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Weak reason for break up? Watch

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    (Original post by Pink Liquid)
    Does she still talk to you or anything? Or after finishing with you, she's moved on completely? If you're still friends, 3 weeks doesn't seem like a long time. You might still be able to work it out. If she doesn't talk to you, then it's clear she's over you.
    Well the thing is we were friends prior to the relationship and she still wants us to remain friends yet I don't know if I can. After having thought about it more I do feel hurt that she probably used a weak excuse to get out of the relationship. I know if she wanted out that's up to her and that's all good but it's like I had really strong feelings for her and she obviously didn't - sort of makes me feel like an idiot and I don't really think I can (or maybe not now) be friends with someone that sort of played me in that she always would say she did have strong feelings for me and loved me yet couldn't have that much.
    • #2
    #2

    Whatever you do, don't try to get her back. Cut all ties, she's clearly not worth your time. If it had become so one sided and you couldn't fix it, why try to sort it now? You get back and it's never going to be the same. You'll worry she's gonna do it again, you worry that it's going to be one sided once more and you can go round and round for years before you grow a backbone and get out of there. So stop this now, forget here, and concentrate on moving on. It's hard now, but trust me and everyone else on here, it gets easier in time. Give yourself a fair chance. Stop speaking to her, get rid of all reminders of here and forget her. I guarantee that in twelve weeks you'll feel great again
    • #2
    #2

    I said here. I meant her. Sorry! But seriously, she wants to stay friends so she doesn't feel so bad probably. Don't give her the time of day, she doesn't deserve it.
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    I broke up with my boyfriend recently, using very similar reasons which she used. I told him that I was a complete *****, that we couldn't work together because I wasn't the right girlfriend for him, that I wasn't making him happy. If I'm honest, the reason I chose to say those things was because I was no longer comfortable in the relationship and I wanted to put as much blame as possible on myself, even if it wasn't necessarily all true. I know it was cowardly, but it hurt me to hurt him. Though we didn't work as boyfriend and girlfriend, two months on we're really close friends.

    So many people are telling you to treat her harshly, and once you've done that you'll somehow magically get over her. But you admit that things weren't going well between you two, so the blame cannot be entirely hers. And 9months is a long time, I know i couldn't stay with someone for that long if I didn't feel a lot for him.

    I'm sure she's hurting, though it's easier to think that she's not. Were you her first boyfriend? I know my ex was angry and hurt for a while, but it was only when he forgave me and we talked again that both of us were properly able to move on. He's now probably my best friend.
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    (Original post by WrongWayUp)
    I broke up with my boyfriend recently, using very similar reasons which she used. I told him that I was a complete *****, that we couldn't work together because I wasn't the right girlfriend for him, that I wasn't making him happy. If I'm honest, the reason I chose to say those things was because I was no longer comfortable in the relationship and I wanted to put as much blame as possible on myself, even if it wasn't necessarily all true. I know it was cowardly, but it hurt me to hurt him. Though we didn't work as boyfriend and girlfriend, two months on we're really close friends.

    So many people are telling you to treat her harshly, and once you've done that you'll somehow magically get over her. But you admit that things weren't going well between you two, so the blame cannot be entirely hers. And 9months is a long time, I know i couldn't stay with someone for that long if I didn't feel a lot for him.

    I'm sure she's hurting, though it's easier to think that she's not. Were you her first boyfriend? I know my ex was angry and hurt for a while, but it was only when he forgave me and we talked again that both of us were properly able to move on. He's now probably my best friend.
    No I know it isn't enitrely her fault but, and this may be wrong of me, I think most of it was her fault. I know this is me saying this so it might be incorrect but she let it become very one-sided. I'll be honest in saying that maybe I could have tried more to just relax and not care much about the relationship and let her come to me but, believe me, I did try a few times (admittly could have done better) and she never came to me - around that time is when I felt it was pretty much over unless she was going to change.

    Yes, I was her first boyfriend and she was my first girlfriend. I'm sure she must have been hurting too but I think she's gotten over me quite quickly which, to me, just confirms that she can't have felt a lot about me. I can't know for sure, obviously, but it's things like how it was so easy for her to talk to me on MSN like nothing had happened - I mean I just couldn't do that a few days after breaking up because it would just be too hard - the fact that she could tells me she got over me really quickly.

    A part of me wants to continue being her friend because, prior to the relationship, we were close friends. However, I've encountered another side to her and I'm not sure that I can be her friend knowing that all my feelings for her were pretty meaningless because she didn't feel the same way. What I'm also worried about is for how long she wanted to break up with me before getting the opportunity - all the times inbetween we spent together and all the strong feelings I felt for her just, just meaningless. It's like when you feel like you are friends with someone and they act all nice around you but it's all fake and really they're making fun of you behind your back and then later you realise. It just feels wrong and pathetic of me to have felt all that for her when the feelings weren't mutual.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    No I know it isn't enitrely her fault but, and this may be wrong of me, I think most of it was her fault. I know this is me saying this so it might be incorrect but she let it become very one-sided. I'll be honest in saying that maybe I could have tried more to just relax and not care much about the relationship and let her come to me but, believe me, I did try a few times (admittly could have done better) and she never came to me - around that time is when I felt it was pretty much over unless she was going to change.

    Yes, I was her first boyfriend and she was my first girlfriend. I'm sure she must have been hurting too but I think she's gotten over me quite quickly which, to me, just confirms that she can't have felt a lot about me. I can't know for sure, obviously, but it's things like how it was so easy for her to talk to me on MSN like nothing had happened - I mean I just couldn't do that a few days after breaking up because it would just be too hard - the fact that she could tells me she got over me really quickly.

    A part of me wants to continue being her friend because, prior to the relationship, we were close friends. However, I've encountered another side to her and I'm not sure that I can be her friend knowing that all my feelings for her were pretty meaningless because she didn't feel the same way. What I'm also worried about is for how long she wanted to break up with me before getting the opportunity - all the times inbetween we spent together and all the strong feelings I felt for her just, just meaningless. It's like when you feel like you are friends with someone and they act all nice around you but it's all fake and really they're making fun of you behind your back and then later you realise. It just feels wrong and pathetic of me to have felt all that for her when the feelings weren't mutual.
    Cutting ties with her seems pretty much. This might create further problems later on in a few years if you ever saw her again. For example, she might not be able to look at you in the same way, or feel that you hurt her from cutting all ties with her. I do believe that you can remain friends, as a lot of people remain friends with their exes and there's always something 'about your first' that you never forget. All the relationships you have after, will probably never be like your first. Additionally, you seem really wound up about this whole situation which isn't unusual. However, how do you know that your ex gf isn't hurting just as much as you? Some people may try and put on a smile on their face, but deep down they are hurting. You seem to still mean something to her, if she still speaks to you or wants to remain friends. You say the relationship was more one-sided, were you very eager or pressurising/rushing the relationship?
    Basically, you can cut all ties with her, or just remain friends with her. People do get back together, although they do say this is never the same as before the break-up. Nevertheless, being friends is better than not being friends and she might even realise that you were worthy but she didn't give the relationship much chance. I can see that you have come on TSR to seek advice, but only you can make the decision. Good Luck
    • #1
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    (Original post by Pink Liquid)
    Cutting ties with her seems pretty much. This might create further problems later on in a few years if you ever saw her again. For example, she might not be able to look at you in the same way, or feel that you hurt her from cutting all ties with her. I do believe that you can remain friends, as a lot of people remain friends with their exes and there's always something 'about your first' that you never forget. All the relationships you have after, will probably never be like your first. Additionally, you seem really wound up about this whole situation which isn't unusual. However, how do you know that your ex gf isn't hurting just as much as you? Some people may try and put on a smile on their face, but deep down they are hurting. You seem to still mean something to her, if she still speaks to you or wants to remain friends. You say the relationship was more one-sided, were you very eager or pressurising/rushing the relationship?
    Basically, you can cut all ties with her, or just remain friends with her. People do get back together, although they do say this is never the same as before the break-up. Nevertheless, being friends is better than not being friends and she might even realise that you were worthy but she didn't give the relationship much chance. I can see that you have come on TSR to seek advice, but only you can make the decision. Good Luck
    I'm wound up about it because after being really sad about it all I've realised it was quite a pathetic "it's not you, it's me" excuse and, to be honest, I think after 9 months I deserve a real explanation rather than a pretty fake one. Even if she told me outright that she didn't like certain things about me - rather that so I can possibly work on my faults than nothing.

    Yes, I probably was quite eager as it was my first relationship and she was my first love. I can admit I was a little clingy (although I have told people of how clingy and some have said that it wouldn't even be regarded as clingy and just really caring) and so, yes, it may have been partly my fault that I let her get so accustomed to me running around and sorting out when to meet up or calling her but I felt like if I didn't she wouldn't bother (having proven it a few times when I relaxed and didn't bother).

    To be honest she has my Facebook and MSN yet recently hasn't bothered to contact me. If she really cared I'd think she would so it's up to her. I can try talking to her and see what happens but I don't want something like the relationship in which I'm the only one who even cares to have a friendship with her and she doesn't really care either way.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm wound up about it because after being really sad about it all I've realised it was quite a pathetic "it's not you, it's me" excuse and, to be honest, I think after 9 months I deserve a real explanation rather than a pretty fake one. Even if she told me outright that she didn't like certain things about me - rather that so I can possibly work on my faults than nothing.

    Yes, I probably was quite eager as it was my first relationship and she was my first love. I can admit I was a little clingy (although I have told people of how clingy and some have said that it wouldn't even be regarded as clingy and just really caring) and so, yes, it may have been partly my fault that I let her get so accustomed to me running around and sorting out when to meet up or calling her but I felt like if I didn't she wouldn't bother (having proven it a few times when I relaxed and didn't bother).



    To be honest she has my Facebook and MSN yet recently hasn't bothered to contact me. If she really cared I'd think she would so it's up to her. I can try talking to her and see what happens but I don't want something like the relationship in which I'm the only one who even cares to have a friendship with her and she doesn't really care either way.

    Don't bother trying to look for an explaination. By the sounds of things there might not be one, and if there is, chances are it won't be the one you're hoping for it to be.

    Whatever happened, happended...
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    Yeah, seems like she had already made up her mind about the relationship. Try not to worry aout it though (even though I know how hard this may be). Plently more fish in the sea. Also try and use it as a learning experiance, least you know what you want in a relationship now and also you will find someone who will do anything to change and be with you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm wound up about it because after being really sad about it all I've realised it was quite a pathetic "it's not you, it's me" excuse and, to be honest, I think after 9 months I deserve a real explanation rather than a pretty fake one. Even if she told me outright that she didn't like certain things about me - rather that so I can possibly work on my faults than nothing.

    Yes, I probably was quite eager as it was my first relationship and she was my first love. I can admit I was a little clingy (although I have told people of how clingy and some have said that it wouldn't even be regarded as clingy and just really caring) and so, yes, it may have been partly my fault that I let her get so accustomed to me running around and sorting out when to meet up or calling her but I felt like if I didn't she wouldn't bother (having proven it a few times when I relaxed and didn't bother).

    To be honest she has my Facebook and MSN yet recently hasn't bothered to contact me. If she really cared I'd think she would so it's up to her. I can try talking to her and see what happens but I don't want something like the relationship in which I'm the only one who even cares to have a friendship with her and she doesn't really care either way.
    Look you have to realise that for someone to go out with you for nine months she would have really liked you, probably loved you, for much of that time. It doesn't mean you've been duped, or shown to be an idiot, it just shows that she had reached the stage that she wanted to move on.

    You don't have to spend your whole life with someone to truly love them. You can honestly love someone for a time, but then for whatever reason choose to move on. Keep in mind that she did really like you (and probably still likes you a lot).

    In your situation it is much better to be out of a relationship that one person has stopped wanting than to force its continuation. Forcing it would only prolong the breakup and make it much more strained.

    I think part of the problem is that she's the first person you've really cared about like that, so you're worried about whether it will happen again. Remember that you've had a fairly long term relationship (which is more than many can say) so you're well experienced to start a new one.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    To be honest she has my Facebook and MSN yet recently hasn't bothered to contact me. If she really cared I'd think she would so it's up to her.
    Yet when she does contact you by msn, you say that you think she must be over you because she can talk to you easily online. I think the fact she still wants to be around you and talk to you shows that she cares - when I broke up with my ex, I still hung around him, patted him on the arm when I spoke to him and generally acted flirtatiously. It was stupid, but even though I'd finished it with him I still liked him. Yet whenever I saw him laughing and smiling and, worst of all, having his arm around another girl, I'd feel these horrible twinges of jealousy and run to the girls' loos to cry. I bet she's thinking that you're getting over her really fast too, and if she seems like she's over you, I'd be more than certain that she's not.

    Eitherway the relationship didn't work out, and like Cognito said forcing it to continue would have been awful, but it's not to say you two couldn't get back together in the future at some point.

    Also, I think it was important that you were her first boyfriend. I know I found it really weird and unnatural to have someone lavish attention on me, text me to meet up and say they miss me. I wasn't used to it and just assumed he was being clingy and obsessive, when I was the one with the problem. When he arranged dates (and by the way he initiated everything) I felt like he was restricting my life and hemming me in! Truthfully, part of it was that my attraction for him was starting to fade, but mostly I think because it was all so new. I think the real tragedy about the "it's not you, it's me" line, is that sometimes it's actually true.
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    Remember OP, 9 months is quite some time. Even 6 months is something to be proud of as most relationships don't even last more than 3 months. Me and my man haven't even reached our 6 month anniversary yet, and it's hard work to make a relationship work. Just embrace the fact that you enjoyed 9 months with her.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm wound up about it because after being really sad about it all I've realised it was quite a pathetic "it's not you, it's me" excuse and, to be honest, I think after 9 months I deserve a real explanation rather than a pretty fake one. Even if she told me outright that she didn't like certain things about me - rather that so I can possibly work on my faults than nothing.
    It sounds weak but that's just how it goes. You don't always get explanations in life, and the explanations you do get aren't always "enough".

    There's nothing really wrong with "it's not you, it's me" because it's often true. In this case, it sounds like things changed for her (and she may not even know what they are, it may not be that tangible) and it was no longer a relationship she could stay in so she took the door you opened and left. You knew things had changed but you didn't really want to acknowledge it.

    Even if she'd given you a list of "faults" it wouldn't make any difference because they could easily be things someone else would love about you.
 
 
 
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