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Should I tell new friends about my background? watch

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    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Anon or delete, please.

    I've experienced some tough things through life. I had to move out when I was 15 cos my dad kept beating me up, those sorts of things. The list is long.

    I'm a girl, and I'm very social. This might sound like bragging, but I actually have a lot of friends. A very few of them knows things about my background, most of them knows only things that has happened to me the last few years, and nothing from my upbringing or anything like that at all.

    The thing I struggle the most with, is my panic disorder. Because of what my dad, my brother, my first bf, some random guy in the street one winter night last year and one of my best friends, - did to me, I have developed anxiety for guys. Not _every_ guy. I work in a shop, and I've never been afraid or nervous of any of the male customers, not any strangers at all, I flirt, I get with guys, and have loads of male friends. But it's the close friends! The friends I should be able to trust, the guys that really cares about me.. I'm dead scared of them! I know in my heart that they won't, but I keep thinking that they will hurt me. Be violent, rape me, try to kill me, anything really. So, obviously I've had to tell some of them. And the reactions has been varied. And I haven't dared to tell them all.
    One of my best mates surprised me with a hug once, and I started hyperventilating and fainted. Had to sit down with him afterwards and try to explain. Which is hard, cos I hardly understand it myself. And I don't want people to feel sorry for me.

    So.. The question, and reason for me starting this thread comes to this;
    I'm moving now, moving from all of my friends, to a completely new place, to start at uni there. When I move to this new place, hopefully I will get new male friends, and should I tell them? Is this something that people tell? And when? And if, at all, how?
    I can't imagine telling many people, as a handfull knows by this point. And I can't imagine telling them before I know them very well. But here, I have people to call, mates to ask for advice and get comfort from whenever I'm down cos they know parts of my story. So, I've been thinking maybe it could be good to have somebody in the new place that knew?
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    This sounds really difficult for you.

    I would play it by ear and tell them when it feels right. Don't tell them right off the bat before you know you can trust them not to react badly. But you're right, it's helpful having those closest to you know about things like this because it will help them interact with you in a way that makes you comfortable.

    But I have to ask... are you seeking any counselling for this? This sounds really trying for you, and I would hope you're working with someone competent so that you can one day get through your panic and trust men. You deserve to find love and happiness, and yes, partake in physical activity that you enjoy... and with time you can get there. Please take care yourself of yourself and help yourself get better.
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    I swear you've posted this thread before...
    And as people said before...wait till you get to know them very well first, don't just go blagging it, they'll run for miles...
    If you really need someone to talk to then go see a councilor.
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    Tell them when it feels right . You will regret it and be worried if you tell them to early .
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon or delete, please.

    I've experienced some tough things through life. I had to move out when I was 15 cos my dad kept beating me up, those sorts of things. The list is long.

    I'm a girl, and I'm very social. This might sound like bragging, but I actually have a lot of friends. A very few of them knows things about my background, most of them knows only things that has happened to me the last few years, and nothing from my upbringing or anything like that at all.

    The thing I struggle the most with, is my panic disorder. Because of what my dad, my brother, my first bf, some random guy in the street one winter night last year and one of my best friends, - did to me, I have developed anxiety for guys. Not _every_ guy. I work in a shop, and I've never been afraid or nervous of any of the male customers, not any strangers at all, I flirt, I get with guys, and have loads of male friends. But it's the close friends! The friends I should be able to trust, the guys that really cares about me.. I'm dead scared of them! I know in my heart that they won't, but I keep thinking that they will hurt me. Be violent, rape me, try to kill me, anything really. So, obviously I've had to tell some of them. And the reactions has been varied. And I haven't dared to tell them all.
    One of my best mates surprised me with a hug once, and I started hyperventilating and fainted. Had to sit down with him afterwards and try to explain. Which is hard, cos I hardly understand it myself. And I don't want people to feel sorry for me.

    So.. The question, and reason for me starting this thread comes to this;
    I'm moving now, moving from all of my friends, to a completely new place, to start at uni there. When I move to this new place, hopefully I will get new male friends, and should I tell them? Is this something that people tell? And when? And if, at all, how?
    I can't imagine telling many people, as a handfull knows by this point. And I can't imagine telling them before I know them very well. But here, I have people to call, mates to ask for advice and get comfort from whenever I'm down cos they know parts of my story. So, I've been thinking maybe it could be good to have somebody in the new place that knew?
    I don't think it's unnatural for you to feel apprehensive when it comes to getting close to guys. A lot of our perceptions are based upon past experiences so it can be hard to trust people.

    With regards to new male friends, I'd only tell them if you feel comfortable telling them and if you think you can trust them.
    • #3
    #3

    hey,

    ive been through something like what u have as well. not with my father, but an unpleasant night, lets just say. like for u, its stayed with me since then and is something i dont think will ever fully go away. i recently got into a relationship with a really great guy who told me he loves me and eveyrything. we've been together 6 months now and i ended up telling him about that night one day. it was because sex came up and im still not okay with doing it after that night happened. i figured after i told him he'd either leave me or understand. he was as upset as i was and while it was not something he was obviously okay with, he said it wasnt a reason he wouldnt want to be with me for. he has been really understanding and sweet since. hes helped me deal with it to an extent, spent endless dayd just listening while i talked or cried, and we're so much stronger together now because of it.

    if u think someone deserves to know, tell them. if u feel they genuinely care about u, tell them. people can surprise u sometimes.
 
 
 
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