Anon or delete please. Sorry for the long post...
So, basically I've kinda fallen hard for one of my closest friends. He's really the only person I feel I can talk to about anything (except this), everybody else I've pretty much held at arms length (i.e, being friendly, going out etc, just not talked about anything personal with them). I won't bore you with the fact he is a really nice guy, but he is. The thing is... is that I'm a guy too.
Now, everybody thinks I'm straight (and I think I am most of the time, except for certain exemptions). Now, I don't really care about my sexuality, I hold the (rather tacky) view that you should just follow your heart wherever. It's just I really don't know what to do (I'm rather inexperienced with the whole relationship thing, which doesn't help).
He's my closest friend, and i really really don't want to lose that. Also, our group of friends is quite small in our area, so I see him literally every time we go out or do anything. Which means that if I say something and it goes wrong, it'd be hard to avoid him without giving up almost the entirety of my social life, which, again, I don't want.
So when I first realised I had feelings for him, I decided just to ignore it and try to move on. Since then we've only gotten closer, and my feelings have only grown unfortunately. I've watched him be used by this girl and helped him through it and just generally been there for him when he needs it (and vice versa), which can be hard at times when its anything to do with relationships (or lack there of). I do like doing it and being there for him, it just can be hard on me at times (which he doesn't realise)
Now most of the time nowadays I just manage to deal with it, ignore the feelings and just have fun (just finished college and going to uni in October). But if I'm alone for any prolonged periods I tend to end up thinking about him and imagining "what if...?", which can get me down, and occasionally I break down almost completely late at night especially if I'm really tired. And its getting to me.
I've messed up the starts of relationships before, and I really really don't want to do that again, except that I don't think this one could ever really work, and i'll end up blaming myself again. He used to make it quite clear that he was straight randomly in a conversation (while loosely tying it in), but he's stopped doing that now. We talk a lot each day, and usually see each other at least every other day. The conversations often drift on to how nice it would be to be to have someone (he usually explicitly says with a woman) when we're talking alone with each other, since quite a few in the group are preoccupied with their significant other. I just generally agree and comment about the lack of suitable girls that we know etc, but it really gets to me that he's wants someone, but not me
Now, I'm not 100% sure he doesn't like me that way, sometimes he'll say and do something that'll make me think he does, but then something that'll make me think he doesn't. An added problem is that there used to be a lot of joking talk about how "great a couple we would be if we were together" and stuff like that, which of course we both denied. Although he gets really quite upset at anyone who suggests it now, making me think it's hit a nerve or something. I dunno.
On top of that I sometimes feel really really bad about how I feel about him, as if I've betrayed his trust or something
I just really really don't know what to do! Do I tell him and risk destroying our friendship and making things really awkward? Or do I just keep my mouth shut and ignore it? I feel like if I don't say anything I'll regret it, yet if I do then it'll almost certainly ruin the last bit of summer...
Anyway, I just wanted to get it off my chest (I can't talk about it to anyone really), so yeah...
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