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Advice from girls needed (about being mates with a loser)

Anonymous plz, I dont want ppl to know my situation.

I am a loser.

I try to get on with life, but I cannot really hide the fact I am a loser. I have no friends, hardly anyone of note likes me. I do not like to lie or hype myself up, because I don't see the point. I just like to let people know who I am and how bad my life is.

But even though I am a uni student, I find that at my dayjob it is the only place where I know people properly. I don't fit in at uni either (surprise) and just sit in lectures on my own until the day comes where I dont bother going to lectures again. So when I'm at work I can occasionally talk to people a little who actually give me a chance (usually managers or elder colleagues who dont judge people on 'loser' stuff).

I work on this department at work with a girl, who I guess is very popular and very good-looking (not that I'm ever going to be interested in sex or relationships), and because I see her more than other colleagues, I always say the odd thing to her most, even if it's just a passing comment.

Anyway I thought a while back that this girl was the closest thing to a friend that I had in my life, and I tried much harder with her to become friendlier and everything. I only wanted to be a workmate, someone to chat to at work. I was never creepy or anything like that, I always tried to say the right things, make conversation, be cool, show interest in her life etc (even if all that is hard for me as I don't have experience in talking like that). However, I have noticed that she now seems to be avoiding me for some reason, and it's hurting me a lot (partly because I get lonely with no-one else to talk to really).

I want some advice from girls mainly, do you think it's probable that a girl like that is avoiding me because she doesn't want to be associated with a loser?

What would your reaction be if a guy tried to be matey with you, yet you knew most other people at work absolutely disrespected him behind his back and was a figure of fun?

In a way I know what your answers will be. I am becoming very low. Very low indeed.

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Reply 1

Schroedinger's Pandora

I think you're paranoid as hell. I used to think just like that.. I'm guessing you came from a pretty dull background with less than supportive parents. Bullied at school? Always thinking what you do isn't good enough? Honey, you have terrible self asteem issues. Please see your councelling service at uni, they will be able to help you. (And feel free to PM me)

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

little_red_sox

Thanks for the offer.

I don't understand how I can make conversation about all the right things and the conversation still goes dead. She just doesn't seem to even want to try. She may think that she runs out of things to say to me, but then make a blooming effort to try something else! I guess I just need to move on. Trouble is, I have nowhere, or no-one, to move on to.

Reply 3

cam28

Just don't over think it. Just find something you both have in common and go with it. If you stop thinking that your a loser then you will be more confiedant. because you seem to think about yourself in a negative way.

Reply 4

poossum

I don't really know what you expect anyone to say, but just chill out. If it is really bothering you, confront her about it, what have you got to lose?

Reply 5

sigstuff

Maybe you're trying too hard and I really don't mean this in a hurtful way but maybe you seem a bit desperate? Like others have said, work on your confidence and just relax a bit more. Have you tried talking the same way to people at your uni to make friends?

Reply 6

jon838

just ask her if she wants to be friends.

Reply 7

Gibb~

jon838

just ask her if she wants to be friends.

build up on your appearence, it will give you more confidence mate.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

sigstuff

Well if I walk around the workplace with her it would look infinitely better than walking around on my own, would it not? So yeah there is an element of desperation, because without her there's nobody.

I think about myself in a negative way because that's the only way I'm allowed to think. If I went to work tomorrow and pretended I was the bee's knees do you honestly think anyone would fall for it? They've known me for years already, always as a loser. So there's just no point lying.

Reply 9

username244734

Anonymous

I try to get on with life, but I cannot really hide the fact I am a loser. I have no friends, hardly anyone of note likes me. I do not like to lie or hype myself up, because I don't see the point. I just like to let people know who I am and how bad my life is.

When you don't know many people and don't speak to people often, they don't want a depressing ARGH MY LIFE SUCKS story right from the off. Talk to people normally and then when you get to know them better, talk about your life and whatever issues you have (if you feel comfortable, obvs).

Why is your life "bad" ?
Because you consider yourself to be a "loner" ?

There's WAY more to life than social status dude :smile:

Reply 10

Chiko 1001

jon838

just ask her if she wants to be friends.

That would be about the weirdest thing you could say to a person.

You need to work on avoiding this evident habit of over analysing situations. Work on being able to just go with it and see what happens. I understand how lonliness can affect your ability to do so (no really, I do) but until you can learn to take a step back and try to just be casual you'll keep torturing yourself.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Gibb~

build up on your appearence, it will give you more confidence mate.

Yeah, lots of people advise me to do such a thing, but I don't know, if I suddenly came into work with a different hairstyle, people would wonder why I am doing it. In my experience, people only do stuff like that for attention - and I won't get an attention from anyone because I get avoided. So that would be an epic fail, and people would know it's an epic fail. I think in my case it is better not to try stuff like that.

I would love a good body such as larger arms and a toned upper body, but I'm not confident enough to go to a gym. I cannot compete with other men, and my body is weak and fragile, it would simply take too long for me bulk up to the required standard, so that's not worth doing either.

Reply 12

Gibb~

Anonymous

This completely shows your paranioa, If I was your work mate I would care about that for one, You are making an effort which is great. Get some new clothes as it great to be stylish and it's not realy making much of an effort as you need clothes. Go to the gym to build some muscle and maybe mix with a few people there.

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

CityOfMyHeart

My life is bad, it just is. I know people 5lag me off behind my back and this influences other people. I don't have the confidence to talk to confident people as they will just rip me to shreds. And obviously they won't talk to me either because they know I'm a loser. So I have to avoid eye contact with over 50% of my workplace for that reason alone.

I would love to just approach people, lie, and tell them how great I am and all the great things I am doing this weekend, but you know, everybody KNOWS I am lying. I cannot get away with that kind of lie.

In fact, if somebody knew/thought I had friends, my friends would automatically get picked on because they would be seen as an easy target (i.e. they must be as bad as me if they want to know me).

My 'friend' on my department at work obviously realises that all her mates hate me, and as such she hates me too. She must realise that it will only do her image harm to be seen around with me, hence she avoids me.

What else can I do though? I always try to make conversation, but unless I make that first move, she won't even say hello to me, let alone start a convo with me. So it's all a bit pointless.

Reply 14

sil3nt_cha0s

little_red_sox

Great supportive advice! :smile:

Reply 15

CTVicky

I think you have a very low self-esteem. I battle with it myself so I know how you're feeling, it's pretty rubbish.

Firstly, you are not a loser, and saying that to or about yourself will not help your situation. So stop it. Instead, say, "I'm in the process of bettering myself" which you are. You are at Uni! How many people can say that?

As for this girl, you're wasting your headspace thinking about her. If she's not bothering with you, then that's her loss. You need to think about how you can make an effort more with other people. If people don't take the time to talk to me, then I just forget about them. I've got more important things to think about. If that girl is worth your time, she'll talk to you again at some point.

You really ought to work on your self-esteem. Maybe make some time to do something fun that increases your self worth and gets you meeting people? Join a society? Give up a couple of hours of your time volunteering for a worthy cause? Create something; write a short story or a poem, go to a pottery class. Use your creative skills.

You may feel like you don't fit in at University but have you really made an effort getting to know people there? Maybe you could try striking up a conversation with someone at your next lecture. You'll be surprised with the results.

You can PM me as well, it'd help me too 'cause I feel lonely sometimes :smile:

Reply 16

kultist

My advice is a course of prozac alongside a course of cognitive behavioural therapy, you glum little thing you. Get treated for that depression you have before it spoils your life.

Reply 17

Pawsies

Anonymous

I think this is a classic case of 'Argh but' syndrome. People offer people advice but it won't work because of this or that.

You need to change your image, stop thinking about what others will think about your change and just make the change.
By changing and becoming a different person you will most likely gain more friends and if anyone asks just say you wanted to try something new.
I think you have social issues and so I would recommend joining a club of your interest to meet people who are like you and might be able to relate.

The only person that can change this is you.

Reply 18

CTVicky

You don't need to drastically change yourself in order to make friends, only make changes in your life that YOU believe will affect you positively.

And some psychiatrists can't even correctly diagnose mental illness, let alone a stranger on a message board...and anti-depressants like prozac are rarely the answer.

Therapy on the other hand, might help you if what I have suggested doesn't work after you've given it a shot, but I think it will.

Reply 19

Anonymous #1

Thanks for all the advice.

I want to be friends with that girl, but she doesn't want to be friends with me - not that I've noticed - and you can say it's all paranoia blah blah blah but really I'mnot stupid, I detect little things here and there. Like how she never wants to work with me specifically, she will always avoid me when there's work to do...

I know that her avoidance towards me means that i can never be friends with her, and therefore with no-one at my workplace. I just dont know how to deal with this fact.

I don't think I want to continue playing mr nice guy (unless thats the only option) but if I just start ignoring her and creating an bad atmosphere I think it would kill me to do that (she would just work with someone else, so it's no loss to her, and will be to me).

I am so hurt right now, I'm going to struggle sleeping. I'm usually asleep by now.