Turn on thread page Beta

boyfriend never seems keen for me to go out with him watch

    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    I'm not really sure if i need advice but opinions are welcome!

    I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half yet most times when he goes out for the night, i never get an invite and on some occasions I've actually asked him if i could come along and he always seems a bit iffy about it. I never really understood why cos i rarely get drunk, or go out very often and I'm not exactly the loud one, or the idiot of the group, i'm fairly shy anyway and normally spend the night chatting to friends and having a dance.

    Anyway, the other week he went out, when i finished work i txt him asking where he was cos i was up for coming out for a bit, i got a ton of excuses but in the end i went. As soon as i got there he started belittling me infront of a couple of friends cos the week before a few of us went bowling, it was a bit last minute and i hadn't had time to eat so after a couple glasses of wine i was tipsy but in no uncertain terms did i make an idiot out of myself, just made a joke of it and had a good night. He kept saying i wasn't allowed to drink and i embarassed him, i actually ended up apologising to the friends we were with that night and the response was 'nah you were fine, it was funny'... so i don't really get why he was making out like i was being some sort of drunken idiot, i went to bed as soon as we got home and just remember going a bit quiet cos it made me really tiered.

    It pissed me off a bit but i let it go and had a few drinks. As i said before i don't drink very often and rarely to the point where i can barely stand, this night was no different. I had a couple bottles of beer and we moved to another bar, my boyfriend ignored me for most of the night, and eventually completely disappeared, i found a few of them in another bar, and he was talking to a couple of regulars in the bar where he works. Other people wanted to go to a club so i went over to him to tell him what was happening, he never acknowledged me or introduced me to the girl he was talking to and i felt like a bit of a numpty, so on our way out of the bar i nudged him in the ribs and he went off on one, shouting at me in the street, it escalated into a huge row cos i was fed up of being belittled infront of people and ignored by my own boyfriend.

    He kept saying i couldnt handle my drink, which i already know, hence why i dont drink to excess, by that point I'd had 2 coronas, and 2 vodka redbulls, tipsy but in no way was I off my face. He had been out drinking atleast 4 hours before I even found them in town and from the way he spoke I'm guessing he was more inebriated than I was.

    Anyway, we talk the next day and he says I always cause arguments when i go out with him, which is so untrue. The last time we had an argument like that on a night out was over a year ago and that wasnt even down to either of us being drunk as I had come from work and stuck to soft drinks, he was being an arse to me before I even met him that night and I confronted him about it on the way home.

    Basically its left me feeling a bit **** cos he makes out that I embarass him and he wants time with his mates, fair enough we both work, I have uni so i don't always go out with him, yet he still makes a big deal on the rare occasion that I can come out. I'm sick of being made to feel like an idiot when he's the one being unreasonable then making fun of me because i don't go out as often as everyone else we know. He knows I'm no fan of binge drinking, but then picks on me when i get tipsy after 2 glasses of wine. I'm sure if i was the opposite and was binge drinking as often as the rest of his mates, he wouldn't be any happier about the situation.

    I don't really know what to do other than next time we go out, avoid the drink just to prove to him that I don't need it and we can have a decent night out together without all the drama. He makes me feel like I'm some sort of angry drunk, and I know I'm not, its just the way he acts towards me on nights out really pisses me off whether ive had a drink or not, especially when he feels the need to put me down infront of everyone... and then he wonders why we have the odd argument about it.

    sorry for the essay.. but forums make good places for venting lol
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    Stop going to bars with your bf. Go out to other non-alcohol related places.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    Lolwut, your boyfriend is an idiot, why are you with him?
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    kinda hard not to go to bars on a night out with mates... its not the alcohol thats a problem it's him being funny about me going out then making me feel like I'm some sort of drunken cow when he's acted like a **** and pissed me off. This is the second argument we've had in a year and a half, but he always seems so reluctant to invite me out with him even tho he knows I won't drink excessively.

    Hes very quick to poinbt out I havent made a huge group of friends since moving away to uni but shows no consideration when he goes galavanting off with his friends and leaves me at home on my own, i did point this out to him and he did appologise and said he could do more to make me feel more included in things. We both have time with our own friends, but if im honest, i do get lonely cos i don't have a big group of people I can rely on, the friends i did make graduated this summer and have moved away so its not like i can just meet up with them anymore.

    The point is, he's made me feel like when we are both out together, i drink too much and cause an argument on purpose, which is not the case at all and i explained why already.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    Why are you with him?
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    because generally he isn't at all like this, we get on great together but its this one thing with socialising he jsut seems so reluctant to do and it bugs me.

    I've made it sound like hes out all the time but he isn't, he works full time so doesn't have as much opportunity to let of steam, but on the occasions when he does I never get a look in, fair enough if he stays after work for a pint or two I'm not fussed, but on big nights out with friends it's always one girl who invites me and never him.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    He belittles you in front of friends, doesn't willingly invite you out, and makes you feel like you're in the wrong when you know you aren't. It doesn't matter that he's not like this all the time, making you feel like this even some of the time is bad enough. If someone's not treating you as well as you deserve, you've got to either give them an ultimatum or break up with them. Please don't put up with being treated badly.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    You say you don't know if you want advice, but opinions are welcome. My opinion is: wow, he's got a girlfriend who likes Corona and is treating her like this? Shame on him!
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    sounds like he doesnt want you there so he can chat up girls, darling. im sorry but i cant be the only one thinking this. hes trying to make you look like **** on his shoe infront of his mates so if he is chatting up a girl he can say "well you saw the girlfriend" etc. sorry, sweety x
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    I guess the best idea would be to chat to him about how you feel he belittles you in front of people and doesnt treat you well on a night out, when you're both calm and havent been drinking (Im not trying to say the alcohol influences you but sounds like it might influence him). I can understand that it must be really frustrating but if you try and confront him at the time sounds like he will just have more ammunition for his 'you always cause arguments' line.

    There is a chance he doesnt realise how he's treating you, he could just be carried away talking to other people etc and doesnt realise he's ignoring you. And he could think he's just joking around when he makes out you're an embarassment. Maybe try and work out an arrangement for when you go on a night out, like a couple of times a month or something, so he's getting time with his mates but your getting to go out too.

    Good luck with sorting it out anyway.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    tl:dr Maybe he wants to get with other girls while you're not there?
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    Cheers toddlers, we did chat the day after and i did explain how i felt when he does certain things etc but on the other side of the coin... i need to make more of an effort with the people we both know. I went through a bad experience last summer, became very withdrawn, depressed etc and didn't go out, avoided people etc I guess maybe he sees it as because I don't socialise with these people very often, he maybe thinks I don't want to go out with them so doesn't invite me. I admitted to him i need to make more of an effort so I don't get so lonely when he's working etc, but with so much coursework and a job, it's hard to try and go out when everyone else does.

    Anyway, he acknowledged how i felt and is currently on holiday in Spain with his dad, so with a week apart, i hope he has time to think about things and fingers crossed when he gets back things might improve. He does work some savage hours cos hes a bar supervisor so obviously the long hours, late nights et do tire him out so he generally spends his days off sleeping but i did say once a month both of us need to make an effort to do something, dinner, cinema, meet up with everyone etc just to spend time together.

    I do feel like i rely on him to much, so things like this get blown out of proportion like they did in the row so tharts something I have agreed to work on so arguments like this wont happen for silly reasons.

    As for the belittling, i can take ajoke like the next person, but sometimes it does feel like it isn't a joke and I don't know how to deal with it without making our friends feel awkward or by causing an argument. He did call me 'just a flatmate' the night we went bowling and i said to him if thats how he feels he has to tell me but he said it was a joke because we hardly see each other... he has a point to be honest. We share a flat and a bed... and not much else at the moment because of our jobs, it's just a nightmare trying to arrange things when we both work random shifts.

    As for chatting up other girls.. i doubt it very much. He's pretty shy when it comes to girls and took him nearly 3 months to ask me out, plus the people he goes out with are friends of mine too and he wouldnt even risk doing **** like that cos I would definately know about it. They all stick together as a group on their nights out, plus we live together so its not like he can bring girls back here, or shag anyone with our mates around and he always comes home at the end of the night so i really doubt it very much. I'm not gonna sit at home being all paranoid, i know our friends well enough.. hell when he walked one girl home (she lived near us and has a boyfriend) i was getting txts from our mate cos she thought they were up to stuff lol, as it turns out, her boyfriend was waiting for her at home... so yeh.. def not cheating, not fussed if he has the odd flirt, hell we all do it but yeh... funny how people always assume guys are cheating.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    He's probably ashamed ..
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    of me?... thanks...
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I think he might have another girlfriend, or maybe he just likes to flirt with other girls.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Sikthchick)
    Cheers toddlers, we did chat the day after and i did explain how i felt when he does certain things etc but on the other side of the coin... i need to make more of an effort with the people we both know. I went through a bad experience last summer, became very withdrawn, depressed etc and didn't go out, avoided people etc I guess maybe he sees it as because I don't socialise with these people very often, he maybe thinks I don't want to go out with them so doesn't invite me. I admitted to him i need to make more of an effort so I don't get so lonely when he's working etc, but with so much coursework and a job, it's hard to try and go out when everyone else does.

    Anyway, he acknowledged how i felt and is currently on holiday in Spain with his dad, so with a week apart, i hope he has time to think about things and fingers crossed when he gets back things might improve. He does work some savage hours cos hes a bar supervisor so obviously the long hours, late nights et do tire him out so he generally spends his days off sleeping but i did say once a month both of us need to make an effort to do something, dinner, cinema, meet up with everyone etc just to spend time together.

    I do feel like i rely on him to much, so things like this get blown out of proportion like they did in the row so tharts something I have agreed to work on so arguments like this wont happen for silly reasons.

    As for the belittling, i can take ajoke like the next person, but sometimes it does feel like it isn't a joke and I don't know how to deal with it without making our friends feel awkward or by causing an argument. He did call me 'just a flatmate' the night we went bowling and i said to him if thats how he feels he has to tell me but he said it was a joke because we hardly see each other... he has a point to be honest. We share a flat and a bed... and not much else at the moment because of our jobs, it's just a nightmare trying to arrange things when we both work random shifts.

    As for chatting up other girls.. i doubt it very much. He's pretty shy when it comes to girls and took him nearly 3 months to ask me out, plus the people he goes out with are friends of mine too and he wouldnt even risk doing **** like that cos I would definitely know about it. They all stick together as a group on their nights out, plus we live together so its not like he can bring girls back here, or shag anyone with our mates around and he always comes home at the end of the night so i really doubt it very much. I'm not gonna sit at home being all paranoid, i know our friends well enough.. hell when he walked one girl home (she lived near us and has a boyfriend) i was getting txts from our mate cos she thought they were up to stuff lol, as it turns out, her boyfriend was waiting for her at home... so yeh.. def not cheating, not fussed if he has the odd flirt, hell we all do it but yeh... funny how people always assume guys are cheating.
    You seem to be making excuses for him. The fact that you had a rough time last year and became withdrawn does not justify him excluding you. It sounds like you DO make the effort to go out and socialise, but are hampered by him making you feel unwelcome. You say you've agreed to try to rely on him less, but what has he agreed to do for you?
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by FashionADDICT)
    He's probably ashamed ..

    Yeah, thats what i think.

    The guy doesn't seem to want his girlfriend around when he is out with his mate. you need to ask him why.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by looosey)
    You seem to be making excuses for him. The fact that you had a rough time last year and became withdrawn does not justify him excluding you. It sounds like you DO make the effort to go out and socialise, but are hampered by him making you feel unwelcome. You say you've agreed to try to rely on him less, but what has he agreed to do for you?
    I don't think i'm making excuses, not intentionally, it's just the situation we are in with our jobs and me at uni. Our schedules really conflict a lot of the time and I hhave noticed that I'm more inclined to go out when he does.

    I do make an effort to go out sometimes, but generally for hte last year or so, I make plans and then cancel at the last minute... so on my part I need to make an effort to do my own thing and not jump into action just because he is going out too.

    He agreed to involve me more when he goes out with our friends and has invited me to The Specials gig in November since the row so if we can get tickets in time it would be really nice. We've both acknowledged that we both need to alter the way we do things so it wasn't just me finding ways to put up with the situation.

    I agree tho, just because I had a rough time doesn't mean its ok for him to behave like he does sometimes, but he went through it too. I've posted things on here about it before so if you search hard enough you will find out what it was anyway, so I might as well say but basically last summer I had an abortion, he was the father and stood by me through the whole thing. I don't want to get into a debate about it but since that day he never spoke to anyone about it, and he told me something after the row which I had no clue about and he'd been keeping it to himself all this time and ity was really cutting him up.

    I;m not for one second using the abortion as an excuse for the way things are, but we have had to overcome a lot of guilt and such since, some areas of our relationship have got better, others not so much but I think we still have a lot of things to work through. He isn't a complete ******, i mean he could have walked out at anytime when I told him I was pregnant but he chose to stay with me and work through it together. I have noticed tho that when he is stressed about something, it tends to come out in other areas of his life, like when his grandad died, he was going out a lot to blow off steam and spent a lot of time on his own. I always said to him I was there to talk and I can remember him crying on my shoulder once but that has been the only time I've ever seen him let it out.

    As for being ashamed of me, i honestly cant see why, if i was loud and annoying on nights out, or got myself into a state, fair enough I could understand that, but I'm quite timid and like i said before i spend the night chatting to people, have a dance and just chill out. The other girls in the group are way more outgoing that I am but at the same time it's not like I'm clinging onto him for dear life.

    I do wonder if being around him on nights out and stuff reminds him or the stuff we went through, he tends to worry about me drinking not in a binge drinking sense, but just generally and is sometimes quite 'father' like to me, making sure I'm on my best behaviour and such which usually ends up in him belittling me infront of people, maybe he feels a little held back if I'm around if he has to make sure I'm ok.. I dunno, sounds a bit contradictive to my first post, i really have no clue why he is so reluctant.. but next time he acts like that I will ask him.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    He's probably ashamed of you, maybe he doesn't think you're attractive or nice enough and would be embarrassed being seen with you.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    lol bit of an assumption there cows...
    if he didnt think i was attractive or nice enough then he wouldnt have asked me out, or asked me to move in with him a year ago, or have moved into a new place with me last month.. surely that would have been a good time to jump ship at the end of our last tenancy...

    I do think maybe he feels a bit limited to what he can do on a night out, not in a chat girls up sense, maybe he does, i don't know, im not gonna keep tabs on the guy and have no proof so no point jumping to conclusions. But I know, I act differently when Im out and he's not around, again i don't go out to chat guys up, but i tend to be more outgoing when he isn't there and i know if i'm on the dancefloor for an hour with a mate, he's not gonna get embarassed watching me dance lol maybe it is just that, he can relax a bit more when im not around, again like i said, will ask him.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: July 30, 2009
Poll
How are you feeling in the run-up to Results Day 2018?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.