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Do I like her?.. Or do I feel sorry for her? Watch

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    This isn't your regular old "I like girl Y but have problem X" - there's a BIG TWIST (indicated below) lol..... I'll give a bit of backstory and try to keep this as short as possible....

    This story is a bit on the long side, but I promise you it's a good read full of tears, laughter, romance, heartbreak, life and sadly, death. I've split it up into easy-to-read sections for your convenience


    *************************
    **BACKSTORY:1 MONTH AGO***
    *************************
    Just over a month ago I met up with this girl (we had only ever spoken by txt beforehand) - we met at a club and I went back to hers, we just cuddled and watched DVDs. Ever since then I've been going up to hers 1 or 2 nights every weekend and we'd watch DVDs, cuddle, and get really steamy (there has been no sex so far as neither of us has had a free house - but we both want it, BADLY).

    Anyway.. the pre-tense of our relationship was "friends that just have fun" as I don't live in my home town, I study in a different country and am only back for holiday periods. Thus I can't really have a relationship cos I dont want to do the long distance thing.


    *************************
    *******PRESENT DAY********
    *************************
    But as we spent more time with each other we both grew to have deeper feelings for each other. I'd always known she'd always had stronger feelings than me... but last night we started talking on the phone whilst we were in bed.............


    *************************
    ********BIG TWIST*********
    *************************
    Right... This girl is 18 (19 in 2 weeks) and I am 21.... When she was 14 the doctors gave her half a year to live because she has Goldenhar Syndrome; A very rare condition:- the parts of it she has are: malformed ears/deaf; undeveloped heart and lungs; scoliosis (crooked spine); and a few other things. This means that she is almost always in pain and very short of breath... and she knows herself, and has come to grips with, the fact that she does not have long left on this planet.

    *************************
    ********LAST NIGHT********
    *************************
    On with the story again... We were in bed talking...
    She was saying how she really really likes me, and that she'll never feel the same way about anyone and not have as much fun with anyone as she does with me. She was saying how me going back to uni will kill her, and although it will break her heart, she wants me to meet a girl over there.. she said she wants me to be happy, to live on with my life, and that I can do much better than her and how she is not the best and can't handle things anymore.....

    ... At this point I start crying.. crying because the idea of losing her was crushing to me... crying because I was afraid she was going to do something stupid (she's almost always in pain)... crying because I care about her... and crying because I'm confused....


    *************************
    *******THE PROBLEM********
    *************************
    I DO have feelings for her, and there is a strong chemistry between us - that much is apparent from our kisses - they get very passionate and there is definitely a spark there. And I really do care for her a lot.... The problem is... I don't know HOW MUCH I like her. I've only ever felt this strongly about someone before, and I loved her... so do I love this new girl?

    Why I'm confused is because of the type of person I am... I am always the Knight in Shining Armour.. I always want to help people and fix the world, and I sometimes empathise a little too much. I have conflicted feelings over whether I genuinely care for her as a person... or if I feel sorry for her and THATS what's causing me to care so much. She always tells me how much I mean to her, and how I'm such a big part in her life and how I'm the most decent guy she's ever been with...

    Do I genuinely like her? Or do I feel sorry for her? Or do I just not want to break her already-fragile heart?



    I know only I can answer these questions - but I'm interested in hearing people's thoughts, questions and idea - maybe they'll help me come to a conclusion?

    Sorry for the long post,

    latot
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    I think you do like her but you're fearful of a relationship in case you might hurt her emotionally.
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    Hmm, well i recently had cancer and doctors only gave me little to live, said they couldn't do anything for me, but thanks to god i got out of it and will hopefully come to live a long life...if i had a guy like you, it would have broken my heart if you had stayed with me on the pretense that i wasn't going to live long and the fact that you didn't want to hurt me...its sweet but it makes me feel like ****. Figure out whether you love her for who she is, or because of what she is!
    Hope that was helpful!
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    Oddly familiar with Goldenhar Syndrome, I suppose that's where the hours of casual reading have gone.
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    (Original post by SloaneRanger.)
    I think you do like her but you're fearful of a relationship in case you might hurt her emotionally.
    I DO like her and I DO care for her.... but I'm unsure HOW MUCH I care for her and whether it's cos of her condition or not


    (Original post by Anonymous #1)
    Hmm, well i recently had cancer and doctors only gave me little to live, said they couldn't do anything for me, but thanks to god i got out of it and will hopefully come to live a long life...if i had a guy like you, it would have broken my heart if you had stayed with me on the pretense that i wasn't going to live long and the fact that you didn't want to hurt me...its sweet but it makes me feel like ****. Figure out whether you love her for who she is, or because of what she is!
    Hope that was helpful!
    I'm very sorry to hear about your cancer - my father died of cancer last month, I know how awful it is. Goldenharr is a little different... she won't live a long life, there is no cure or prevention for it - only time.

    I don't like her only because of her condition, that much I know - i liked her before I met her and before I knew of her condition.

    I'm not going to stay with her - that much is already a definite, and it breaks my heart to say so. My life isn't here anymore, it's in another country, and we both know that. But do I feel SO bad/attached to her because of her illness? Or would I feel the same were she not given a death sentence?

    latot
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hmm, well i recently had cancer and doctors only gave me little to live, said they couldn't do anything for me, but thanks to god i got out of it and will hopefully come to live a long life...if i had a guy like you, it would have broken my heart if you had stayed with me on the pretense that i wasn't going to live long and the fact that you didn't want to hurt me...its sweet but it makes me feel like ****. Figure out whether you love her for who she is, or because of what she is!
    Hope that was helpful!
    This.

    You need to work out for yourself if you really have feelings for this girl, or if you just don't want to hurt her because of the condition she has. Once you have figured it out, the decision what to do will be made for you.

    Good luck.
    • #1
    #1

    (Original post by latot)
    I DO like her and I DO care for her.... but I'm unsure HOW MUCH I care for her and whether it's cos of her condition or not




    I'm very sorry to hear about your cancer - my father died of cancer last month, I know how awful it is. Goldenharr is a little different... she won't live a long life, there is no cure or prevention for it - only time.

    I don't like her only because of her condition, that much I know - i liked her before I met her and before I knew of her condition.

    I'm not going to stay with her - that much is already a definite, and it breaks my heart to say so. My life isn't here anymore, it's in another country, and we both know that. But do I feel SO bad/attached to her because of her illness? Or would I feel the same were she not given a death sentence?

    latot
    Just the fact that you can ask that, means that you would feel the same way
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    Be selfish for once, don't hurt your own feelings. You do not want to make it an even greater loss, and the more you like her, the worse it will feel.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Just the fact that you can ask that, means that you would feel the same way
    Really? Why is that?


    (Original post by addylad)
    Be selfish for once, don't hurt your own feelings. You do not want to make it an even greater loss, and the more you like her, the worse it will feel.
    You know, sometimes I do wish I was more selfish, cos I always get like this lol... I always get attached to people and want to help them - and I know that you've gotta leave people to their own devices and let them work it out themselves.

    As it stands... I do care for her, and I really enjoy spending time with each other, so I don't want to end it right now - we have agreed to enjoy what we have for now.

    It will hurt.. but not for long... I tend to get over things very quickly... but I'm most afraid of hurting her.. I've already broken someones heart before, and it sucked... but I know as long as I live, I will continue to have my heart broken and break others hearts... you cant make omelettes without breaking some eggs...
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    I think you already like her enough to ask yourself so many questions about it all, and you already like her so much that it's going to hurt you a lot regardless or if you are together or not when she passes, if you understand what I mean. Plus, she's lived 5 years when she was given 6 months, yes it could hurt but you could still have so many happy years together!

    In my opinion you care for her a LOT, and I think she can see that too so much so as to offer you the chance to go and be with someone else because she thinks you deserve better!

    You said it yourself that you have deep feelings for her. I don't think it matters how much as long as they're there, it'd be worse if you decided to be with her and didn't have any feelings at all.

    I think you should get together, long distance relationships work too!
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    Yeah that's true...

    We won't be getting together though.... although she is great and I do really care for her... I don't think I could be in a long-term relationship with her...

    I suppose that bolded section is what is making me think twice whether I truly like her... It's not because of her illness that I couldn't be with her, but just because of her personality... it is great.. but it's just not what I'm really looking for in the long-run.

    latot
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    Somehow reminds me of " A walk to remember".... Anyways its a bit of a tough decision, But you know ur young, If u have feelings for this girl u shouldn't question why they're there - If you get butterflies in ur stomach when u see her or speak to her then u like her and u guys should enjoy your time together..Just dont hurt her..
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    I'm going to hurt her though.... that's unavoidable.... just by going away in September again I'm going to hurt her....

    awk that whole "butterflies in your stomach" is only ever there when you first start dating someone and you dont know them - we are very comfortable with each other and know each other well

    latot
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    (Original post by latot)
    This isn't your regular old "I like girl Y but have problem X" - there's a BIG TWIST (indicated below) lol..... I'll give a bit of backstory and try to keep this as short as possible....

    This story is a bit on the long side, but I promise you it's a good read full of tears, laughter, romance, heartbreak, life and sadly, death. I've split it up into easy-to-read sections for your convenience


    *************************
    **BACKSTORY:1 MONTH AGO***
    *************************
    Just over a month ago I met up with this girl (we had only ever spoken by txt beforehand) - we met at a club and I went back to hers, we just cuddled and watched DVDs. Ever since then I've been going up to hers 1 or 2 nights every weekend and we'd watch DVDs, cuddle, and get really steamy (there has been no sex so far as neither of us has had a free house - but we both want it, BADLY).

    Anyway.. the pre-tense of our relationship was "friends that just have fun" as I don't live in my home town, I study in a different country and am only back for holiday periods. Thus I can't really have a relationship cos I dont want to do the long distance thing.


    *************************
    *******PRESENT DAY********
    *************************
    But as we spent more time with each other we both grew to have deeper feelings for each other. I'd always known she'd always had stronger feelings than me... but last night we started talking on the phone whilst we were in bed.............


    *************************
    ********BIG TWIST*********
    *************************
    Right... This girl is 18 (19 in 2 weeks) and I am 21.... When she was 14 the doctors gave her half a year to live because she has Goldenhar Syndrome; A very rare condition:- the parts of it she has are: malformed ears/deaf; undeveloped heart and lungs; scoliosis (crooked spine); and a few other things. This means that she is almost always in pain and very short of breath... and she knows herself, and has come to grips with, the fact that she does not have long left on this planet.

    *************************
    ********LAST NIGHT********
    *************************
    On with the story again... We were in bed talking...
    She was saying how she really really likes me, and that she'll never feel the same way about anyone and not have as much fun with anyone as she does with me. She was saying how me going back to uni will kill her, and although it will break her heart, she wants me to meet a girl over there.. she said she wants me to be happy, to live on with my life, and that I can do much better than her and how she is not the best and can't handle things anymore.....

    ... At this point I start crying.. crying because the idea of losing her was crushing to me... crying because I was afraid she was going to do something stupid (she's almost always in pain)... crying because I care about her... and crying because I'm confused....


    *************************
    *******THE PROBLEM********
    *************************
    I DO have feelings for her, and there is a strong chemistry between us - that much is apparent from our kisses - they get very passionate and there is definitely a spark there. And I really do care for her a lot.... The problem is... I don't know HOW MUCH I like her. I've only ever felt this strongly about someone before, and I loved her... so do I love this new girl?

    Why I'm confused is because of the type of person I am... I am always the Knight in Shining Armour.. I always want to help people and fix the world, and I sometimes empathise a little too much. I have conflicted feelings over whether I genuinely care for her as a person... or if I feel sorry for her and THATS what's causing me to care so much. She always tells me how much I mean to her, and how I'm such a big part in her life and how I'm the most decent guy she's ever been with...

    Do I genuinely like her? Or do I feel sorry for her? Or do I just not want to break her already-fragile heart?



    I know only I can answer these questions - but I'm interested in hearing people's thoughts, questions and idea - maybe they'll help me come to a conclusion?

    Sorry for the long post,

    latot
    omg i would strongly advise AGAINST it my ex told me he had a blood clot in his head and he was going to die in 6 weeks when i met him (7months ago) and other stufff too (kinda irrelevant) like how he mum and sister died and dad run away few years back etcetc and then when he started to tell me he loved me and needed me i felt so bad for him like i did like him abit yeah buh the reason i thought ok was cause i felt so bad and then every time we had a fight or something or nearly broke up he would suddenly bring up (oh i went to the hospital today they said i have till X and then the date would come and nothing would happen and it would keep on going, im not sayin your girls gonna do something like that but your gonna feel guilty about arguments and stuff and she might use her condition to feel sorry for her because that what my x did as well he said you know what find somebody else because im not going to be here very long and that mademe feel even more bad for him
    but anyway the girl your talking about seems nice and decent so she might never do that but then thats exactly what my ex was like to at the beginning
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    In harsh terms she is a ticking bomb, however I seem so attatched to her, if you walk away from her she may go over the edge as she may be fragile like that, yet I would stay with her and support her as you enjoy her company clearly and she needs you tbh
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    We're not together, and we never will be "a couple" - this is something we both know. And even when I do go back to uni, we will still be friends - that much we don't want to lose.

    Although we do have feelings for each other - we're trying not to get TOO attached and trying to stick to the original pretense of "close friends having some fun".


    @X-pri-X: She wouldn't do something like that... she says she has gotten used to the fact she has going to die.. and a part of her wants it cos she is fed up with constantly being ill or in pain or short of breath. She is religious as well, and thanks God for the time she's been given and for meeting me. I think she genuinely does want to see me happy... after all, if you truly love someone you want them to be happy.

    I need to clarify something everyone seems to be over-reading:

    We are not planning to "get together" at all - it is not in the equation. And once I do go back to uni we plan to remain in contact and be good friends.
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    (Original post by Gibb~)
    In harsh terms she is a ticking bomb, however I seem so attatched to her, if you walk away from her she may go over the edge as she may be fragile like that, yet I would stay with her and support her as you enjoy her company clearly and she needs you tbh
    She is quite fragile, but also strong.. it will upset her but she will pull through...

    She tried to commit suicide a few months ago.. but changed her mind as soon as it was too late... luckily she survived, and she said it's not something she'd ever ever do... and I believe her when she says that
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    I think you like her
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    I do like her lol - this much i've already established... awk well... we'll see where things go... life goes on at the end of the day
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    i think you are very brave
 
 
 
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