Hello guys and gals,
Long post, im really sorry. Im sorry about this, just would really like some advice please because i'm ridiculously worried history is repeating itself for me.
Just under 2 years ago I broke up with my boyf of 3 years, due to the fact that we'd been in an LDR (long distance relationship) for at least a year of the relationship (when the problems started) and that for a large proportion of the time was a manipulative and sometimes evil boyfriend and an outrageous flirt (e.g amongst other things, he told me he wanted me to die, fail my degree, threw things at me, flirted outrageously with other girls, told me he liked other people, wouldn't let me meet his friends, made out everything was my fault etc etc), i became jealous and paranoid, ridiculously apologetic and gradually spiralled into depression and lost all of my self esteem. I can appreciate only now that he did this and that it wasn't entirely my fault by regaining some of my self esteem and listening to him tell me about the way he has treated other girls since, which has been both horrifying but strangely carthartic at the same time - my favourite line from one such conversation was "i enjoyed watching her cry, i wanted her to hurt, I know i'm sick". I'm not pegging all of this on him, i grew increasingly insecure which wasn't easy and we were far apart.
However, I have now been in a happy relationship with a wonderful and funny guy for 9 months. I have felt much more secure and happy in myself, but I have been badly scarred by my old relationship and just recently I have found some old feelings being stirred up and I am petrified that I will go back to the way I was.
Although my new boyf is completely different to my ex in all the important ways, he does (which I am gradually discovering) have some similarities, in that he has a very charming personality, is naturally flirty, possibly has a tendency to be arrogant, very logical, has decided to do a law conversion (my ex is a trainee solicitor) - all things that would be perfectly wonderful and attractive traits except that I find myself linking them back to the hell of my ex and that relationship.
Having just finished uni and moved back home we have just entered into an LDR so I think that this is another factor that isn't helping and one that I am irrationally worried about because i associate it with the failure of my last relationship.
Up until this month when he got a 2 week vac scheme with a law firm everything was ace. But now he's picked up an obssession with law (something that i was made to feel very second to in my previous relationship). Sometimes when he talks about law I find myself becoming unreasonably paranoid. I have never found myself doubting my new bf and i have trusted him explicitly, he is a natural flirt and has been out with girl mates a lot for drinks, nights out etc but as soon as he started going out with law girls I felt a rising panic and jealousy. WHY?!
I got back from a weeks holiday last night and phoned him up for a chat as we hadn't spoken properly all week and I was asking him about how his work experience had gone and one of the first things he told me was that there was a girl there that he had asked for her number for some reason or another to arrange a meeting or so on, and that there had been a running joke all week that he fancied her. This immediately made me feel sick and paranoid and insecure, which I honestly havent felt since my ex. I said something along the lines of "i should hope not" in what i hoped to be in a jokey kind of way but sounded a bit strangled and he said "Are you serious? You don't trust me?" and then made some sarcastic comment about how he'd pulled her which is exactly the sort of thing my ex would have said to wind me up.
Please help me. I don't want to be that girl again. My new bf is not the same as my ex, he is much more caring and trustworthy and ridiculously honest and includes me in his life. Its just that my scarred heart won't let me escape from thinking that it's all going to happen again. I think a lot of it's due to the LDR factor because none of this would have happened if I saw him more often. But I don't know what to do. How do I stop myself from being irrational and paranoid? He won't know how to handle me and I don't want to lose him.
Thank you x
Paranoia, crazy ex boyfriend and Long Distance Relationship Watch
- Thread Starter
- 26-07-2009 14:54
- 26-07-2009 14:59
Will not work. No matter how long you drag it out, a couple need constant physical contact to keep a bond.
- 26-07-2009 15:02
oh...and he sounds like a little child playing a big time lawyer.
- Thread Starter
- 26-07-2009 15:26
Never? Even if it's for a short while? x
- 26-07-2009 16:06
Poor you, he sounds like he's been really inconsiderate but to be fair, he probably hasn't got a clue about how you're feeling and what you went through before. I'd try telling him, without making too much of a big deal about it, about how you are feeling insecure sometimes about what he said because of what's happened in the past. Explain that you know your current boyfriend is different but how horrible it was to be reminded of all that crap you went through before.
Don't worry about the new girl at work - me and my guy friends joke about flirting all the time and it doesn't mean anything at all! Just concentrate on building up the trust between the two of you if this is going to be a long-term thing