Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    It always seems that the most popular people are always more outgoing and more confident Unfortunately for me im really shy which means i don't have have that many friends and i dont really ask girls out for fear of rejection. However i know im decent looking and i have a nice personality. Im kind and i can be bubbly but only occasionally I want to be more confident but it seems i just freeze. Any advice as i really want to make more friends and have relationships etc.
    • #2
    #2

    Im kinda like that. Got bullied and it wears away at your confidence.

    At the end of the day, life is too short.

    Think carefully about it: what is the worst that can happen? You can avoid embrassment for as long as you want but it will happen eventually and in the meanwhile you just fret about the inevitable.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    Don't think what you say if you upset someone you didn't mean it it just happened you will learn from mistakes, after a mistake don't let it lose your confidence and make you think what to say etc.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Im kinda like that. Got bullied and it wears away at your confidence.

    At the end of the day, life is too short.

    Think carefully about it: what is the worst that can happen? You can avoid embrassment for as long as you want but it will happen eventually and in the meanwhile you just fret about the inevitable.
    Are you more confident now?
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    stop caring about what other people are gonna think if you do somehthing. Just hold your head up high and do what you want to....goodluck!
    • #2
    #2

    Got myself a job where I talk to people on a regular basis. Got past three medical interviews- successfully. Play sports for a team. Also regularly ring up radio stations to give my point of view.

    Just don’t believe that there is anything wrong with you. Don’t use your" low confidence" as an excuse. Don’t say I cannot do this because I believe I cannot do this. Of course you can- you have probably done it before!!

    Its better to have tried and been rejected than to have never tried. Each outcome-negative or positive- provides experience.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    The more you feel uncomfortable, the less often you feel uncomfortable.

    Put yourself out there and get yourself as embarassed as you can (although in all truth, you have nothing to lose from just approaching someone and talking to them, so feeling embarassed is really entirely optional...) Think of your "comfort zone" as a muscle - The more you abuse it, the bigger it becomes.

    In truth, the more you socialise with people the better you get at it and the more valid your point of view becomes (not because you magically become more important, but the tone of you speech improves).

    Here's the important bit:
    When you're talking to a person, especially of the opposite sex, it's human nature to crave positive acclaim for anything you have just said. One is constatly looking for a positive reaction from the person they are talking to. THIS IS A TERRIBLE MENTALITY TO HAVE. You become fearful that something you say might offend someone, or it might be seen stupid or whatever, and end up holding back and seeming really frigid, and that ain't cool

    If a person seems really uptight or isn't on the same wavelength as you, or you feel especially uncomfortable around them (not to be confused with feeling shy around them) then quit wasting your time talking to them and move on to the next one. Accept that there are different personality types and not all of them are compatible, but a heck of a lot of them are
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by bluemax)
    stop caring about what other people are gonna think if you do somehthing. Just hold your head up high and do what you want to....goodluck!
    I wish it was as easy as that
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    youve made the right start by acknowledging that this is something you want to change. it can be a very long process and its not gonna be easy though.
    The first thing you have to do is not give a **** what people think of you. by this i mean people can be horrible to others and say very hateful things. you really have to try your best and not take the negative things and comments to heart. a rejection is not negative, it is positive and helps you learn and grow from it, try this positive mindframe and your definately on the right track. Plus a lot of the time, rejection from a girl can be a test - to see how you react and then they subconciously judge you on your reaction. eg if you went up to a bird you fancied at a bar and asked if you could buy her a drink or something and she said "i dont think so..." then dont take that as you not being worthy of her or something. try to have the mindset that its her who is weird for not accepting your offer, and if she's a ***** about it (which is actually very rare cos women are definately aware of how fragile the typical male ego is so they like to let you down gently), then she isnt worth it anyway! dont tell her to get lost or something though, just laugh or say "ok, see ya" and move on, that shows your way more secure in yourself and women are very attracted to that in a man.

    That point kinda mixes into my second one which is that you are going to need to go wayyy outside your comfort zone to even start getting more confident. try and be as aware as you can when your telling yourself you CANT do something or whenever your making excuses for not going out or chatting to boy X or girl Y. i think nike say it best: "just do it!". if your out or at a party or even at school or college or work or whatever you do...just talk to as many people as you possibly can, ask for directions, ask for help with your work, ask for peoples opinion on anything, the more you speak to people, the more natural you will become, so the more confident you will become, and the more you will be able to approach and talk to the people you want. this sounds weird at first but it reaaaaly helps get rid of anxiety. practice makes perfect and the only way to practice is by gaining first hand experience - just getting out there.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by samjoe)
    youve made the right start by acknowledging that this is something you want to change. it can be a very long process and its not gonna be easy though.
    The first thing you have to do is not give a **** what people think of you. by this i mean people can be horrible to others and say very hateful things. you really have to try your best and not take the negative things and comments to heart. a rejection is not negative, it is positive and helps you learn and grow from it, try this positive mindframe and your definitely on the right track. Plus a lot of the time, rejection from a girl can be a test - to see how you react and then they subconciously judge you on your reaction. eg if you went up to a bird you fancied at a bar and asked if you could buy her a drink or something and she said "i dont think so..." then dont take that as you not being worthy of her or something. try to have the mindset that its her who is weird for not accepting your offer, and if she's a ***** about it (which is actually very rare cos women are definitely aware of how fragile the typical male ego is so they like to let you down gently), then she isnt worth it anyway! dont tell her to get lost or something though, just laugh or say "ok, see ya" and move on, that shows your way more secure in yourself and women are very attracted to that in a man.

    That point kinda mixes into my second one which is that you are going to need to go wayyy outside your comfort zone to even start getting more confident. try and be as aware as you can when your telling yourself you CANT do something or whenever your making excuses for not going out or chatting to boy X or girl Y. i think nike say it best: "just do it!". if your out or at a party or even at school or college or work or whatever you do...just talk to as many people as you possibly can, ask for directions, ask for help with your work, ask for peoples opinion on anything, the more you speak to people, the more natural you will become, so the more confident you will become, and the more you will be able to approach and talk to the people you want. this sounds weird at first but it reaaaaly helps get rid of anxiety. practice makes perfect and the only way to practice is by gaining first hand experience - just getting out there.
    Thanks for the detailed response. Linking to what you said, i find that no one dislikes me because im really shy so i dont have a strong opinion and agree with what everyone says but for more popular people more people like that person and also dislike that person. Im scared to do all these things but i know i need to do this esp since i have uni in september and i dont want to be a loner and hav a miserable 1st year at uni
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Does anyone else have more advice?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Go out of your comfort zone. A great way to start would be starting conversations with randomers.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    try to gain more experience,meet more people,and just dont think too much ,learn to be carefree. its always hard when u r at ur younger age though
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by n0c0ntr0l)
    Go out of your comfort zone. A great way to start would be starting conversations with randomers.
    #
    How exactly can i do that?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks for the replies. Reading them just makes me feel really nervous but i know i have to do it
    • #3
    #3

    (Original post by Fake Plastic Trees)
    The more you feel uncomfortable, the less often you feel uncomfortable.

    Put yourself out there and get yourself as embarassed as you can (although in all truth, you have nothing to lose from just approaching someone and talking to them, so feeling embarassed is really entirely optional...) Think of your "comfort zone" as a muscle - The more you abuse it, the bigger it becomes.

    In truth, the more you socialise with people the better you get at it and the more valid your point of view becomes (not because you magically become more important, but the tone of you speech improves).

    Here's the important bit:
    When you're talking to a person, especially of the opposite sex, it's human nature to crave positive acclaim for anything you have just said. One is constatly looking for a positive reaction from the person they are talking to. THIS IS A TERRIBLE MENTALITY TO HAVE. You become fearful that something you say might offend someone, or it might be seen stupid or whatever, and end up holding back and seeming really frigid, and that ain't cool

    If a person seems really uptight or isn't on the same wavelength as you, or you feel especially uncomfortable around them (not to be confused with feeling shy around them) then quit wasting your time talking to them and move on to the next one. Accept that there are different personality types and not all of them are compatible, but a heck of a lot of them are
    i agree with what you say about craving positive response everytime you speak to someone. i also have low confidence and have noticed that i get paranoid over the smallest things, like if i say something which is kinda an opinion orsomething else, and the person does reply, then i auto think that they disagree with me. i also try too hard to make others comfortble by laughing at what they say cuz i think their tryin to be funny, and always making sure they know i agree and can relate to what they are saying. also, if someone has responded to me enthusiasticlly in the past, say like when ive given them a present, and then the next time, they are still enthusiastic and grateful but maybe not to the same degree as last time, i get paranoid again.
    so my advice is not to overthink
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for the replies. Reading them just makes me feel really nervous but i know i have to do it
    hmv- look around for CDs, ask a girl which CD you think is better from X and Y. Then you can leave her.
    Next time, you do this to another girl, but let the conversation go further, like talk about the artists and other artists etc
    next time, wth a different person you could get to know their name, a little about them as a person etc
    with time, you get good at this and you might even get a phone number
    I'm not advising you to do pick up, just to talk to people and know how to talk to people being genuine
    you should try what i said with girls prefereably, unless your not straight
    the hmv thing was an example, you can start conversations with randomers anywhere and come up with a topic relevant to the environment you're in and then manage to transition conversation to other topics without awkward pauses. if with girls, and you are attracted o them, you might #close if you're smooth enough
    when you know how to talk to people and open up, life gets easier for you...
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by n0c0ntr0l)
    Go out of your comfort zone. A great way to start would be starting conversations with randomers.
    NAIJA BOY!
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    alcohol
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Does anyone else have more advice?
    The post above answers most of what I wanted to say really. The best thing to do is be yourself if you're trying to approach girls. Most girls tend to see right through someone if theyre pretending to be someone their not and will see it as insecure.

    Try be confident by believeing that girls want you. If you go in and make yourself look desperate then you will have no chance. Just be cool and take it slow. Look at the way james bond interacts with women, it's always slow and at HIS pace, not hers. We men tend to give women too much power by catering to their needs. You should try make it seem like you're not too botherd by the outcome, not creating the image of 'oh they better say yes'. If they do say no when asking to buy them a drink or asking their number just say 'no problem, have a nice evening' and move on.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: July 29, 2009
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Brussels sprouts
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.