Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Being "too nice"- harmful for friendships? Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Hey everyone, apologies if this is a little rambly, but I'll try to keep it brief At the start of this year I had a pretty big falling out with my best friend of 11 years. It was less a case of one major event sparking it, and more various issues accumulating over the years. In particular, we'd lived quite parallel lives for some time (same schools, friendship groups at each, similar aspirations etc.), and she admitted that she always felt there was naturally competition between us and she wanted to "beat" me, whereas I preferred us doing things individually of our own steam and not forever having to compare ourselves to one another.

    If I picked up any new hobbies, she told me she either felt she had to do them too, or she didn't want me to continue them. Similar "rules" applied to friends; to some extent she chose who our friends would be, and I was always seen as the quieter one who'd just go along with it. If I made friends with anyone else she'd either tell me she "hated" them and there was xyz wrong with them, and in the case of potentially romantic relationships she'd always say there wasn't any interest there and they were just using me.

    It was hard to realise at the time, but I guess I started to adapt my behaviour to suit her. I became a very private person because I knew she'd either judge or get angry. In January this year things came to a head when she stole my mobile and read all of my sent and received messages to find out what I'd been doing "behind her back". It was at that point that I realised exactly how flawed the relationship was, and when she told me she never wanted to speak to me again because she got "nothing out of" me, I felt relief more than anything.

    Several months have passed since it happened, and while every so often I still hear things she's said about me, for the most part I think I've moved on and am enjoying time with other friends. The only thing is, one major thing I seem to have taken with me seems to be this slightly excessive desire to please people. Being so close to her for so long meant I always had to make sure I didn't hurt her feelings and go along with quite a few decisions I didn't necessarily agree with. And because our friends viewed her as the "loud, funny one", I ended up subconsciously thinking that being "nice" to people was the only way they would like me.

    It's just left me wondering if there's anything I can do really? In a discussion with one of my friends last night, she said the problem was that she'd never feel like I'd be 100% loyal to her, because I'm "too nice" in general to "everyone- even those who don't deserve it". I just feel like if I stick up for myself, I'll alienate myself further- like my best friend suggested previously. I'm going to university in October and I worry how I'm going to make friends if all I have to offer is this "niceness"- it's like I'm still afraid to show my own personality from years of sort of.. hiding it I guess.

    Sorry for the length! Thanks for any replies, people
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Nobody can be too nice.

    Don't change your ways because some people don't like it.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    im sorry but i just cant be bothered reading all that, but as someone said nobody can be too nice
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    tldr
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    I agree with riccoles, and i hate to say this but i think you have a weak personality..I think that you not standing up to her and arguing your point wasn't you being nice..Anyways, at least you've moved on and now have your freedom. I think you should've ended it a long time ago without having her do it for you (as you did everything else). I don't mean this in a harsh way but you should really stand up for yourself more and not let people walk all over you like that
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by riccoles)
    Nobody can be too nice.

    Don't change your ways because some people don't like it.
    Furthermore, don't let people walk all over you, because they will.

    There are times and places were you have to ditch your niceness... Take it from me
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by riccoles)
    Furthermore, don't let people walk all over you, because they will.

    There are times and places were you have to ditch your niceness... Take it from me
    Totally this.

    She shouldn't have been able to control you like that.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    I often think I'm too nice in that I agree to do more than I should and I'm nice to people regardless of how they behave towards me, but I think it's more being a pushover than being 'too nice'. Being nice is brilliant, I love nice people, but it's not good when you're doing things to please others whilst constantly putting yourself in uncomfortable positions. I reckon you're a bit like me in that you want to be liked by everyone all the time, even though it's impossible, even if it means jeopardising your own happiness for the sake of others. It's quite frustrating and not much fun, but it's a hard thing to break free from.

    It's much better to be nice without letting it always interfere with your life, but you know. It isn't always that straightforward.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: August 2, 2009
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Would you like to hibernate through the winter months?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.