probably not the right forum for this but i really want to stay anonymous.
seems that the older i get the more i mess up and the further away i am from success (though tbh i dont deserve it; ive acted like a dumb ass these past few years)
according to uni, gp and old school i have depression (so no im not one of those self diagnosing idiots who claim their depressed after a bad day) ive been like this for 4 years but its gotten worse since i started uni; which has lead to me being a isolated social retard, not getting the best grades (but first yr doesnt count and i got into 2nd yr so i guess it could be worse), and generally not making the most of what uni has to offer, at all.
been with current bf for nrly 2 years though the last several months have been very up and down but as time goes by it gets worse and worse to the point that atm im only with him cause i need somewhere to stay for the summer as my last contract ended in july and new one doesnt start till sept (cant go to rents house as i need to stay where uni is as thats where my work is and i really, really need money right now) but tbh my personality is generally crap and i dont xactly look the best, im not "well read" or intelligent (got to uni but all the stuff i learnt a schoo, etc i tend to forget soon after exams finish and it takes me a while to pick up on stuff, so im generally stupid and slow as many people have told me (i.e. ex's people at schoo, even a few at uni) i honesty feel out of place here. all i have turned to is this insecure shallow below average girl who spent way too much time focusing on fashion, trashy magazines & "trash news" and "ooo lets go out and get pissed". as my "logic" was that my personality was plain boring and stupid and people say you cant change your personality so i tried to change what i could; i.e. hair, clothes, etc and because of this ive become superficial and thick, moreso then i was when i was 15. but when ive looked back i felt ashamed but cause i thought it was too late and i still got bullied for looks no matter how much i tried and got bullied for being thick i just fell into depression at 15 and have been this way since then.
find it hard to meet new people and it takes me a long time to make friends and have still experienced some bullying at uni and people generally avoiding me or not including me in stuff at work and joining societies didnt really help as i was so self conscious, nervous, shy and i probably came across as insecure, unfriendly and closed; hense why i didnt make much friends this year.
have a few friends that i go out with sometimes but bf hates me going out and if it were up to him we'd spend 16 hrs a day everyday togethe (he actually said this) and he thinks that going out to join societies, clubs, etc is pointless as you've already got the best company you could find (your partner, i.e. him) so why "go out all the time" (to him once or twice a week was too much...he'd rather once a month) when we could spend time together. this and the fact that he needs to know what websites i go on, where i am, how much money i spend, whats im my back account, my family history, basically tries invading everything and taking over my life and i feel he tends to look down on me. by may this year i had HAD ENOUGH of this isolation, having lost most of my friends as i stupidly abandoned them to make him happy as i believed and still do that as a person im too crap to get any better so i stick with him cause at least hes v good looking. The rebellious side of me got me in trouble juring april, may, beg of june, around that time (during exams i know so its a miracle im allowed to get to 2nd yr with 2 resits) i somehow managed to spend around 2 grand on stupid things, like clothes going out, but tbh it was booze that most of the money went on. would go out 4 times a week to a pub or something or just sit ata friends house and EVERYTIME i would get so pissed i'd puke, pass out and if i was out i'd get kicked out of the pub/club/etc (dont know wny my friends put up with this or kept inviting me if they could clearly see there was a problem there). its like i'd love the feeling of losing control and not having to think about things, like the things im missing out on, how unhappy i was with myself and my relationship (and tbh a few guys i liked but i couldnt do anything as i had a bf and all of my friends know this and know him) so i just drank to forget, wake up with puke everywhere and then hate myself for it and down a vodca the next morning to forget. ive worked out that i have earnt around 3200 since last july (though around 1000 or abit under of that was to help family with their dept so lets say 2500 earnt throught the yr since july last yr) got student loan but that just covered accomo which didnt include bills). however i managed to get myself into a dept of -2000 (interest free overdraft) with just over 2 months of booze. this is what im really, really ashamed of. ive stopped drinking so much as tbh bank statements and getting kicked out of every club in my city (small city but still its pretty shameful) and not remembering 90 % of it so for all i know i could have cheated or anyting but i dont know details of anything.
and cause bf is being typically nosy im worried hes gonna find out about my issues with alcohol and the level that ive screwed up this year. could have spend the money on better things, could have got involved in the uni, could have done watersports which i used to love, could have learnt to play guitar seeing as i own one,etc
this yr is full of regrets. been councelling on and off for the past 4 years (my first one at 15 turned out to be a perv who wanted revealing photos of me in his office so tbh thats made me alot mroe closed up during sessions now even though it was a while ago. i hate writing this post and telling councellers things about my problems when i cant be 100% certain they wont be *******s, pervs, or whether the sessions would even help me which tbh the uni counceller whom ive been seein for the last 7 months hasnt helped me but the stupid gp wont perscribe me anti depressants as they say that the councelling should help.
so angry at the uni councelling system, and angry at myself for getting myself in such a crappy situation and angry at all the time (and money) ive lost by being depressed, isolated and turning to booze for comfort.
even though ive got a job this summer it wont get me back to 0, so need other ways to make money. i would sell clothes on ebay cause i have quiet a few clothes i dont like anymore, look ok or decent quality (i.e. dont look stupidly old) but im not sure if itseven worth selling them on ebay as idont want to sell something for 0.99p if i brought it for 20 quid. signed up for yougov and pannel base for surveys but u need to do a stupid number of surveys before you even get a teeny bit of money.
sorry this is long but i am really unhappy at and very ashamed of myself that i could have done alot better then i have.
any advice on getting myself on track, do i even deserve to get back on track (i know ive acted really foolishly and irresponsible and this is so unfair to my bf). i just feel terrible all round
ive seriously messed up really bad Watch
- Thread Starter
- 31-07-2009 20:47
- 31-07-2009 23:29
in an ideal world in wot direction would u like your life to turn? I mean r u happy and stuff? If u had a choice of anywhere in the world to stay over summer where would u go?
- 31-07-2009 23:51
You deserve a rep for your effort.
- 01-08-2009 01:07
Your boyfriend is a control freak. He needs to know what's in your bank account? That's too much.
- 01-08-2009 01:12