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Please urgently read this Watch

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    Okay, it's the first chapter of my story, tinnny I know, but PLLLLLLLEASE read it urgently, I'm off to bed v. soon!

    Spoiler:
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    ‘Mummy.’
    Silence.
    ‘Mummy!’ The voice carries through the corridor, echoing off of the walls now. ‘Mummy, where are you? Mummy? Mummy, please don’t hide from me!’
    The silence is heavier now. Tense.
    I can only sigh as the toddler crawls along the whitewashed floors, his hands and knees furiously slapping at the marble.
    ‘MUMMY!’
    Tears stain his soft, rosy skin – etching, marking their way into his soul. He bellows a pained cry for his mother now, screeching off of the echoing walls.
    ‘MUMMY!’
    And there, right there, all collapses all of a sudden. The cries, the smell, the feeling caught outside freezes into a bitter solid that slumps into a numb inexistence around him: his mother is all he sees. And there, right there at the foot of the corridor, a figure bleeds.
    His mother.
    ‘No.’
    It’s no longer a scream anymore. No longer a cry.
    Now, our little Adam accepts his fate – accepts reality. His mother is dead. Not only dead, he thinks to himself. No, murdered, her head a sickening mess of blood, bone and powdered flesh.
    I wince as his delicate head lifts and falls into a modest nod. I wince as he clambers himself upright, emotion coursing through his every fragment, his every nerve.
    I wince as Adam Warwick leaves: a man.


    Almost finished it and criticism would bemuch appreciated! :o:
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    Toddlers don't understand the concept of death.
    Ergo, your chapter is rubbish.
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    (Original post by smellslikemarmite)
    Toddlers don't understand the concept of death.
    Ergo, your chapter is rubbish.
    It's meant to be a fantasy. :o:
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    It's not awful, but the use of the word 'soul' totally puts me off.
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    (Original post by smellslikemarmite)
    Toddlers don't understand the concept of death.
    Ergo, your chapter is rubbish.
    Agree.
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    (Original post by Adam Warwick)
    It's meant to be a fantasy. :o:
    Yeah but it has to be believable ffs.
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    It's not terrible, but you seriously need some editing. It doesn't have me as intrigued as it should do, considering someone just got murdered.
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    (Original post by smellslikemarmite)
    Yeah but it has to be believable ffs.
    Are you telling me that everything you've ever read in a fantasy is believable? :hmmm:

    He's just meant to be a really gifted child and the whole novel centres around him, his interaction with a fantastical life as he grows.
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    (Original post by Toiletpaper8)
    Agree.
    Why?
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    damn, wrong post
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    Fail!
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    (Original post by Quail)
    It's not awful, but the use of the word 'soul' totally puts me off.
    Agreed. Also, too much description of everything can be a terrible thing.

    It reads as if you're trying too hard. Sorry mate.
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    (Original post by Adam Warwick)
    Are you telling me that everything you've ever read in a fantasy is believable? :hmmm:

    He's just meant to be a really gifted child and the whole novel centres around him, his interaction with a fantastical life as he grows.
    If this is the case, it needs to be established beforehand, either by insinuation or just clearly stated. Otherwise, it just seems like you don't know what you are writing.

    The writing itself is good, though a bit too heavy for my tastes.
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    (Original post by Adam Warwick)
    Are you telling me that everything you've ever read in a fantasy is believable? :hmmm:

    He's just meant to be a really gifted child and the whole novel centres around him, his interaction with a fantastical life as he grows.
    Even a gifted child will not be able to understand the concept of death at such a young age, or at least it will be totally unable to express their understanding in the way you have described.
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    (Original post by Adam Warwick)
    Why?
    "Now, our little Adam accepts his fate – accepts reality. His mother is dead. Not only dead, he thinks to himself. No, murdered, her head a sickening mess of blood, bone and powdered flesh."

    I mean... no. This is a toddler :rofl: :toofunny: :rofl:

    :rofl:
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    Urmm, its not believable, okay its a fantasy but still.. its not bad though, but if it was the 1st chapter of a book i wouldnt carry on reading tbh.

    Make it a little more believable, and better uses of your words, then give it a shot ^_^
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    (Original post by Adam Warwick)
    Are you telling me that everything you've ever read in a fantasy is believable? :hmmm:

    He's just meant to be a really gifted child and the whole novel centres around him, his interaction with a fantastical life as he grows.
    Talented, maybe, but he's crawling - if he can barely walk or talk i find it hard to take the character seriously in a non-sympathetic manner. It just seems like for his role he needs to be older.

    And it does have to be believable in a sense - if you have goblins, ok, dragons, alright, but if you've got humans they still have to be human.
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    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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    :sad:

    Thanks still, very hopeful in a way - but I still think it just seems quite believable to me, especially as you see his character progress bit by bit, since the first chapter is essentially just a flashback into 'his future'
 
 
 
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