seductive flatmate complication

Okay, here's the situation:

I live with two male students and a female student, and two of them were dating each other. When they split up about 5 months ago I was there for the guy and generally counselled him through it, and wether because I was kind, or because I was the nearest girl, he fell for me. He told me about this 3 months ago but I was already casually dating his friend by that point, and had one or two other guys interested in me.

He got more and more flirty with me, but although I found him cute, I didnt reciprocate to a high enough degree that I would want to date him or fall in love with him, and I didnt want to use him just as a fling, especially as that would seem disloyal to his friend. I was very honest with him and turned him down nicely but truthfully.

Recently although I'd turned him down he became quite insistent and pushy and started kissing me whenever I least expected it. I'd break contact and tell him why we couldnt fool around, because it would go against my beliefs - I only like to kiss/sleep with guys that I would consider falling in love with in the future.

The trouble was, the more and more he pressed the issue, the more my defences weakened, and after a month of him trying to seduce me, we both got very drunk together. I have a very high libido and havent had much sexual activity in the last six months, so I was so tempted to just live for the moment and give in. he made his move, and I fell for it, and although I did tell him I would only go to his room if he didnt try and seduce me, he still did, and I must have encouraged him at least a little. I didnt say no, though I did express worries about wether we were doing something sensible.

We ended up sleeping together, with the agreement that it would be no strings attached. Afterwards he was quiet and distant, and I snuck off feeling guilty. We talked about it and he feels it was a big mistake, although he still fancies me. Things are awkward now, but Ive still got to live with him for another few months, and the more he seems to regret things the more I worry it was a lack of skill on my part that caused him to say it will never happen again, even though I know its sensible and wise that it dosent.

How can I convince myself that he's just being logical, without feeling hurt and rejected? I dont do this often, he's only the 4th man Ive ever slept with, and the others were all with people I fell in love with and was at least dating. I know being persauded by someone who is flattering and egoboosting isnt an excuse for doing the wrong thing.

I just feel so stupid for allowing this to happen even though I was drunk :frown:

Is there a positve way I can view this situation, has anyone else experienced something similar? I just feel sort of as if he got what he wanted and moved on, but Im also worried that he thinks Im angry with him about it, and thats why he's reassuring me it wont happen, he thinks he's putting my mind at rest? He's as keen to keep the situation under wraps as I am, but his unwillingness to talk about it makes me feel uneasy. Something happened, so I feel it merits discussion, whereas he seems keen to sweep it out of sight. Does he regret it because Im so terrible/ugly, because we're flatmates, or just because he thinks I dont like him that way and is ashamed of making me do something he didnt think I wanted to do?

Reply 1

bohogirlie

3

Things always seem like a better idea when you're drunk and i think thats an annoying fact of life. Last year i slept with my ex bf (after we'd broken up) and i didn't regret it at the time, and i don't think he did, but now the situation is completely different. It took me a long time to get over him, and he just didn't seem to care about anything and it seemed like he just 'forgot' everything that had happened overnight. I tried so many times to discuss everything with him, but it was basically like walking into a brick wall. If this guy doesn't wanna talk about what happened, i'd just forget about it cos you'll end up doing what i did and just worry about it all the time, until you have a massive argument between you two which really will ruin everything between you and make it much more unconfortable to live with him! I'd just accept what happened, happened and try and put it in the past.

Reply 2

wiwarin_mir

You did absolutely nothing wrong, I mean you told him no so many times before that he knew that you weren't going to do anything with him so he took advantage of the fact you were drunk and from the outset, he knew what he wanted and was going to get it. It sounds very much like he planned everything that happened that night and I don't think he would have said no for an answer, judging by the fact he didn't before, so you did the right thing accepting the situation otherwise he could have got forceful.

You are by no means terrible or ugly, he has just got what he wanted and now has realised that he has really hurt you because he made you do something you really didn't want to.

You are completely blameless in all of this, as you said, you were extremally drunk and before this you were very insistant that nothing could happen and was very pushy, so he knew you didn't want to do anything.

Reply 3

material breach

12

juueru_chou

They are flat mates, it is not unheard of to go to each others rooms but not have sex and she did tell him no so many times you would have thought he would have realised she didn't want anything, but he used the fact she was drunk to get what he wanted.

If notice I deleted my post almost exactly after i posted it indicating a withdrawn view I did not believe.

Reply 4

Barny

17

juueru_chou

You did absolutely nothing wrong, I mean you told him no so many times before that he knew that you weren't going to do anything with him so he took advantage of the fact you were drunk and from the outset, he knew what he wanted and was going to get it. It sounds very much like he planned everything that happened that night and I don't think he would have said no for an answer, judging by the fact he didn't before, so you did the right thing accepting the situation otherwise he could have got forceful.

You are by no means terrible or ugly, he has just got what he wanted and now has realised that he has really hurt you because he made you do something you really didn't want to.

You are completely blameless in all of this, as you said, you were extremally drunk and before this you were very insistant that nothing could happen and was very pushy, so he knew you didn't want to do anything.

Err, I think you're pretty far off the mark to be honest.

Reply 5

grace

15

imasillynarb

Err, I think you're pretty far off the mark to be honest.

agreed. Unless he raped you, you are just as much to blame as he is.

Reply 6

queenselphie

OP

Thanks guys, you're right, he wont be dissecting it as much as me :smile:

I didnt like to think he was thinking so negatively of me

In answer to some of the earlier posts:

Im not under any impression that he forced himself upon me. I think he may have picked up upon the fact that my defences were lower when I was drunk, but he was drunk too so NEITHER of us were in our right minds, not like he had the advantage of clear thought over the "poor defenceless drunken girl". I wasnt saying anywhere that this was his fault, or that I feel like he touched me without permission. I blame no one, Im just worried about the after effects of what happened :smile:

I invited, encouraged, and possibly even used him, so Im not excusing what I did. He's had a crush on me for ages, so my saying that things were a random casual one off may even have hurt him, if he wanted a relationship.
I do feel like he never stopped trying to persaude me, but thats not against the law :p:

and its my fault if my will power is weak :smile:

Reply 7

twenty1

Hmmm sounds like your his 'bit on the side'... I wouldnt make a big deal out of it.

seductive flatmate complication

Related discussions

Articles for you