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Getting married at a young age watch

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    (Original post by Lizia)
    I think it's wrong to get married before you've experience life. And I don't think you have really experience life until you're at least in your mid twenties.

    Basically, I don't think at 18 you know yourself. When I was 18 I upped and moved to another country, completely independent of my parents and anyone else. I had all the responsibilities people have at university, but none of the safety nets or familiarity. It changed me a lot, I've become sure of myself in many ways, but I still don't have the life experience to know who I'll be in a year's time never mind fifty. If anything, it's proved to me that I know very little about the real world. And considering I have more life experience than most people my age, I think that says a lot about marrying young. I would say that people who think at 18 they know what they'll want for the rest of their life are deluding themselves. It's all very well to say, "maybe I just know myself better than you know yourself", but I think that's naive and a very immature way to think. A year ago, I never saw myself as being the person I am now. So who is to say I won't be someone completely different in another year's time?

    The only way I think getting married at 18 is reasonable is if you see it as nothing more than making your cohabitation legally sound and then carry on with the same hopes and expectations as any other serious relationship, rather than as a relationship that will last forever and ever. And I think that's the wrong way to look at a marriage entirely, so I still don't agree with it.
    So will you never get married because you might change?
    Life is an experience and you are always learning and changing. If, at 18, you've found someone who you want beside you as you learn and change, then that's great imo (not that I think the couple the OP is talking about have).

    Having children changes people DRASTICALLY, I don't see people waiting until they've had all their children before they get married. A new job or a promotion will change you, I don't see people waiting until they've retired and there will be no more promotions and work stresses before they get married. Etc.
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    (Original post by death.drop)
    yeah that's where it stumps me http://static.thestudentroom.co.uk/images/smilies/p.gif
    I really don't see the point in doing something so expensive just to say you're in it for the long haul. why not just say you're in it for the long haul? to want to prove it to everyone else seems a very 18 year old type thing to do, especially after such a short relationship in which you haven't actually lived as adults. madness.

    again, i'm sure you're secure in what you're doing so i hope what i'm saying doesn't cause offence. i really am just fascinated.
    a) marriage does not have to be expensive at all

    b) most people don't get married at 18 and many of those that do get married aren't religious - why do they get married? If it's for the same reasons as PrincessAriande, how can you say it seems like a very 18 year old type thing to do?
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    (Original post by 4_sophia)
    Yes but it was accepted in those days, that when you get married, you're married for life... It was virtually impossible to get out of a marriage and it was frowned upon... Today, divorce rates are a lot higher... It's easy to get a divorce and on the whole it's now seen as a 'norm'...

    I don't particularly disagree with marrying at a young age, I just don't really think it is necessary. Again, just my opinion.
    If anything, that's even more of a reason why people shouldn't have gotten married young in 'those days' and why people should do whatever they like now, surely?
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    (Original post by EskimoJo)
    a) marriage does not have to be expensive at all

    b) most people don't get married at 18 and many of those that do get married aren't religious - why do they get married? If it's for the same reasons as PrincessAriande, how can you say it seems like a very 18 year old type thing to do?
    gah, so many brilliant people on here, I'll be out of rep for years! Thanks for supporting me, and for all your posts: they're very insightful and, to my mind, correct.
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    (Original post by PrincessAriadne)
    gah, so many brilliant people on here, I'll be out of rep for years! Thanks for supporting me, and for all your posts: they're very insightful and, to my mind, correct.
    Lol! I was going to rep you tomorrow! Remind me later.
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    (Original post by EskimoJo)
    Lol! I was going to rep you tomorrow! Remind me later.
    Thanks! And, don't worry, I will!:p:
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    (Original post by Lizia)
    No, I never said that. I'm not talking about changes brought on by slight circumstantial changes like a new job or a promotion. Those might change your life on a superficial level and change your behviour slightly, but they don't change who you are as a person.

    But the years between 16 and 24 are when you change the most. People change their whole lives, but never so much as when they are in their late teens and early twenties. I was very different at 16, and that was three years ago. I imagine when two years down the line I'll probably be very different to how I am now. But I don't know any who is a "proper grown up" (ie over 30) who considers themselves much different at 45 to how they were at 40. Circumstances change, but the people involved don't change as drastically. You just don't change that much in such a short space of time as you get older.

    As for having children, of course that changes your life dramatically, but I don't think it changes most people that drastically, on a fundamental level. And you're right that people don't delay marriage until after they've had children. However, most people do delay having children until they're over 25, so my point still stands- the majority of people do not consider under 25 to be a good time to make life changing commitments such as marriage or children.
    I know adults who have changed dramatically over 30, my mum is one of them. She changed for religious reasons and she changed a lot.
    I think having children does change people on a fundamental level, but you're right that most don't start having kids until 25+, but I think that's down to society pressures rather than people.
    I've changed a lot since I was 18, but thinking about it, I don't think I've changed in anyway that would ruin a relationship if I had been in one since that age. That's me, one example. Others in this thread have pointed to themselves as example too. That's enough for me to believe that issues like this should only be taken on a case by case level and having blanket 'I don't believe people should do this' or 'anyone who does that is wrong' attitudes is stupid, ignorant and illogical, as it is in almost all situations.
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    (Original post by 4_sophia)
    Yes but it was accepted in those days, that when you get married, you're married for life... It was virtually impossible to get out of a marriage and it was frowned upon... Today, divorce rates are a lot higher... It's easy to get a divorce and on the whole it's now seen as a 'norm'...

    I don't particularly disagree with marrying at a young age, I just don't really think it is necessary. Again, just my opinion.
    But it's not as if all these older people are stuck in marriages they don't want to be in, desperate to get a divorce. Most of them who are still together seem happy. An elderly couple live(d) next door to me, and since the husband died (about five years ago) the wife has been distraught ever since. She wasn't exactly clamouring to be free of him.

    I don't particularly agree with people entering into marriage at any age if they don't see it as a life-long commitment, mostly because there are so often children involved at some stage. My (completely uneducated and inexperienced) opinion is that if you're mature enough to know that marriage has its ups and downs, and that losing that "in love", butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling is a natural development in long-term relationships, you're mature enough to get married.
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    (Original post by EskimoJo)
    I know adults who have changed dramatically over 30, my mum is one of them. She changed for religious reasons and she changed a lot.
    I think having children does change people on a fundamental level, but you're right that most don't start having kids until 25+, but I think that's down to society pressures rather than people.
    I've changed a lot since I was 18, but thinking about it, I don't think I've changed in anyway that would ruin a relationship if I had been in one since that age. That's me, one example. Others in this thread have pointed to themselves as example too. That's enough for me to believe that issues like this should only be taken on a case by case level and having blanket 'I don't believe people should do this' or 'anyone who does that is wrong' attitudes is stupid, ignorant and illogical, as it is in almost all situations.
    This. I've been with my boyfriend since we were sixteen, and we've both changed a lot since then. Quite apart from the general growing up stuff, I've had a gap year working and living in another country, and he's spent a year at university. If anything, we love each other more for having been through those changes together. Growing into something new doesn't always have to be a negative thing.
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    (Original post by StandingOnAir)
    But it's not as if all these older people are stuck in marriages they don't want to be in, desperate to get a divorce. Most of them who are still together seem happy. An elderly couple live(d) next door to me, and since the husband died (about five years ago) the wife has been distraught ever since. She wasn't exactly clamouring to be free of him.

    I don't particularly agree with people entering into marriage at any age if they don't see it as a life-long commitment, mostly because there are so often children involved at some stage. My (completely uneducated and inexperienced) opinion is that if you're mature enough to know that marriage has its ups and downs, and that losing that "in love", butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling is a natural development in long-term relationships, you're mature enough to get married.
    No, I didn't mean that. I know older people that got married when they were v.young from that generation and they are still happy together. Mainly, I think it's down to what you're saying, they don't have unrealistic expectations of each other and they know you have to accept that no marriage is perfect, you have to work through problems. That's why I disagree with younger people getting married, as I don't think they fully understand the commitment and aren't really mature enough. (I know it's a bit of a generalisation, but on the whole.) Wisdom comes with age!

    Don't know if that made any sense...
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    if theres doubt then Id say no; you'd have to be completely certain...

    They could always get engaged now and get married in a few years?
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    (Original post by Lizia)
    I would disagree about society pressures making people put off having children. If anything, the benefits system these days means that it's more profitable than ever to have children young. And I don't certainly don't think society these days is anywhere near as anti-young mothers as it has been in the past. Fair enough, your mother changed radically. But it is not common for adults to change their entire lives so dramatically, as it is for younger people.



    I don't know a single person who is the same as they were three years ago. And sometimes the changes that ruin a relationship aren't a negative thing in a single person. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree, but I have yet to see a couple who married young prove my theories wrong. Good luck to Princess Ariadne, I hope she does prove me wrong. There are some things that it isn't that satisfactory to be right about. I'm just not convinced she will be any different to the twenty or so other couples who married young and split up :dontknow:
    Thanks And feel free to keep in touch with me. In 15 years time I'll send you pictures of our first child! On an aside, adding some positivity to this gloomy discussion, I know two people who married young and one is celebrating her 26th wedding anniversary, and the other couple their 19th.
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    (Original post by 4_sophia)
    No, I didn't mean that. I know older people that got married when they were v.young from that generation and they are still happy together. Mainly, I think it's down to what you're saying, they don't have unrealistic expectations of each other and they know you have to accept that no marriage is perfect, you have to work through problems. That's why I disagree with younger people getting married, as I don't think they fully understand the commitment and aren't really mature enough. (I know it's a bit of a generalisation, but on the whole.) Wisdom comes with age!

    Don't know if that made any sense...
    It does, but the point I was making is that it certainly isn't limited to young people. XD It seems to be the case for the OP, yes, but then it's the case for people who marry much later on, too. There are young people who marry in full knowledge of the fact that it won't always be picturesque and simple, and that it will often require hard work.
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    (Original post by StandingOnAir)
    It does, but the point I was making is that it certainly isn't limited to young people. XD It seems to be the case for the OP, yes, but then it's the case for people who marry much later on, too. There are young people who marry in full knowledge of the fact that it won't always be picturesque and simple, and that it will often require hard work.
    I think maybe a problem might be that people arguing blankly against anyone under 25 getting married, are tarring everyone with the same brush as themselves.
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    (Original post by fire2burn)
    My parents are still together after 27 years, moved in together and got married at 17 :p:
    Yeah, but did they know for sure they wanted to get married? and besides 27 years ago things were different...
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    (Original post by StandingOnAir)
    It does, but the point I was making is that it certainly isn't limited to young people. XD It seems to be the case for the OP, yes, but then it's the case for people who marry much later on, too. There are young people who marry in full knowledge of the fact that it won't always be picturesque and simple, and that it will often require hard work.
    Yes, I think I agree with most of what you are saying but not totally...
    I'll admit defeat... This is getting a bit too :confused: for me...

    I'll just re-iterate my point that I don't see why there's such a rush to get married! I won't be getting married until I've got my life sorted and stable ie.I've got a career, I've got a house,car etc. At 18, not many people have these luxuries. I'm happy with my bf as we are and IMO a piece of paper won't change that! For me marriage is a necessity when you are starting a family but not until then...
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    Thanks to all the people who have left such nice rep. I know this is O/T but the threads gone quite, so I'm not interrupting, and i have to say thanks, as it's made me so happy that strangers are so welcoming and understanding. :godancing: :party:
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    I only know one person who has been married at a young age.
    Now if you're thinking that the numbers don't quite add up there, her husband is quite a lot older than her.
    In this case, I myself think it better that one of them marry early on, than them both waiting and the other marrying quite late on in life.
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    (Original post by PrincessAriadne)
    Er .. no. I don't know what the big hoohah about marriage is. If you've found the right person, then it's not really an issue at all. We were living together before, and we are best friends, and have given up a lot for each other, so getting married was really just to make that more 'special'. We both already felt married before we decided to.

    And thanks for the congrats
    In fairness, although you're young, it sounds like you completely went the right way about doing it imo. Living together can reveal a lot about each that you may not have noticed previously so I think it's important to take this step before getting married. I know I would

    Did you feel like you could have married him before you lived with him? Or did you want to live with him first to be sure you both still felt strongly about it? Just out of interest :bigsmile:
 
 
 
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