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    From an early age, I had always viewed the world of business from afar. Although interested to know how complex the corporate realm and related areas such as finance and law interacted and worked together, I did not have the opportunity until arriving at college.

    When choosing which A-Level subjects to pursue (despite having no prior education in the area of business) I felt my longstanding curiosity and willingness to learn what was required for a Business Studies course would make such a decision worthwhile. Complimenting this choice, I picked an English (Language & Literature) A-Level to accompany my learning in Business Studies and improve upon my already apparent language skills.

    To improve upon the knowledge amassed in the classroom, outside of college I regularly read the Financial Times (FT) and literature such as 'The Adventures Of Don Quixote' which I was lucky enough to find. Aside from texts I discovered a wealth of information on television, that I never found in my younger years, perhaps because business wasn't as regarded as it is now, or there weren't so many scandals, or perhaps previous ones (before Enron etc) were not so well reported or publicised. The accessibility and depth of television and newspaper reports as well as those found on the internet have only helped maintain and nurture my interest and knowledge of an increasingly corporate world.

    In my spare time, I enjoy badminton and rock climbing with friends, as well as occasionally camping and hiking around Scotland or the Lake District. I own a guitar and attempt to play that when I'm feeling brave. After leaving college in 2004, I felt I needed a break from full time education and in the year out was able to read various books on business and management strategies, and to finish reading all two parts (and 126 chapters) of Don Quixote.

    At university, I feel the experience of meeting so many people and the higher level of learning available will be valuable and a useful preparatory step in a career in business, which I am sure I would enjoy and will and nurture my fervour for business.. However, part of the reason for my taking a gap year was my suffering from anxiety, evidenced in the deterioration of my grades in the second (A2) year of college education. After therapy though, I am able to manage any anxieties I have and prevent them from affecting any facet of my life, including my education. The proof of this is my application for university.

    (EDITED)
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    Don't mention that you declined your grades in the second (A2) year of college education. Mention about your career plans and other future plans. Talk more about why you want to take business at university.
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    I meant the grades got worse, not that I didnt accept them lol.
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    (Original post by -TMG-)
    I meant the grades got worse, not that I didnt accept them lol.
    I think you should still take that sentence out, as the personal statement should be about good things.
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    Okay I edited it, just don't read the negative bit if you dont want lol. Is it good now?
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    Go to this website, and there is a checklist to see if you included everything in your personal statement: http://www.ucas.com/getting/apply05/howtoapply05.pdf

    To improve upon the knowledge amassed in the classroom, outside of college I regularly read the Financial Times (FT) and literature such as 'The Adventures Of Don Quixote' which I was lucky enough to find.
    For the quotated sentence above, there is no need to write 'which I was luck enough to find'.

    Mention some plans you want to do after university (e.g. find a job, travelling, etc...). If you want to find a job after university, state the job you want to do.
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    Some comments below:

    (Original post by -TMG-)
    From an early age, I had always viewed the world of business from afar to me, "from afar" suggests a distance between you and business - you may want to rephrase in a way which emphasises your interest rather than making you sound like a passive on-looker. Although interested to know how complex the corporate realm and related areas such as finance and law interacted and worked together, I did not have the opportunity until arriving at college. [Although I was keen/anxious to find out about the complex corporate realm and to learn how related areas such as finance and law interacted with each other, I did not have an opportunity to do so until college.]

    When choosing which A-Level subjects to pursue (despite having no prior education in the area of business - I would take this out) I felt my longstanding curiosity and willingness to learn what was required for a Business Studies course would make such a decision worthwhile - that doesn't read very well. Complementing this choice, I picked an English (Language & Literature) take out the brackets? A-Level to accompany my learning in Business Studies and improve upon my already apparent language skills.

    To improve upon same expression twice in a row the knowledge amassed in the classroom, outside of college I regularly read the Financial Times (FT - no need to abbreviate) and literature such as 'The Adventures Of Don Quixote' which I was lucky enough to find - as Trev already pointed out, this should come out. Aside from texts I discovered a wealth of information on television, that I never found in my younger years, perhaps because business wasn't as regarded as it is now, or there weren't so many scandals, or perhaps previous ones (before Enron etc) were not so well reported or publicised - make sure you can talk about this if asked in the interview. The accessibility and depth of television and newspaper reports as well as those found on the internet have only helped maintain and nurture my interest in and knowledge of an increasingly corporate world.

    In my spare time, I enjoy badminton and rock climbing with friends, as well as occasionally camping and hiking around Scotland or the Lake District. I own a guitar and attempt to play that when I'm feeling brave - put a more positive spin on this!. After leaving college in 2004, I felt I needed a break from full time education and in the year out was able to read various books on business and management strategies, and to finish reading all two parts (and 126 chapters) of Don Quixote - consider mentioning other books apart from Don Quixote? otherwise it may look as if you haven't read anything else! Did you do anything else in your gap year which might be worth a mention, for example any work experience or travel?.

    At university, I feel the experience of meeting so many people and the higher level of learning available will be valuable and a useful preparatory step in a career in business, which I am sure I would enjoy and will and - take out "and" nurture my fervour for business.. However, part of the reason for my taking a gap year was my suffering from anxiety, evidenced in the deterioration of my grades in the second (A2) year of college education. After therapy though, I am able to manage any anxieties I have and prevent them from affecting any facet of my life, including my education. The proof of this is my application for university - again, don't dwell on this; do you want to mention it if it hasn't affected your overall grades? If you are going to include this, it might be better in the penultimate paragraph which deals with your gap year.

    (EDITED)
    Overall, I'd suggest more on why you want to do business at university and what will make you suitable for the course. One short paragraph really isn't enough. The final two paragraphs, on the other hand, could be shorter, especially the references to your anxiety and deteriorating grades. Remember, this is your opportunity to sell yourself - you need to focus on the positive!
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    I think you mention Don Quixote too much; the reader has the impression that that's the only book you have read. Generally, i think its comes over as slightly superifical. I think its a good ideas to talk more about why you want to do business studies and what experiences you have of the world of business in greater detail.
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    (Original post by Richy Rich$$)
    I think you mention Don Quixote too much; the reader has the impression that that's the only book you have read. Generally, i think its comes over as slightly superifical. I think its a good ideas to talk more about why you want to do business studies and what experiences you have of the world of business in greater detail.
    I agree- you seem slightly fixated with Don Quixote (though it is fantastic book )
    Also, the section about TV needs rephrased. You should probably mention what you actually did in your gap year, and any relevant work experience you have. I think in general you need to be a bit more confident and positive- a lot of it sounds like you're making excuses.
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    (Original post by -TMG-)
    Aside from texts I discovered a wealth of information on television, that I never found in my younger years, perhaps because business wasn't as regarded as it is now, or there weren't so many scandals, or perhaps previous ones (before Enron etc) were not so well reported or publicised.
    .......
    In my spare time, I enjoy badminton and rock climbing with friends, as well as occasionally camping and hiking around Scotland or the Lake District. I
    I agree with the other comments made, but a couple of other points.
    "Prehaps business wasn't as regarded as it is now." You should write was not, you're better not shortening it. Also, that sentence reads abit funny, I think it might sound better as as 'highly regarded' or something, it just feels abit regarded as what......

    Where you have mentioned about spare time activites, what do make you as a person? Don't just mention them, talk about skills required for them, climbing means you need to be able to work well in a group (I take it you don't solo,) etc.
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    I would scrap the 'from an early age' at the start... it's a cliched & overused way to begin a personal statement and doesn't really sound right with the second half of the sentence.
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    Generally very good. some pointers:
    It isn't clear to me what you're applying for
    is it law and finance? if so, your statement is focusing mostly on finance- i've seen no mention of law! And if it is finance, your statement could apply better to someone applying for business studies.
    Get rid of:
    which I was lucky enough to find
    that I never found in my younger years, perhaps because business wasn't as regarded as it is now, or there weren't so many scandals, or perhaps previous ones (before Enron etc) were not so well reported or publicised
    (despite having no prior education in the area of business)
    The proof of this is my application for university.
    These add nothing to the statement, make it less concise.
    Get rid off the bit about why your grades declined (the teacher should put that in their reference)
    You've mentioned reading 2x, perhaps skip the double mention of Don Q. Maybe try to put the reading part together and mention some of the books that you've read. Not only that but you have to write what you GAINED from reading them.
    Its well written otherwise....maybe its just me but by making it sound more concise, you can get across your enthusiasm for the subject.
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    (Original post by -TMG-)
    From an early age, I had always viewed the world of business from afar. Although interested to know how complex the corporate realm and related areas such as finance and law interacted and worked together, I did not have the opportunity until arriving at college.

    When choosing which A-Level subjects to pursue (despite having no prior education in the area of business) I felt my longstanding curiosity and willingness to learn what was required for a Business Studies course would make such a decision worthwhile. Complimenting this choice, I picked an English (Language & Literature) A-Level to accompany my learning in Business Studies and improve upon my already apparent language skills.

    To improve upon the knowledge amassed in the classroom, outside of college I regularly read the Financial Times (FT) and literature such as 'The Adventures Of Don Quixote' which I was lucky enough to find. Aside from texts I discovered a wealth of information on television, that I never found in my younger years, perhaps because business wasn't as regarded as it is now, or there weren't so many scandals, or perhaps previous ones (before Enron etc) were not so well reported or publicised. The accessibility and depth of television and newspaper reports as well as those found on the internet have only helped maintain and nurture my interest and knowledge of an increasingly corporate world.

    In my spare time, I enjoy badminton and rock climbing with friends, as well as occasionally camping and hiking around Scotland or the Lake District. I own a guitar and attempt to play that when I'm feeling brave. After leaving college in 2004, I felt I needed a break from full time education and in the year out was able to read various books on business and management strategies, and to finish reading all two parts (and 126 chapters) of Don Quixote.

    At university, I feel the experience of meeting so many people and the higher level of learning available will be valuable and a useful preparatory step in a career in business, which I am sure I would enjoy and will and nurture my fervour for business.. However, part of the reason for my taking a gap year was my suffering from anxiety, evidenced in the deterioration of my grades in the second (A2) year of college education. After therapy though, I am able to manage any anxieties I have and prevent them from affecting any facet of my life, including my education. The proof of this is my application for university.

    (EDITED)
    The Don Quixote reference comes across as if you only mentioned it because it's long and "impressive" - lose the reference to its length and possibly mentioning the specific book altogether in favour of a general statement about wanting to widen/expand your reading. The "From an early age" is a bit cliche - you don't need a ridiculously original opening sentence but I'd try to avoid the "from an early age"/"since I was a child" etc. ones.
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    First para needs rephrasing to make sense, try not to start using "From an early age", I think it needs switching round ie "It was not until starting College " or something, and read this a few times:

    " Although interested to know how complex the corporate realm and related areas such as finance and law interacted and worked together, I did not have the opportunity until arriving at college."

    does it make sense? Opportunity for what?



    "To improve upon the knowledge amassed in the classroom, outside of college I regularly read the Financial Times (FT) and literature such as 'The Adventures Of Don Quixote' which I was lucky enough to find"

    How did this book improve your knowledge of your chosen degree subject?



    "When choosing which A-Level subjects to pursue (despite having no prior education in the area of business) I felt my longstanding curiosity and willingness to learn what was required for a Business Studies course would make such a decision worthwhile. Complimenting this choice, I picked an English (Language & Literature) A-Level to accompany my learning in Business Studies and improve upon my already apparent language skills."

    More direct language needed, it's too waffly. It says no more than I'm picking a course because I want too, and another because it'll help it. All this is in the past really and you need more about what motivates you for the future.


    Don't really think television a good source of info, suggests lazy. Mention News 24 or something like that if you want to.


    Lack of knowledge of scandals suggests lack of depth of knowledge and little research of the subject because there have been many. Also is this all that interests your in BS?

    "I own a guitar and attempt to play that when I'm feeling brave"

    bit negative, try to turn into more of an achievement.


    Be helpful if you could rationalise the anxieties. Were they caused by bullying, relationship probs, family? And maybe a final "now I feel ready to continue with my career ambitions"

    More postives, more direct language, you've loads of time to refine it. This years pss seem too chatty and story based. Try to disciplin it more, without turning it into a list.

    All my opinion of course, don't change a thing if you don't want to.
 
 
 

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