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Parents dismissing university! Watch

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    #1

    (Can we keep this anon please?)

    I'm stuck in limbo at the moment, and could do with some outside advice and support.

    I'm the middle child, with a sister younger than me and one older than me. I'm really passionate about education, and I'm keen to do well academically, but I feel I'm stuck in the middle.

    Basically, my older sister went to University and totally screwed up. She was the family rebel, however, we only seen this side of her after she went. She dismissed her studies, didn't really care and generally ****** up.

    Because of this, my parents have dismissed University for me and I'm really upset about it. I'm not from a wealthy family, and my parents worked overdrive for my sisters fees etc - to make it happen for her, and because she has slapped them in the face, I think they've gone off the idea of higher education.

    I don't know for certain if they'll let me go to University, however, I get the idea that it's looking bleak. But I'm keeping my options open, but I'm finding it hard to do so.

    I'll be studying, and when I get a moment of; 'I can't be bothered', I'll play back in my head that my parents aren't going to allow university, therefore I'm studying for nothing. I don't want to go to University without my parents praise and support, but at the same time I know I have to go.

    My parents have already told me to look for a full time job, so I can help financially. If I'm going to have to support them, then I know I wont be able to study and secondly, I won't have any financial support from them.

    Please, what should I do?
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    Make sure you do really well in whatever you're doing at the moment, prove that you're committed and get into a good uni. I'm not sure about the finance situation, I've got all that to come when I apply next year, but afaik there are a lot of grants, loans and bursaries that you might be entitled to to make sure you can go to uni If you get a part time job now and when you're there, that'd help too.

    If you've got ambition and you could do well, then don't let your parent's hold you back. They will be proud of you.
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    Just pay for university yourself, most of us do that.
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    Talk to them and as said for the time being prove that you are committed, there may be some way in which you would be able to fund most of the university fees yourself, it is best to look into it when you get to the point and present it all to your parents in a manner where you have researched everything and they know you are serious about it all. The key point they need to realise is that you are not like your sister, which im sure they will in time.
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    It's not a matter of them allowing you to go to uni. YOU decide if you want to go or not, it's not up to them.
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    Worst case scenario is that you have to get a job (they can't force you but I can understand you feeling pressured). After a year or 2 of work you should have a decent amount of saving to goto uni anyway. Plus once you have started working they will probably see you as an independent person, leave you alone and pressure your younger sis.
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    Pay for it yourself :x
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    You said your family isn't that wealthy, which is a good thing because you'll get enough in loans to live ok throughout uni. My family isn't that rich and i get an ok amount to live off at uni. It seems the main problem some people have is when their parents are rich but are too stingy to help out the child and the government won't give them money because the parents can afford it. You don't sound like you're not in that situation so you should be able to do it without your parents.
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    Errm you'll be 18 so your parents have no say what so ever with regards to you going to university, grow a backbone and tell them you're going whether they agree with it or not. You don't need parental support for uni, most of us survive on loans/grants/part time jobs just fine.
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    Getting away from parents and making your own decisions is part of growing up. We can't and shouldn't do everything our parents says or wants because its our own life and we are responsible for our own future.

    It would be nice to have some parental support for your education but parents and kids will always disagree on some things and in your case, its university.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I'm sorry I can't reply to each reply individually, but I'm incredibly grateful for your responses.

    The issue isn't just the financial side, I've looked into loans, student finance and it would appear I'll be able to get funding for my course one way or another.

    But the main issue, is the fact that I don't/won't have my parents approval. I understand that it's rightfully my decision, as it will affect my future. Everyone I know, has parents constantly asking how they are doing at school, regularly speaking to teachers to see if there is anything else they can help with etc, however, my parents haven't done this since 2007 when it first became apparent of my sisters behaviour.

    I have this feeling, that if I end up going without their support, I'll end up drifting apart from my parents, to the extent that we will no longer talk. Far-fetched it may seem, but I've had dreams that I'll be happy during term-time and when everyone returns home, I'll be miserable because my parents wont be welcoming.

    I'll be getting my results soon, and I've badgered my parents about it for a while. But it seems as if they aren't bothered. I wouldn't expect them to take the day off work to help me (I hope) celebrate, but it doesn't seem to have affected them in the slightest.

    A couple of you have mentioned badgering my parents about my sisters behaviour. However, to my parents, it'll seem like deja-vu. My sister was all A-grade, and was a role model, my parents were so supportive of her, and then she went an did that. I don't know how me getting good grades etc, is going to change my parents view of University, as it's exactly the same case with my sister. She was hard working, committed, but she suddenly changed. I can't show how I am different to my parents?
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    Apply for deferred entry, work your arse off for a year in a FT job, go on a two week holiday prior to going to uni rather than trying to travel and whilst working pay your parents some 'housekeeping'. But whilst doing so make it clear that most of the money you are earning is to help pay towards your university costs, not so that they can eat steak instead of hamburgers...
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    So what is your sister up to these days? Has she moved out, gone to live in a commune, become a communist or what?
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    Although it would be nice to have your parents blessing for University, it's not necessary. Also, if you're as determined as you say you are about education and you do well, then they'll realise you were serious all along and I'm sure they'll be very proud of you. If you don't go, you'll spend the rest of your life thinking "What if...". My parents don't have the money to support me financially through university, so I'm getting through on a student loan and part-time job. I really don't know why people stress so much about money for university, if you have a job and you're not an idiot when it comes to spending, you'll be fine. You only have to start paying a small amount back out of your wages when you leave and are earning over £15,000. Go for it.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Stomm)
    So what is your sister up to these days? Has she moved out, gone to live in a commune, become a communist or what?
    I don't (neither do my parents) know where she is. I don't even think she finished her degree.

    She (from what I've heard) became rather the party animal, was always getting pissed, getting arrested subsequently for her behaviour.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm sorry I can't reply to each reply individually, but I'm incredibly grateful for your responses.

    The issue isn't just the financial side, I've looked into loans, student finance and it would appear I'll be able to get funding for my course one way or another.

    But the main issue, is the fact that I don't/won't have my parents approval. I understand that it's rightfully my decision, as it will affect my future. Everyone I know, has parents constantly asking how they are doing at school, regularly speaking to teachers to see if there is anything else they can help with etc, however, my parents haven't done this since 2007 when it first became apparent of my sisters behaviour.

    I have this feeling, that if I end up going without their support, I'll end up drifting apart from my parents, to the extent that we will no longer talk. Far-fetched it may seem, but I've had dreams that I'll be happy during term-time and when everyone returns home, I'll be miserable because my parents wont be welcoming.


    I'll be getting my results soon, and I've badgered my parents about it for a while. But it seems as if they aren't bothered. I wouldn't expect them to take the day off work to help me (I hope) celebrate, but it doesn't seem to have affected them in the slightest.

    A couple of you have mentioned badgering my parents about my sisters behaviour. However, to my parents, it'll seem like deja-vu. My sister was all A-grade, and was a role model, my parents were so supportive of her, and then she went an did that. I don't know how me getting good grades etc, is going to change my parents view of University, as it's exactly the same case with my sister. She was hard working, committed, but she suddenly changed. I can't show how I am different to my parents?

    That's life, I'm afraid. Your parents are just ****** off because your sister ****** up and they don't want you to be another financial let down. If they're not forced to support you financially and they know you'll do it off your own back, then they'll come around, I'm sure. :console:
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    Talk to them dont get into an argument. Explain that you want an adult conversation and get both sides across then compromise.

    I'm sort of split down the middle, on my mothers side none of them did higher education of any sort. Whilst on my dads side two of my aunts have teaching degrees, so whereas my mum wasnt bothered my dad always told me to do my best and if I didnt want to go to uni when I was old enough I didnt have to but at least I had decent grades to do something else.

    How about coming to a compromise with your parents whereby you completely support yourself for a whole year and that way you can show them that your serious about going to university. Then when you've shown them your commited then perhaps agree with them they will pay for your final two years.

    I think once you have shown you are dedicated to doing it, I am sure your parents will come around. I know you are concerned about them disowning you, how about when your away sending them photocopies of your grades and how you are getting on etc. This would keep them informed without ramming it down their throats but also show them that you are unlike your sister. Dont shut them out as they will feel as if they are proved right.
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    Tell them to stop making you pay for your sister's wrongdoings.

    If they still don't budge, take a gap year and work, work, work. Save up as much as possible. With that, a student loan, a grant and part-time job, you should be able to pay your own way through.
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    go and prove them wrong. it'll all work out in the long run. plus you can have a part time job too if it's not too much and you can balance it. seriously though, uni is not only for academia but good socially too and you don't want to be missing out on the uni experience and regretting it for the rest of your life(which i know many people that do!). honestly it's your choice, go anyway! and somehow work hard and make them proud-if not just do it for yourself
    all the best.
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    You have to do what is right for you, regardless of whether your parents believe it to be the best thing for you. By going to uni and doing well there, you'll be proving them wrong and doing something you've wanted to do. I would go for it. Good luck
 
 
 
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