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    I am feeling really low at the moment and unsure as to where i can turn. Okay I am just going to spill, there may be triggers here for people who have experienced sexual truma.

    Okay about six years ago I was raped by a stranger when I was walking, as a result I fell pregnant then miscarried the baby. I think about it everyday and i feel so completely disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen to me. I hate myself so much that there are times that I scratch myself just to feel better. I hate myself because after it happened I went completely off the rails I started drinking really heavily and smoking god knows what and sleeping with anyone that had a pulse (I was about 15 then). I never told a soul until I told my teacher, when i about 19 (I was in sixth form) who was really supportive, and he got me in to some counselling but I dropped out of that because my counsellor kept asking me questions about things that I really wasn't ready to talk about.

    I don't have a close parents with my parents a tall, there is a very long history of abuse and I am no longer living at home. I really don't know why I am writing, I guess I feel like I am going to crack up and I guess I need a little guidance on where to go from here, I think I need help but cant face going back to a counsellor. I guess that I want to truly be this smiling happy person that the rest of the world sees and not this crumbling wreck

    I have some close friends and a loving boyfriend who is aware that I have some issues around trust but i think he thinks they all stem from my parents and not other things

    Any help would be good
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    (Original post by biglollipop)
    I am feeling really low at the moment and unsure as to where i can turn. Okay I am just going to spill, there may be triggers here for people who have experienced sexual truma.

    Okay about six years ago I was raped by a stranger when I was walking, as a result I fell pregnant then miscarried the baby. I think about it everyday and i feel so completely disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen to me. I hate myself so much that there are times that I scratch myself just to feel better. I hate myself because after it happened I went completely off the rails I started drinking really heavily and smoking god knows what and sleeping with anyone that had a pulse (I was about 15 then). I never told a soul until I told my teacher, when i about 19 (I was in sixth form) who was really supportive, and he got me in to some counselling but I dropped out of that because my counsellor kept asking me questions about things that I really wasn't ready to talk about.

    I don't have a close parents with my parents a tall, there is a very long history of abuse and I am no longer living at home. I really don't know why I am writing, I guess I feel like I am going to crack up and I guess I need a little guidance on where to go from here, I think I need help but cant face going back to a counsellor. I guess that I want to truly be this smiling happy person that the rest of the world sees and not this crumbling wreck

    I have some close friends and a loving boyfriend who is aware that I have some issues around trust but i think he thinks they all stem from my parents and not other things

    Any help would be good
    Don't blame yourself for what happened, it wasn't your fault. Is there anyone you trust you can talk to? Feel free to pm me if you want to talk about it to someone anonymously.
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    You shouldn't blame yourself for what's happend , it wasn't your fault !. You can still be a bubbly/smiley person , you can't change what's happend in the past , so it's better to focus on the future , and make sure your future is as bright as it could be , don't let this ussue get you down.

    I hope all goes well !

    - Maximum Velcoty
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    (Original post by biglollipop)
    I am feeling really low at the moment and unsure as to where i can turn. Okay I am just going to spill, there may be triggers here for people who have experienced sexual truma.

    Okay about six years ago I was raped by a stranger when I was walking, as a result I fell pregnant then miscarried the baby. I think about it everyday and i feel so completely disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen to me. I hate myself so much that there are times that I scratch myself just to feel better. I hate myself because after it happened I went completely off the rails I started drinking really heavily and smoking god knows what and sleeping with anyone that had a pulse (I was about 15 then). I never told a soul until I told my teacher, when i about 19 (I was in sixth form) who was really supportive, and he got me in to some counselling but I dropped out of that because my counsellor kept asking me questions about things that I really wasn't ready to talk about.

    I don't have a close parents with my parents a tall, there is a very long history of abuse and I am no longer living at home. I really don't know why I am writing, I guess I feel like I am going to crack up and I guess I need a little guidance on where to go from here, I think I need help but cant face going back to a counsellor. I guess that I want to truly be this smiling happy person that the rest of the world sees and not this crumbling wreck

    I have some close friends and a loving boyfriend who is aware that I have some issues around trust but i think he thinks they all stem from my parents and not other things

    Any help would be good
    Oh god hun, I don't know what to say...
    But I mean it sounds really really lame, but things can only get better?

    What about friends? Is there anyone you can talk to?

    Just know that 1) it's not your fault 2) you shouldn't let whichever ****** did this to you ruin your life ahead of you 3) others are in your position and can probably help


    x
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    hi there. i guess i am in the same boat as you are as i too was raped. I am more or less at the recovery stage now but unlike you i dont have a bf...As regards to having issues with trusting intimate parners, i have thought about it many times now and yes it is very hard to trust someone in that way. If you ask my opinion, i'll tell what i have learnt from personal experience. (btw I feel slutty too. I told one of my frequented friends that i feel wasted and cheap like prostitutes do)..I have had a bf after my rape. Although he was nice, i found it absoutely impossible to trust him intimately. when it came to touches, even simple ones like holding your hand or arm felt almost unbearable after a minute or so...i guess u'r not alone. and my best advice is if ur bf dont understand your needs, in this case tht u have trouble with trusting him intimately and may be dont want sex etc then he's really nt in love with u. my ex although extremely nice and an absolute 'gentle' man didn't understand me...so our relationship ended. Its a very hard choice to make esp now that ure in such need of care and love, but if the person who u think is going to love u is not actually loving u then there's really no point in pursuing it.
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    If you're not up to going back to counselling yet, why not call or email the samaritans anonymously:

    email: [email protected]
    call:08457 90 90 90

    It must be awful to have been through so much without proper support from your parents. I really hope you can get all your feelings off your chest in one way or another. good luck
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    (Original post by biglollipop)
    I am feeling really low at the moment and unsure as to where i can turn. Okay I am just going to spill, there may be triggers here for people who have experienced sexual truma.

    Okay about six years ago I was raped by a stranger when I was walking, as a result I fell pregnant then miscarried the baby. I think about it everyday and i feel so completely disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen to me. I hate myself so much that there are times that I scratch myself just to feel better. I hate myself because after it happened I went completely off the rails I started drinking really heavily and smoking god knows what and sleeping with anyone that had a pulse (I was about 15 then). I never told a soul until I told my teacher, when i about 19 (I was in sixth form) who was really supportive, and he got me in to some counselling but I dropped out of that because my counsellor kept asking me questions about things that I really wasn't ready to talk about.

    I don't have a close parents with my parents a tall, there is a very long history of abuse and I am no longer living at home. I really don't know why I am writing, I guess I feel like I am going to crack up and I guess I need a little guidance on where to go from here, I think I need help but cant face going back to a counsellor. I guess that I want to truly be this smiling happy person that the rest of the world sees and not this crumbling wreck

    I have some close friends and a loving boyfriend who is aware that I have some issues around trust but i think he thinks they all stem from my parents and not other things

    Any help would be good
    :hugs:
    I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
    It's important that you speak to someone, whether you choose to speak to a counsellor or not, I do however think that is probably the best thing to do. If you don't feel like you can talk to someone face to face, at least call a support line such as the victim supportline: Call 0845 30 30 900 or contact RapeCrisis.
    If you have a loving boyfriend, you should try to open up to him and he will be there to support you. What happened is not your fault- you are the victim of a crime. You shouldn't feel disgusting. Your close friends along with your boyfriend and some professional help can help you get through this. It will get better.
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    I could write an absolute essay on this but I don't think it would do that much good.
    Basically, having been in therapy since 13 and experiencing awful counsellors and therapists, I used to be totally against the idea of bothering. However, since Uni and discovering the most lovely counsellor imaginable, it's made me realise that there are some fantastic ones out there. And mine has helped me beyond belief.
    If you find a good one, they won't push you to talk about what you're not ready to. It is fine to just go to a counsellor and talk about your feelings, not necessarily about why you feel them until you're 100% ready. A good counsellor won't push, they'll just support you as best they can. I really think that's the best way forward in a situation where it's really difficult to otherwise help yourself and find support from people you know.
    And don't blame yourself for what happened - I know that sounds like an obvious point and everyone's saying it but it has never been and will never be your fault.
    Feel free to PM if you need anything. x
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    Going back to counselling may be a good move for you. I went, and at first I couldn't really talk about what was going on deep down, but after a while I felt more comfortable and decided to say what I needed to say. It may be hard, but I'm almost certain it'll improve how you feel in the long run. Good luck with everything.
 
 
 
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