Cool story, bro
Turn on thread page Beta
I prove muscles are better than skinny-fully loaded with stories watch
- 16-07-2009 15:46
- 16-07-2009 15:50
I read them all, i'm still lolling.
- 16-07-2009 15:52
I read your stories OP. Here's one of mine.
So I was at this party, chatting with a group of 5 or 6 people. There was a real cutie there, absolutely stunning she was. We had a good rapport going on and there was witty banter all round. About 10 mins later, this big bloke walks up. He's wearing those stupid avaitors, indoors as well. What a tool. He goes up to the cute girl, pulls hit aviators down just enough to peer over the top of them and says:
"Hey baby, what the **** you doing with this scrawny lad? How's about you and me get out of here..." as he whipped out his keys to his mother's BMW "...and you can check out what a real man is." Winking as he finished the lines he'd rehearsed in the mirror the night before.
"Oh, and what do you have in mind?" She replied, sweetly.
"I was thinking you could suck my junk whilst I ate 18 pounds of steak, then I could **** you until I came, then kick you out where you belong."
At this point, I'd had enough. Knowing I couldn't go for a brawl with this brick wall, I decided to use my strengths...
"So, big man, I guess you're here to fulfill the roll of the misogynistic protagonist?" I said, with more than a little cheeky grin on my face.
Everybody around started laughing. Nobody cared for this fool, he was obviously a jock trying to get some. He span round on the offensive.
"Wha...?" he stammered, as his aviators went slightly skewed "What...does that mean?"
As the laughter continued he became ashen faced. He knew he'd lost.
"Somebody call an ambulance" cried the cute girl, "that man needs the burn ward!"
The cacophony of laughter increased. He wondered off outside to mummies BWM, where she was waiting for him in the driver's seat.
- 16-07-2009 15:53
im wondering where u got these stories from rofl :P
(Original post by mikeyd85)
- 16-07-2009 15:56
- Thread Starter
- 16-07-2009 15:56
I go shopping
As some of you may recall, I received an Abercrombie and Fitch gift card
from my girlfriend for Christmas. She should have known that someone
as swole as me cant fit into clothes designed for 125 lb. Metros who
wear flip flops in february, but what can I say.
I walk into my local mall, lats flared and aviators on. I head into A&F,
remove my glasses and look around. I was a bit shocked by the awful
techno blasting in my ears, and even moreso when I looked around. Two
male employees in purple and yellow sweaters were dancing to the music.
“F**k, this store really is for queers,” I thought to myself. I headed
over to the beaters, picked up a few and told a young girl wearing an
“Oscar’s Surf Shop” t-shirt to let me into the dressing room.
Me: “Sweetheart, let me ask you a question. If this guy was to wear
an A&F tshirt out in public, what would your reaction be?
<I took out a pic of Chris95>
A&F girl: Wow, I’d laugh at his fat stomach. Why is he lifting up
his shirt in that pic? He doesn’t have anything that even resembles abs.
<I smile and head into the dressing room>
A&F girl: Wow, you have huge arms.
Me: <sneering at her> Damn right I have big arms.
A&F girl: Umm, if you need any help in here, anything at all, just
let me know, k?
<I try on the beater, and its absolutely skin tight and too short.
And its an XL too. I guess A&F wants to make its buck and a quarter
pound employees feel swole. In fact,the XL beater was so small I
couldn’t get it off. I called A&F girl into the room with me.>
Me: <grinning> I can’t get this beater off, its too tight? Care
<She took off my shirt and started gasping>
A&F girl: Oh my GOD! Your body! Your chest, your abs, its PERFECT!
Me: <****-eating grin on my face> You don’t see many bodies like
these in this store I bet.
A&F girl rips off my pants and starts to blow me in the dressing
room stall. Ten minutes later I blew my load all over her Oscar’s
tshirt. At that moment, I realized what Abercrombie and Fitch
was all about. It’s not just about polka dot flip flops and 12
inch biceps in
pink tshirts that say “Steve’s Clam Shack”. No. It’s about
stealing your parents ’46 Model T and running around on the beach
in your white A&F
boxer briefs, then running into the woods to have a circle jerk
with the rugby team. Yes, I had experienced a true Abercrombie moment.
As I walked out, I threw my $50 gift card in the direction of the
two queers who were dancing to the techno. “$50 gift card here!
of all the ripped jeans you can buy with that!” I yelled at them,
then watched as the two boys, weighing combined less than I do
in the off
season, pulled each others hair and slapped each other for
rights to their gift card. I laughed, threw my aviators on, flared my
left the mall. I had other business to attend to.
- 16-07-2009 15:58
LOLOL read them all. they are awesome! 'get's his fat calipers out of his bag'
- Thread Starter
- 16-07-2009 16:19
Stories from when i was younger
Just another saturday for me son, counting the takings from my security company then spending a couple o hours jacking this frame the **** up.
Driving back from the gym, got my 18 hanging out the side, letting people know who the **** is crusing past in the Porsche when i get a call from Little T. Tells me to come by the park, crews there, couples of 10s, beer n sh1t is flowing, only thing missin is my strong assed self.Get there, only problem is aint no spaces in the car park so i smash some b1tches cheap ass civic window with a brick, take off the brake n rolled that sh1t outta the space into the street. Couple pussies saw me but didnt dare say sh1t, especially since im rockin a sleeveless shirt,
Meet uop with the crew in the park. Grab myself some beer outta the cooler and put some ice on my biceps. straight away girls r all over me trying to touch me n sh1t, telling me im the biggest guy they've ever seen. Wanna see how strong i am so i lift one up n start pressing her over my head, aint even breaking a sweat, shes enjoying it, gigglin n sh1t. The other one starts asking how many pull ups i can do. im like "sh1t, i bust out 200 for fun". About now crews all jealous n sh1t seein them all over me. Little T starts talking sh1t about doing 500 pull-ups, reckons he do em all day, so i tell him to man the **** up and show us what hes got.,
I flex up n Little T grabs holda my arm, starts doing pull ups off of my bicep, girls are going wild seeing this kinda sh1t. T's repping em out, done about 120 by now and hes struggling like a pussy. Im like "sh1t son, that all you got", girls start laughing at his weak assed attempt as he slips and falls on the ground. Im about ready to wreck Little T upside the head for being such a b1tch when some football comes flyin in n hits one of the girls in the face. She starts crying n sh1t, her sniffling is annoying the **** outta me when some guy starts hollering from across the park, want their football back. Im thinking "hell no, somebodys about to get their sh1t mangled"
About now guy starts talking sh1t cause i still got his ball so i launch it like a polish missile 200 yards right into that b1tches face. Even from here i see blood n sh1t go flying. Caved his ****ing face in. His friends see him hit the ground n come running over. Staright away i smash one guy upside the head with a full beer can. He went down like a b1tch, probably brain damaged or sum sh1t cause he starts droolin n shaking. Crews going to work on the other guys, pussies aint putting up a fight, dont even have to try, knocking em out all over ther ****ing place. I pick one guy up and throw him 20ft into some bushes, heard some loud snap, musta broke his neck cause he didnt come out.
Mangled those pussys the **** up, left about a dozen guys on that field. Like some kinda warzone. Everyday sh1t to me though son.
- Thread Starter
- 16-07-2009 16:20
My dad had some business partners coming round so he told me to get the **** out for the night, gave me a couple hundred to get some jack n sh1t with the crew.
Phoned em up, told them to meet down by the lake, been a warm ass day so we were gonna chill the **** out with a couple girls from the local highschool. Cruise down to the school to pick em up, right away got a crowd of girls around my car, all wanna get on my strong assed self.I tell the ugly ones to get the hell off my car n this one girl starts yappin about making her friend cry so i think "**** this" and drive over her feet. That shut her the hell up.
Finally these slow ass girls turn up n we set off for the lake. I ask em if they ever been in a Porsche before and they are like "hell no, our boyfriends drive cheap ass mustangs" and im grinning n sh1t at the thought of those pussies wondering where the **** their girlfriends have got to for the night.
Turned up at the lake, break out the jack, downed a couple of bottles to get a goodbuzz going. I take my top off to get some sun on my swoled chest n abs and the girls come running over and ar e like "ohhh"""wow, i bet you could kick anyones ass" and im like "hell yeah, i mangled your pussy assed football team just last year, ruined a couple guys careers that night" and theyre like "oh yeah, we heard about that, one guy killed himself when he couldnt play football no more" right about then i spit my beer out, laughing n sh1t. Im like " thats some funny assed sh1t."
These girls are about ready to jump my ass when i hear some car pulling up, turn around and see a cop car, some skinny b1tch with a badge gets out and walks over. Straihght away hes inmy face, thinks he can talk sh1t cause hes got a gun, "wtf you doing with these minors" so i tell him to mind his ****ing business or hes gonna get mangled. Crew comes running over, right about now hes facing a good 2000lbs of muscle, so he starts to turn pussy telling me hes gonna call backup so im thinking "**** this" and took a swing at his face. Heard his face bone crakc, went down like a b1tch. Crews stomping on his radio, shut that sh1t up. I tell the girls to get me another beer while i handle business.
Robbed thaqt cop of his gun n clothes, cuffed his naked ass to a pole. Checked out his car, aint nothing to steal so we rolled it into the lake. Police aint never gonna find it, probably wash up in China or some sh1t.
Took the girls back to my place, gave em a treat gettin with my strong assed self. Damn christm,as came early for these girls. That pig musta woke up this morning thinking he still dreaming..
- 16-07-2009 16:22
- 16-07-2009 16:23
- 16-07-2009 16:25
- Thread Starter
- 16-07-2009 16:28
last 3 this one included, may use the term mr_angry, i havent really checked to change the name to hugh, obviously these stories are best told in first person.
Hugh Jackaman becomes the face of jacked supplements
So last saturday morning im in the gym, tearing up the 200lb dumbells and the gym manager comes over and starts giving me sh1t about snapping sum bars squating n sh1t. Hes like "those bars werent built to handle that kinda weight" so i tell him "your face wasnt built to handle my 18's" so he backs off like a pussy and goes back to his desk.
Im half way into my 5 hourr routine, musta had about half a ton over my head when some guy in a cheap assed suit comes over. His glasses damn near cracked seeing me shifting some serious pounds. Im like "what the **** u want son?" and hes all sorry n sh1t for bustin in on my session. He tells me hes from some huge ass company, they heard about me, how im serious sh1t in the muscle world, they had to send someone down to check on this polish revolution.
Hes all ike "we want you to back our new supplment" so i throw down the weights and tell him "go find a protein pussy, im natural jacked" but hes all grinin n sh1t telling me their new blend is 100% prtoeins free, meant for professional athletes like me. Tells me hes got a quarter mil in his briefcase and a first class ticket to the labs to do some testing n sh1t, see if im on board.
Flew out to the lab thst night, some kind nasa sh1t, they got pictures of me all over the walls, studying my jacked frame, wanna know how my muscles work. Hook me up to sum machines, testing my strength, scene like right outta Rocky 4 except i aint no fake ass actor, .Went off the scale on every damn test, got [email protected] in white coats running all over the place, alarms going off everywhere, musta blown the computers or sum sh1t, they aint built to calculate muscle this dense. One guys tries to xray my biceps, see how deep these diamond cuts go, problem is the pussy assed xrays cant pass through my fibras, turns out my body is like a piece of lead, theyaint never seen sh1t like this before,
ABout an hour later and they bring me some samples, got my face on the container, marketing knew my polska good looks will help shift a couple hundred million boxes of this sh1t. Comes in two flavors, vanilla and jack daniels. Im like "this sh1t work?" and the management starts laughing "hell, no, its just grounded up bones n sh1t, meant for pussys with weak ass genetics who cant grow muscles natural" Me n the directors hollering for a good 20 mins at the thought of those b1tches who buy this sh1t thinking they gonna get jacked. just a pay day to me though son.
Signed a couple hundred autographs for the directors n workers, got in a quick bicep workout then flew the **** home with another 2 mil.
- Thread Starter
- 16-07-2009 16:29
Also thanks for the reps guys, 4 reps and 1 neg from this topic, good return really, im used to mainly negs.
- Thread Starter
- 16-07-2009 16:38
another story like the originals, which are probably the best ones.
As many of you know, I joined a college gym due to the hot poon there. From my six years of higher education (four years of undergrad and two years getting my masters), I came to realize there is nothing quite like porking college broads.
On late Saturday afternoon, I strolled into the fitness complex wearing a fur coat with "DOCTOR SWOLE" embroidered on the back (My gym buddies nicknamed me Doctor Swole back in '03) over my shorts and wife beater, toothpick in my mouth. Taking off my aviators, I look over to the squat rack, and I don't like what I see. A frat boy. I already know he's not squatting.
"Curls" I said to myself, muscles flaring as I walk over to the rack. Frat boy is in mid set, groaning with each curl, 10 lb plates on each side. 65 lbs?!?!? You're curling 65 lbs in the squat rack? Joe Gold would be turning in his grave.
While frat boy is getting his 4th or 5th rep done, I take off the 10 lb plate, and walk over to the other side and do the same.
Frat boy: <pissed off> Hey man, what the f**k was that?
Me: This is the squat rack, *NSYNC. You wanna curl, get your chicken chest on one of those swiss balls and pick up the plastic dumbbells, Sally.
Frat boy: Who the f**k do you think you are? Are you even a student here?
Me: <taking off my fur coat and resting it on the leg press> Alright, Timberlake. You had your chance. I tried to be a nice guy and I'm going to tell you one more time. No curling in the squat rack. Now get out of here before we have a problem.
Frat boy: Man, f**k this.
<Frat boy leaves the area. I load up the plates with 5 45 lb plates each side and rep it for 15. (I decided to take it easy, didnt get enough sleep last night.) Some cardio bunnies come over and start to make small talk.)
Cardio bunny 1: We thought that was really brave how you stood up to that guy. He thinks he owns this gym and he always makes rude comments to us!
Me: <still wearing my aviators - I rarely take them off> Just doing my job ladies. I'd love to chat, but as you can see, my quads need to be punished.
Cardio bunny 2: <biting her lower lip> Well, if you feel like it when you are done come over to Harrison Hall. Room 418.
Me: <agitated> Look hunny, I'm a busy man. I'll see what I can do. Get away from me.
I finish up my workout, put my fur coat back on and head over to Harrison Hall, Room 418.
CB2: Glad you could come.
Me: <stripping down> Yeah well, I need to shower up.
CB2: <Staring at my body, mouth open> Can I come with you? Please? Meet us in the third shower from the left in 5 minutes.
Me: <grinning> Us? If you say so <CH2 runs away from her computer and into the hallway. I check her away message>
"OmG HoTTeST GuY eVeR on HaRRiSoN 4Th FLooR BeST aBs eVa aNd HuGe BiCePTs!!!!!1111"
I head down to the showers, wearing only a towel and my aviators. Girls I passed in the halls stared, but I just bicep flared by them. Opening the shower curtain, I found the three cardio bunnies already soaping themselves down.
CB3: You're late.
Me: Well Doctor Swole is here now girls.
<The three cardio bunnies proceed to soap me down, and kiss me all over. When all said and done, I blew my load all over one of their tits. I step out of the shower and walk back to room 418. I glanced at the clock. 6:45?!?! I had to meet a client at 8 for dinner, and would have to speed to my condo, get dressed, and drive straight to the restaurant to make it in time. I threw on my fur coat and grabbed my gym clothes in hand (no time to get dressed) and start jogging down to my car. About 20 Harrison Hall hotties followed.
Hottie4: Doctor Swole, where are you going?
Me: <running to my BMW in only my fur coat> Gotta go baby, the doctor is a busy man.
The Harrison crowd, about two dozen strong, continued to chase me to my car, screaming and crying. I felt like one of the Beatles. I climb into my BMW and peel away.
Hottie5: <crying> DOCTOR SWOLE DONT GO!!!
I decide to give the girls a thrill, and throw my gym clothes out my sunroof. They scream and come running to the pile. Two girls were having a tug of war with my beater, while I saw another on her knees, sniffing my sweaty boxer briefs.
I lit up a cigar. "Doctor Swole, you've done it again," I thought to myself, a small smile crossing my face as my car sped east on I-276
- Thread Starter
- 16-07-2009 21:52
I'm bumping this tripe, it deserves it. Deep down i know its grade A* funny shizzle.
- Thread Starter
- 17-07-2009 08:14
bump again, I'm going to get a few more cheap ''LOL's'' out of this even if it kills me!
- 17-07-2009 08:38
delicious copy pasta
- Thread Starter
(Original post by Reaver)
- 17-07-2009 10:46
delicious copy pasta
- Thread Starter
- 17-07-2009 10:52
Me hitting the clubs..... big time
After setting a new gym record on standing calf raises, I decided that a celebration was in order. I told Lex to round up the crew, because we were going hunting for cardio bunnies. Lex called up our other training partner, Mongo. Mongo is a 6'8" 305 lb. bodybuilding monster. To give you an idea, he takes in 5000 cals while cutting, and has an IV stuck into his arm with protein flowing in at all times to avoid going catabolic.
We headed out to the club, all dressed to the nines. Lex in sweatpants, a PROLAB tshirt, and of course his trusty crowbar. Mongo was wearing leather pants, a white beater, with his lifting belt around his waist. I decided to try some peacocking, and wore a pink beater, complimented by a pink top hat and pink Chuck Taylor shoes.
We ran into a little trouble at the door, when the bouncer told us we weren't properly dressed for the establishment. Mongo stepped up to the plate. Bumping into him, Mongo screamed "You sure about that?" The bouncer, terrified, changed his mind but asked for the $20 cover charge. "Cover charge? Just be lucky you're still alive, punk. We ain't paying a cover charge." Lex and I walked in, lats flaring, while Mongo entered the side door (too big to fit through the front door).
We scoped out the situation, and it looked pretty grim. A club packed with AFC's and a bunch of HB8's and HB9's. I shook my head. As you know, I only pork HB10's.
A few minutes later, a group of HB8.5's approached us.
HB8.5: Hi...ummm... we heard you guys were alpha males and we wanted to know if we could hang out with you tonight?
I fought off the urge to vomit (HB8.5's... gross!) and replied, "You know, you've got a lot of nerve coming over here. Don't you think I'm a little out of your league, cupcake? Now get out of here, you're threatening my alpha status."
I was getting impatient. "Mongo, find me a HB10 NOW!" I snarled at him. Mongo took out his binoculars and scanned the crowd.
Mongo: I see a HB10 cardio bunny at the bar, drinking a martini.
Me: Any bodybuilder activity in the area?
Mongo: I dont see any... just an ectomorph.
Me: I'm going in.
I lat flared it over to this broac, and first approached the ectomorph hitting on her. He was wearing a Jose's Surf Shop T-shirt "End of the road, AFC. Step aside and let me handle this cardio bunny."
AFC: Get lost.
Normally, I would have stomped him into the ground, but with Mongo in the club I felt it unneccessary.
Me: <grabbing the AFC by the throat> Look, you f**kin ecto, you better get the f**k out of here before we have a problem. See that guy over there, that's a 6'8" 300 lb. bodybuilder. If you don't leave this club now, and never come back, the cops are gonna have to call the boys down at Jose's Surf Shop to ID your body.
The AFC ran away screaming and I moved in on the cardio bunny. "Your lucky day, baby. You get to spend the evening with Doctor Swole. Wanna feel my pythons?"
Cardio Bunny: What do you think I am, some cheap slut just looking to get laid? I'm better than that.
Me: Oh I get it. You look at me and all you see is shredded quads, 18 inch pythons, and abs you could do laundry on. I'm more than a piece of meat here.
I turned around to leave.
Cardio Bunny: I'm sorry, did you say 18 inch pythons? My name's Isabelle.
Me: Doctor Swole.
CB: Oh, a doctor? What kind?
Me: A uhhh... gynocologist.
CB: Really? How did you get into that?
Me: Well, I guess you can say I just love pussy.
Lex approached me with a look of concern on his face. "Mongo's IV is out of whey. We need to get him some protein before he goes catabolic and gets into a rage."
Me: F**k. How long do we have?
Lex: 15, 20 minutes tops.
CB: Do you have to go? Well here's my phone number, why dont you call me sometime and we can go to a museum or something.
I looked at her phone number in disgust. "Look cupcake, I'm going on a gynocologist exposition in the Phillipines for the next year. Tonight may be our last night together. We should make the most of it."
CB: If you say so, Doctor Swole.
I took her out to my BMW and we started going at it. I hit it doggystyle and finished off by giving her a pearl necklace (the only jewelry I'll ever buy for a woman.)
I lit up a joint and closed my eyes. Lex and Mongo approached the BMW. "We gotta go now, Doc, Mongo's gonna get catabolic."
I told the cardio bunny to leave the car. "I had a great time, Doc. My gynocologist never treated me like that"
Lex and Mongo roared with laughter. "He's no gynocologist. This is Doctor Swole, one of the most notorious Alpha Males on the planet!"
Cardio bunny had a look of denial on her face. "Tell me thats not true! Are you even a real doctor?"
Me: <taking a puff of the joint> I'm no doctor... but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
Lex and Mongo roared with laughter. I stepped on the gas and accelerated away from the cardio bunny. She coughed when inhaling my exhaust fumes, and by the time she stopped I had turned the corner. I wondered if she had seen my ALPHA1 license plate, but it's inconsequential. I'll never see her again. My speedometer hit 95 as I raced to Mongo's for whey shakes all around.
Lex: Going a little fast Doc?
Me: <taking a drag from the joint> Those protein shakes ain't gonna mix themselves