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Please urgently read this Watch

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    'The bloody mass that tucks him in at night, the bloody mass that cooks for him, the bloody mass that gives him hugs and kisses. His mother had turned into the colour of his firetruck upstairs, perhaps she was playing make believe? But no, it was not play time. Sobbing,confused by the scenario he then proceeds to make muffins lollllllllll
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    Yes, but a fantastical gifted child? :hmmm:

    Can't you just stretch your imagination a bit instead of demanding solid reality in some sort of hissy fit?
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    :console:

    I know you've tried very hard, and no offence or anything but I'm literally laughing out loud :p:

    You could turn it into a very good comedy :p: Lots of bathos.
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    (Original post by Ronar)
    'The bloody mass that tucks him in at night, the bloody mass that cooks for him, the bloody mass that gives him hugs and kisses. His mother had turned into the colour of his firetruck upstairs, perhaps she was playing make believe? But no, it was not play time. Sobbing,confused by the scenario he then proceeds to make muffins lollllllllll
    Now THAT is what I'm talking about. Lots of bathos and bam, before you know it, you have something better than hamlet :p:
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    (Original post by Morten)
    If this is the case, it needs to be established beforehand, either by insinuation or just clearly stated. Otherwise, it just seems like you don't know what you are writing.

    The writing itself is good, though a bit too heavy for my tastes.
    it just seems quite believable to me, especially as you see his character progress bit by bit, since the first chapter is essentially just a flashback into 'his future'
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    (Original post by Toiletpaper8)
    :console:

    I know you've tried very hard, and no offence or anything but I'm literally laughing out loud :p:

    You could turn it into a very good comedy :p: Lots of bathos.
    :hmmm:

    That's it, I'm off to bed now
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    Maybe start a blog or something so that people can critique it? =)

    Or...if you're that way inclined, change some of the characters to fictional TV characters and post it on fanfic - you'll get loads of ''OMGZZ YES that's totally awesomes'' comments to soothe your ego. Worth a shot....
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    (Original post by Toiletpaper8)
    Now THAT is what I'm talking about. Lots of bathos and bam, before you know it, you have something better than hamlet :p:
    Shakespeare, move over :woo:
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    If you're looking for ACTUAL constructive criticism, wait until tomorrow, look back over it, rewrite it and then post in the appropriate forum (the gallery - it's a sub forum of 'chat'). Down here at this time you aren't going to get anything other than trolls.
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    How does the toddler leave a man? He's just been crying for his 'mummy' ffs.
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    not a very long chapter? i mean, ive seen longer sentences.

    to be honest a toddler wouldnt really understand the concept at all, let alone talk to itself, having logical trains of thought, i mean depending on the age, some wouldnt be able to speak, or even recognise the woman as its mother, just as the person it is closest to, its protector-lady, .... erm, if the child was older, like eight, and hiding under the bed, for example, i might be able to understand it, but the eldest i recognise a child prodigy is good old artemis fowl, and he's what, 13???

    keep working on it tho never give up!
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    (Original post by Singh_2)
    How does the toddler leave a man? He's just been crying for his 'mummy' ffs.
    And now you just made me laugh all over again! Cheers :rofl:
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    This is a joke, right?
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    Seems a little like you got a load of writing devices you're 'supposed' to use and threw them all in there. I definitely couldn't/wouldn't read the book if it used THAT much descriptive words all the way through it would just annoy me. And yeah, a toddler wouldn't understand the concept of murder or death really, fantasy or not. Good luck though.
 
 
 
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