The loneliness that comes with having no friends is really getting to me

Wow, so much good advice here.

I was in a situation when I felt that noone wanted to be my friend. However, as time passed, I met some lovely people who stuck by me through bad times. That was when I was in Year 7, but I still rememeber how painful being lonely was.

My advice is still keep on going to your volunteering groups and sports. It might seem pointless now, but your confidence will increase gradually. Who knows, you might meet someone who could be a friend there.

It may be strange, but it's a good idea to keep on smiling. Even when you're down, smile. People will then feel welcome when they greet you. Even stranger, is your posture. Do you slouch by the way? If so, try practising standing up straight. It will make you feel more confident and make you look repoachable.

You can also start conversations by complimenting on their clothes, asking questions about their plans in the future etc. I'm not sure if you already did that, though. Heck, you can even talk about the weather if you wanted to.

If that's a bit difficult, grab a parent or someone at home, to practise convoservations with. Keep doing this, till you feel confident with talking to someone at school. If you're head of your Debating Society, then I'm sure you'll be good at talking to peers in no time .

Thanks for the good advice.

I can't really go to clubs and drink and that sort of thing. I'm muslim (well I'm not very strict), but I'm sure my parents would go mental if I started acting like that.

I try actually focusing on a few people. For example at the moment, I've basically hung around at break times and lunch times since I joined the school. I've tried to socialise with other people to, but I've always tagged around with this group, hoping they'll accept me as a friend. But they haven't.
I've gone out of my way to make friends so many times. It's just never worked.

Your reply says something to me (I may be wrong).

You have assumed that if you go to club you have to drink and take drugs. Do you really have to? There is dancing (not morris) where you can just dance - popping pills isn't obligatory. You have pre-judged what the experience will be like before going.

Now I'm going to make a big assumption (we can all do that) also "I'm sure my parents would go mental if I started acting like that"

Acting like what? Did I advocate drinking and pill-taking? I'm guessing the idea does hold some appeal.

I am going to assume that being a muslim parental power/pressure/expectation is very strong and too strong to resist at the moment. Any suggestion of you going to somewhere to dance is probably going to have them wringing their hands or locking you in. Then it is tricky.
I'm aslo going to assume that before long they are going to want you to meet a "nice girl". You are going to have to decide how you are going to deal with that. You just have to accept that they believe they are doing the best for you - even if they aren't. Eventually both you and they will have to let go. You can be your own person without "going berzerk" or "going off the rails".

Once friendship groups are formed they can be pretty hostile to 'outsiders'. Is there no one sitting near you in lessons you could try to talk to? If all else fails you'll just have to make a fresh start at uni.

It's like elitism. It leaves you lonely.

I was in a similar situation in my second year of sixth form, when everyone had already built social groups. I had spent my whole first year with my boyfriend (in the year above me), and as the sixth form was not part of the high school I had gone to, I didn't really know anyone. I had to put a huge amount of effort into trying to make friends, and I went through a few different groups, eventually deciding they weren't for me, and at times I felt like I just wanted to give up. It took a few months, but eventually I started talking to a really nice girl in one of the common rooms, and she introducted me to her friends and I got to know them too, so now (even though I've actually left sixth form now) I have a solid group of friends I can socialise with.

I would advise you to pick a "victim" who you think would make the best friend for you, and try your hardest to get to know them, and if you succeed they can act as a gatekeeper, allowing you to get to know all of the people they know. Is there a common room or a place where everyone goes to socialise? You should go and sit near your chosen "victim" and talk to them. You must learn the art of small talk, just commenting on things, or asking questions not because you need to know the answers but because they will receive a response from the other person. You must demonstrate a sense of humour, and sometimes a bit of fake laughing is involved (showing the other person you think they are funny even when they are not), or making funny comments.

It can be painfully awkward practically forcing yourself on a social group, but if you persevere they will become used to your presence and accept you.

Hello.
Lately I’ve been getting very depressed. I’ve been depressed for a good number of years due to the lack of friends/loneliness, and as most people know depression often comes in bouts (i.e. it comes and goes.) But lately it’s been intolerable, the depression/loneliness plaguing my mind every day. I go to bed every day miserable, sometimes on the point of crying. Before I am to continue, I want to say I am not posting this for purely kind words. I want people to read this story, and if they can suggest help and advice. I apologise for perhaps writing in a manner which is too direct/blunt but I want to make my point/problems clear. I don’t want my particular style of writing to distort the meanings/events/things what I say. I know it’s a bit long, and I apologise for that.

Ok back to the matter at hand. I’ve attended a boys school for 5 years. For 5 years now (I’m 17 now), I haven’t had a single friend. I’ve never done anything outside of school, never gone to a party. I’ve desperately wanted friends since I joined the school, but no one has accepted me or invited me to anything. I’m rather shy at school, and hence I’ve often been labelled as the “quiet guy” at school.

While I realise inherently that my shyness is a curse upon me making friends, I’ve tried to compensate for it, being involved in many clubs at school, and trying my best to talk to others. I take an active role in these clubs, organising many of them (tennis, badminton, debating club I all head/organise). I find it easier to talk if it’s about a certain thing. Debating society for example it would be unexpected for me to be a member (or even head it), but I’m rather good at public speaking. It’s that informal conversation between my peers I can’t quite crack. My mind sort of can’t think of anything to say in these situations/blanks (perhaps due to shyness). At home I’m very talkative, and I make quite a lot of jokes. While at school, I’m rather quiet (and I make very few jokes. To be honest, I can never think of a good joke/or find inspiration there). I figure it would get better when I become more comfortable around my peers, yet because I was never invited or included I never really got over this shyness with others.

I hoped for ages I would make friends. I lived in hope of making friends. I did favours for lots of people, always tried to be kind and polite. A lot of people might say I’m perhaps too overeager and that is why I’m not making friends. Whilst I have tried to make friends, I’ve never been overeager. In fact I’m quite well liked in school, it’s just no one really regards me as a friend. Everyone is friendly to me (as perhaps I am to them), but that isn’t really enough for me. I really wanted friends, and have an active social life (I don’t actually have a social life, it’s slightly embarrassing/saddening).

I’m 17 now, and I have to say those 5 years have been the worst of my life. I feel as I’ve almost wasted a part of my life. I’ve never gone to a party, never kissed a girl, never had any friends. I’ve tried to involve myself with music and sport especially to try and offset my loneliness, and after the amount of effort I put it, I’m rather good at them (not trying to be arrogant). I’ve done well academically, but alas I’ve not succeeded in the thing I wanted so badly. It’s an awful feeling being this lonely, without a single friend, and it really eats you up inside. I can’t count the number of weekends I’ve spent lonely and depressed.

At the weekends, for some company I do quite a bit of volunteer work. Even though I like doing volunteer work and helping others, I partly do it gives me a bit of social contact. While kids perhaps at their age can’t hold a conversation like someone of my age, they always recognise your existence, looking forward for you to come to see them. It’s a nice feeling. I know it’s sad saying that but it’s really the highlight of my week. I do about 5 hours of volunteer work of a weekend. I know a lot of you might think this is a bit much, but I don’t really struggle with schoolwork and I have time for it (I don’t have anything else to do really, except the tennis club I go to). I really like doing it. I volunteer for an old people’s home too, again I like doing it/enjoy the company. Sometimes I talk to strangers, e.g. on the bus just to have someone to talk to. While it mind sound a bit weird, but I do it as I think it improves my confidence (perhaps it hasn’t really worked). I find it easy to talk with strangers and people outside school, but at school I’m always quiet. I’ve tried joining clubs outside school, but that’s again proved pretty useless in terms of making friends.

So I’m on holiday and I’ve basically got nothing to do, and I’m very lonely and sad at this point. Could anyone suggest anything I can do to try and finish off my last remaining year with a smile on my face. I realise perhaps it’s too late now to foster any friendships at this point. I’ve tried to stay positive about it, but I’ve basically sick of it now/I’ve lost hope. If not, could you suggest what perhaps I could try and do in the summer holidays (I’ve got nothing to do), or how I might start afresh at university (I will be applying to uni next year). I feel as if I’ve done everything that’s recommended to try and make friends, but none of it’s worked.

Anyway, if anyone could suggest any advice I’d very much appreciate it. Feel free to PM or whatever if you want or ask in thread anything you’re unsure about/you want to ask. I’m desperate to try anything at this point, and I’d value any advice you may spare.

I keep a smile at all times. I'm generally very positive all the time. There was one time I got really upset with some people (they did something really bad to me). But they didn't bother to apologise to me even when I was clearly upset. Waited for it to blow over (which took about 2 weeks) rather than apologise. Yet when the slightest thing happens to their so called friends, they come running to comfort them.
I don't slouch if you're wondering
I'm sorry I sound a bit pessimistic or agitated. It's just it seems as if I've tried all these things already and they haven't worked.

Gosh....your story really makes me feel sad.
My last two years at school ( especially this one) have probably been the loneliest I have ever experienced but for you...5 years .
The only friend I had was someone who I feel looking back now doesn't really rate me very much. We were sort of two lonely people who too refuge in our own pity, we became dependent on each other, I lost all my friends apart from this particular person. Where that friend wasn't in school I was on my own...I used to just sit in the toilets and try and waste time pretending to be studying at lunch...was hardly invited to any parties and what was worse is that I used to be quite well liked so it was a big change for me. Anyway...back onto your problem.

I think because you WANT so badly to make friends that is a good sign because you get some people who are lonely and don't give anyone a chance to become your friend.
This holiday period is brilliant to gain some new life experiences. Are you going abroad? Experiences from other countries are good at getting the conversation going as it is not something everyone has experienced. Have you got any older brothers/ cousins? They could probably help too ( as I'm not a boy I wouldn't know what guys really like to talk about lol )

Um...believe in yourself and give your self and other people a chance. It is harder to make friends in an evnironment you have been in for 5 years as everyone has their groups ( which is why I'm glad I've left school now and can start again in uni). You could approach people in your class out of school hours and ask for help on homework etc..( even if you don't need it, its is a good way to start a conversation).
Try meeting people outside school too by joining local clubs etc.

The more confident you begin to feel with people then you can maybe ask them if they want to go down the pub( what ever it is guys like to do) and just escape from the school environment. You said you are talkative at home then maybe it is the school environment getting you down. Try socialising with people off school grounds....hope this has helped a bit. Keep us updated with any progress. You sound like a nice guy.

All the best

Man, that sucks. I hate people like that, but they're just jerks. Don't worry about those people, you're clearly the better person, having to put up with that.

Hey, don't worry about it.g. You're reproachable enough(smiling, having a positive attitude, not slouching) but yet people don't seem to want to hang out. I guess you just have to keep up at things, even though they don't seem to be working.

Maybe talking to a form tutor about?

Agreed, talking to someone really helps. Ive talked with my tutors, parents, counsellors, friends and it made me feel alot better. Depression alliance (www.depressionalliance.org) could help, they have things like group meetings and pen friend schemes. I recently did a depression awareness campaign for them, and i would really recommend them, they are really nice people

I think my form tutor knows about it already. To be honest I don't see what he can do about it. It's not primary school anymore where teachers can force kids to play together (not that ever happened in primary school). All he can ask is for others to perhaps hang around with me or play football a bit (and if he asked, it's likely not going to be very sincere). Anyway they already do that. I've pretty much helped out most people in my year at some point in their life (in a small or big way) and they can see I'm a nice person. But actually caring that I'm lonely, they don't care at all. A few times one of them has mentioned that perhaps they should invite me to something but the others in that group have said no (too many people already, too late to invite anyone, any lame excuse basically).

God, it just breaks my heart to read about situations like this and not be able to do anything about it. Besides be friendly and try to put yourself out there, which it seems like you're doing, I don't really have anything else to advise. For this summer anyway you could try volunteering, getting a job or going to clubs to make some friends outside of your school. Or if you just need someone to talk to there are plenty of people on here.

I'm sorry I don't have anything amazing to say, but I'm so sorry you're in this position. Just know that things in life almost always get better eventually, especially if you're a teenager.

Hmm, maybe you should arrange to hang out (outside of school) with that one person who keeps inviting you. I know he'd might not do so, because of his other friends, but it's worth a try. Unless you'd already have done that. Otherwise, that can't be helped, I guess. You're a nice person, so you deserve some hang-out time!