Bah! The closer to the interviews, the more stressed I become. I've always defined myself on my ability as a thinker and economist, but as the wretched moment approaches, I find myself increasingly worried. I've pinned so many hopes and ambitions upon being accepted that I'm honesty worried about how I'll handle it if I don't make. It's just a dream, you know? PPE is my love, it's what fascinates me - I honestly feel like I was born to do it. Not a mathematician, not a lawyer, not a doctor - a PPE graduate. To be rejected would be like being told a core part of myself wasn't good enough, that the thing I pride myself most on is not capable of doing what I believe I can do.
The lack of certainty is horrendous. There's always another challenge, always another worry. 9 A* grades and 1 A seemed fine, then you examine the competition and see the candidate with 14 A* grades. AAAAA at AS seemed fine, then you see the AAAAAA candidates. The personal statement reads like a dream, until you read the other personal statements and realise yours floats in a sea of mediocrity, with the ever-so-predictable Krugman, Stiglitz, Mill and Machiavelli taunting your lack of originality. The 45/50 on the TSA fills you with a sense of achievement, until you realise that is only about 78% when converted and you have been soundly thrashed by several other candidates.
And that's not even touching on the pressure of the interviews! Three half-hour interviews in which you have to impress a triumvirate of people you've never met before sufficiently to fulfil what is the single guiding ambition in life. There's no margin for error, you slip up - and that's it. The increasing realisation of my mediocrity is really wearing me down.