Quick points- I'm anon because there are people that I know personally on these forums, and I don't want to openly declare this stuff to them (some of them already have a decent idea of this stuff already, but that's because I'm telling them selectively).
This is also not a troll, or anything of the sort, and I'd really appreciate useful answers/ideas, not idiotic ****.
Also, I'm male (you'll see why this is relevant).
OK, here goes.
I've just finished university. When I was halfway through my second year (of my 3 year degree), I met a fresher, who was really cool. I thought she was gorgeous, and really cool, we got on really well. However, I didn't do anything about it for a whole year-and-a-half because she always seemed unavailable; initially it was because she had a boyfriend, but through my final year, it was because she had decided that she was a lesbian.
Her being a lesbian made a lot of sense to her, it was just natural to her. However, in April, we were sitting around whilst taking a break from revision, and she told me she liked me, and that confused her. I told her I liked her as well. The next day, we slept together. That began a very good, but slightly rocky relationship.
I'm going to skip over a lot of the details of what exactly made the relationship rocky, but essentially, neither of us have behaved perfectly, although both of us have real reasons for that. What matters is that it feels right, and that we both feel that this could and really should be something long-term and serious. We've survived things that would have already killed other relationships, and an incredible amount of a emotional rollercoaster-ness (eg. She became pregnant with what would have been my twin children, didn't tell me because she didn't want to upset my finals, and dealt with one of them miscarrying on her own. The other one miscarried the evening I found out about it).
University is over for me, but not for her. We've spent some time together already over this summer, but it has been difficult- partly because we live very far from each other, partly because I've been busy (my sister got married about 3 weeks ago, and a couple guests from abroad are still with us).
A couple of problems have arisen. My family are very conservative, and traditional, particularly my mum. She has a problem with me being in a relationship, and my dad is not one to argue with her on this specific front. I brought this girl home, and she met my family, and all seemed well- they really liked her as a person, and she felt really comfortable, like she fit in. But my parents just don't want me to be in a relationship- they don't understand the concept of a relationship that is not explicitly for the preparation of getting married, and they think that I'm too young for that. I have no plans to think about getting married right now, but I do love this girl. I know what happens when my parents are told lies about relationship stuff (I essentially played family counsellor when my sister returned from uni some 6-7 years ago), and I don't want to go down that route. What's more, this girl who really cares for me, also knows how much I care for my family, and what they mean to me, so she's suddenly become worried about this, and wanting me to appease them, whilst emotionally supporting her.
The other side of this is the girl's sexuality. She's described herself as being "a lesbian who happened to meet a guy and fall in love with him". This is all true, and I know that she finds me attractive in all ways- physically, emotionally and sexually. However, there is other side to her, and during my exams, I allowed the relationship to be non-exclusive. There were a couple of instances that happened that upset me (she was slightly careless about bringing girls to near the library where I was working, even though I'd asked her not to- they weren't doing anything, just hanging out, but I didn't want to see it and could've done without the distractions). I know she loves me, but she is worried that just being in a exclusive relationship with me right now might lead her to live a life of regrets, and she's worried that she'll have a torrid affair with woman, years from now.
We've come to the conclusion that for a while, whilst I spend the summer relaxing after my finals, do a little travelling and start my new job in October and generally settle down (and convince my parents of their wrongs, including this and other stuff that I'm having re-entry isssues with!), and whilst she soends her summer on family holidays and working before starting her final year of uni (and therefore quite pressured), we should be in an "open relationship". We don't want to break up, but things are a bit too unsettled now for us to have a full, exclusive relationship- given the way we are, it would be too much, too fast and too much pressure. We've also explained to each other that if we find that we meet someone else who makes us happy, that we should not hesitate to go into a relationship with them- that the other would understand.
I'm having a little trouble with all this though. The girl is OK with the concept of open relationships- her parents were in one. From my more conservative upbringing, I'm less comfortable with the idea, although it makes a lot of logical sense. Last week, when I went to visit her, I thought it'd be fine, and would work, but I found out on Monday that she'd seen another girl over the weekend. This upset me, and in the interests of being honest and open, I told her so. She then said "Why didn't you tell me that before I got involved?"- she has told me explicitly that if I'm not happy with the open relationship, that it can stay closed and just be us two, but I thought that it would put too much pressure on us- I won't be able to be there for her in the way I'd like to be as a boyfriend for some months.
We've agreed that I should think it over for a couple of days. I'm thinking now that the open relationship is a good idea, but that she needs to be a bit more sensitive to my difficulties- she's always been very confident, and has no problem with casual sex, whereas I'm much more shy around girls, and have only ever had sex within a relationship (I'm not entirely sure that this is principled so much as shyness). However, I haven't treated her very well over the last couple of weeks (just getting scared about the seriousness of the relationship, various difficulties, including my parents and her sexuality) and tried to break up with her a couple of times before calming down, thinking about it and realising that I don't want to throw this away, the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life.
P.S. Sorry for the length of this post!
Complicated Relationship! Watch
- 29-07-2009 20:36
- 29-07-2009 20:49
You don't sound like you are really OK with being in an open relationship with a woman you love; and I don't blame you.
- 30-07-2009 14:07
- 30-07-2009 14:20
i reckon you need to really think about how you feel about an open relationship.. everyone loves to think they're not jealous and that they can cope but it's difficult and maybe you're more jealous than you think which is understandable.. i agree that you should think things through before trying to break up with her again, if you really love her then you would be throwing a good thing away which is a shame..
i think you should talk to her about having a closed relationship.. and see what she thinks.. i know you wouldnt be able to be there for her much but maybe that would be ok by her? you really just need to talk..
and also, i dont know how you see it but the fact that she's going with girls is, admittedly, upsetting but at least she's not going with other men which i think would be worse..
hope some of this helped! good luck with it all...
- 30-07-2009 16:06
I think its a really unstable relationship, in which you should probably get out of despite your feeling for your own interest. This is because there will be less chance in you getting hurt ! Cummon now, do you really think that being with a woman who is also in to women is going to work out? Be realistic dear,i understand that you care for her and stuff but weighing down the hwole situation its probably the best thing to do. Like some-one else said its not exactly like your OK with the situation of your relationship. In addition, you have already hinted that you have tried to end the relationship on numerous ocasions so perhaps that will be the more logical approach to take. Good luck despite whatever happens !
I can tell you one thing from personal experience, and that's that you should always think of yourself in a situation like this, an already very unstable and fragile relationship at an early stage is probably not going to last you may end up getting hurt. Like i said, i hope it works out for you whatever you do, hope that helped dear.
- 03-08-2009 23:28
Thanks for all your help. She needed a couple of days to think about things, but she has said that she's willing to be in a monogamous relationship with me because she loves me, and would do only what I'm comfortable with. This is great, and we're taking things quite slowly, (almost from scratch in a way) so that things are not too emotionally unstable.
Appreciate all help given so far (if anyone has any more ideas, they're still welcome).
- 06-10-2009 22:56
You love her.
No open relationships.
- 06-10-2009 22:56
You love her.
No open relationships.
- 19-10-2010 12:53
Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants other people as well besides you? Is it possible that you value her more than she values you? In that case, it is probable that you could end getting hurt in the future.
- 19-10-2010 15:25
I think you should put as much effort into having a serious conversation with her as you have put into this extremely long post.
Just tell her to buzz off and try to find a girl that actually wants to be with you. No open relationshipness. Meant in the nicest possible way, my friend