply 7

treff

I agree with what was mentioned before: just be there for him. If he opens up, lend an ear; if he doesn't, just be there--your presence may be comforting in itself. :smile:

Reply 8

saz_1989

just be there for him. dont try to say anything. just hug him when he needs it.