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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It is! What would you suggest I do? (I'm really miserable at home now. I just anna get out of here, i don't feel comfortable or 'at home' anymore)
    I wish I had some wise advice, but I don't really.
    I'm known for doing outlandish things when things aren't right... Although, to be fair, I think this somewhat justifies something like that!
    In retrospect, though, maybe toughing it out is the best idea? - however hard that may be. Show your strength, etc.?

    In any case, they are your parents, no matter how they act.
    Also, I think that the situation says more about you than anything: that you've taken the moral high-ground/have good character/strength (you dealt with everything with way more patience than anyone I know would've xD)
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    (Original post by MadJax)
    Background: I am the oldest of two, with my sister who's 23 (today actually) and currently has a two year old daughter (My sister that is, not me). My sister has always been the favourite of the family (even by their own admission) but that doesn't bother me too much as I'm quite an independent person. I move in with my uncle and out of my mums house when I was 13(So 11 years ago) but kept contact with my mum.

    Essentially, my mother and girlfriend got on fine (Me and my gf live together with my uncle atm) until my mum just turned and started calling my gf a whore and complaining that she looked down her nose at my mum all the time. I tried resolving it by talking to her and bringing in witnesses as well as pointing out she was unreasonable and had no reason or right to talk about her like that. My gf has never said a bad word about my mother either to me or to her, so this rant came out of the blue. I gave my mother an ultimatum that she either apologise to me and her or I essentially sever contact with her so she can continue pampering my jobless sister whilst I work my arse off to go through college and now uni. She chose the latter, and two years on I have no regrets, though I hear that my mother does.

    Ideally, this is not the situation you want to find yourself in. I'm obviously older than you are, and it was still a painful and trying experience. So I'm here trying to advise you on how to resolve this situation as best as I can
    So do you still have contact with your mother now or what?

    My aunt's a no-show. She got a little frustrated with me this time. She was quite drunk at the family thing too, and i think she can't really remember how bad things got either.
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    (Original post by Yasmeenax)
    I wish I had some wise advice, but I don't really.
    I'm known for doing outlandish things when things aren't right... Although, to be fair, I think this somewhat justifies something like that!
    In retrospect, though, maybe toughing it out is the best idea? - however hard that may be. Show your strength, etc.?

    In any case, they are your parents, no matter how they act.
    Also, I think that the situation says more about you than anything: that you've taken the moral high-ground/have good character/strength (you dealt with everything with way more patience than anyone I know would've xD)
    This is a bit of an iffy thing to say - sometimes your blood-relatives aren't the best people for you to have in your life.

    I would say, OP, try and resolve this issue soon, and don't just let it go, as then they will know they can walk all over you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So do you still have contact with your mother now or what?

    My aunt's a no-show. She got a little frustrated with me this time. She was quite drunk at the family thing too, and i think she can't really remember how bad things got either.
    I do in a sense, in that we hear about each other through family members.

    As for your other part, try and think back to see if you can remember anyone who heard/saw the whole ordeal and will back you up. If all else fails, gently remind your parents next time you talk of it, that other people were there and saw the whole thing take place. Don't ge pushy with it, just a gentle reminder

    You seem to be handling this in a very mature sense, instead of screaming your head off and demanding what you wat, you're talking with your parents, who admittedly seem to be trying to shrug it off as if it was nothing. You just have to stand firm and remain strong with your convictions. If they mention it in passing, mention back that you're still unhappy about the situation.
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    (Original post by PrincessAriadne)
    This is a bit of an iffy thing to say - sometimes your blood-relatives aren't the best people for you to have in your life.

    I would say, OP, try and resolve this issue soon, and don't just let it go, as then they will know they can walk all over you.
    Well, I'm of the belief that they usually are, excepting a few extraordinary cases. They bring you into the world and sacrifice a lot.. blah blah :rolleyes: That's to say, estrangement isn't the way forward - being amiable is, no matter what. I appreciate what you are saying, though..
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    (Original post by Yasmeenax)
    That's to say, estrangement isn't the way forward - being amiable is, no matter what.

    Of course, it all depends on circumstances Everyones family relationship is different to an extent, so different things work out for different people.
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    (Original post by MadJax)
    I do in a sense, in that we hear about each other through family members.

    As for your other part, try and think back to see if you can remember anyone who heard/saw the whole ordeal and will back you up. If all else fails, gently remind your parents next time you talk of it, that other people were there and saw the whole thing take place. Don't ge pushy with it, just a gentle reminder

    You seem to be handling this in a very mature sense, instead of screaming your head off and demanding what you wat, you're talking with your parents, who admittedly seem to be trying to shrug it off as if it was nothing. You just have to stand firm and remain strong with your convictions. If they mention it in passing, mention back that you're still unhappy about the situation.
    I don't think there was anyone: family were all quite drunk, so none of them will realise the gravity of the situation, and, as you've probably gathered, people don't like to 'get involved' or get their hands dirty in my family. If you have a problem you just have to cope with it yourself. And anyway, cos of the rift and the problems my various aunts/uncles have had in the not so distant past, nobody is willing to have any confrontations.

    Should I mention it to my parents again or just wait and see if anything happens? I'm scared though, as they have family things a lot, and my dad's birthday is coming up soon, and they'll ask Grace to come, and she can't very well say 'no, cos i'm terrified you'll get drunk and abusive again'. If she turns them down they'll just be really rejected and probably even more angry, plus surely they won't do this again?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been with my girlfriend for about 4 months now, and my parents were really nice to her at first. She's a lovely person, quite shy, but really polite and kind, and my family all loved her. But now suddenly, my parents have turned on her.

    We were at a family gathering at my house, and my parents got quite drunk, and started coming up and calling my girlfriend a tart and other really disgusting names, and telling me to 'keep it in my trousers'. This is so ridiculous, as my girlfriend and I haven't had sex yet, and we definitely won't tell anyone when we do. My gf is mortified, and I'm so hurt that my family could behave like this.

    My gf got quite upset, and my mum started screaming at her to 'get over here', so my aunty physically pushed my mum out of the room, while my grandmother comforted my gf. i don't know what to so, and why the hell my parents think it's acceptable to treat people like this, especially someone they know I love, and who is so nice.
    when people get drunk, their secrets and opinions boils to the surface and quite difficult to manage.
    Your parents obviously have a problem with your girlfriend but i would stand by her and defend her and prove to your parents that you love her. Once that sinks into your parents mind, they'll learn to live with it...
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    (Original post by MadJax)
    Of course, it all depends on circumstances Everyones family relationship is different to an extent, so different things work out for different people.
    Indeed, that's right.. However, I kind of take it as a matter of principle. =/ But, 'do what you will'!
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    (Original post by Yasmeenax)
    Well, I'm of the belief that they usually are, excepting a few extraordinary cases. They bring you into the world and sacrifice a lot.. blah blah :rolleyes: That's to say, estrangement isn't the way forward - being amiable is, no matter what. I appreciate what you are saying, though..
    yeah, and from what i've seen there are more than a few such cases.

    No matter what - no matter if they hit you? If they psychologically abuse you? Where would you draw the line then?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Should I mention it to my parents again or just wait and see if anything happens? I'm scared though, as they have family things a lot, and my dad's birthday is coming up soon, and they'll ask Grace to come, and she can't very well say 'no, cos i'm terrified you'll get drunk and abusive again'. If she turns them down they'll just be really rejected and probably even more angry, plus surely they won't do this again?
    It's best to get this cleared up as soon as possible tbh, so try and mention it to your parents again (Maybe on Saturday).

    No matter what happens, you and Grace will show a lot more maturity by attending your dads birthday bash together and showing people that no matter what happens, you're standing by each other. This may give your parents cause to realise that she isn't going away if they do harbor negative feelings towards her.

    If it really was just drunken banter taken too far (Which we've all done, lets be fair), simply explain that maybe they took it too far and came across as aggressive instead. And if the situation repeats itself at your fathers birthday, they've just given you more ammunition in your argument that they behave like fools when drunk.

    One last thing, if they pull out the old "It's your fathers birthday" excuse, just say "If it was my birthday, does that give me the right to kick dad in the nuts and not face any consequences?" It's the same principle (I'm not condoning it, just use it as an example)
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    (Original post by Yasmeenax)
    Indeed, that's right.. However, I kind of take it as a matter of principle. =/ But, 'do what you will'!
    When you're growing up, you're family are your world, and rightly so, but when you're an adult, there's no point carrying on that relationship unless it is mutually beneficial to both parties. If there's no love there, or if there's bad treatment and suffering being caused, there's no point wasting your life.

    Family is who you choose, it's about being loved and cared for and giving that back: if 'blood relatives' aren't fulfilling this, then they're no longer your family.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    yeah, and from what i've seen there are more than a few such cases.

    No matter what - no matter if they hit you? If they psychologically abuse you? Where would you draw the line then?
    In these kinds of cases (and these are what I meant by extraordinary), obviously distance is going to be best. However, even then, I would say that remaining steadfast in amiability is the best bet.

    I'm not saying this from an outsider's POV, either - I've had such experiences. It is possible.
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    (Original post by Yasmeenax)
    In these kinds of cases (and these are what I meant by extraordinary), obviously distance is going to be best. However, even then, I would say that remaining steadfast in amiability is the best bet.

    I'm not saying this from an outsider's POV, either - I've had such experiences. It is possible.
    Sitting and smiling and being amiable to your father while he slaps you? how the hell would that work? That would have to be someone with absolutely no self respect and no balls in my book.
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    (Original post by PrincessAriadne)
    When you're growing up, you're family are your world, and rightly so, but when you're an adult, there's no point carrying on that relationship unless it is mutually beneficial to both parties. If there's no love there, or if there's bad treatment and suffering being caused, there's no point wasting your life.

    Family is who you choose, it's about being loved and cared for and giving that back: if 'blood relatives' aren't fulfilling this, then they're no longer your family.
    Hmm, I would have to take issue with this, though. They can't just stop being family - that's impossible, no matter how someone might pretend so. Especially parents. Offspring have a duty to be gracious towards them.
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    (Original post by MadJax)
    It's best to get this cleared up as soon as possible tbh, so try and mention it to your parents again (Maybe on Saturday).

    No matter what happens, you and Grace will show a lot more maturity by attending your dads birthday bash together and showing people that no matter what happens, you're standing by each other. This may give your parents cause to realise that she isn't going away if they do harbor negative feelings towards her.

    If it really was just drunken banter taken too far (Which we've all done, lets be fair), simply explain that maybe they took it too far and came across as aggressive instead. And if the situation repeats itself at your fathers birthday, they've just given you more ammunition in your argument that they behave like fools when drunk.

    One last thing, if they pull out the old "It's your fathers birthday" excuse, just say "If it was my birthday, does that give me the right to kick dad in the nuts and not face any consequences?" It's the same principle (I'm not condoning it, just use it as an example)
    Ok. Thanks for all your help! I hope it will get better, cos if they do this again, I think Grace will just have to stop coming round to mine, and I'd hate that.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sitting and smiling and being amiable to your father while he slaps you? how the hell would that work? That would have to be someone with absolutely no self respect and no balls in my book.
    That;s evidently not what I meant. Distance is required, I said, in these kinds of cases. What I mean is that there is no need to cut off ties completely, though.
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    (Original post by Yasmeenax)
    Hmm, I would have to take issue with this, though. They can't just stop being family - that's impossible, no matter how someone might pretend so. Especially parents. Offspring have a duty to be gracious towards them.
    Ok, they can't stop being related to you, but if they treat you extremely badly, then will stop being part of your life, and rightly so. Just because you did good things for someone, it doesn;t give you the right to abuse them later. And 'pretend so' sounds quite callous really - all the people out there who've been brave enough to break away from abusive family lives and gone it on their own and made a new life, are so so brave, and all that matters in the end , in someone's life, is how they feel and act, and if in their heart they are no longer associated with certain people, then they aren't.

    What about Josef Fritzl's daughter, and grandhcildren to that point. You can't seriously tell me you think his daughter should be grateful to him or stick by him?
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    (Original post by Yasmeenax)
    That;s evidently not what I meant. Distance is required, I said, in these kinds of cases. What I mean is that there is no need to cut off ties completely, though.
    How about if your family try to get you killed? What would you say then?
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    (Original post by PrincessAriadne)
    Ok, they can't stop being related to you, but if they treat you extremely badly, then will stop being part of your life, and rightly so. Just because you did good things for someone, it doesn;t give you the right to abuse them later. And 'pretend so' sounds quite callous really - all the people out there who've been brave enough to break away from abusive family lives and gone it on their own and made a new life, are so so brave, and all that matters in the end , in someone's life, is how they feel and act, and if in their heart they are no longer associated with certain people, then they aren't.

    What about Josef Fritzl's daughter, and grandhcildren to that point. You can't seriously tell me you think his daughter should be grateful to him or stick by him?
    As I said before, distance yes but certainly not complete detachment.. That's all. Of course I don't feel that abuse is justified - I didn't even insinuate that. I apologise if I sounded callous, but it's just that I've known many who have gone through awful things with their families, yet have continued to be courteous, at least, regardless. I'm not implying that there is a 'one size fits all' approach to everything. That's obvious. It's up to each person, at the end of the day.
 
 
 
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