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    I have no idea where to start, but me and my boyfriend have been going out for 15 months or so now, and although that isn't long, and I know I'm young but I could see myself spending my life with him.
    But last October time, a girl he's always been best friends with (which was hard for me to accept, he was obsessed with her and what she thought on everything, and she always thought she was that much better than me) and him started talking on msn, and he told her that he secretly wanted to kiss and hold her and love her everytime he saw her, and that if he could marry two people he would marry her too, with urges to kiss her he couldn't live his life without her. I found out when I was on his computer and he hadn't closed the window, but he'd left his laptop at mine. I was beyond upset, I think I would have rather he had drunkenly kissed someone or something than that it broke my heart. I know I probably should have left him or something but he told me he was bored and stupid and loved me and yeah all that.

    I just about got over it all but recently he wants to see her again and has text her saying i miss you lets meet up. Its hard to hear your boyfriend missing another girl, but I said why not, as long as it was a lunchtime day thing. She decided she wanted to go out for drinks and clubbing which I wasn't happy with, hopefully understandably?

    Now while all of this is happening, he is stupidly controlling of me, insists we joint our emails and he looks at my phone, which is fine because I have nothing to hide, I'll point out not once have I ever cheated on him or said anything to anyone else. He asks me to tell him whenever I see other guys and why and for how long, which I do. He told me he would do the same.

    So due to the joint email, I saw he's been messaging her on facebook. Asking to meet up in secret. He's specifically told her not to tell me. He doesn't mind what they do but has said a night this week before she goes away. How the hell am I meant to react to that?! I was really upset when I read it, he wants everything from me, but can hide stuff? I tried to ask him to see him but he just says no, it's too much petrol when we're going camping this weekend. He doesn't know that i've seen the messages.

    SO i have no clue. Part of me wants to slap him and hurt him when I see him for messing me around, and just leave him without looking back.
    Part of me thinks i should let it happen, cause he's allowed and shes probably more interesting anyway.
    And then the horrible person in me wants to 'coinsidentally' turn up where they're meeting (because i can see the plans), and then leave him.

    I have no idea, i'm so confused, i'm sorry that was so long but any input would be amazing.
    Thank you so much if you read that, any questions ask i guess, i don't even know if that makes sense.
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    First of all...if I could give you a massive hug right now, I really would.
    Not a lot of people could put up with this tension for so long, I credit you for that.
    Relationships are about being equal, about trust and about honesty...from an outsider's point of view on this relationship, these three things are lacking and it isn't fair on your part that he allows himself to betray you whilst keeping tabs on everything you do.
    But I'm not the one in this relationship and I don't know your boyfriend personally.
    Only YOU can make a fair judgement on what to do and only you know what will make you happy if it means either finding a way to confront this and sort it (if he's not listening, you could resort to an ultimatum and test his loyalty. If he doesn't fight for you, is he really worth focusing all your love and attention on?) or just being strong, letting go and walking away until someone comes along with whom you can form a soli and trusting relationship.
    I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you-- you seem like a nice person and I'm sure you'll make the right choice.
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    you cud hire me to slap him..)
    i sort of understand where hes coming from because i hav a best friend whos a girl and i used to really really fancy..but he has a gf so really all his love should be on you..
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    I'm really sorry As the poster before said, I can't tell you what to do, only you know your boyfriend personally and how he is in relation to other things, but I know that I wouldn't put up with this... It's fine having a female friend and meeting up with her, but arranging this secret meeting and telling her not to tell you? That's very disrespectful. Personally, I would just break it off like that (not going to where they will meet), I wouldn't want to get into a massive argument because I think his behaviour really speaks for itself.... and then never look back It's really hard. Good luck!
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    I agree with x-Disenchanted-x. Imo, i think you should do the third thing and "coincidentally turn up" and dump him. Do it in style!! Maybe take a couple of girly friends for a little support, and boost? He deserves to be humiliated and having his ego basically partially destroyed lol .

    He seems to be overly controlling and yet slightly stupid or even ignorant in how he has these joint e-mails, etc, knowing full well you're going to see all of the plans he's making. Don't ignore it, because the longer you leave it, the more hurt it's going to cause for you.

    Get rid. I'm sure you're a lovely girl and there are plenty of guys out there who aren't complete *********, and you deserve better.
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    Tell him what you just told us, see what he has to say. Decide whether to keep him or to tell him to piss off.

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    Finding strength within yourself to do something which is going to change your life is extremely hard to do, I'm finding the same struggle as hard as ever. But there comes a point where, the feeling that you want to hang on becomes the strongest, because you fear the unknown, and, well, i think this time has come for you. You deserve to be treated with respect, as your own person, and not as his. And you certainly don't deserve to be put in this position. If I were you, I would turn up at this place, and break up with him. Maybe then, he might realise just what he has lost. If you find the strength to do that, then I will congratulate you for lifeeeeeee, I need to find the strength to do something similar and I just can't.
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    You don't deserve this, you really don't. It really frustrates me when girls are like "ooh my boyfriend has female friends, I'm so jealous I can't cope", but not only are you really fair (perhaps too much so) about your boyfriend and this girl but he is certainly not treating her like just a friend! A guy should be able to separate how he feels about you and how he feels about a friend, but saying he would marry her too if he could? That's ridiculous. I can understand forgiving him once, but can you really carry on like this? I know I couldn't. You deserve to feel special, like the most important girl in his life and he isn't making you feel like that. Added to this its certainly not an equal relationship in terms of trust and what you are and are not sharing. I know breaking up with someone you care about is so much easier said than done, but you need to be strong. I'm normally for taking the "high road" but to be honest I think you showing up at their meeting place (perhaps as Vinay suggested with a few mates) and telling him what for might actually make you feel quite empowered and make it easier. However you choose to do it though, I think you've given him a chance and he's blown it!
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    Echoing what others have already said, obviously all I'm going on is the information you've given, but it sounds like a ridiculous situation. IMO you have every right to be a bit concerned about him meeting a girl, let alone one you have caught him to talking to AND when he's denying it's going to happen and going behind your back. It's also totally unfair that he expects you to tell him everything about talking to guys or whatever and yet he thinks he can do the exact opposite. You deserve better.
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    First of all i dont even know you but i know anyone deserves better. you should confront him, tell him he's beyond an idiot and leave him. honestly its hard, my sister has been in a similar situation. More importantly though, its just ridoculous and no man can treat you like that!! You really do deserve better sweet.
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    He is having his cake, and eating it.

    Joint emails? WTF is that? Joint accounts = normal. Do you have a bloody joint post as well so he can read it? Or do you just forward your mail onto him to approve before you get it?

    My god, please please please look at what he's doing. HES BEEN GOING OUT WITH YOU FOR 15 MONTHS AND HAS BEEN SECRETLY MEETING A GIRL HE FANCIES MORE THAN YOU BY HIS OWN ADMISSION.

    *cough*

    I really hope you ditch him, when you get a proper guy who treats you with some level of respect and dignity you will look back at this and wonder why you put up with it for so long.
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    Sounds like you've put up with a lot. Don't let anyone control you like that. He's had his chance and he's blown it. You deserve better.
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    Get rid. You seem like a really nice girl, and well frankly, he seems like a wee anchor! Having girl friends is normal. Arranging to secretly meet them, tell them you'd marry them etc? Not normal. And isn't it funny how you're the one who's not trusted.. That's because people who cheat are constantly accusing the other half of doing the same, as in his mind, if he's capable why wouldn't you be. So he's shown his true colours hasn't he!
    I know it's hard to break up with someone you love, but there comes a time when you have to realise no matter how much you love him, he's not treating you nicely and you deserve better. You'll get over him eventually.
    Also, looking at the responses here, you can see there are guys giving advice and saying the same thing, so don't let him make you think you're being a silly, paranoid girl, because you're not! You're completely in the right to feel the way you do.
    Hope everything turns out well for ya.
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    Please get rid of him, stand up for yourself, you don't deserve this, even if you love him...

    You really don't deserve this, no one does! I know 15 months is a long time but he has overstepped the boundary and you know he is doing wrong because he is getting insecure about what you are doing and a person only does that when they are paranoid because they are doing it themselves..

    There is only an amount of pain a person should be feeling because of someone, I am one of those people who have stood there and taken the pain my boyfriend had caused, but this is just beyond what happened with me, I feel your pain and just hope you can do it (leave him) for your sake
    • #2
    #2

    A few years ago, when I was still in my first year at college I started going out with someone. At first it was great, and then I found out that he was doing pretty much the same thing as your boyfriend. In my case he was also rather abusive, but that's a completely different issue.

    I put up with his s*** for about a year and then one night decided that it would be me who went into town to have a good night out. We also used the same e-mail account (although at 17, God knows why) so he quickly worked out where I was going....I thought he was going to work, but when I didn't answer my phone when he called me, he left work and trailed through every pub and club in the town centre to find me and take me home. I was so outraged that I broke up with him there and then...


    I know none of that will be particularly relevant to you at the minute, but I just wanted to try and explain that in a relationship like the one you seem to be in, at some point it's inevitable that one day a line will be crossed and you will see that you deserve so much better. I promise you, when this day comes you wont have to battle with your conscience anymore and you will realise that you will be better off without him.
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    Go up to him and do one of the following :

    1) SPIT IN HIS FACE!!! (add a small slap with that)

    2) Light a cigar and blow the smoke in his face ( add a small slap with that)


    kk seriously, i think you deserve better. he obviously is showing that he has feelings for that girl so just go tell him that you don't think this will work out because he is hiding secrets from you and is probably cheating on you. do it now before he hurts.

    YOU DESERVE BETTER!! :yes:
    • #1
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    Thank you all for replying, I know I do want to just pack up and leave him but it's seems so hard! I have no idea if he wants to actually kiss her in person or anything, or if they're going to just talk, so won't I then look pretty stupid if they just talk, and nothing happens? Making me the one that doesn't trust him?
    Or maybe let it just pass, this one time? Let him know I know, and do it, but if it happens again then it's over?
    Breaking up would be so hard, handing stuff back would be handing over my life
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you all for replying, I know I do want to just pack up and leave him but it's seems so hard! I have no idea if he wants to actually kiss her in person or anything, or if they're going to just talk, so won't I then look pretty stupid if they just talk, and nothing happens? Making me the one that doesn't trust him?
    Or maybe let it just pass, this one time? Let him know I know, and do it, but if it happens again then it's over?
    Breaking up would be so hard, handing stuff back would be handing over my life

    ur only choice is to try sneaking up on him. try hide behind something ( i am sure u will come up with something ). if he starts kissing her then go up to him and spit in his face and walk. if he doesn't do anything then leave and don't tell him that u sneaked up on him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you all for replying, I know I do want to just pack up and leave him but it's seems so hard! I have no idea if he wants to actually kiss her in person or anything, or if they're going to just talk, so won't I then look pretty stupid if they just talk, and nothing happens? Making me the one that doesn't trust him?
    Or maybe let it just pass, this one time? Let him know I know, and do it, but if it happens again then it's over?
    Breaking up would be so hard, handing stuff back would be handing over my life
    I dont' think it even matters if he kisses her or not - he is deliberatly lying to you - he is meeting up with another girl in secret - how can you trust anyone that does stuff like that - not to mention its not 'this one time'. He's already crossed the line with this girl in the past by telling her he wanted to get with her!!!! Look I know how you feel - i broke up with someone after a 4year relationship - trust me it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but he didn't like me having my own friends or going out without him and thats just not right. You need to realise that this relationship is unhealthy, and that if he gets away with it once, he's just going to keep doing it. If it was happening to one of your friends you'd tell her to get rid!!!

    PS Please get rid of the joint e-mail thing - that is just so wrong on so many levels.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you all for replying, I know I do want to just pack up and leave him but it's seems so hard! I have no idea if he wants to actually kiss her in person or anything, or if they're going to just talk, so won't I then look pretty stupid if they just talk, and nothing happens? Making me the one that doesn't trust him?
    Or maybe let it just pass, this one time? Let him know I know, and do it, but if it happens again then it's over?
    Breaking up would be so hard, handing stuff back would be handing over my life
    I don't think it matters whether he even kisses her or not.
    The fact that he has sent those messages, and that he is secretly meeting up with her implies that he has a lot of feelings towards you, and that isn't fair to you at all.
    I think you should get rid of him straight away.
    He's allowed to meet girls privately, but he doesn't let you meet guys, without telling him? That's not right. He's just controlling your relationship!
    I think you should coincidentally turn up to where he is meeting her, bring friends to back you up, or for support, and just break up with him there and then.
    I know it seems really hard, now, but I'm sure after you have done it, you will feel so much better. You don't need problems like this in your relationship. :no:
    Good luck! :hugs:
 
 
 
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