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I think I'm on the verge of becoming a psychopath. watch

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    #1

    To put it bluntly, for the past few years I've had these urges/fantasies to kill or hurt people. They always end up with me either killing a lot of people for no reason, or killing someone but in a heroic fashion (i.e. killing a suicide bomber and saving others) but both always end in my death.
    I've seen a psychiatrist about this but he just told me that as long as they don't manifest into physical actions I'll be alright (no ****, doc).

    I don't usually care about these anymore, as it is a daily occurrence, but recently I've been forcing myself to stop doing something, like in my driving lessons sometimes I have to use all my willpower to stop from running someone over and I'll start to drift towards them when my instructor will say something and I'll snap out of it. The worst is when I'll be walking down the street and I'll be coming up to someone and I'll clench my fist, ready to hit them - no matter who they are.

    I also can't say "I love you too" to my parents, they say it to me and I just have to stay quiet, I can't say something that I don't mean.
    I've been depressed for a few years now, having seen a few psychologists, I really want to fix myself - just typing this is making me want to cry right now. I'm finding that I just keep randomly bursting into tears and I really want to end it, but I just don't have the balls.

    I want to see a psychologist again, but I just don't know how to say this stuff, every time I've been I've lied to them. I arrange a meeting then when I get there I just say "no, everything is alright now" and that's that. I'm a compulsive liar, I lie to my friends and family for no reason, they are sometimes just "I can't go out today", even though I can, to sometimes big lies which I just make up on the spot.

    Worst of all though is that I truly hate myself. I hate the way I look, I hate my personality, I hate everything about myself. Sometime I think the only way to fix it is to end it, or live with a load of Buddhists for the rest of my life :p:

    I want to do something before I go to uni in September, because as it stands now I don't think I'll be able to cope. I'm not very good at making friends anyway, but I've changed so much over the past few years that I can't imagine liking myself, let alone someone else liking me.
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    good god.
    also admitting it on tsr=not a good thing
    joke, actually i have nothing helpful to say..
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    You crazy son of a *****
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    No offense, but thank God I'm not replying to you in person.



    I iz safe over the internet.
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    Stop playing computer game ffs
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    Live with the buddhists.
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    I think you need to keep going back for help, untill they realise the seriousness of this
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    Kill someone. Then they'll take you seriously...




    (but don't actually)
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    Doesn't seem like a healthy lifestyle. What kind of foods are you eating?
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    Being on TSR is a good way to start...
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Oh, I probably should have said what I want from you. Basically I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I feel ridiculous asking for help because when I call up I have to say what is wrong with me and I get these dirty ******* looks from the idiot receptionists, and then I lie when I get in. I don't really know what to do.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Oh, I probably should have said what I want from you. Basically I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I feel ridiculous asking for help because when I call up I have to say what is wrong with me and I get these dirty ******* looks from the idiot receptionists, and then I lie when I get in. I don't really know what to do.
    Tell them the truth, if you don't, how can they ever help you?
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    ever thought about releasing all that anger and hate instead of snow-balling it up in the back of your mind?

    Grab a few pillows and beat them senseless until you tire yourself out. Better a set of pillows than an actual living person/thing. BTW this is not psychopathic, its just a way of venting steam. Other people do it in different ways. Some through sports (which is what i do), some through self-harm (a no-no + a cry for help) or some through video games.

    Also, lying to your shrink isnt the best thing. Better to be open and honest about this all. Heck you could even print your first post off and show it him/her. Might make you feel better to talk to someone about it face to face.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by .X.alysha.X.)
    Tell them the truth, if you don't, how can they ever help you?
    You don't realise how much I lie though. I'm pretty sure I'm the text book definition of a Machiavellian personality. I lie for sympathy, for money, and for no reason at all. That's why I'm not sure what to do.
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    Ways to increase self esteem:
    Eat healthily
    Exercise
    Meet people (even if you dont become friends, just having social contact helps, even if it's at a youth group, a pub, really just anything.
    If you dont have a job, try to get one (easier said than done right now but try).
    Save up a little money and go on holiday (borrow from your parents if they'll let you).
    Take up a sport (e.g. football, taekwondo, swimming etc.)
    Go to the library and read books.
    Read up on 'philosophy of life' or 'ethics' (in detail, not just the basics, but build it up slowly) and try to get your head around all the concepts.
    Set goals (could be as simple as go for a jog twice this week) www.43things.com might help you do this.
    Make your own luck - just because you keep thinking about killing people doesn't mean you need help. Take positive action. If you set your life on track by yourself you'll have the confidence to do anything.

    What you going to study btw? which uni?

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You don't realise how much I lie though. I'm pretty sure I'm the text book definition of a Machiavellian personality. I lie for sympathy, for money, and for no reason at all. That's why I'm not sure what to do.
    I used to lie a lot. Maybe not as much as you, but much more than I should have and for the same reasons. Perhaps what helped me will help you: you have to realise that you are severely underestimating your will power. It's hard when you build yourself up and get knocked back but you can. Every time. It is within your power to 'just stop'.
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    Get some hobbies like maybe fencing, joining a shooting range or martial arts. Or learn how to fly a helicopter or drive a tank.
    • #2
    #2

    This sounds a bit silly, but i think you just need somebody to love you, and appreciate you for who you are. Loneliness or rejection could spur on something like this; but with the constant support of a few close friends who understand you, you might be able to get through it. If you are going to university in september this is the perfect time to make friends and have a new fresh start. I know you said you find it difficult, but you've just got to remember that so many do, and everybody is in the same boat on their first day.

    Whatever thoughts come into your head, just dont act on them. Just keep telling yourself that. Pain will never help or cure anything.
    Good luck, admitting the problem is a step to solving it. I hope everything sorts itself out for you.
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    OP you're creating a psychopathic persona to compensate for your weak and 'trodden-on' self-image.

    Watch American Psycho.
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    Maybe write/type your issues down like you have here and show your doctors if you're having difficulty getting your feelings across. But that's certainly the only place where you're going to get the help you really need. Don't worry about the receptionists, the HCP themselves shouldn't jusge you and may actually help you.
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    It seems to me that the problem here is the way you think about yourself. Sometimes, when you hate yourself, you tend to hate the world and everyone else in it. (it happens to me sometimes :P) I know its not easy, but you got to change your perspective on life.
    And your right, the best thing to do would be to occupy yourself for the time being. Do some work, part-time, volunteer, or even simple stuffs like helping others with their chores maybe. You can also find something that you enjoy and go for it, go somewhere you've always wanted to go, hobbies like painting, reading, music...
    Stop thinking about the negative aspects of your life and focus on the good things. As the saying goes, if you want something you have never had, do something you've not done yet. (Im sure i got it wrong somewhere! )
    As for others not liking you, remember that 90% of what others see in you, is what you think of yourself.
    Instead of just wasting away your life in darkness, remember that you just get to live once. So make the best of it. We always have a choice, and we all have a dark side to ourselves.. its up to us to get rid of it. To let the light in us shine right through it.

    Sorry for the long reply and it might not sound so great, but after reading your post, I just wanted to help you, and this is the best I could come up with. ;P
 
 
 
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