Do you think this writing to describe gcse english piece is any good... Watch

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Rainbow-Dream
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#1
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I wrote this in preparation for my exam next week. I did the "describe the room you're in" question from a few years back. What grade would you give it and if you can, try to justify your decision and say whether you're currently doing your english gcse, or a levels, etc. It took me 45 minutes to write I think
thanks
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username130457
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It's becoming a narrative rather than a description; avoid the first person, 'I'.
You're going over the top with your adjectives and adverbs - too many images are conjuring at once, making the scene hard to imagine - cut down, and make it precise yet easy to imagine.
Make sure your description is readable. Sometimes going too ambitious can affect your sense of clarity, for both you and your reader. Remember to ask yourself, "Will my reader enjoy (or be intrigued) by reading this? Does this description have an underlying meaning of what I am describing?"
Act as the camera, don't tell your readers who that person is, such as when you mentioned that such a person was a teacher. Instead, give them an image which makes the reader tell who they are without you telling them; this can also give that particular character depth, as the reader can interpret them more from the description. A teacher wearing 'a long black garment with a pointed, black hat, holding a long stick in his left hand and a book in his right' is very different than a teacher who 'wore a suit and slacked casually on his chair, chewing as he took the register'.
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Bicallis
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(Original post by Ramadulla)
You're going over the top with your adjectives and adverbs
this
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member188279
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Remember, in the exam you won't be able to right click on the words and look at synonyms.
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username130457
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Your sentence structure is also quite basic. Try being 'creative' with your sentences; use short ones to signify issues which are quick, in a small time-frame, or issues which are tense, or ones which you may even despise; use long ones when a long process is happening for example, such as the tedious trip between the teacher and a pupil who broke the rules, describing, possibly, the movement and facial expressions of both the teacher and pupil. Don't be systematic, as you have been, i can tell a few times, in this piece of writing. Writing a more simple description, with less complex words, say, but done correctly will assure you a higher grade, than a piece of 'complex writing' which lacks grammatical command and structure.
Paragraphing could be improved, although it isn't exactly too bad. As mentioned previously with your sentence structure, you could try using 'one sentence/line' paragraphs to reinforce tension, or the start of a new 'era' in your description; the event which you would like to probe into with your description.

All in all, your piece is quite average (which means it's not bad, by the way).
11/20; C grade.
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saladfingers08
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(Original post by Ramadulla)
Your sentence structure is also quite basic. Try being 'creative' with your sentences; use short ones to signify issues which are quick, in a small time-frame, or issues which are tense, or ones which you may even despise; use long ones when a long process is happening for example, such as the tedious trip between the teacher and a pupil who broke the rules, describing, possibly, the movement and facial expressions of both the teacher and pupil. Don't be systematic, as you have been, i can tell a few times, in this piece of writing. Writing a more simple description, with less complex words, say, but done correctly will assure you a higher grade, than a piece of 'complex writing' which lacks grammatical command and structure.
Paragraphing could be improved, although it isn't exactly too bad. As mentioned previously with your sentence structure, you could try using 'one sentence/line' paragraphs to reinforce tension, or the start of a new 'era' in your description; the event which you would like to probe into with your description.

All in all, your piece is quite average (which means it's not bad, by the way).
11/20; C grade.
You seem so nice yet you have such a bad rep?
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explosions hurt
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Make it a little less wordy and you will get an a*. (i got one)
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CHEM1STRY
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(Original post by Ramadulla)
Your sentence structure is also quite basic. Try being 'creative' with your sentences; use short ones to signify issues which are quick, in a small time-frame, or issues which are tense, or ones which you may even despise; use long ones when a long process is happening for example, such as the tedious trip between the teacher and a pupil who broke the rules, describing, possibly, the movement and facial expressions of both the teacher and pupil. Don't be systematic, as you have been, i can tell a few times, in this piece of writing. Writing a more simple description, with less complex words, say, but done correctly will assure you a higher grade, than a piece of 'complex writing' which lacks grammatical command and structure.
Paragraphing could be improved, although it isn't exactly too bad. As mentioned previously with your sentence structure, you could try using 'one sentence/line' paragraphs to reinforce tension, or the start of a new 'era' in your description; the event which you would like to probe into with your description.

All in all, your piece is quite average (which means it's not bad, by the way).
11/20; C grade.
It's better than anything I have seen you write.

It was fantastic. I'd give it an A* but don't be too OTT.
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Ultimate_Geek
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No, I can't say it's particularly amazing - but then again I think I depressed my examiner with mine!!

I wouldn't use ANY narrative, refrain from any opinion but capture the atmosphere if you get me?

Describe the scene, the atmosphere. Remember all the 5 senses.

Think of your scene as though the whole thing were slowed down and describe what you see frame by frame. You've never been there before - drink it all in, explore.
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MewMachine
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(Original post by Ramadulla)
It's becoming a narrative rather than a description; avoid the first person, 'I'.
This, and as such, as good as it is (it's a brilliant piece of writing) it doesn't fulfil the criteria and probably wouldn't get you above a C, B if lucky. The first paragraph was good as you avoided this. I find the best way to approach this kind of writing is to imagine you have a bird-eye view of the room and describe using metaphor, simile, etc. which you have. Make sure you don't go over the top with your descriptions and syntax, as it sounds just a tad contrived this way. Though, I did like this very much, and your style works Are you doing English next year?
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username130457
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(Original post by CHEM1STRY)
It's better than anything I have seen you write.

It was fantastic. I'd give it an A* but don't be too OTT.
I thought you were addressing my advice, for a minute.
Quite flattering... until I realised you're mocking me and complimenting the OP. It's not fantastic, stop giving the OP false hope. Although there's obvious potential.
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awlright
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Considering this is supposedly a C at GCSE level, could somebody post an exemplar A* answer....
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Ehmo
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(Original post by Senem Boyaci)
this
Also this. I, and I assume you too, love wordy novels, and so love using long words in my essays. But sometimes it can get to the point where your sentences have a few too many syllables to swallow; take the first sentence for example. Just taking out 'regurgitated' (which, despite the onomatopoeia, takes the sentence a little far over the top and into the lands of the pretentious )

and it goes from:
The stagnant air intensified the utterly repugnant smell of regurgitated vomit.
to:
The stagnant air intensified the utterly repugnant smell of vomit.

It's immediately more succinct, and more emphatic, attention is drawn to the last word and it's simply 'vomit'- a word which in itself has immediate connotations- it doesn't need an adjective.
Also I would keep it present tense? 'The stagnant air intensifies the utterly repugnant smell...'- sense of immediacy is emphasised. At least keep the same tense throughout- Be careful with your tenses, you seem to start in past tense, then go into present, then pluperfect... I'm not sure you intended to do this, it's a bit messy. Not a big issue at GCSE though, don't worry.

Anyway, it's v good, certainly above a C whoever said that?! Well done, you'll be fine.
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NeedPapers
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A/A* definitely

no offence to anyone else's views but in school we (classmates) do a lot of peer marking so our teacher can drum in the techniques we need.

Good work mate!
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Ihategcse
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(Original post by Ramadulla)
I thought you were addressing my advice, for a minute.
Quite flattering... until I realised you're mocking me and complimenting the OP. It's not fantastic, stop giving the OP false hope. Although there's obvious potential.
I agree, this is better than all the pieces you posted. This is well above a C - goes right into the A/A* category.. as others suggested though.. take out some of the long fancy words.. the excess it making it less enjoyable.. try to use irony, sarcasm and humour
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Avacadro
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Well it is defo an A/A* but to make it "flow" more so to speak, lessen the fancy words- seriously, it gets patronising after a while.
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Avacadro
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(Original post by CHEM1STRY)
It's better than anything I have seen you write.

It was fantastic. I'd give it an A* but don't be too OTT.

LMAO, you showed him aha!!!
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username130457
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(Original post by Avacadro)
LMAO, you showed him aha!!!
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You're all mad. I'd give this a 'B' grade on an extremely good day.
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Ihategcse
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(Original post by Ramadulla)
You're all mad. I'd give this a 'B' grade on an extremely good day.
Enlighten us with one of you responses to this or similar
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A*andneverless
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It's alright, definitely wouldn't get you an A* though cuz ur not meeting the criteria.

Before commenting on the piece itself i would just like to point out that you get only 40 mins not 45 for the Writing to Describe section, and i know it doesn't seem like a lot but it does make a difference so try practicing one exactly within the time limit. That is ofc unless ur not under Edexcel nd they do allow u 45 mins, in which case, ignore what i just said. Oh nd also practice one handwritten rather than typed cuz we all tend to b faster at typing, just so u can wrap ur head around what it's gna b like in the exam

Moving on, kudos to u for the complex vocabulary, im pretty sure that'd get u some points with the examiner, but u need to keep in mind that the question asks u to describe the room, nd u were kind of goin off track there. You need to focus more on the room rather than things like the parents of some of the mischievous children, maybe it's just me, but that just seems irrelevant. You could also try using some descriptive techniques (original metaphors/similies, etc. but no cliches tho).Also, i completely agree that u need to vary sentence structure.

Overall, it's ok. I'd give it a B, mayb an A if ur lucky. I'm a GCSE student too, nd I also have my English exam next week so good luck to us all. Just remember, don't spend too long trying to making it sound smart with big words, i don't think u get marks explicitly for that, less complex vocab would b sufficient, just answer the question! Oh, nd one more thing, try to stick to just two or three main ideas nd develop them, cuz it seemed like u were just all over the place!
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