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my infamous PS!!!

depends on your grades and where u wana go. i love it!!!!!! its eyecatching, striking, excellent.really stands out. perhaps take out the negative parts about u in 9/10th grades and add some more detail about eg work experience.its excellent. i'd rep u when i have more rep to give out :top:

Reply 21

magiccarpet

2

hey lovemachine, i made some changes- i think this one is better, more serious yet still funny. its also shorter-i think yours was a bit too long

Did you know that Lactose intolerance is caused by an individual’s inability to break down lactose? This inability results from a shortage of the enzyme lactase, which breaks down the sugar lactose into the simpler form of sugar called glucose and galactose that can then be absorbed into the bloodstream.

Well, I myself lacked those enzymes and as a result, spent a large chunk of my childhood in the bathroom. I couldn’t resist but I loved to eat dairy (which lucky for me was highly concentrated with lactose). One day, after a particularly explosive bathroom session, I decided to find out why this was happening.Something smelled fishy, and it wasn’t the bathroom. I noticed that the more cheese and ice cream I ate, the more I needed the bathroom. So, being an inquisitive kid, i did some research. Online I found symptoms very similar to mine under what was called “Lactose Intolerance.”

After further careful research, medication to help break down lactose. With lactaid, I could conquer the world. Well, not really, but at least I could eat normally.The things that happened when I sat down on the toilet after eating dairy foods must have caused serious depletion of the ozone layer.

Yet my curse turned out to be a blessing. As I did deeper research into my condition, becoming more interested in the human body,health, and medicines, i realised my life's ambition. Studying biology at university level, I hope to complete my transformation from a curious kid with lactose intolerance, into a professional biologist.

Outside of the classroom i enjoy sports, especially weight lifting and basketball. This is partly due to my interest in health, fitness and diet affecting the inner body functioning. For example , I’ve learned that eating as much protein as possible, and stretching before lifting weights allows both for more protein to rebuild damaged muscle fibers, and the stretching allows for more room for muscles to grow due to the stretching of connective tissue known as the fascia.

My extracurricular activities focused on Model United nations where I’ve received 2 best delegate awards, and one honorable mention (3rd place) at local conferences. I also attended the National High school Model United Nations in New York, where I was lucky enough to be briefly interviewed by a national news channel. My other main extracurricular commitment is the Science Olympiad team, in which I competed last month at the regional level, and achieved the first place prize in the Cell Biology examination.

I have the ability to perform rigourous work in order to chieve my ambitions with clear focus, ambition, and a goal to work my hardest in the subject in which I have a passion for, Biology. To sum up, I love biology because it gives me a consciousness that everything out there is related and helps my understanding of life. This understanding of life in turn makes you less intimidated by its complexity.
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Reply 22

*Debi*

magiccarpet

hey lovemachine, i made some changes- i think this one is better, more serious yet still funny. its also shorter-i think yours was a bit too long

Did you know that Lactose intolerance is caused by an individual’s inability to break down lactose?

anyone who is looking through PS for a biology course is going to know that and be quite pi**ed off that you even used it as a retorical question.

Reply 23

lovemachine

OP

1

haha yea. here theres a general admissions office, nto an admissions tutor in the actual dept. so i should DEF change that.

Reply 24

kidda_puttar

7

lovemachine

One day, after a particularly explosive bathroom session, I decided to find out, something smelled fishy, and it wasn’t the bathroom. The things that happened when I sat down on the toilet after eating dairy foods must have caused serious depletion of the ozone layer.

Take it out man....I cracked up and I don't think that'll get you a place!

Reply 25

hallucination

1

By all means make your personal statement original, but that is going way too far.

Reply 26

lovemachine

OP

1

lol looking back..i did go overboard,... i was crackin up while typin this...oh well..i had my fun, time to get serious :P

Reply 27

Hash

lovemachine

I understand that my weak grades in my 9th and 10th grade years place me in a difficult position. I lacked the maturity, and as a result set myself up for bad grades, and now here I am with a contradictory measure of my ability to perform rigorous work.

If you're trying to convince them of your maturity, it's probably better not to do it after the preceding paragraphs - which provide ample evidence of your lack of maturity :rolleyes:

No offence at all.

Reply 28

lovemachine

OP

1

hahah i just noticed that.

Reply 29

lovemachine

OP

1

anyone know how i can open the Essay and make it captivating?

Reply 30

Peach

9

lovemachine

anyone know how i can open the Essay and make it captivating?

How about - 'My passion for biology was born out of personal experience' as your opening line?

I would also recommend leaving out anything to do with the bathroom, I know it's called a 'personal' statement, but I don't think it's meant to be taken quite that literally! :smile:

OP

hahaha..good call

OP

any ideas on how i can make a captivating intro?

Reply 33

d750

8

lovemachine

any ideas on how i can make a captivating intro?

Rather than rewriting the introduction, you should rewrite the whole statement. It's an insult to the admissions tutors to send them such rubbish. With that statment you probably wouldn't get a place even at the newer universities, and certainly wouldn't be demonstrating that you deserve one.

Reply 34

Natmarjus

11

I love it!! It is so original! Im sure some admissions staff have a good sense of humour!! come on its gotta make em crack a smile at least! Id give u an offer if i worked in admissions!!

Reply 35

gCarroll

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Reply 36

lovemachine

OP

1

hahah thanks. unfortunatley, most ppl here find it disgusting :frown:

Reply 37

MLovelyHorse

Coming from the US, I think this is a perfect example of the differences between American College Essays and Personal Statements. That kind of essay would probably be very well recieved in an American school. Just last week, my college guidance counsellor showed us an example of an 'excellent' college essay; it was about some kid who did all his thinking on the toilet (!). It worked because it was funny while also showing the kid was a good thinker. Judging from your reactions, that is not the kind of thing to put in a personal statement :smile:

Reply 38

lovemachine

OP

1

MLovelyHorse

Coming from the US, I think this is a perfect example of the differences between American College Essays and Personal Statements. That kind of essay would probably be very well recieved in an American school. Just last week, my college guidance counsellor showed us an example of an 'excellent' college essay; it was about some kid who did all his thinking on the toilet (!). It worked because it was funny while also showing the kid was a good thinker. Judging from your reactions, that is not the kind of thing to put in a personal statement :smile:

haha, well put!

Reply 39

Lithium

13

waiting2smile

As already mentioned you’ve got the style of a personal statement wrong. I think it’s fine to be a little informal occasionally but the style here is too relaxed, too colloquial. You must also maintain a conciseness to your PS. Moreover it’s better to not point out any weaknesses of yours, bur rather emphasise your achievements and skills.

I totally agree, although the 2 PS i wrote were not for UCAS, the same standards apply i would guess, and i was told that i should real show my good side, and never i repeat never tell any of my weaknesses!!

my infamous PS!!!

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