Why do some people have no friends?

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I'm exactly like this. I want friends, I just don't have them. I guess I'm pretty shy, but I do try and talk to people and make an effort. I guess making friends comes more naturally to some than others. Speaking from experience, generally these people aren't nasty people. In fact from what I've noticed, those people who aren't nice often make friends, as they stick together with other people (who are also not so nice). Sometimes it's the people who are simply too nice to the point where perhaps they are seen to be a pushover that struggle to make friends.

I think it depends on your classmates too. At school there will be some people who will try and help these people out, due to the kindness of their own heart. These people exist, but often there aren't that many of them.In fact at my last school, I made friends with those people who were shy and found it difficult to make friends as I felt sorry for them. It is slightly ironic that I found myself in the position of being one of those people in my current school (but I guess it's easier to make friends when you're younger).

I think one of the main things is the ability to engage in small talk. I am poor at this, and it might explain my lack of success with making friends. I think it might be also because they are too self reliant. I rarely relied on anyone to do anything for me or help me out as I personally rarely needed it. I helped others out though. I think that led to people thinking that I was arrogant or "less human". I've noticed people generally like to help others. When placed in the position where they knew that I did not need nor want their help, I guess it might have made them feel a bit uncomfortable. Unfortunately I realised this a bit too late. Recently I've started asking favours and relying on people a bit more, and I've found people start warming up to you a bit more.
There are other things I suppose, for example not being successful at fitting in. For some reason, I think because I was a bit shy, I believe they treated me a bit differently than most people. If everyone does this, it can make you feel a bit excluded (hence hindering your ability to make friends).
Being too nice or polite, particularly if you are a boy can be a problem. I do a lot of volunteer work with children, and I've noticed that the bossy (perhaps slightly mean) children are usually the centre of attention. While I think they'll probably grow out of those sort of habits when they get older, it's true that generally those who are less willing to take the centre of attention or too careful in afraid of upsetting or offending others will find it harder to make friends. A common misconception is being nice gets you friends. Usually it doesn't. While being nice will help develop that friendship/keep it alive, it doesn't earn you friends. The most popular ones aren't the nicest ones they are the ones who are often both the most confident, but the ones who are able to adapt themselves or force others to adapt to them. I found personally I struggle to change the conversation topic or make myself heard so to speak.

There I've probably gone on too much. If I haven't answered anything in the above, feel free to PM me.

Reply 21

XDaydreamer

they spend all their time making threads on TSR wondering why they have no friends?

Not you OP but there have been a lot of those threads recently

Reply 22

A dreaded sunny day

Hathlan

Wise stuff. I think those saying "people with no friends are douche bags" have a lot of misconceptions. I think most people with no friends are probably as described above.

However, sometimes really awful people get realized as being really awful, then everyone stops being their friend. Doesn't seem to last very long because such awful people are very skilled at worming their way back in. But I think people being absolute dickheads and having no friends as a result is the exception, not the rule.

Actually I've just remembered something else (from you saying wise stuff). Doing really stupid stuff on purpose seems to be popular in front of others. For some reason I'm afraid of doing stupid stuff in front of people, but I'm scared to, and when I do stupid stuff it's doesn't come across particularly funny. It's ironic as I hate being called clever too, it gets tiresome/irritating sometimes.

I read some of your posts Hathlan, and I find small talk annoying like you. I both get agitated by it but also my inability to engage in it. I don't think a dislike of small talks lead to having no friends, but in my case it can sometimes alienate others (as you already said). If I had to be honest, I do think my dislike of small talk is partially the reason to why perhaps I haven't had much success with friends, but that isn't the sole reason (it probably isn't even the most important).
It's funny people say that dickheads don't get friends. In fact I've never seen an unpopular dickhead. In fact being on your own, and without friends can often shatter your confidence, and make you feel a bit depressed sometimes (hence you're perhaps more sensitive to others, and don't want to upset others). "Dickheads" are often people who are oblivious or do not care about other people's feelings.

While I might be biased, generally the more shy you are, the less successful you are going to be making friends. While it's a generalisation, generally that's pretty true. Those who have absolutely no friends, it's likely to be other factors in addition to being shy (in fact I probably haven't worked out what exactly those factors are, otherwise perhaps I would have solved this situation I find myself now).

Reply 23

lmfao

Anonymous

I'm talking about people who have moved away from home for university (or worked etc.) and therefore should have been able to make friends. Not necessarily really close friends that you can tell everything to, but people to hang out with, go out with etc.? It can't be shyness - even the most shy people I know still have friends, so what do you think it is? I've met a few people at work who apparently don't have any friends at all and only meet up with their boyfriends (if they have one) and I'm not sure how it happens. It can't really be shyness because if you are too shy to make friends, then surely you are too shy to get boyfriends?

Why is this anonymous? 99% guarentee you are the "people"

Reply 24

elixira

I'm better at getting on with guys and becoming acquaintances... but girls are more cliquey and like to be 'best friends', and tbh I don't meet that many girls that I'd wanna be best friends with! And I find it hard to be best friends with a guy without one/both fancying the other and making it awkward :P

I've got friends, but I think that's one of the main things that stops me from making more.

Reply 25

Deyn_08

Enviroment , lack of outside activities.

Reply 26

Flying Cookie

Sver

because people are selfish

I think that's the reason people do make friends.

Reply 27

A dreaded sunny day

Deyn_08

Enviroment , lack of outside activities.

I don't agree with the lack of outside activities bit. Most of the closest friends you make are at school. Playing a sport outside school etc. can be fun and takes up time but isn't the best place to make friends. School is easily the best place to make friends.

Reply 28

Deyn_08

A dreaded sunny day

what if school fails though?

Reply 29

neigh

i just don't find 'friends' a necessity; i don't want to have the ties to / be surrounded by, people
i don't socialise for the sake of socialising

Reply 30

Deyn_08

neigh

i just don't find 'friends' a necessity; i don't want to have the ties to / be surrounded by, people
i don't socialise for the sake of socialising

don't you get lonely, i think everyone needs a social release of somesort.

Reply 31

big-boss-91

tis a mystery that needs investigating!

Reply 32

Marsha2112

Social difficulty, too weird, looked different, annoying, or childish, or too serious. An unfriendly school/year. Maybe accidentally offended someone and it got round. Then people who had an awful first day/week so sit in the library then miss all the other opportunities to make friends. Or if everyone starts saying "oh that person's a weirdo" and that person lives up to it rather than change/turn it into something good (most of this happened to me last year, hah, but after turning it round I'm lovin' life :awesome:

)

Reply 33

invictus_veritas

some people don't need friends.

I'm one of those people.

However I do have friends, but that's because the people I'm friends with are incredible people who I enjoy being around. It takes a lot for me to like someone enough to be bothered to talk to them/ hang out with them though. I have gone through periods of my life with no friends and have enjoyed them thoroughly. They're very peaceful and unexciting :smile:

I'm not actually socially retarded: I've had plenty of girlfriends and at times in my life have been extremely popular and sociable, but these tend to be random phases when I just wonder what it would be like to be surrounded by people all the time.

Claustraphobic as it turns out.

Reply 34

neigh

Deyn_08

don't you get lonely, i think everyone needs a social release of somesort.

not really
i feel caged if i'm surrounded by people for too long
i do have social interaction (unfortunatly) it's kinda hard to avoid

Reply 35

ColdVein

Maybe they just haven't met people they have much in common with

Reply 36

Deyn_08

ColdVein

Maybe they just haven't met people they have much in common with

main factor for my problems.

Reply 37

Deyn_08

neigh

not really
i feel caged if i'm surrounded by people for too long
i do have social interaction (unfortunatly) it's kinda hard to avoid

its actually not if you don't go anywhere :ninja:

. its quite easy to fall out of of social circles/interation all together.

Reply 38

neigh

Deyn_08

its actually not if you don't go anywhere :ninja:

. its quite easy to fall out of of social circles/interation all together.

true, tis easy but impractical, thus i keep everyone at a good arms length

Reply 39

A dreaded sunny day

Deyn_08

what if school fails though?

yes, but you are far likely to find friends in school than doing outside activities. People often tell people who don't have many friends to go and engage in outside clubs and activities as a solution when it really isn't.
I'm not saying that people with no friends shouldn't give it a go, but it's not such a great place to make friends. Personally I've tried it and haven't had much success. They keep me busy at weekends I suppose, which is a good thing. But generally if for example you join a cricket club, people are going there to play cricket really, they're not actively looking for friends as they already have those. If you are the sort of person that can make friends easily you might be able to, but again those people aren't going to likely struggle to make friends at school in the first place.