Turn on thread page Beta

I feel like i have no personality watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Please keep anoymous or delete.
    Maybe its down to a variety of things like - having lots of bad relationships with guys ever since i started dating (15), a strict controlling dad, a passive mum who always pleases others and never does anything for herself and lets people treat her like crap and me being a middle child.

    But i have realised that most of the time i don't feel relaxed or comfortable doing almost anything and things never come into my head to say to people. When someone says something or does something i think about what i could/should do or say instead of just doing/saying something naturally. I have just finished my first year at uni and go out with friends quite alot, i have improved but would like to improve further. I think my problem is that i want people to like me and i have low confidence and also being confused about who i really am.
    Drinking makes me feel worse, sometimes when im anxious and i drink, it just makes me sick after a few alcopops.

    I have smoked weed a few times (obviously don't want to make it a habit as i want to feel like i can just be who i am without relying on something) and that has really helped. I just thought of lots of things to say and felt really comfortable and relaxed and just happy in myself that i didn't even think about how i look to other people, i was just able to be myself.

    So my question is, how can i change? if you can think of any particular books or techniques to try i would appreciate it, thanks.
    • #2
    #2

    Read some books about BPD.

    http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publi...et/index.shtml

    My dad's controlling, my mum's dismissive & I had a strange childhood. I empathise with you a lot.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please keep anoymous or delete.
    Maybe its down to a variety of things like - having lots of bad relationships with guys ever since i started dating (15), a strict controlling dad, a passive mum who always pleases others and never does anything for herself and lets people treat her like crap and me being a middle child.

    But i have realised that most of the time i don't feel relaxed or comfortable doing almost anything and things never come into my head to say to people. When someone says something or does something i think about what i could/should do or say instead of just doing/saying something naturally. I have just finished my first year at uni and go out with friends quite alot, i have improved but would like to improve further. I think my problem is that i want people to like me and i have low confidence and also being confused about who i really am.
    Drinking makes me feel worse, sometimes when im anxious and i drink, it just makes me sick after a few alcopops.

    I have smoked weed a few times (obviously don't want to make it a habit as i want to feel like i can just be who i am without relying on something) and that has really helped. I just thought of lots of things to say and felt really comfortable and relaxed and just happy in myself that i didn't even think about how i look to other people, i was just able to be myself.

    So my question is, how can i change? if you can think of any particular books or techniques to try i would appreciate it, thanks.
    keep on at uni, trust me you will get better
    and when you leave uni, find your own place
    your parents and fam are the problem. leave the problem, and make your own life
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I have had similar feelings as you and I think the best thing for it is counselling.

    Other than that, try to think positively and try not to think about what might be wrong with you.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by 9MmBulletz)
    keep on at uni, trust me you will get better
    and when you leave uni, find your own place
    your parents and fam are the problem. leave the problem, and make your own life
    I havn't lived with my family for a year
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Read some books about BPD.

    http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publi...et/index.shtml

    My dad's controlling, my mum's dismissive & I had a strange childhood. I empathise with you a lot.
    What makes you think i have borderline personality disorder?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Don't worry about it, I often feel like this too (especially when it doesn't go well with a girl), but the fact I remember is that this is a weird time in your life. The person you are now is a lot more hormonal, self reflective, quiet, shy, outwardly awkward than you probably were as a child or will be as an adult. Just keep working at it if you feel you really want to and stay around your friends, the people who know you as just you. Trying to be something you're not will only make you feel worse. Just try and live your life and make sure you're happy and people will radiate towards that
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What makes you think i have borderline personality disorder?
    "Maybe its down to a variety of things like - having lots of bad relationships with guys ever since i started dating (15), a strict controlling dad, a passive mum who always pleases others and never does anything for herself and lets people treat her like crap and me being a middle child.

    But i have realised that most of the time i don't feel relaxed or comfortable doing almost anything and things never come into my head to say to people. When someone says something or does something i think about what i could/should do or say instead of just doing/saying something naturally. I have just finished my first year at uni and go out with friends quite alot, i have improved but would like to improve further. I think my problem is that i want people to like me and i have low confidence and also being confused about who i really am.
    Drinking makes me feel worse, sometimes when im anxious and i drink, it just makes me sick after a few alcopops.

    I have smoked weed a few times (obviously don't want to make it a habit as i want to feel like i can just be who i am without relying on something) and that has really helped. I just thought of lots of things to say and felt really comfortable and relaxed and just happy in myself that i didn't even think about how i look to other people, i was just able to be myself."

    That's why. I'm not saying it to be malicious or anything.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by afc1886)
    Don't worry about it, I often feel like this too (especially when it doesn't go well with a girl), but the fact I remember is that this is a weird time in your life. The person you are now is a lot more hormonal, self reflective, quiet, shy, outwardly awkward than you probably were as a child or will be as an adult. Just keep working at it if you feel you really want to and stay around your friends, the people who know you as just you. Trying to be something you're not will only make you feel worse. Just try and live your life and make sure you're happy and people will radiate towards that
    I don't want to carry on who i am now though. I want to be able to actually act normally and feel like i can be myself. Right now im not
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Ok then but I feel just working on a few things is the best option as opposed to 'stop being who you want to be' as such. I can't really give you any advice on what to change but just work on self confidence throughout the day rather than focus on what you're not doing. I hope you get to where you want to be
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by afc1886)
    Ok then but I feel just working on a few things is the best option as opposed to 'stop being who you want to be' as such. I can't really give you any advice on what to change but just work on self confidence throughout the day rather than focus on what you're not doing. I hope you get to where you want to be
    why would i stop being who i want to be?

    do you have any confidence building tips?
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    Well, the key to "finding" your nature and personality is not to push yourself to do things that work for others. They might not work for you. Definitely stop smoking weed and drinking, it's not doing you any good. Usually people find their personalities coming to the surface when they do things they naturally enjoy. Try to think about what you're attracted to e.g. sports, travelling, food, books, movies, etc. all these things are designed with different people in mind and that's why you should try to find a combination of things that represent you and no-one else.

    Notice what you like, say a certain song or artist, and try to let yourself inside the culture bubble of that style. You could also try being part of different cultural groups and see if anything clicks with you.

    If nothing works, then maybe this is exactly your personality: flexible, laid-back, shy or whatever. It doesn't have to be something bad, after all, maybe you're trying too hard and that's what makes you feel that you're doing something unnatural.

    But most importantly, hang out with people you feel 100% comfotable with. Most often people act in ways they don't want to because of the company.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    sounds like you over think/analyse things, with a dash of inferiority complex

    being a middle child wont help either .."middle child syndrome" lol im a middle child i know your pain
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I'm just coming to the end (I hope!) of a similar problem. While you think the problem is you being personalityless it's not realy (well, it wasn't for me...) My problem was I didn't know what I really wanted or what I really thought was important in life - it's just not something you think about normally. You assume that what everyone else seems to be is what you should be, and try to make yourself in to the stereotype but if you don't know what you want how do you know you aren't it?

    I've never had a relationship (I'm 24 and have no reason not), have few friends (who all but one were absolutely useless when I was down) but having thought about lots of things I find my life virtually unchanged yet I'm far happier in myself. Going out and getting drunk in a bar/club where you can't hear yourself think isn't fun (to me) so I don't. Just because "everyone" has a girlfriend I don't need one. "Everyone" gets piercings and tattoos - I don't want them. The sense of reassurance that I really am being me totally overpowers any thought that I lack personality as I really am, as you may well be, a quiet and laid back person.

    Whether this "inner happiness" will make any difference next time I'm out with lots of people remains to be seen, but I've been far more talkative at work and life is just more fun although absolutely nothing has changed. Taking up hobbies probably works too, if only because it takes your mind off the problem but at the end of the day it might still be there.

    I hope you can find a similar state of happiness, all that is really required is to not think you are everyone else - be proud that you are you
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Anyone else?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Read some books about BPD.

    http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publi...et/index.shtml

    My dad's controlling, my mum's dismissive & I had a strange childhood. I empathise with you a lot.
    Whoahh same here. o.O
    This is a strange pattern...

    Edit: I don't really have any advice, need it myself. I couldn't empathise more, though. Life story ftw.
    Offline

    7
    ReputationRep:
    Cut the drugs...find a new hobby that you can take up (e.g. exercise, learn a musical instrument etc.) Passing the time doing something you might enjoy more than just drowning in your sorrow and getting sick (thus making you not enjoy yourself) could be of some benefit in building self confidence especially if you can become very good at whatever you try to do.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Confused_Jim)
    I'm just coming to the end (I hope!) of a similar problem. While you think the problem is you being personalityless it's not realy (well, it wasn't for me...) My problem was I didn't know what I really wanted or what I really thought was important in life - it's just not something you think about normally. You assume that what everyone else seems to be is what you should be, and try to make yourself in to the stereotype but if you don't know what you want how do you know you aren't it?

    I've never had a relationship (I'm 24 and have no reason not), have few friends (who all but one were absolutely useless when I was down) but having thought about lots of things I find my life virtually unchanged yet I'm far happier in myself. Going out and getting drunk in a bar/club where you can't hear yourself think isn't fun (to me) so I don't. Just because "everyone" has a girlfriend I don't need one. "Everyone" gets piercings and tattoos - I don't want them. The sense of reassurance that I really am being me totally overpowers any thought that I lack personality as I really am, as you may well be, a quiet and laid back person.

    Whether this "inner happiness" will make any difference next time I'm out with lots of people remains to be seen, but I've been far more talkative at work and life is just more fun although absolutely nothing has changed. Taking up hobbies probably works too, if only because it takes your mind off the problem but at the end of the day it might still be there.

    I hope you can find a similar state of happiness, all that is really required is to not think you are everyone else - be proud that you are you
    The thing is, is that i used to be different. I had 2 really close friends when i was younger and we would just laugh all the time and go out loads and i could just say whatever came to my mind, and i wasn't quiet when i was around them.
    I think my problems started when i was about 15ish. My best friend moved to another country, my parents were getting seperated and i had a boyfriend that lied and cheated on me, another friend knew he cheated and lied to me saying my bf hadn't. This all happened within a space of about 1-2 years. Since then i have had about 4 boyfriends. One of them i was with a long time, about 2 years, and i really opened up to him, i felt comfortable around him and i could just say what i thought and felt without feeling like i couldnt. I had trust problems with him though due to experiences with guys before him.

    So it seems that i am who i am deep down, but i have so many insecurities and my mood and thinking has got so negative, it doesn't allow me to show my true colours anymore.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please keep anoymous or delete.
    Maybe its down to a variety of things like - having lots of bad relationships with guys ever since i started dating (15), a strict controlling dad, a passive mum who always pleases others and never does anything for herself and lets people treat her like crap and me being a middle child.

    But i have realised that most of the time i don't feel relaxed or comfortable doing almost anything and things never come into my head to say to people. When someone says something or does something i think about what i could/should do or say instead of just doing/saying something naturally. I have just finished my first year at uni and go out with friends quite alot, i have improved but would like to improve further. I think my problem is that i want people to like me and i have low confidence and also being confused about who i really am.
    Drinking makes me feel worse, sometimes when im anxious and i drink, it just makes me sick after a few alcopops.

    I have smoked weed a few times (obviously don't want to make it a habit as i want to feel like i can just be who i am without relying on something) and that has really helped. I just thought of lots of things to say and felt really comfortable and relaxed and just happy in myself that i didn't even think about how i look to other people, i was just able to be myself.

    So my question is, how can i change? if you can think of any particular books or techniques to try i would appreciate it, thanks.

    You DO have a personality. You lack confidence. Acknowledge the difference now please. :yes:

    As for building confidence accept that it can take time and then relax. Don't be upset with yourself for not being immediately the brightest social butterfly when you haven't liked yourself for a long time.

    The easiest (and scariest) way to build up self-confidence is to set yourself challenges. It can be anything really but something you want to achieve which is quite hard but not impossible. If you keep achieving things which you want you just naturally become more confident and have more faith in who you are, believe me it works. Although you must acknowledge when you have achieved something you consider worthwhile and be happy with yourself. Hope this helps.

    Also I agree with the people saying cut the drink and drugs....these aren't innately bad things (in my opinion) but they don't seem to be enhancing your life.

    Also, another piece of advice, no one has it all figured out you know, there are some people who are more comfortable in their own skin than others but this is usually a learning curve. You're not the only one struggling with their identity or soul or meaning - these are age old questions. So please relax because you're not boring or a freak or whatever else you might think (I don't know) you do have a personality and if you keep active and curious about the world and people in it then you'll become interesting and more comfortable with yourself, especially as you already have a good level of self-awareness.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So it seems that i am who i am deep down, but i have so many insecurities and my mood and thinking has got so negative, it doesn't allow me to show my true colours anymore.
    So what is it you think you lost? The childish ability to not mind looking stupid? Doesn't sound a bad thing to me... Not everyone is as talkative as you feel you need to be - is that really you or have you just grown up? Don't think about what you should say, if you have nothing to say don't say anything! When something comes up you do have an opinion on be sure to say it or you'll seem dull, but saying nothing calmly is better than saying nothing while getting worked up thinking about it.

    People do like you as you are or you wouldn't be going out with friends "quite alot" - don't forget that
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: July 24, 2010
Poll
How are you feeling in the run-up to Results Day 2018?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.