Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Keep anon or delete...

    Ok this is probably going to be long but I'll try and keep it brief and to the point. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months, he was my first serious boyfriend and all that. We talked about the future and getting married and all of that, which I want, but not right immediately now. However, he wants to be married right immediately now. He has given me two months as a maximum, however being 22 and a recent graduate, I don't want to be married right now. I am working in a gap year job before postgrad study and want to focus on building my career etc. I love him and I am sure that he was 'the one' until this ultimatum of marry him soon or he'll go. We have sent off for the Certificate of approval (he is not a british national, I am) and he wanted to go to the mosque and do it as soon as this came through. I want to wait a year for us to get to know each other more, face life events together, spend time together and generally grow up etc. I don't see this as a problem, given that compared to the rest of our lives, 12 months is nothing. I strongly believe that marriage is for life and want to confirm that everything is ok.

    However, by me saying I don't want to get married right now, he has taken it as "I don't want to be with you" and doesn't understand just waiting 12 months. He says he can't trust I will still be with him in 12 months even though I have assured him I won't break up with him in 12 months time and we can even plan the wedding, have a period of engagement etc over these 12 months and not just rush into it next month. Surely if he loved me, he would wait? Although he says he loves me all the time.

    Me not marrying him right now, apparently means the resulting break up is all my fault, as is everything normally. I feel cr*p about this now, because he does treat me like a princess normally. He will try and buy me anything i.e. a new phone, clothes, even though I don't ask him for anything because I would rather just have him around. Now he says I am ungrateful for everything he does, including living away from his family for me (he was a foreign student, we met at uni and he didn't move back after he graduated). But whenever he is in a mood, everything is my fault. If we argue on the phone, he will hang up. If we argue at home, he will face the wall. If there is something he doesn't like, I am the stupid b*tch. It's also my fault if I get called something like that, because I annoyed him into it. If I reply late to a text (by late, I mean 5 mins), he will be in a mood that I am with someone else or just not bothered by him. Valid reasons like being in the shower/on the toilet/on the phone are all 'excuses'. But still I am immature apparently, since I am the one 6 years younger.

    Sorry for the rant, am I over reacting or does the fault for the split lie entirely with me?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    er
    so its marry or breakup?
    wtf.
    it's only been 10 months.
    where is he from?
    maybe he wants your passport.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    he sounds like a control freak and that you were right to try and postpone the wedding...i think as soon as you marry him he'll be bugging you to start a family...then after that bugging your for something else...he wants everything perfect but i think its at the expense of you being truly happy with him, darling.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by mitsabeeba)

    where is he from?
    maybe he wants your passport.
    Pakistan. And nope, he has been living here for so long he could get British nationality on his own... he doesn't need me for it and has no intention to do so. Was bugging me to move to pakistan as well, but I put my foot down with that and he accepted it.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    bump please... I'm in rather an upset state... :bawling:
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    guess not
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Are you sure that he is not after a quick way to a British passport?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Tbh, he sounds like a control freak. Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with such a person?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    First of all do not be pressured! Marriage yes you're right is for life! It's tottally reasonable for you to want to wait! Giving a ultimatium is unfair on you and has caused you suffering. I can only suggest trying to explain again, perhaps change your choice of words so he will understand. Rushing into marriage will do you two no good, building your career is the right thing to do to insure a stable future with him or for yourself. Maybe buy a pet together, something long term he can be satisfied with for the moment?
    Good luck and i do hope it goes well. :yes: :hugs: :hugs:
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    But still I am immature apparently, since I am the one 6 years younger.
    If I didn't read the other posts, I would have said he's after a passport to get into the country - but as you've said, not so.

    To me - he doesn't seem to understand your aspirations and wants in life for the next 12 months, and doesn't respect them. Then proceeding to digress into a 15 year old and playing the "You don't love me blah blah blah.." card. What about the sacrifices you might have to make if you marry him within the next two months?

    The quote i've picked out is b/s in my opinion. You're being more mature for wanting to take things.. a bit slower, wanting to see how things play out and not rushing into marriage. As you've said, marriage isn't something to be taken lightly. Your not over-reacting, and the fault of the split does not lie with you, at all.

    I can't say you should get rid, or stay with him - i'm not you. But, if you haven't already, try and sit him down for a.. heart to heart. Explain to him why you don't want to marry right now, your aspirations and wants over the next 12 months - tell him what you've told us. If he still doesn't understand and still insists, then - i'd say he never will.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Chipie)
    Maybe buy a pet together, something long term he can be satisfied with for the moment?
    Definately not long term enough. In fact, in his eyes, marriage is the only option. But I'm the one being stubborn here.

    Having laid it all out, I'm not going to go running after him etc. If he wants to come to me, he knows where I will be but I'm not going to hold my breath. I want a career to build, I don't want to be a housewife. I still want to be able to go out and have fun with my friends, without being accused of cheating on him because my female friend has a name that could be a male name also...
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    definitely not long term enough. In fact, in his eyes, marriage is the only option. But I'm the one being stubborn here.

    Having laid it all out, I'm not going to go running after him etc. If he wants to come to me, he knows where I will be but I'm not going to hold my breath. I want a career to build, I don't want to be a housewife. I still want to be able to go out and have fun with my friends, without being accused of cheating on him because my female friend has a name that could be a male name also...
    you sound like you know your own mind so dont let anyone tell you what you should/shouldnt be doing.
    if you want a career, you go and get yourself 1 - if this guy loved you he should respect your wishes. 12 months really isnt a long time!
    does he say why he is in such a rush to get married? it seems weird that he loves you so much he wants to marry you but if it isnt within 2 months he will walk away??? why would you walk away from someone you love so much over this? why cant he wait?!!
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Han265)
    does he say why he is in such a rush to get married? it seems weird that he loves you so much he wants to marry you but if it isnt within 2 months he will walk away??? why would you walk away from someone you love so much over this? why cant he wait?!!
    Because he says he doesn't want to be living in sin anymore. But I told him we didn't have to keep our flat or he could stay in it and I would move back to my parents for the duration of the year. But it's not the solution apparently. Now he has been crying and begging for me to change my mind coz I'm the only one being stubborn. Argh I'm so confused
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    If you don't want to get married right now, he should understand it's not about your relationship because you want to stay with him. He's the one being selfish when he gives you an ultimatum. You should tell him that you love him but you won't change your mind as you want to build a career. Maybe if you give him a date for the wedding, he'll be relieved and prepared to wait for you.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: July 24, 2009
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    What's your favourite Christmas sweets?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.