Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I've just broken up with my boyfriend, who I was with for about a year and a half. My reason for breaking up with him, was that I found out he had been sending fairly dodgy messages to a girl we both knew. Apparently he never actually did anything with her, but it's possible they were planning on getting together in the future. He says that he wasn't interested in her personality.

    We live together at the moment, which means that I'm currently looking for somewhere to live by myself, although I have a feeling I'll have next to no money by the time I've finished paying for everything. He's stopped texting this girl, I know this for a fact (I must confess - I read his inbox one last time to make sure he had stopped), but still half-refuses to admit that he's done anything wrong. Also, I found a text he sent about our break-up saying "I could probably get her back if I choose to". That's probably what annoys me most, as I'm not sure whether it was bravado, or whether he feels that he really could get away with it because I'd jsut come running back.

    Anyway - my question is, what should I do? I don't want him to think that he's got away with this. He was in tears when I started packing up my stuff, but as I didn't leave straight away, he seems to have just got over it and is acting as nothing has happened.
    I also don't want to break up with him for the sake of "making a point".

    Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm not used to talking about personal things.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Oh yeah, and when I asked why he did it, he says that it was just for fun, and that he isn't interested in her personality, or having a relationshiop with her (I completely believe him on this, as she's fairly unstable). He says that he enjoyed the attention, and that he deliberately led her on so that she would stay interested in him.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    I only split with a girl if I want to, not that I HAVE TOO if she cheated on me. Just follow what you think and ignore others advice for this one situation. question is can you still trust him/her. If not then personally thier would be no future.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Gibb~)
    I only split with a girl if I want to, not that I HAVE TOO if she cheated on me. Just follow what you think and ignore others advice for this one situation. question is can you still trust him/her. If not then personally thier would be no future.
    this.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    It basically comes down to whether you can put what happened behind you. From what you say, it seems like you cant right now- you checking his email, your feelings about the text he sent, etc. If you dont think you can trust him anymore, or that you will keep this bitterness with you, it is best for you to break up with him. Ask yourself whether you can forgive him. If not, it wont work.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    i personally think breaking up with him was a good idea. He shouldnt treat you like that, doesnt matter if he wasnt interested or wanting a relationship. He should be dedicated to you.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Gibb~)
    I only split with a girl if I want to, not that I HAVE TOO if she cheated on me. Just follow what you think and ignore others advice for this one situation. question is can you still trust him/her. If not then personally thier would be no future.
    It's not so much that I feel I have to, but more that I'm worried he won't take me seriously anymore if I stay. It would be a sign of me being weak, or whatever. When I packed up all my stuff, he was clearly upset, but as soon as I decided to stay another night (sleeping on the sofa because I had nowhere else to go), he took it as a cue that everything was still okay, and now he's acting as though nothing has happened :/
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Gibb~)
    I only split with a girl if I want to, not that I HAVE TOO if she cheated on me. Just follow what you think and ignore others advice for this one situation. question is can you still trust him/her. If not then personally thier would be no future.
    exactly
    just follow your heart, dont listen to anyone else
    you may end up regretting it in the long run
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    It may have been possible for you to forgive the texting and stuff, but he sent a rather arrogant text which would have annoyed me. You're the only one who can make the decision though.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Hmm... a few people have said about whether I'd be able to trust him in the future, and to be honest I'm not sure I'd be able to trust him quite as much. Having said this, I used to be the most insanely trusting person ever (his friends all used to tell him, and occasionally me, that I used to give him way more freedom than any of their gfs gave them), so it might not be a bad thing if I were slightly more worried about/interested in what he was doing.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's not so much that I feel I have to, but more that I'm worried he won't take me seriously anymore if I stay. It would be a sign of me being weak, or whatever. When I packed up all my stuff, he was clearly upset, but as soon as I decided to stay another night (sleeping on the sofa because I had nowhere else to go), he took it as a cue that everything was still okay, and now he's acting as though nothing has happened :/

    To him it probably was (as he says) "a bit of fun". Flirting can boost the ego, and it can be comforting to know that there is a "back-up" should anything go wrong with your relationship.
    That said, he may realise that it wasn't worth it, as he may not have expected you to pack your bags and threaten to leave. This may be the wake-up call he needs. He is probably acting as if nothing happened, because to him the girl was not an important factor in his life and you seem to be "ok" with things as they are now.

    To show you are serious about leaving if this should ever happen again (or should continue) sit him down and have a chat with him. If you can't do that, write him a letter, explaining how hurt you were by his actions, how you didn't understand his actions, and what you will do if these actions happen again. He may not realise to what extent he has upset you and the trust you have in him.
    Once you have fully explained and spoken calmly together then see how things go. If he is still the same and still treats you badly, then break away from him. Even for a week if you don't want to totally finish (just move out to a friends) he will soon realise what he has lost.
    Hope this helps.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Howells)
    It may have been possible for you to forgive the texting and stuff, but he sent a rather arrogant text which would have annoyed me. You're the only one who can make the decision though.
    The arrogant text is what's still getting to me. It makes me feel as though he believes he can just manipulate me into staying with him, no matter how he behaves. I don't want him to think that he can get away with it, but then again I don't particulalrly want to leave him. How else do I make him see I'm serious, though?

    It may also be worth noting that he sent the "arrogant text" to the other girl he had been texting. He was basically saying that he wouldn't talk to her anymore, as we had broken up over it, and she was asking if we might get back in the future, and she hoped she hadn't ruined out relationship. That's when he said the "I could probably get her back if I choose to" thing.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I reckon tell him all this and give it another go. Put him on trial, so tp speak See if he changes and realises how much he should appreciate you.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Sun-hwa)
    To him it probably was (as he says) "a bit of fun". Flirting can boost the ego, and it can be comforting to know that there is a "back-up" should anything go wrong with your relationship.
    That said, he may realise that it wasn't worth it, as he may not have expected you to pack your bags and threaten to leave. This may be the wake-up call he needs. He is probably acting as if nothing happened, because to him the girl was not an important factor in his life and you seem to be "ok" with things as they are now.

    To show you are serious about leaving if this should ever happen again (or should continue) sit him down and have a chat with him. If you can't do that, write him a letter, explaining how hurt you were by his actions, how you didn't understand his actions, and what you will do if these actions happen again. He may not realise to what extent he has upset you and the trust you have in him.
    Once you have fully explained and spoken calmly together then see how things go. If he is still the same and still treats you badly, then break away from him. Even for a week if you don't want to totally finish (just move out to a friends) he will soon realise what he has lost.
    Hope this helps.
    That's actually amazing advice. Thanks

    I don't have any friends around here, but I was thinking about moving out to a new flat of my own, and letting him move in with with me if he made an effort to patch things up properly. (No matter what happens, we both have to leave our current flat within the next few weeks, because our house-share isn't working out). The thing is, moving out by myself might backfire, and leave me in a position where I can't pay my rent, or am left with absolutely no spare money to do anyhting fun.

    I did go and see him in his lunchbreak today, actually, and I talked to him about the situation. I said that he had to stop pretending nothing had happened, because things can't be like they were before this incident, which means he either has to change somthing, or I'll go. DOes that make sense?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Put my advice into practice when you are both together. You cannot stay with him just so you can pay rent and have spare money. Look around in newspapers for flat shares and cheap rentals.

    If you decide not to be together anymore, you could always still live together as just flat-mates, and draw up rules and monetary agreements. However, to me this is a silly idea, but it may work for you.
    Make it clear to him you are looking around for other places and other flatmates. This may give him a kick up the ass.

    If you do decide to stay with him due to the fact it is hard to move out, I can offer you no more advice. Stay with him because he makes you happy and feel loved and special.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    walk away and DO NOT LOOK BACK.
    you do not need a 3 paragraphed-length advice.
    walk the hell away and do whatever you can to stay away.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Sun-hwa)
    Put my advice into practice when you are both together. You cannot stay with him just so you can pay rent and have spare money. Look around in newspapers for flat shares and cheap rentals.

    If you decide not to be together anymore, you could always still live together as just flat-mates, and draw up rules and monetary agreements. However, to me this is a silly idea, but it may work for you.
    Make it clear to him you are looking around for other places and other flatmates. This may give him a kick up the ass.

    If you do decide to stay with him due to the fact it is hard to move out, I can offer you no more advice. Stay with him because he makes you happy and feel loved and special.
    Ah - sorry if I put too much emphasis on the financial benefits of staying together I swear, I want to stay with him for better reasons, it's just the money/lack of friends who live nearby that's keeping me here for the minute. Also, the financial aspect of this situation is somthing that has to be resolved pretty much immediately, as opposed to my personal life which is an ongoing thing, and can wait.

    I have been actually been looking for other flats, and am arranging to view one some time next week. I've made it clear to him that I will definitely be going, and that he can come with me, but only if he clears up his act. He seemed to be affected by that, and I hope it's for the better.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    You might be mistaking optimism for arrogance you know. To be fair it sounds like he's right too, as in the future of the relationship does seem to depend more on him.

    Personally I'd be long gone by now in your situation though. But that's me.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I wouldn't be able to trust somebody after that. So yes, I think you're right to split up.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Yes. He's a douchebag.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: July 23, 2009
Poll
Do you agree with the PM's proposal to cut tuition fees for some courses?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.