the opportunities at uni too much too handle? Watch

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ruthiepoothie
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#21
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#21
(Original post by Helenia)
It's not just about how much you want it to work now - though it will be hard work to maintain a relationship with one/both parties at uni. Fact is, we all change a lot at our current ages, and a lot of couples will break up anyway, regardless of whether they're at uni or not. Uni does change people even more though, and it can put extra strain on. Even the most stable of couples can just eventually grow apart and split, uni shouldn't be the only reason but it may well be one of them.
I agree with you I think uni puts that extra bit of strain on the relationship, so if there are things wrong etc then it just magnifies them a bit. I was with my ex-bf for 5 years and starting uni was really the catalyst to us breaking up...but there were things wrong with the relationship before then and the uni thing just added to the stress and brought them to the forefront i guess. But i do know couples who are still together at different unis and things, so it doesn't mean it can't be done...

As long as you're both happy and committed in the relationship, you make an effort to see each other, but also make sure that you both have your own lives and friends as well, then you're giving it your best shot!

On a positive note, my mum and dad have been together since they were 15, and my dad went to uni in bradford and my mum was in birmingham so it's definitely a realistic thing to aim for!!

Ruthie xx
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pikaboo
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#22
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I wonder in what ways people change at uni...*ponders*

I know I've become a lot more independent (not regarding how close I am to people, but with everyday tasks and stuff) but apart from that...
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ruthiepoothie
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#23
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(Original post by pikaboo)
I wonder in what ways people change at uni...*ponders*

I know I've become a lot more independent (not regarding how close I am to people, but with everyday tasks and stuff) but apart from that...
I think independence is a big one, and hard to understand if you've not experienced it yourself. Confidence is also a big one for a lot of people....

I think you just generally get to know yourself more, what you like and don't like, what interests you and doesn't..and all the new experience of uni must have an effect on you.

I think all in all it just makes you grow up a bit more

Ruthie xx
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#24
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(Original post by lil_crazyflakes)
Well, my heart is in it. It's him i'm unsure of. Loyalty isn't his strength x
Hmmm. Your last sentence here does worry me slightly - do you mind me asking if you think like this from things that have happened during your relationship or his past ones?

If you've been going out nearly two years, then that's a fantastic grounding for it to work. I know this isn't always the case, but it does generally help. It also sounds like you're really close, and obviously see an awful lot of each other. I think that initially, this will be the hardest thing to overcome - for both of you. Always keep in mind that he will be doing the same things that he has done for years, and it's you who's going to be meeting new people, experiencing different things, and settling into what is essentially, a new life. Now, it depends on what type of person he is, but I reckon things could change from his end in two ways:
1) You may hear from him a lot, lot more. This may be because he's missing you like crazy, and it may be because he'll be wondering about all the new people your meeting, and wanting to subconsciously remind you that he's still there.
2) You may hear from him a lot less. This isn't likely to be because it's a case of 'out-of-sight, out-of-mind' scenario, but more likely because he's sensitive to the situation that when you're meeting new people, sometimes you just need space to do that. He won't know what you've got in your diary now, he won't know when you're busy or not, and he may feel like he doesn't want to interrupt you making new friends.

My boyfriend (at the time) acted in the second scenario. I found that it was always me phoning him, and me initiating the texts - which I had absolutely no problem with. In fact, I was probably texting him more and more often because I didn't want him to feel like I'd gone and got myself a new life, of which he wasn't a part of anymore. I didn't want him to be continually wondering what I was doing - so I text him to excitedly let him know what I was doing, and how things were going. He later told me that he really appreciated that, so if you can, read how your boyfriend may react, and act accordingly. Always try and put yourself in his shoes; reverse the situation.

It's obvious, I know, but communication really is the key to LD relationships. It's perfectly possible for a LD relationship to work out provided the two people involved know that they both want to be with each other, and essentially, imo, they both see a future together.

Just generally now - not directly in reply to lil_crazyflakes:
I really don't understand the whole tempted to stray at Uni feeling. Sure, you're away from your partner, but if you're really in love, then in your opinion, surely you've got the best guy/girl in the world. Why would anyone be tempted, if you've already got the best on your arm? Again, I think it's mainly down to whether or not you see a long-term future together. But, anyway, I've had this debate before and realise that some people see it differently Anyway! That's my (allbeit rather lengthy... sorry!) tuppence worth

Hope things work out lil_crazyflakes
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_poptart_
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#25
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#25
(Original post by Create)
I really don't understand the whole tempted to stray at Uni feeling. Sure, you're away from your partner, but if you're really in love, then in your opinion, surely you've got the best guy/girl in the world. Why would anyone be tempted, if you've already got the best on your arm? Again, I think it's mainly down to whether or not you see a long-term future together. But, anyway, I've had this debate before and realise that some people see it differently Anyway! That's my (allbeit rather lengthy... sorry!) tuppence worth

Hope things work out lil_crazyflakes
:dito:
i completely agree, I gues its just the people who basically arent in love that stray - it sounds obvious I no. Surely if you're a strong couple and meant to be together then the person at uni wouldnt feel any need to look somewhere else?
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xx_ambellina_xx
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#26
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just take it as it goes, and accept the outcome. long-distance is scary. my boyfriend is currently 200 miles away from me, and in october i'm going to uni 100 miles away from him. what effect this is going to have is anyone's guess, but that's the nature of relationships anyway.
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_poptart_
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(Original post by xx_ambellina_xx)
just take it as it goes, and accept the outcome. long-distance is scary. my boyfriend is currently 200 miles away from me, and in october i'm going to uni 100 miles away from him. what effect this is going to have is anyone's guess, but that's the nature of relationships anyway.
:eek: Wow you're brave, you obviously both trust each other a lot to be able to do something so hard. Will you be able to see him regularly or is only on holidays that you can meet up?
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Apricot Fairy
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#28
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I think couples who cheat when one or both of them goes to uni would have split up anyway. As has been said, if you felt you had the best partner you could wish for, you wouldn't be tempted to cheat.

I also think that couples who see each other all the time are not necessarily stronger. When my ex-boyfriend and I were together, we had 7 months before he went away and then a year when he was at uni and I wasn't, and then a while after that before we split up. When he was away we saw each other about once every three weeks, and when he was at home, a couple of times a week. We talked most days, but not every day. I trusted him completely and I know he didn't cheat on me. Although it broke down eventually, we had a very good, positive, strong relationship and we're still friends now.

Contrast this with the story of my friends. We'll call them Jenny and Sam. They got together at the beginning of 6th form, and were one of those really nauseating couples. The type that probably invented the "Public Display of Affection". I'd be talking to Jenny in the library, or the canteen perhaps, right in the middle, and Sam would come over and start kissing her mid sentence. So they'd start having a passionate session right there in front of me, and I'd be stood there trying to decide whether to walk off and let them get on with it, stand there and watch, or strike up a conversation with a random passer-by. They spent every possible second together, and one would stay at the other's house pretty much every night.

When they'd been together a year, they applied to the same 6 unis, based on which ones offered both courses (not many) rather than which ones they actually wanted to go to/were any good. Out of those 6, the one they both liked the least and didn't want to go to at all was the only uni to offer them both a place. So they went there, and applied for the same accommodation, and ended up living on the same corridor.

In December I went to our A-level presentation evening and saw Jenny there. I said I was surprised Sam wasn't with her, and asked how he was. She said she didn't know, and that they weren't together any more. When I asked why, she said, "Well, I.....kinda cheated on him!"

It took them exactly 10 days to break up. Now they're both in a uni they never wanted to go to, and Sam had to switch to horrible accommodation because they couldn't stand seeing each other all the time once they'd broken up and Jenny was with this other guy.

If they couldn't make it work, but some couples go to uni hundreds of miles apart, stay faithful and have a long future together afterwards, I think that says it's definitely the couple that determines whether it works out, and not their situation.
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Apricot Fairy
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#29
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PS - thank you for the rep, anonymous person.
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Lucas
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#30
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bleh i duno, as much as u may trust someone, there is always that element of doubt in the back of your mind which can sometimes be a danger...
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#31
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(Original post by Lucas)
bleh i duno, as much as u may trust someone, there is always that element of doubt in the back of your mind which can sometimes be a danger...
Sorry, I disagree. I trust my boyfriend implicitly, and I know he feels the same way towards me. We've got something so special, and we both know how lucky we are, and we tell each other all the time. I have no doubts that he loves me, and no doubts that he will stay faithful to me.

As with most things, natural, open and honest communication, is so important, and if you've got that, then there's absolutely no need to doubt anyone.

Before I met my boyfriend, I was under the same impression as you - there's always that seed of doubt. Not anymore though, it vanished pretty much as soon as we got together, and I very much doubt I'll see it return.
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lil_crazyflakes
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#32
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(Original post by Create)
Hmmm. Your last sentence here does worry me slightly - do you mind me asking if you think like this from things that have happened during your relationship or his past ones?

If you've been going out nearly two years, then that's a fantastic grounding for it to work. I know this isn't always the case, but it does generally help. It also sounds like you're really close, and obviously see an awful lot of each other. I think that initially, this will be the hardest thing to overcome - for both of you. Always keep in mind that he will be doing the same things that he has done for years, and it's you who's going to be meeting new people, experiencing different things, and settling into what is essentially, a new life. Now, it depends on what type of person he is, but I reckon things could change from his end in two ways:
1) You may hear from him a lot, lot more. This may be because he's missing you like crazy, and it may be because he'll be wondering about all the new people your meeting, and wanting to subconsciously remind you that he's still there.
2) You may hear from him a lot less. This isn't likely to be because it's a case of 'out-of-sight, out-of-mind' scenario, but more likely because he's sensitive to the situation that when you're meeting new people, sometimes you just need space to do that. He won't know what you've got in your diary now, he won't know when you're busy or not, and he may feel like he doesn't want to interrupt you making new friends.

My boyfriend (at the time) acted in the second scenario. I found that it was always me phoning him, and me initiating the texts - which I had absolutely no problem with. In fact, I was probably texting him more and more often because I didn't want him to feel like I'd gone and got myself a new life, of which he wasn't a part of anymore. I didn't want him to be continually wondering what I was doing - so I text him to excitedly let him know what I was doing, and how things were going. He later told me that he really appreciated that, so if you can, read how your boyfriend may react, and act accordingly. Always try and put yourself in his shoes; reverse the situation.

It's obvious, I know, but communication really is the key to LD relationships. It's perfectly possible for a LD relationship to work out provided the two people involved know that they both want to be with each other, and essentially, imo, they both see a future together.

Just generally now - not directly in reply to lil_crazyflakes:
I really don't understand the whole tempted to stray at Uni feeling. Sure, you're away from your partner, but if you're really in love, then in your opinion, surely you've got the best guy/girl in the world. Why would anyone be tempted, if you've already got the best on your arm? Again, I think it's mainly down to whether or not you see a long-term future together. But, anyway, I've had this debate before and realise that some people see it differently Anyway! That's my (allbeit rather lengthy... sorry!) tuppence worth

Hope things work out lil_crazyflakes
Wow, thanks for yet another great post. I will still see him because i'll be living at home, it's just we see each other constantly in school at the moment. It's not a long distance relationship problem, more like a change and not seeing each other as much. I really hope we will last
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Jessie
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#33
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Personally, I think everyone should give it a go, if they want to. I don't think you should break up with someone just because you're off to uni.

And the problems don't always happen immediately in Freshers Week. You don't register at your uni, and then some magic fairy makes you an entirely different person. You just change over a while, learn to be independent, think differently, meet new people who influence you, go out more. And the person you become may or may not be incompatible with the person you were going out with.

I had a wonderful first term with my boyfriend (who is in the same town but different uni), we went out in the evenings maybe once a week, we saw each other maybe two/three times on top of that. I felt that everything I'd been scared of was just not coming true (e.g. having difficulty balancing time between friends and each other, us meeting someone else, me having too much work to see him). And then in our second term it all went wrong and I'm still not really sure why. I felt that it was down to me to keep in contact (and it is important that there's an equal commitment if you want to keep a relationship going), i felt that I never saw him anymore and when I did we never did anything new. We certainly never went out to a bar anymore like we used to. And we always fought over the tiniest things. I was feeling a bit ill and had lots of work which made me depressed and easily stressed out.

But, we had several very long talks (about 4 hours long each!) at the beginning of the summer term and now it's alright again. I won't say back where it was because I think we've moved on from where we were when we started uni. Now we both accept that our relationship (at 18 months old) is no longer what it was when we first started going out and that we should appreciate what we've got now and are probably closer as a result of our problems.

I think a lot of young couples find it hard after a year or so and uni only makes it worse. Give it a go, but be prepared that it might all come falling down around you. And maybe if you are both applying to the same uni, choose different halls to give you each a bit of space and to avoid situations like the one described in an earlier post.
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xx_ambellina_xx
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#34
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#34
(Original post by jeni8686)
:eek: Wow you're brave, you obviously both trust each other a lot to be able to do something so hard. Will you be able to see him regularly or is only on holidays that you can meet up?
i trust him entirely, we know each other really well. i'm hoping we'll be able to meet up in london once every few weeks (he's in oxford, hopefully i'll be in cambridge)...and i guess there's always the boat race
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#35
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Most of it depends on how drunk the person really is. Tell them to avoid alcohol, and your life will be much less painful.
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clairey87
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#36
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#36
Yes, alcohol is no excuse for cheating!
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Lucas
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#37
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lol thats a little extreme going tee-total i think..

but girls mostly assume it's the guys who will go astray which just isn't true lol!

i reckon guys can say no to a sexiii girl easier than a girl could say no to a charming-handsome man...though guys have boundaries a bit further than females, we stick to them more often
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clairey87
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#38
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No I mean that if my boyfriend kissed someone whilst drunk and tried to blame it on the alcohol then that'd be the end of it.
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