English help for tommorow! Please!! watch
- Thread Starter
Last edited by P_united098; 25-11-2010 at 00:46.
- 14-07-2009 17:57
- 14-07-2009 18:06
After "..." you should have a space.
And after "NO GEORGE...DON'T DO IT" you should have punctuation before you close the speech marks.
This bit: "He was shot right on his thigh, his face was full of ghastly pain and his leg was covered with blood, like as if he had dipped his leg in red paint. On the other side of the room was Curley. His face was emotionless it showed no anger, just seemed like an innocent face. He lay on the bunk house floor, with a bullet through the back of his heart. "
You could maybe change some bits to make it read better. Maybe "He was shot right on his thigh, with his face contorted in pain, and his leg splattered with blood. Curley was on the other side of the room. His face was emotionless; it showed no anger, and his expression was one of childlike innocence. He lay on the bunk house floor, with a bullet through the back of his heart"
To be honest, I don't know if that's any better lol. Did the teacher not give you any guidance what to improve?
- 14-07-2009 18:07
“OH MY! Quick...we gotta’ get George to hospital,” said Slim taking authority over the situation.
I think Slim wouldn't shout, he's pretty much calm throughout the novel so I'm not sure about the 'oh my' in caps - seems there's too much towards the end.
(Original post by P_united098)
- 14-07-2009 18:21
Guys if possible could you help me to improve this to an A grade, it's currently at a B/C grade.
I will give the biggest hug and rep and kisses for anyone that helps me.
Seriously guys, it would mean a lot to me if you could help.
The coursework is to produce a sequel of 'Of Mice and Men'
So here it is;
Of Mice and Men – Chapter 7
The whole of Salinas was as tranquil as it had ever been, other than the presence of the usual rabbits and mice which were scampering from one end to another. The ranch was overshadowed by a mournful sunset with a forceful breeze in the atmosphere. The bunk house was noiseless apart from the sound of restless thoughts and the creaking of the old bunks. The room was dull and dark, since the shutters were down, but a dim lamp on the cards table was on, flickering on and off frequently. The men in the bunk house were looking as tired as ever, but this time with a faces of guilt.
“You can’t sit out here all night, George.”
“Go to sleep Candy I jus’ need some time on my own.” George bent his knees up and dropped his head into his knees whilst Candy made his way to the bunk house.
“Wait. I... I didn’t do the right thin’...did I? I shudda’ gave him one more chance...he was a nice fella, he...he jus’ need some looking after.”
“You did the right thin’ George, Curley would have killed him if you never, besides he jus’ made your life harder than it already was.”
“No Candy, he may have been a little stupid but yet, he gave me hopes, dreams and friendship.” George’s eyes were like a waterfall which eventually broke out into a sorrowful cry.
“George, me an’ you can still get the place... can’t we?”
“I don’t know Candy...I jus’ don’t know.” Candy slowly walked back towards the bunk house. He gave one final look at George before entering. Soon after, George helplessly lifted himself off the ground and followed Candy into the bunk house.
It was about 10 o’clock in the morning, and the sun was out shining high up in the sky, disappearing into the slopes of the Galiban Mountain, the birds were singing in the still green, aged trees. The bunk house was still hushed and motionless, until an infuriated looking Curley strode in. He instantly went over to George; the tension in the room increased at an instant.
“I know you had somethin’ to with my wife’s death,” Curley said thunderously.
“I don’t wanna’ argue Curley, I’m not in the mood, jus’ get outta’ my face.”
“You’re gonna’ regret this little man.” Curley exploded out of the room punching the door open on his way out.
“He’s jus’ looking for someone to blame, George,” said Slim.
“Yeah guess so.”
A few minutes later Curley, again, slammed the door open. The voices of the men in the bunk house seemed to grow quieter, as they stared at Curley in disgust.
“What are you doin’ Curley? Why you bring that in here?” Slim said in dismay.
“Stand up George, it’s time for you and your stupid frien’, Lennie, to pay,” Curley said, ignoring Slim. George surprisingly obeyed Curley, and stood up without any altercation. Curley pointed his rifle at George’s leg. Candy, on the other side of the room, secretly picked up Carlson’s Luger from underneath his pillow whilst everyone was still looking at Curley.
“Think about what you’re doin Curley!” shouted Carlson in disarray.
“I know what I’m doin’ boy, sit down Carlson.”
Two gun shots were fired, one shortly after the other. Everything seemed to freeze for a moment, as if someone had stopped time. For that moment, only the sound of the fired bullets falling on the ground was heard.
George lay on the floor, screaming. He was shot right on his thigh, his face was full of ghastly pain and his leg was covered with blood, like as if he had dipped his leg in red paint. On the other side of the room was Curley. His face was emotionless it showed no anger, just seemed like an innocent face. He lay on the bunk house floor, with a bullet through the back of his heart.
“OH MY! Quick... we gotta’ get George to hospital,” said Slim taking authority over the situation.
“NO SLIM! Let me die, I have nothing’ left in this world, jus’ shoot me again...please.”
“George, I shot Curley for us, if you die...we would never be able to get that place.” Candy said quickly in desperation.
“Candy, I can’t live like this, I will be suffering for the rest of my life... just shoot me, or give me the gun... please.”
Slim snatched the Luger out of Candy’s hand.
“You ready George?”
“NO GEORGE... DON’T DO IT!” Candy moved to the other side of the room and on his bunk, he lay down, just as he did when his dog was shot.
George nodded at Slim. George closed his eyes really tight, Slim took in a big gulp of nothing but air just before slowly placing the gun to George’s forehead. Slim was looking in an opposite direction, and he little by little pulled the trigger back.
George’s heart had finally stopped beating as he lay stationary on the floor. The bunk house was now quieter than ever, only the sound of Candy’s weep could be heard.
“What we gonna’ tell the boss now Slim?”
“We tell him the truth Carlson... but don’t mention Candy’s involvement.”
In that quote, I've fixed some grammar mistakes. I was going to highlight the grammar changes in Bold, but it would have taken too long.
You might to want to reword the bit about the bullets being the only sound. It could sound more dramatic.
(Original post by P_united098)
- 14-07-2009 18:49
Your a legend mate, and I'll try to make it more dramatic.
Anything else that needs to be added/edited?
I really appreciate your help.
I gave you rep, and I'll give you more tomorrow...:d
- 14-07-2009 19:20
I don't get this. GCSEs are over no?