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    I'm not really sure. I know that if me and my boyfriend broke up, I'd like to stay in touch with his family and he with mine. I can see why you'd be uncomfortable with it because it's slightly awkward, and you've got issues with his ex too which doesn't make things any easier. But tbh you have to deal with things you feel slightly uncomfortable with, and if you want to stay together long-term then you have to trust him: msn conversations, meeting with old friends etc.

    The fact of the matter is that he asked you, which means he doesn't want you to get hurt. But without being harsh, I'd say you were being slightly paranoid (though I am myself often, it's not an insult of any kind). You need to look at it rationally.
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    (Original post by tabsybelle)
    Maybe he left it this long because he was afraid of the awkwardness and now she's ill he wants to re-establish the contact despite the uber amounts of awkward that it might entail? On a different tack, is said ex likely to be home?
    She's not just got it though, she's always had the problems with her back. So if he didn't visit her before, why now? I don't know if she'll be in, it doesn't even bother me if she is. He said he'd text her asking her to be out but I don't want that, it makes me seem jealous and worried that he wants her. I'm not (maybe a little :tongue:)

    (Original post by Couldxbe)
    ...
    I know what you're saying but if you broke up wouldn't you keep in contact from the outset, rather than leave it over a year? I do trust him not to cheat or whatever, I just don't understand why he'd want to put himself in this kind of situation. Paranoid about what? (That sounds like I'm being defensive, it's not that. I just want to know how it's come across).

    I should probably mention that he hasn't asked again, if he kept asking I'd find it harder to come up with reasons to say no. And I'm sorry to keep asking what is essentially the same questions.
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    I don't know; if I were him, I would've left off contact for a bit, and then decided to get back in touch.

    And I think the best thing to do in your case is just to let him go, and see what he says afterwards. I mean, from what you've said, it's clear that you don't want him to go, and say that you're not comfortable with him going, but ultimately it's his choice.
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    I can see why you might not like the idea. But as someone who also got on very well with my ex's family I understand his point of view. We were long distance for the last 6 months of our relationship and I've really missed them all, I'm going to uni just outside their town in sept and I plan to visit them every month or so if they're happy with that! I guess the only difference is I'm not over him and so if I went and something happened I'd want that but obviously he has you and so it won't.
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    (Original post by New...Romantic)

    I know what you're saying but if you broke up wouldn't you keep in contact from the outset, rather than leave it over a year?
    I wouldn't. Personally after breaking up with someone I'd stay away for a little while before being ready to go back and visit, no matter how amicable the break up was.

    I'd be fine with my boyfriend going to visit; if anything I'd feel worse feeling that I'd stopped him from doing something he wanted, those feelings would far outweigh any initial reservations that I may have had at the start.
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    (Original post by tea_cakes)
    I wouldn't. Personally after breaking up with someone I'd stay away for a little while before being ready to go back and visit, no matter how amicable the break up was.

    I'd be fine with my boyfriend going to visit; if anything I'd feel worse feeling that I'd stopped him from doing something he wanted, those feelings would far outweigh any initial reservations that I may have had at the start.
    Fair enough.

    I don't want to stop him doing anything, I've told him that. But he can tell I'm not happy with it even though I told him it's up to him, so no matter what I say he won't go now. I don't know why or how much he wants to do it and it's quite hard to have those conversations over the phone sometimes (you'll probably know that) because it's hard to tell what the other's thinking or feeling without seeing their face. I'm going down to his on Saturday night before we fly to see his parents so I'll hopefully have a chance to speak to him properly.
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    (Original post by New...Romantic)
    Fair enough.

    I don't want to stop him doing anything, I've told him that. But he can tell I'm not happy with it even though I told him it's up to him, so no matter what I say he won't go now. I don't know why or how much he wants to do it and it's quite hard to have those conversations over the phone sometimes (you'll probably know that) because it's hard to tell what the other's thinking or feeling without seeing their face. I'm going down to his on Saturday night before we fly to see his parents so I'll hopefully have a chance to speak to him properly.
    Perhaps. My response was probably more to do with my own situation; I'm terrified of holding my boyfriend back from something he wants to do because of something I said before I'd had a chance to think about it. I've come to the conclusion that these things happen relationships, I'm never going to be 100 million percent happy with every single thing that he wants to do in his life because sometimes it won't suit what I had in mind. But it's about compromise and thinking about what's best to do for that situation and also what's best in the long run.

    Basically, if he doesn't go then it has to be his own decision. Not just because he knows you're not particularly happy with it. Who knows, his ex's mum might really really appreciate the visit and for me that would be worth it, knowing that he'd made someone happy for an afternoon.
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    What's really weird is when your partner's ex decides to visit your partner's family while you're there. Talk about feeling awkward.
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    (Original post by tea_cakes)
    Perhaps. My response was probably more to do with my own situation; I'm terrified of holding my boyfriend back from something he wants to do because of something I said before I'd had a chance to think about it. I've come to the conclusion that these things happen relationships, I'm never going to be 100 million percent happy with every single thing that he wants to do in his life because sometimes it won't suit what I had in mind. But it's about compromise and thinking about what's best to do for that situation and also what's best in the long run.

    Basically, if he doesn't go then it has to be his own decision. Not just because he knows you're not particularly happy with it. Who knows, his ex's mum might really really appreciate the visit and for me that would be worth it, knowing that he'd made someone happy for an afternoon.
    Hmm, I didn't even have to say anything though. He knows how I feel about her, the silence he got when he asked was enough for him to guess my answer. I agree with what you say about not holding him back but that's a bit different... I wouldn't stop him, I don't know, going travelling or getting a new job or switching unis, something genuinely important.

    I don't think it can be his own decision though, anything like this will always be our decision. That's something he's already said. I typed a big paragraph there about compromise but it's not really relevant, it's more a personal thing.

    I just made this to find out if I was being unreasonable saying 'no' flat out, and I think I was. Nothing else to do but talk about it I suppose. Thanks for everything you've all said
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    (Original post by New...Romantic)
    I know what you're saying but if you broke up wouldn't you keep in contact from the outset, rather than leave it over a year? I do trust him not to cheat or whatever, I just don't understand why he'd want to put himself in this kind of situation. Paranoid about what? (That sounds like I'm being defensive, it's not that. I just want to know how it's come across).

    I should probably mention that he hasn't asked again, if he kept asking I'd find it harder to come up with reasons to say no. And I'm sorry to keep asking what is essentially the same questions.
    It seems as though you're paranoid because I don't understand what other emotion could make you uncomfortable about his visit. Yes, it's awkward for you because it is to do with his ex, but I'd imagine you'd feel that mostly after his visit when he talks about it. Also, you're not happy with his MSN conversations, which again infers paranoia.

    And no, if I'd broken up with my boyfriend I'd leave a 'cooling off' period before I got into contact with his family. I'd make sure that I was on friendly terms with him before anything.

    I don't mean to sound harsh, because honestly, I would be a little uncomfortable. But that's because I get paranoid, which is why I thought you were.
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    thats weird.
 
 
 
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