Bf temper trouble please help Watch

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Cazzi
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#1
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everythings ok now
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md_red_uk
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Sometimes when someone tells you to calm down and it can have the opposite effect completely.

Perhaps spend less time together.
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Mrs_F
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If you aren't happy in the relationship you shouldn't be in it. If he gets angry with you after a year what will he be like after 10 years, 50 years? Can you really put up with it that long?

You say you come from an argumentatie background - is that cos your parents argued? I have seen on a number of occasions where peoples parents rowed, that they think they should put up with it because their parents did, and that is all they have seen throughout their lives.

If you aren't happy, you really need to discuss it with him, if he can't change - it may be for the best that you lose him.
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Inverurie Jones
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Does he have any problems in his past, anything that he doesn't like talking about? I just ask because that may be why he gets so angry. I fly completely off the handle for no real reason all the time, even when I'd rather die than hurt the person I'm screaming at. I'm not sure what you can do, though, because if it is anything like that he'll probably resist any attemptto discuss it.
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Cazzi
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(Original post by lynseyweth)
If you aren't happy in the relationship you shouldn't be in it. If he gets angry with you after a year what will he be like after 10 years, 50 years? Can you really put up with it that long?

You say you come from an argumentatie background - is that cos your parents argued? I have seen on a number of occasions where peoples parents rowed, that they think they should put up with it because their parents did, and that is all they have seen throughout their lives.

If you aren't happy, you really need to discuss it with him, if he can't change - it may be for the best that you lose him.
its not that im not happy, i am very happy with him. its just that he gets so worked up about tiny little things, then blames it on me when i dont wanna sort things out immediatly (because once he gets angry i do too)

as for the argumetative background...its more the parents with me really...my dad contiuously pick fights with me over everything...and im not kidding. i can get up one morning and the first thing i hear is 'you look discusting/huge/fat today' he knows that i have a short temper and he provokes me and never supports me with anything and has turned really horrible recently.. my mum thinks so too.

nevermind about that tho, i wanna sort me and my bf out....
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Cazzi
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(Original post by md_red_uk)
Sometimes when someone tells you to calm down and it can have the opposite effect completely.

Perhaps spend less time together.
i can understand that totally. he always asks me to calm down and i get worse and its exactly the same with him.
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SciFi25
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It happens to every couple. The trick is to get over it. I find that lots of physical contact e.g. hugs help to keep things on a very even keel. This is because of the way the human brain works. Your brain releases a feel good drug and makes you feel better and bond closer to the person you are hugging.
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Cazzi
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(Original post by SciFi25)
It happens to every couple. The trick is to get over it. I find that lots of physical contact e.g. hugs help to keep things on a very even keel. This is because of the way the human brain works. Your brain releases a feel good drug and makes you feel better and bond closer to the person you are hugging.
are u sure it happens to every couple...i hardly ever see other couples i know arguing (although their probably good at hiding it if they are)

ive found that giving space works sometimes - depending on the situation, but its difficult at college where we cant get away from each other.
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Sophdoph
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Arguing over small things is fairly common in relationships but if it's turning into a full scale slanging match over something petty then thats not good. Is there any particular subject that you argue about? If it is maybe have a frank chat about it without raising voices..if he raises his voice and shouts at you out of the blue walk away and let him calm down - don't rise to it or give fuel to his arguing.

If he wants to sort things out immediately, maybe try and say to him that if you argue you have 15mins apart to think about whats happened and then try and resolve it calmly. Often going to neutral ground, not being in each others houses, can help diffuse the situation.
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Cazzi
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(Original post by Sophdoph)
Arguing over small things is fairly common in relationships but if it's turning into a full scale slanging match over something petty then thats not good. Is there any particular subject that you argue about? If it is maybe have a frank chat about it without raising voices..if he raises his voice and shouts at you out of the blue walk away and let him calm down - don't rise to it or give fuel to his arguing.

If he wants to sort things out immediately, maybe try and say to him that if you argue you have 15mins apart to think about whats happened and then try and resolve it calmly. Often going to neutral ground, not being in each others houses, can help diffuse the situation.

i never really thought of leaving right after something starts to go wrong....maybe it would help....but thats pratically impossible when were in college.
When im at his house he tends to go into a different room to calm himself down, but during that time i get so upset and even more when he comes back that it starts up again because i cant accept any physical contact from him.
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SciFi25
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(Original post by Cazzi_Bear)
are u sure it happens to every couple...i hardly ever see other couples i know arguing (although their probably good at hiding it if they are)

ive found that giving space works sometimes - depending on the situation, but its difficult at college where we cant get away from each other.
Every relationship!! Its perfectly natural. Happens all over the animal kingdom!! Its a way of letting off steam. However too much argueing is not good at all.
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queenselphie
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When you are still infatuated with someone in the early stages of a relationship you dont often see their faults, so you argue very little. Things they do that might annoy you, dont, because you idolise them. Everything gets glossed over because you are so amazed to be together, so tolerant, so easy going. After this initial glow wears off, couples can find that fundemental things about each others personalities annoy each other. You are slightly more established, and therefore you know that if you argue, it dosent equal instant breakup, so you feel safe enough to act irritiable from time to time.
Showing someone your human side, getting mad under times of stress,and being overly hormonal at certain times of the month are all fine...either you'll stick through them, because you care for each other, or you'll break up, because you didnt like the relationship and needed an excuse to end things. HOWEVER....
What you have here dosent sound like common, occassional irritation. From what you've said your boyfriend sounds like he's taking advantage of the fact he knows you wont leave him, no matter how he acts. He feels safe in your relationship...safe enough to make you miserable, without fear of you turning around and saying "sod off then" and leaving him for good. It is unpleasant of him to do this, and exploit your bond with him. From what you have said, you do argue back, which is good because being a doormat can suck, but there's a chance that maybe you two just naturally rub each other up the wrong way - you'll probably be very intensely loving and passionate, but just as firey when you fight. If you really are two people who are both quite dominant and argumentative, this isnt impossible to work out, but it will take a lot of time and maturity; you'll have to sit your boyfriend down, and honestly tell him how this makes YOU feel. Dont talk about him, dont use accusing words, dont say "YOU make me feel like this" say "when you do that I feel..." or even the more neutral "When that happens, I feel..." a confrontational attitude dosent sound like it would work, so keep this like you are confessing to him that YOU have a problem, and if things dont clear up, YOU dont feel like you can be happy in the relationship. I'm not saying blame yourself, just steer clear of anything that sounds like "You do these things! You make me feel bad!" because then he'll feel the need to defend himself, will get angry, and wont hear the truth behind your words because he's so busy getting self righteous. Hope this helps.
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Cazzi
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(Original post by queenselphie)
When you are still infatuated with someone in the early stages of a relationship you dont often see their faults, so you argue very little. Things they do that might annoy you, dont, because you idolise them. Everything gets glossed over because you are so amazed to be together, so tolerant, so easy going. After this initial glow wears off, couples can find that fundemental things about each others personalities annoy each other. You are slightly more established, and therefore you know that if you argue, it dosent equal instant breakup, so you feel safe enough to act irritiable from time to time.
Showing someone your human side, getting mad under times of stress,and being overly hormonal at certain times of the month are all fine...either you'll stick through them, because you care for each other, or you'll break up, because you didnt like the relationship and needed an excuse to end things. HOWEVER....
What you have here dosent sound like common, occassional irritation. From what you've said your boyfriend sounds like he's taking advantage of the fact he knows you wont leave him, no matter how he acts. He feels safe in your relationship...safe enough to make you miserable, without fear of you turning around and saying "sod off then" and leaving him for good. It is unpleasant of him to do this, and exploit your bond with him. From what you have said, you do argue back, which is good because being a doormat can suck, but there's a chance that maybe you two just naturally rub each other up the wrong way - you'll probably be very intensely loving and passionate, but just as firey when you fight. If you really are two people who are both quite dominant and argumentative, this isnt impossible to work out, but it will take a lot of time and maturity; you'll have to sit your boyfriend down, and honestly tell him how this makes YOU feel. Dont talk about him, dont use accusing words, dont say "YOU make me feel like this" say "when you do that I feel..." or even the more neutral "When that happens, I feel..." a confrontational attitude dosent sound like it would work, so keep this like you are confessing to him that YOU have a problem, and if things dont clear up, YOU dont feel like you can be happy in the relationship. I'm not saying blame yourself, just steer clear of anything that sounds like "You do these things! You make me feel bad!" because then he'll feel the need to defend himself, will get angry, and wont hear the truth behind your words because he's so busy getting self righteous. Hope this helps.

that does seem to make sense the only thing is, i feels secure in the relationship but he dosent. this is because in my mind these arguments are just silly and are not effecting us a lot, but to him, he feels its personal and that it makes us uncompatable. we've proved we are compatable by staying together for so long, but how do i convince him otherwise?
i always try to sort things out as calmy as possibly. but he swears at me alot (hes never violent tho and not abusive in the swearing) which pushes me over the edge...
i do try to tell him how i feel...but he usally takes it the wrong way..
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Ferret_messiah
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Beat the anger out of him. Keep a stout length of wood handy, and give him a thwack on the head when he gets worked up.
This prevents arguements on an immediate basis, because he will be too unconcious to argue. It also provides an element of pavlovian conditioning to stop future outbursts before they happen. Finally, it will help reverse old stereotypes of the woman being beaten by the man, and anything that defies stereotypes is always good, right?
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BlackHawk
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(Original post by SciFi25)
It happens to every couple. The trick is to get over it. I find that lots of physical contact e.g. hugs help to keep things on a very even keel. This is because of the way the human brain works. Your brain releases a feel good drug and makes you feel better and bond closer to the person you are hugging.
No it doesn't

This is supposed to be the golden time when everything is right and good. I may being over cynical here but I don't see this relationship working.
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john !!
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things will generally not change. I'd get out of it
there's plenty more fish in the sea.
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SciFi25
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(Original post by BlackHawk)
No it doesn't

This is supposed to be the golden time when everything is right and good. I may being over cynical here but I don't see this relationship working.
Well bugger me sideways, its always worked for me!! Maybe I just hug good!!
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Cazzi
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i think your wrong, cuz i know we're right for each other but we both argumenative. ive talked to him and we've come up with a way to try and avoid the arguements. hope it works

he also said that he feels we will work out with made me very happy.

had a great weekend so hopefully thats a good sign...
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black_mamba
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Before I start I must admit to only skim reading the replies in this thread, there may be a little repetition here but I hope its useful:

Your situation Cazzie is mine exactly, but reversed. I'm a very argumentative partner and my bloke has been puttin up with it for too long.

-at one point I took advantage of the fact the he was totally obsessed with me (ie. no chance of him leaving) and didn't bother trying to improve the situation.

-after hearing all the crap he's had to try and deal with in order to make me happy I suddenly felt like a selfish witch and decided to actively try and contain my anger. Its difficult, we still argue but at least its not a daily occurance anymore.

-I'd suggest a thorough talk, although I see this sort of open pouring out of ideas turning into a little battle, try and actively stay calm. [In my situation it took almost a month of more arguments to try and stop my crappy attitude! ]

-but please don't bother putting up with this anger. I used to see my partner as a pushover because he can be very calm and stable in such volatile situations, but as much as its a sign of strength it can be a weakness if it persists.

Talk, let the guy know exactly how the arguments drag you down mentally, be serious about the fact that this problem may end the relationship (even if just to push him into improving), but if you're truely happy with him it shouldn't be the killer blow.

Good luck!! :cool:
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Cazzi
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(Original post by black_mamba)
Before I start I must admit to only skim reading the replies in this thread, there may be a little repetition here but I hope its useful:

Your situation Cazzie is mine exactly, but reversed. I'm a very argumentative partner and my bloke has been puttin up with it for too long.

-at one point I took advantage of the fact the he was totally obsessed with me (ie. no chance of him leaving) and didn't bother trying to improve the situation.

-after hearing all the crap he's had to try and deal with in order to make me happy I suddenly felt like a selfish witch and decided to actively try and contain my anger. Its difficult, we still argue but at least its not a daily occurance anymore.

-I'd suggest a thorough talk, although I see this sort of open pouring out of ideas turning into a little battle, try and actively stay calm. [In my situation it took almost a month of more arguments to try and stop my crappy attitude! ]

-but please don't bother putting up with this anger. I used to see my partner as a pushover because he can be very calm and stable in such volatile situations, but as much as its a sign of strength it can be a weakness if it persists.

Talk, let the guy know exactly how the arguments drag you down mentally, be serious about the fact that this problem may end the relationship (even if just to push him into improving), but if you're truely happy with him it shouldn't be the killer blow.

Good luck!! :cool:
Yeh, that seems to be the best option. The only thing is i have menchioned that i have a temper too, which i really do. But i have recently been remaining calm. its just the bit where he gets stressed at the tiniest of things which really winds me up!
nevermind...seems to be going ok at the moment, once we finish our exams i think everything will be fine again....it mite be down to stress. :rolleyes:
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