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    To clarify, I don't think the loneliness is really due to not spending enough time with people; it's more due to the feeling that there's no one who understands me at anything more than a basic level, so, even if I'm with someone, I feel like that's almost a "fake me" that's with them, and that the real me has never actually spent any time with anyone
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for the reply, but basically the main problem is that nobody truly knows me; I have lots of friends and casual acquaintances at school, but all they know is this veneer that I try to project to make people like me. EVen my Head of Year, who I'd say I was pretty close to, only really knows me superficially, so I don't think he could really help any more than a stranger on a forum can; plus, I'd just feel that the relationship between us would be forever altered if I told him any of this, and that for the next two years he'd treat me differently and (sorry for bringing this up again) pity me.
    With the whole asking people to do stuff, as well as the fears about them being pitying me (which no amount of rational argument will ever be able to dispel), there's again the fact that none of them really deeply know me, so going out with them would just force me to put up some act of happiness, and I don't think that'd help at all. Add into that the fact that I generally get anxious in social situations, and that whenever I'm with people I just want to be alone again (yet, as soon as I am alone, the opposite is very soon true), then I really can't see that helping. All I really want is just to have someone who loves me and totally understands me, but at the same time I realise how unlikely that is
    Your head of year sounds like an ideal person to email. The person doesn't need to know you well at all, if anything its probably easier for you to email them and outline the things bothering you and give an accurate picture if they don't already have a well formed impression about you.

    It shouldn't alter your relationship with you as a teacher-student and certainly not in a bad way if it did. You have to start talking to people to get out of this situation and telling someone in your life and really talking to them is a really good idea. So what if he pities you, everyone goes through difficult times and deserve to be pitied a little during those times. I think you're confusing caring and pitying in this context.

    To have someone who loves and understands you, you have to let people in. You should really talk to someone, maybe a teacher, head of year, an aunt or go to your GP. I understand that you're anxious in social situations but you shouldn't use that as an excuse not to be sociable. The only way you will overcome the anxiety is to face it.
    • #4
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know I need to think positively, but it's just so hard; I just can't think of anything that could conceivably happen in the next couple of months that could even begin to make me happy, and that just leads to me not even bothering to try and make myself happy, as I'm almost resigned to the fact that it's a practical impossibility, and yet, it was the thought of all of this stuff that's now passing me by that originally kept me going
    exactly, sounds just like depression, it makes our situations very different, im just feeling miserable and down but still thinking positively, youre thinking negatively, your 'friends' wont really pity you, its very unlikely, but your negative thinking is causing you to over analyse everything and think only of the worst that could happen, the best way to sort your problem out without seeing your gp is to counter your fears, invite your friends round, you'l prove yourself wrong and realise that worrying about them pitying you was just ridiculous, if you just cant manage it, then you should see your gp and see if its depression
    • #6
    #6

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    All I really want is just to have someone who loves me and totally understands me, but at the same time I realise how unlikely that is
    This^ Me too.
    Though I'm def. not as lonely as you seem to be, but I do know what it feels like.
    I know it might seem to you as though your friends would pity you if you asked for anything, as long as it's casual and just a little group of mates getting together to do stuff, then it's fine and they wouldn't think anything else of it- like someone else said, just text them or whatever and say 'hey, you guys free today to do something, I'm bored sat at home doing nothing'
    It does feel like you're never going to get through it when you're down like that, but the only way to try and cope is to occupy yourself.
    Maybe you're thinking of a relationship, or do you mean you want to have closer friends? Anyway, whichever, you have to try and forget about being lonely when you're with mates, actively try and just have fun.
    Good luck
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I should probably add that I don't feel ridiculously sad all the time, but then I read about and hear from other people, and their definition of sadness seems to equate my average, and they describe levels of happiness that I could never even imagine obtaining. But then again, I almost feel sometimes as though I'm more content when I'm sad, and, by trying to feel happy, I almost feel that I'd end up sadder than I am now; for instance, some of the times when I'm depressed the most are just after a supposedly "happy" event, yet all that even usually serves to do is to highlight how crumby everything is, and make me wish that my life was just non-stop happy events (but, on the other hand, I often feel as though I don't deserve to be happy, and I've almost resigned myself to never achieving it). Sorry if this is at a bit of a tangent to the first post
    I feel the same as you a lot of the time and know exactly what you mean about the happy event thing.
    I recently had a hen night to go to and a wedding the next day(different people). It was lovely hanging out with people I've known for ages but then I'd be thinking afterwards, yeaa we don't actually hang out normally. I know for sure that I was only invited to the hen night to make up the numbers.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon or delete for obvious reasons please
    Anyways, I've just been feeling a bit lost recently, and I think that's pretty much entirely attributable to being alone. At school I'm popular enough, in that everyone likes me and respects me to quite an extent, and wherever I go people will always talk to me, but it never really goes beyond that; out of the hundred or more people who rhapsodise about me and almost quasi-worship me as some sort of genius, but then maybe only 10 of those are close friends, and even those, although they'd consider themselves close, aren't really; in the 6 weeks or so of the Holidays so far, I've probably only seen those 10 a combined 5 times excluding school events. I think everyone just presumes I hang around with everyone else and have a perfectly healthy social life with lots of people, but just not them. I've tried to make friends out of school, going to the gym, working in a charity shop, applying for jobs etc., but I'm just so desperate for some form of companionship that I think it'll always be difficult for me to meet new people, as I won't be able to just treat them as acquaintances at first and become closer over time - I just want the loneliness to end NOW, which creates a horrific vicious cycle of never being able to make friends.
    But I always try to keep up this auspice of normality, and, indeed, what I'd hate more than being alone is being with people but being pitied by them, so I'm never able to ask anybody to spend time with me, as I have some sort of twisted belief that if I ask them, then they'll just feel forced and do it out of pity, and I'd hate that far more than being alone. I've even considered self harm just so that someone would pay attention to me, but then that would just lead to people pitying me and feeling sorry for me, and of course I couldn't stand that.
    Yet, for all that, I don't really want friends; I just want someone who'll love me, and who'll hold me tight, as all I've ever wanted is to go to sleep knowing that someone out there was actually thinking about me, and really cared about me. But, without that, I just feel so morose all the time: for instance, I'm going on holiday next week,but I couldn't care less - I just keep asking myself "what's the best that could actually happen?"; well, I'm pretty much incapable of enjoying anything, for reasons I've never really been sure of, so the answer is of course that nothing good could happen, and indeed I've taken on the outlook almost that nothing good could ever come from anything, and that I'm just meandering along waiting for something good to happen, yet, of course, I can't really see how anything good could possibly happen.

    There's some more stuff I should probably include, but it's pretty long as is, and I can't imagine anyone would want to read this. I'm not even sure why I wrote this, and I've probably misrepresented myself horribly, but I suppose I'd just like to verbalise my feelings a bit and get it all out in the open.
    Thanks if you do bother to read any of them, although I'm not sure what sort of advice I can expect to receive
    I could have basically written that :rolleyes: Uncanny!
    • #1
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    #1

    Thanks for all the replies, they've been really helpful
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    It's actually fairly reassuring that there are others who feel the same. Too bad that when you meet people, you can never really realize it >_<
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    I definitely get this issue with pity also. I hate it when people pity me. Its such an inferior position and just makes me feel so small and childish.

    To protect myself from it, I make out like I'm above all of it like I'm heartless, unsympathetic and lacking empathy. The logic is that if people dont think you're sensitive or capable of much emotion they will not feel sorry for you. It works most of the time, but it also means you have to hide many emotions and you're never truly yourself.

    I eventually realised I'm very mentally weak; on a bad day (although generally I'm able to suck up most of life's sucker punches) I'll end up in tears (which I have to hide cause I dont want people to feel sorry for me or notice that I'm upset- it makes me feel worse). What makes it even worse is thinking about what other people around the world are suffering. In comparison, my bad day (which is pretty rare) is nothing. E.g I was having a bad day today then I read an email from a desperate friend who I havent seen for a year - turns out he's since lost his job, is about to be evicted and his marriage is on the brink. Ugh, I feel so petty.

    I also hate it for other people to feel like they're bieng pitied - and so often if a friend is upset I end up leaving them alone as giving them attention will highlight they're being subject to pity (which for me is an awful feeling). It also makes me feel like abad friend (which I probably am if I can't even offer comfort when they need it).

    PS: Its weird but I toned down this post so anyone who reads it wont feel too sorry. I'll feel even worse after pressing 'Submit Reply'. Here goes.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    To clarify, I don't think the loneliness is really due to not spending enough time with people; it's more due to the feeling that there's no one who understands me at anything more than a basic level, so, even if I'm with someone, I feel like that's almost a "fake me" that's with them, and that the real me has never actually spent any time with anyone
    :ditto:

    the "friendships" i form, seem so fake, i did have that a really liked, but that person has left me now.

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    You're 1st step should be to identify all these coping strategies youre using: hiding behind this i dont want to be seen as weak idea, the im inferior/dont deserve happiness thing etc. Then take a sensible detached look at why youre using each of these approaches.

    Are they really the best way to go about dealing with this or are they just 'easy ways out'?
 
 
 
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