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I'm so desperate to make friends Watch

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    In September I'll be starting my second year of uni. Can anyone give me advice on how to make friends please I've been lonely my whole life and i feel like I'm becoming insane. I thought Uni would be revolutionary, that like many people, I'd be able to change and be more sociable. But it never happened, despite me joining a few clubs and trying to be active.

    I didn't get on well with my flatmates; they just didnt seem to like me and cast me aside after freshers week, ignoring me and not asking me to go with them on nights out. I made a few acquaintances on my course, but it's such a big course that I don't often see them at lectures and they never really became friends...they remained, ultimately, acquaintances. At clubs, I tried to go to meetings regularly, but again, didnt manage to make friends- the people i met became people I only saw at meetings and a few lonely socials.

    Can anyone give me advice...perhaps someone who's been lonely and was able to change later in life.. I'm seriously starting to think that I'm gonna be like that for the rest of my life- and it's a terrifying thought.
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    join the club
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    I'm sorry, but if you're in university and you have 0 friends - there's something wrong with you, I know nothing is worse in the world than being alone, take it from me but you have to make the extra effort do extra stuff outside uni, get into music or sports or drama i dunno but it's hard! but you gotta try.
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    Maybe get a job? Other than that , I honestly don't know what to suggest to you....
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    You need to have a bit of confidence in you to get with 'the lads' and try and crack plenty of jokes, don't shy out, as that was probably where you went wrong.
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    (Original post by obessedwithu&rockmusic)
    i went shopping by myself today
    i know how you feel
    Just because you went shopping by yourself?

    OP: Stick like glue to people who YOU think you will get along with, then hopefully that guy will have friends who he can introduce you to etc.

    Good luck.
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    Societies, job, talk to people more.

    Other than those, you sound very insecure. Just try and loosen up a bit. I would be lying if I said I was the most popular person at my uni, but if you feel more sure of yourself, things will get better.
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    I don't recommend using 'I'm so desperate to make friends' as a conversation starter.

    I don't know, do you absolutely have zero friends? (sorry don't mean to kick you when you're down, but surely you must at least have some acquaintance type people who you like?) Just talk to people whenever there's an opportunity, and be friendly/polite to everyone. It will build from there
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    I really feel for you, i know what it is like to feel lonely, I'm not really a social butterfly myself, having one best friend and not really much else (however i have a long term boyfriend, and we have a lot of 'his' friends), which sometimes does get me down when I see other girls I know going out on big girly nights. I think i shoot myself in the foot a lot though as I tell myself i'm not good at talking to people - one of the main reasons for this is that I absolutely HATE smalltalk and if people are asking me boring chatty questions my mind will just be whirring over thinking 'this is the most boring conversation ever!' - so I don't make the effort to chat to people, however, when people make the effort to chat to me I am always pleasantly suprised with how conversations go! I'm not really the best person to offer you any advice - for the above reasons, but I think it would be worth having a heart to heart with your flatmates, maybe one night when they get back from being out, tell them how you are feeling and ask if you could go out with them the next time - I've found it easier to meet new people when I am out with a big group as you just get chatting to people randomly! Please don't feel too upset though, recently I've just tried to make more effort myself, I accepted invites to pamper parties etc to make myself interact with more girls, and which will in the long term hopefully open up opportunities for friendships!
    I'm so tempted to give you my e-mail as we don't sound too dissimilar and I feel really down for you! Which uni are you at? x
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    ^I'm a girl.
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    (Original post by Respect4Acting)
    I'm sorry, but if you're in university and you have 0 friends - there's something wrong with you
    If there is anyone here that there is something wrong with, it's you.
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    Because this is a trend in your behaviour, I'd say it would really help to get some kind of consistent and effective help, rather then trying to remedy the problem with brief pieces of advice from TSR.

    From personal experience, yes I've struggled socially. At times I am very, very much the social butterfly, with plenty of friends. I'm loud, bubbly, and people take to me very well. However, in primary school, and for 2 years in highschool, I was an utter loner, and I just didn't know how to help myself. I'd cry to my sister asking her "how to make friends" (and she'd just ignore me...). I still get socially stunned sometimes, in paticular types of situations (like camps, for instance, where nobody knows nobody), which leads me to believe that this shyness (if you could call it that), is just an element of my character that I sometimes have to battle with. But overall, since I'd say primary school (when it was at it's complete worst) I think I've come along way, and I'm proud of that.

    So, yes OP. Although I'd say that perhaps you'll never develop that complete social ease that some people have - this almost innate ability to get on with anyone in any circumstance - I can't imagine that there's any reason for you to exist a life without any friends. I think you've just got to find help (professianl maybe), and it can be fixed.

    Maybe go to your GP, or a university counsellor (if those exist?...I've only just finished college), and ask for some direction on how to solve this. I think social skills classes actually exist too?...
    • #2
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    It's hard, I know. I spent three years at uni and made no good friends. Not even friends who I could normal things with like when I was at school (this was compounded by the fact that my family - and I - moved house whilst I was at boarding school and thus lost all the normal childhood links and friends I had where I used to live ). I have one good friend who is actually in a different city, but we talk and see each other often.

    I took part in loads of things. I did sport, every year I took part in a play, I spent some time in the OTC... to no avail. Even during my masters I found it hard to get on with my coursemates, and made no friends. I'm not a big drinker, and I'm incredibly introverted, but over the past two years at least that introversion's been crippling me with loneliness. What's ironic is that I'm a good socialiser; I've been told I'm charismatic, I've had girlfriends, I've had people interested romantically... but all I truly wanted were friends who I could care about and who'd care about me. Fortunately, I got to know one of my acting acquaintances really well and we've become pretty good friends. It's all I could ask for, and it's given me even greater self-confidence to get to know more people.

    The best advice is honest advice: as I've figured out, the root problem for those without friends is an underlying lack of confidence and ability to sustain relationships. You need to figure out what you dislike about yourself, and fix it - regardless of how long it takes. If you're too fat (a major issue in my case) then lose weight (difficult, takes time, I know). It'll give you greater self-esteem. Self-esteem is critical to how others view you. It's a cliche, but confidence attracts.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    In September I'll be starting my second year of uni. Can anyone give me advice on how to make friends please I've been lonely my whole life and i feel like I'm becoming insane. I thought Uni would be revolutionary, that like many people, I'd be able to change and be more sociable. But it never happened, despite me joining a few clubs and trying to be active.

    I didn't get on well with my flatmates; they just didnt seem to like me and cast me aside after freshers week, ignoring me and not asking me to go with them on nights out. I made a few acquaintances on my course, but it's such a big course that I don't often see them at lectures and they never really became friends...they remained, ultimately, acquaintances. At clubs, I tried to go to meetings regularly, but again, didnt manage to make friends- the people i met became people I only saw at meetings and a few lonely socials.

    Can anyone give me advice...perhaps someone who's been lonely and was able to change later in life.. I'm seriously starting to think that I'm gonna be like that for the rest of my life- and it's a terrifying thought.
    I am also feeling incredibly lonely atm due to lack of friends so I know exactly how you feel.
    I'm just trying to talk randomly to people where ever I seem to be, which atm is mainly on a bus to or from work. I actually made a friend on the bus today who seemed interested in talking to me which was nice.
    In your particular situation, maybe you could ask to tag along with some people when they go out, as bad as it is, alcohol has always helped me socialise, so maybe if you got drunk with them it could go well. Or you could ask them if they wanna play drinking games in the kitchen or something. Ring of fire is a good one.
    x
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's hard, I know. I spent three years at uni and made no good friends. Not even friends who I could normal things with like when I was at school (this was compounded by the fact that my family - and I - moved house whilst I was at boarding school and thus lost all the normal childhood links and friends I had where I used to live ). I have one good friend who is actually in a different city, but we talk and see each other often.

    I took part in loads of things. I did sport, every year I took part in a play, I spent some time in the OTC... to no avail. Even during my masters I found it hard to get on with my coursemates, and made no friends. I'm not a big drinker, and I'm incredibly introverted, but over the past two years at least that introversion's been crippling me with loneliness. What's ironic is that I'm a good socialiser; I've been told I'm charismatic, I've had girlfriends, I've had people interested romantically... but all I truly wanted were friends who I could care about and who'd care about me. Fortunately, I got to know one of my acting acquaintances really well and we've become pretty good friends. It's all I could ask for, and it's given me even greater self-confidence to get to know more people.

    The best advice is honest advice: as I've figured out, the root problem for those without friends is an underlying lack of confidence and ability to sustain relationships. You need to figure out what you dislike about yourself, and fix it - regardless of how long it takes. If you're too fat (a major issue in my case) then lose weight (difficult, takes time, I know). It'll give you greater self-esteem. Self-esteem is critical to how others view you. It's a cliche, but confidence attracts.
    Thats plausable but what about if the person is very self-confident (has no self esteem issues) and loves themselves, but still cant make friends
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    Go back to uni looking different?

    New hair cut, stylish clothes.. it could make you a whole lot more confident. Whatever you do, be enthusiastic and friendly.
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    How exactly did you not get on well with your flatmates?
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    desperation scares people away. just for the record.
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    Im guessing if you havent made friends in Uni, then you're probably very shy. Be friendly, crack jokes and make people like you.

    If nothing works, I'll be your friend :console:
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    Don't wait for people to ask you out - phone around a few people you'd like to make friends with and ask them if they'd like to go for a drink or something. This gives the illusion that you're confident and the leader of the gang, if you will. Sitting back and trying to be just another member of the group will get you nowhere. You have to actively start things.
 
 
 
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