Haha. To be fair on her though, this question is a little different.
Now I'm going to try and answer from the awkward position of someone who only holds an offer, and thus all the details I provide are based on second-hand accounts from friends who study there / what I gleaned when up at interview
a) Close to Bodleian LibraryI believe, as the library is pretty centrally located, that a lot of colleges are close by. Brasenose and Hertford are the most obvious, but Balliol/Trinity and the Turl Street colleges aren't exactly far.
b) Good bar/JCR etc.I can't answer this, it's better for current or ex-students to tell you. All I know is that LMH is completing renovation of their JCR, but they're unfortunately far out from the centre.
c) Not too fussed about food, but preferrably decent kitchen facilitiesAs per b), I can't really help. In fact, I realise I'm not very helpful at all, so I've skipped to g)
g) I don't mind it big, in size or population so long as there's a friendly atmosphereSt. Anne's is one of the biggest colleges, but is also considered one of the most laid back and friendly. I kind of wish I'd applied there actually, as much as I love my (hopefully) future college. On the other hand, there are some that are considered, purely by stereotype, to be less friendly (Christ Church, Merton etc.), though I don't know how true these stereotypes are.
h) somewhere kids aren't TOO uptight over academics.. ie people who can take studying seriously, but still have fun.There will surely be people like this in almost every college?
Basically, as you can see from the more general questions (i.e. the only type I'm at all able to answer

), you may find a lot of colleges fit your criteria. The best bet is to wait for actual students to narrow down your choices through the more specific questions (kitchen facilities, sports and music), and then make a shortlist, after which you
MUST visit the university. I believe this is the only way of truly deciding on the best college for you. The college I ended up applying to wasn't even on my shortlist, in fact, I just turned up and loved it, it really does happen like that.
Best of luck. The only other advice I can give is to not post too many topics like this in the coming months, I'm sure it's annoying for the current students to have to answer.