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Why do I not have any friends? watch

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    • #8
    #8

    http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyon.../dp/007141858X

    *cough*
    http://rapidlibrary.com/download_fil...tionships+.PDF
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Throughout my current school (it's a boys school and I've just finished, I'm 18 now), I've led a rather lonely life, and I didn't have any friends throughout the whole of school. Strangely enough, at my last school (from ages 7-13) I was fairly popular.


    I've always though it was just the fact I'm rather shy and quiet, but having said that, plenty of shy and quiet people seem to make friends. I'm not very talkative, yet I do make an effort, initiate conversation with others and take interest in what others say. I do quite a lot of favours for people, but I've noticed that not a lot of people help me out (while people are always helping out/aiding their friends). Though because I'm quiet, I feel often that sometimes I'm ignored. Some people have said (behind my back) that I'm arrogant. Though personally I feel that that is completely unfounded, I'm pretty modest and don't boast about my achievements (as many others do).


    I'm pretty good at School, though I generally don't take much attention in lessons. I help out others when they get stuck on homework/classwork, but I often feel as if they're only pretending to be nice at that moment at time in order to obtain the help (and perhaps show their gratification). I don't really like school, as I don't really enjoy it. It's the little things that get to me, like when you have to when you have to pick a lab partner. Most of the time, I just have to tag along with a pair, or if there's an even number I'll be the guy they choose last.


    I think most people are nice and polite to me most of the time. There are a few people that act fairly unkindly but I don't think they change their nature of their personality just for me. I've tried to socialise with others, playing football with the same people, doing Young Enterprise with them, basically doing stuff with them. They don't mind me playing football with them and other things, but they never really want to invite me to anything outside of school e.g. parties. When I've asked them directly (I have only done this a few times), they've always come up with some sort of excuse, or say that "I wouldn't like it". It's pretty hurtful, as it's hard for me to summon up courage and ask them. Getting shot down all the time just makes me more depressed.


    Funnily enough I'm not really the geeky type. Though I'm only average at football, I'm very good at racket sports, e.g. badminton, tennis, squash, cricket. I'm pretty good at athletics too. I like playing sport, when your playing sport, it's not as hard to make people interact with you. They're kind of forced too. In fact playing sport is probably the only thing that I do like at school.


    My appearance isn't too bad, my haircut is fine I think and I dress OK (though everyone wears suits anyway at school). I don't think I'm particularly ugly (even then would that matter), and I've attracted quite a few girls in the past (even though I've never gone to parties). I've only asked out a girl who was attracted to me (or accepted her asking me out rather than politely declining her). We kind of got talking (I find it easier to talk to strangers,and people outside school) and I was upfront with her when she asked about friends and stuff (she was fairly inquisitive for some reason). After that she was always a bit uncomfortable, and finally she broke up with me anyway (though we only dated for a week in the summer holidays). But anyway, I'm not really looking for girlfriends at the moment anyway, I just wanted/want friends. In fact part of me doesn't really want a girl to see, or be exposed the depressed loner that I am.


    I don't drink alcohol, and I don't swear. I think a lot of people in school seem to think not swearing is strange, but I've never really felt comfortable swearing. It's probably due to my parents being really against swearing. I don't criticise others when they swear, I just don't do it myself.


    At the moment I'm fairly lonely and depressed, I kind of want to work out what's wrong with me and if it is just shyness, than how I can overcome it (or at least do something positive about it). I've kind of kept myself sane from boredom on the weekends, by doing volunteer work on Saturday for a couple of hours. It keeps me occupied and I guess it's something to look forward too. Plus I'm rather good at it, and I like playing/looking after the children anyway (it's a nice change from when you go from being in the background to being at the centre of attention and having to cope with some responsibility). Though I do still feel as if I'm missing out while people are having fun and going to parties etc. and I do get a bit depressed/saddened by it.


    I know I've finished school already, but I'd like to change my ways before university. I don't really want to reciprocate my life at school at university. Uni for me is going to be a long time for me (5 or 6 years as I'm studying medicine), and I'd like uni to be something worthwhile.



    I'd appreciate any advice or views you may have on the matter.
    Thank you.
    First of all, congratulations for getting a place at university to study medicine, because that in itself, as you must already know, is a huge achievement.
    Second off, the good news is that you probably won't see most of the people who went to your school unless you want to, so you can well and truly leave the past behind you and make a fresh start.
    I've learnt from experience that being quiet and shy sometimes comes across as stuck up and snobby. You genuinely sound like a nice guy and although you said other quiet people make friends, do the quiet ones at your school by any chance decide to stick together? I used to be quiet myself and although I've always had a close group of friends, I used to hear some people calling me stuck up and snobby etc because of my shyness. I think the trick is to smile more because it instantly makes people feel at ease with you and able to talk to you without feeling uncomfortable (this will also make the true you shine and show that you're friendly). Take it one step at a time and if you have already (sorry I don't know much about when fresher's week actually is) talk to as many people as you can, and bring something of interest or useful so it can be a main group forming point (so others come to see you and get to know you better). There's a whole section of tips for fresher's week on TSR (in the articles section) and for sure loads more if you do a quick google search.
    Try to put the past behind you and as you're unlikely to see many of your current classmates again.
    I'm in a similar situation with going to a new college this sept (not the one everyone from my school goes to) so I'm going to have to make new friends.
    Keep your chin up, because you should be looking forward to it
    You just need a bit more confidence and you're good to go. Plus it will help when you get to meet patients (as I'm sure you already know you will do quite a bit of if the course is less traditional like Cambridge's I've heard).
    Good luck on starting your course and making new friends
    PM me if you want to talk more
    P.S. Sorry it's so long! I don't know when to stop sometimes
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Should have wrote that I do actually contact them regularly just to see how they are and stuff, I always say 'we should do this', they'll agree but it never happens. Its never reciprocated though, so it always feels pretty ****** to be making the effort all the time.
    Oh. :console:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    haha, I had to paragraph it well as it's pretty long. I didn't want people to be put off by a huge block of thread. In fact I left 2 lines between each paragraph to make it easier to read. Still some people were put off by it's length.

    I don't know why people would be jealous of my intellect. I don't really think how well you perform at school really gives an accurate measure of intellect. There are plenty of people who do very well academically, and I don't think people bear any prejudice against them.

    In fact I'm flattered that you consider me to be of a good standard of intellect. Personally if I were so intelligent, I'd be able to use it to figure out the right words to say and how to make friends in the first place. There's got to be some intelligence that people have in order to successfully charm others and make friends. To me that's real intelligence.
    there are different parts of your brain for academic and social skills. often one is more developed than the other. and in your case it seems social is underdeveloped.

    id say real intelligence is having both. although it depends. you dont need to have friends to get a nobel prize and vice versa do you not need to even get to uni to have friends.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for the thoughtful post.

    I have tried talking to my parents but they don't really think much about it. They keep going on how life was harder for them when they were children etc. (even though they did not suffer the misfortune of having no friends, so often what they say isn't really relevant). In fact for some reason my parents keep criticising me all the time, comparing me to others. One of the worst things I dread is when they go to parents evening/ or get my report card. I always do well in terms of grade wise, but teachers always mention that I'm too quiet and should participate more. After that happens my parents go on a long rant saying how I'll fail in exams if I don't participate in class (in short, I get a telling off, with lots of shouting). I try to participate but I'm a bit shy (plus I don't really feel the need to ask the teacher for help much).

    I'm not great at small talk really. I do try and initiate conversations but it's difficult for me as I'm so shy at school. I don't really know why I'm shy, I've always thought it's probably just something to do with genetics. I don't really obsess over academics though, I just want to do well enough to get into uni and study medicine. That's really the main motive. I like reading books and watching documentaries but actually being forced to study the A level or GCSE curriculum, I find boring and tiresome. Perhaps part of the reason is because I'm not particularly happy at school when I'm being taught it.

    I'm actually not that interested in watching sport, just playing it. I don't follow football for example but I do like playing it.

    I have actually practised in the mirror to try and overcome my shyness in school. At school for some reason seems worse than outside of school or home. Practising with the mirror didn't really work as you may of guessed though.

    I'm worried about uni, as I honestly don't really think it will be any different from school. People don't magically change when they go to uni (or I don't think they do). Most people will be able to make friends at any school. I'm slightly pessimistic about things changing at uni at the moment. That's why I really want to change myself, perhaps appear more likeable to others at uni. I feel as if uni is my last chance. I don't think I could stand being as miserable as I am at the moment for 5 more years.
    Sorry in advance for the long post, I didn't know how to keep myself short(er).

    Your relationship to your parents is marked by missunderstanding and, so it seems, lack of communication.
    Your parents criticize you whenever there is a reason, or at least the opportunity to. You may ask yourself: You parents tell you everytime they critizise and compare you that you are not o.k.- you just can't satisfy them- what if (and that's quite common) you adopted this thinking? What if you think you do not well, not matter how, when, what, who?- it's never good.
    As children we easily adopt our parents thinking, because our lifes depend on them and we think of them as gods- until we discover our own thinking and abilities. I am not guessing, that's fact and written down many times.
    I am not saying that your parents are bad or evil; they're also humans and may not even realize (I'm quite sure they don't) what impact their criticism has on you. Have you told them what you think about being compared and criticized? Talking about it and being honest is the first thing you should do.

    Of course being shy has something to do with genetics, but only up to a certain degree. Education, our childhood is way more important in terms of creating our character. The basis is given by genetics, that is true. You probably will never be the guy who likes to hold speeches or discuss loudly, standing in the middle of the room and saying 'hey guys, listen up!'. You don't have to and that's is what so interesting about being individual.

    I have a very good friend, we've been together for over 13 years, a guy, who used to be extremely shy at school and infront of authority, in public- anywhere but at home. He was good at school; but just didn't participate at all.
    His mother was a control-freak; I don't have to explain the whole story, but what I want you to know is that she controlled him so much, she didn't like me because I dared to doubt her decisions; he never did- he didn't know that life could be different- how should he have known?
    When he got older, 17yrs, he somewhat started participating in school, but still only a few times a day and not much- I always asked him- 'why don't you just say it? you know the answers!' and once he told me he just couldn't say a word when I was with him.
    We seperated and didn't see us for almost one year (means outside school, being in the same classes was surely a problem) and he could just evolve- he started saying what he thought, he could doubt his mother and me (my personality and his mother's have a lot similarities)- and today, without being controlled by me nor his mother, he can speak out his mind, participate in life.
    But still, he is more quiet than me, less noticable, less offending- because it is not his character to be like me- extrovert.

    I never intended to control him- but I have done for years, without knowing- we both never though about something- why should we, everything seemed fine. And some day, it wasn't fine anymore for him. He wanted to get out of himself, and now it is fine again.

    Don't try to be more likable to others, try to be more likable to yourself. When you like yourself, you walk differently, sit differently, talk differently- 'charisma' is not just based on outer appearance and eloquency- but also on your very own thinking about yourself.
    Or how do you know that somebody is arrogant by looking at him/her? Or shy, or whatever. Start from the inside.

    I think you are stuck in a depression about who you are, you try to gain social skills by practising infront of the mirror because you are sick of having no friends- but are you sick of being shy?
    Do you want to change your way of how you see yourself, taking into account that it is not easy and you may experience set-backs? Do you want to confront yourself with your identity, with the great "WHY?"?

    Be honest to yourself. Being desperate about how miserable your life is is a completely different thing than wanting to change something.
    I don't value your answer- if you said 'no, I'm not willing to change something', then so be it. It is up to you, it is your decision how long you want to be depressed about your situation. A lot of people like being depressed/angry/sad/miserable about something, because they like the attention and the possibilty of talking about something- maybe you like, too? (I wouldn't say so based on what I've read so far)

    If you said yes(to the question if you wanted to change something), then- well, there are plenty of things you could do then. I'd be keen on giving you advice if you like, but it's your decision. Go to your parents, talk to them clearly, maybe you write down what you want to say, to be more self-confident is such a conversation. You could also write them a letter. I did that some times. Sometimes writing is easier.

    Start reading books about your issue- I really, strongly recommend "I'm OK, You're OK" by Thomas A. Harris, I have read this and the 2nd book, too, it might help you especially when you want to figure your things out without the aid of therapists. Unfortunately lots of people think that if you meet a therapist, you're crazy, suicidal, messed up or a wretch- from my own experience I say: lol, rubbish.
    Again, just one example what you can do.

    I also higly doubt that everything changes magically at university, but for some people it really worked.

    So many people on this world are stuck in your position until they die, I'm just confident that you may want to do things differently.


    //Edit: You may ignore my posts if you can make friends by putting effort into conversations and stuff, it sometimes is really that easy.
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    Hang in there mate. I know it's hard for you, it's a terrible thing to suffer from loneliness. From one of your other post it seems you don't even have a good relationship with your parents, which is a shame as you seem to be doing everything right (in fact I've got no idea why they shout and criticise at you, you don't really seem to be doing anything wrong. You seem to be a very nice person.

    I think perhaps you're being overly polite. Some people get a bit agitated when people are too polite, in fact it wouldn't hurt to annoy them or piss them off occasionally, it reminds them that you're human (and they can treat you as they would do most people).
    • #9
    #9

    I'm kind of in the same position, though at the moment I'm thinking uni can be a fresh start. The thing is to probably stay optimistic. If you go to uni thinking you're not going to make any friends, chances are you won't.
    I do sympathise with your problem OP, and hope stuff gets better at uni.
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    I do understand the state of being among a lot of people but befriending none. Actually, I've once read somewhere that "A person who has a lot of friends is the one who has none". True friendship is hard to find and does take time. You can look for friends by joining clubs, going to events where there are a lot of people who share something with you... However, the most important thing is that do not make friends with someone you don't even like just because you need one. I believe that a good friend will show up soon ^^
    P/S: Feel free to email me: [email protected] , I can be a pen pal. You seem to be a good guy. I love making friends with people all over the world.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Throughout my current school (it's a boys school and I've just finished, I'm 18 now), I've led a rather lonely life, and I didn't have any friends throughout the whole of school. Strangely enough, at my last school (from ages 7-13) I was fairly popular.


    I've always though it was just the fact I'm rather shy and quiet, but having said that, plenty of shy and quiet people seem to make friends. I'm not very talkative, yet I do make an effort, initiate conversation with others and take interest in what others say. I do quite a lot of favours for people, but I've noticed that not a lot of people help me out (while people are always helping out/aiding their friends). Though because I'm quiet, I feel often that sometimes I'm ignored. Some people have said (behind my back) that I'm arrogant. Though personally I feel that that is completely unfounded, I'm pretty modest and don't boast about my achievements (as many others do).


    I'm pretty good at School, though I generally don't take much attention in lessons. I help out others when they get stuck on homework/classwork, but I often feel as if they're only pretending to be nice at that moment at time in order to obtain the help (and perhaps show their gratification). I don't really like school, as I don't really enjoy it. It's the little things that get to me, like when you have to when you have to pick a lab partner. Most of the time, I just have to tag along with a pair, or if there's an even number I'll be the guy they choose last.


    I think most people are nice and polite to me most of the time. There are a few people that act fairly unkindly but I don't think they change their nature of their personality just for me. I've tried to socialise with others, playing football with the same people, doing Young Enterprise with them, basically doing stuff with them. They don't mind me playing football with them and other things, but they never really want to invite me to anything outside of school e.g. parties. When I've asked them directly (I have only done this a few times), they've always come up with some sort of excuse, or say that "I wouldn't like it". It's pretty hurtful, as it's hard for me to summon up courage and ask them. Getting shot down all the time just makes me more depressed.


    Funnily enough I'm not really the geeky type. Though I'm only average at football, I'm very good at racket sports, e.g. badminton, tennis, squash, cricket. I'm pretty good at athletics too. I like playing sport, when your playing sport, it's not as hard to make people interact with you. They're kind of forced too. In fact playing sport is probably the only thing that I do like at school.


    My appearance isn't too bad, my haircut is fine I think and I dress OK (though everyone wears suits anyway at school). I don't think I'm particularly ugly (even then would that matter), and I've attracted quite a few girls in the past (even though I've never gone to parties). I've only asked out a girl who was attracted to me (or accepted her asking me out rather than politely declining her). We kind of got talking (I find it easier to talk to strangers,and people outside school) and I was upfront with her when she asked about friends and stuff (she was fairly inquisitive for some reason). After that she was always a bit uncomfortable, and finally she broke up with me anyway (though we only dated for a week in the summer holidays). But anyway, I'm not really looking for girlfriends at the moment anyway, I just wanted/want friends. In fact part of me doesn't really want a girl to see, or be exposed the depressed loner that I am.


    I don't drink alcohol, and I don't swear. I think a lot of people in school seem to think not swearing is strange, but I've never really felt comfortable swearing. It's probably due to my parents being really against swearing. I don't criticise others when they swear, I just don't do it myself.


    At the moment I'm fairly lonely and depressed, I kind of want to work out what's wrong with me and if it is just shyness, than how I can overcome it (or at least do something positive about it). I've kind of kept myself sane from boredom on the weekends, by doing volunteer work on Saturday for a couple of hours. It keeps me occupied and I guess it's something to look forward too. Plus I'm rather good at it, and I like playing/looking after the children anyway (it's a nice change from when you go from being in the background to being at the centre of attention and having to cope with some responsibility). Though I do still feel as if I'm missing out while people are having fun and going to parties etc. and I do get a bit depressed/saddened by it.


    I know I've finished school already, but I'd like to change my ways before university. I don't really want to reciprocate my life at school at university. Uni for me is going to be a long time for me (5 or 6 years as I'm studying medicine), and I'd like uni to be something worthwhile.



    I'd appreciate any advice or views you may have on the matter.
    Thank you.
    Your letter was beautifully written, easily the most poignant note I've read on here, so thank you.

    High school is superficial, image is the only currency of value and you got a bum deal when yours was assigned to you, and no matter what you do, you were never suddenly going to be cool or popular.

    Thankfully thats not how the real world works, which is why a lot of people looking back detest the experience. Your going to meet people in university who you share genuine interests with so you wont have to fein small talk with anyone, and don't even bother to try. Do favors for people by all means, but never be taken advantage of, it shows you undervalue yourself, and others will undervalue you.

    I utterly respect your candid nature, and the honesty you displayed with your ex-girlfriend, that kind of honesty is what most people look for when it comes to genuine long term friendships.

    I guess you'll be living in halls when you get to uni, people on your flaw will probably go through the process of asking everyone where their from, and what their reading after they've settled in. Why not ask everyone if their up for going to the student bar for a drink, you can stick to orange juice, but just get to know people, who knows you may make lifetime friends that day, or you may have to wait a bit longer, but you will be setting the right tone.

    If you ever need to talk about anything, feel free to message me.

    Hang in there, you are going to do alright.
    • #9
    #9

    (Original post by Lindath)
    Sorry in advance for the long post, I didn't know how to keep myself short(er).

    Your relationship to your parents is marked by missunderstanding and, so it seems, lack of communication.
    Your parents criticize you whenever there is a reason, or at least the opportunity to. You may ask yourself: You parents tell you everytime they critizise and compare you that you are not o.k.- you just can't satisfy them- what if (and that's quite common) you adopted this thinking? What if you think you do not well, not matter how, when, what, who?- it's never good.
    As children we easily adopt our parents thinking, because our lifes depend on them and we think of them as gods- until we discover our own thinking and abilities. I am not guessing, that's fact and written down many times.
    I am not saying that your parents are bad or evil; they're also humans and may not even realize (I'm quite sure they don't) what impact their criticism has on you. Have you told them what you think about being compared and criticized? Talking about it and being honest is the first thing you should do.

    Of course being shy has something to do with genetics, but only up to a certain degree. Education, our childhood is way more important in terms of creating our character. The basis is given by genetics, that is true. You probably will never be the guy who likes to hold speeches or discuss loudly, standing in the middle of the room and saying 'hey guys, listen up!'. You don't have to and that's is what so interesting about being individual.

    I have a very good friend, we've been together for over 13 years, a guy, who used to be extremely shy at school and infront of authority, in public- anywhere but at home. He was good at school; but just didn't participate at all.
    His mother was a control-freak; I don't have to explain the whole story, but what I want you to know is that she controlled him so much, she didn't like me because I dared to doubt her decisions; he never did- he didn't know that life could be different- how should he have known?
    When he got older, 17yrs, he somewhat started participating in school, but still only a few times a day and not much- I always asked him- 'why don't you just say it? you know the answers!' and once he told me he just couldn't say a word when I was with him.
    We seperated and didn't see us for almost one year (means outside school, being in the same classes was surely a problem) and he could just evolve- he started saying what he thought, he could doubt his mother and me (my personality and his mother's have a lot similarities)- and today, without being controlled by me nor his mother, he can speak out his mind, participate in life.
    But still, he is more quiet than me, less noticable, less offending- because it is not his character to be like me- extrovert.

    I never intended to control him- but I have done for years, without knowing- we both never though about something- why should we, everything seemed fine. And some day, it wasn't fine anymore for him. He wanted to get out of himself, and now it is fine again.

    Don't try to be more likable to others, try to be more likable to yourself. When you like yourself, you walk differently, sit differently, talk differently- 'charisma' is not just based on outer appearance and eloquency- but also on your very own thinking about yourself.
    Or how do you know that somebody is arrogant by looking at him/her? Or shy, or whatever. Start from the inside.

    I think you are stuck in a depression about who you are, you try to gain social skills by practising infront of the mirror because you are sick of having no friends- but are you sick of being shy?
    Do you want to change your way of how you see yourself, taking into account that it is not easy and you may experience set-backs? Do you want to confront yourself with your identity, with the great "WHY?"?

    Be honest to yourself. Being desperate about how miserable your life is is a completely different thing than wanting to change something.
    I don't value your answer- if you said 'no, I'm not willing to change something', then so be it. It is up to you, it is your decision how long you want to be depressed about your situation. A lot of people like being depressed/angry/sad/miserable about something, because they like the attention and the possibilty of talking about something- maybe you like, too? (I wouldn't say so based on what I've read so far)

    If you said yes(to the question if you wanted to change something), then- well, there are plenty of things you could do then. I'd be keen on giving you advice if you like, but it's your decision. Go to your parents, talk to them clearly, maybe you write down what you want to say, to be more self-confident is such a conversation. You could also write them a letter. I did that some times. Sometimes writing is easier.

    Start reading books about your issue- I really, strongly recommend "I'm OK, You're OK" by Thomas A. Harris, I have read this and the 2nd book, too, it might help you especially when you want to figure your things out without the aid of therapists. Unfortunately lots of people think that if you meet a therapist, you're crazy, suicidal, messed up or a wretch- from my own experience I say: lol, rubbish.
    Again, just one example what you can do.

    I also higly doubt that everything changes magically at university, but for some people it really worked.

    So many people on this world are stuck in your position until they die, I'm just confident that you may want to do things differently.


    //Edit: You may ignore my posts if you can make friends by putting effort into conversations and stuff, it sometimes is really that easy.
    I'm OK, you're OK is a great book. I'll second that suggestion.
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    (Original post by Cook)
    **** em mate, don't bother with those tossers at school if they can't see what a good friend you are and they don't know what they're missing.

    **** your parents for not allowing you to swear, that's ********, swearing is such a good way to get the anger out of your system, who gives a **** if you swear? Nothing bad is gonna happen to you.

    And did I seriously read you don't drink alcohol lol? Come on, if you're shy do you really think staying sober is the best way to overcome that shyness?
    While I don't agree with all of what's said in this post, the general gist of it I do. Don't become obsessed with caring that you don't have any friends. You'll just feel more depressed if you do. If you make friends, great, but really you shouldn't let it get to you.

    Chances are at uni it'll be different anyway.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Lindath)
    Sorry in advance for the long post, I didn't know how to keep myself short(er).

    Your relationship to your parents is marked by missunderstanding and, so it seems, lack of communication.
    Your parents criticize you whenever there is a reason, or at least the opportunity to. You may ask yourself: You parents tell you everytime they critizise and compare you that you are not o.k.- you just can't satisfy them- what if (and that's quite common) you adopted this thinking? What if you think you do not well, not matter how, when, what, who?- it's never good.
    As children we easily adopt our parents thinking, because our lifes depend on them and we think of them as gods- until we discover our own thinking and abilities. I am not guessing, that's fact and written down many times.
    I am not saying that your parents are bad or evil; they're also humans and may not even realize (I'm quite sure they don't) what impact their criticism has on you. Have you told them what you think about being compared and criticized? Talking about it and being honest is the first thing you should do.

    Of course being shy has something to do with genetics, but only up to a certain degree. Education, our childhood is way more important in terms of creating our character. The basis is given by genetics, that is true. You probably will never be the guy who likes to hold speeches or discuss loudly, standing in the middle of the room and saying 'hey guys, listen up!'. You don't have to and that's is what so interesting about being individual.

    I have a very good friend, we've been together for over 13 years, a guy, who used to be extremely shy at school and infront of authority, in public- anywhere but at home. He was good at school; but just didn't participate at all.
    His mother was a control-freak; I don't have to explain the whole story, but what I want you to know is that she controlled him so much, she didn't like me because I dared to doubt her decisions; he never did- he didn't know that life could be different- how should he have known?
    When he got older, 17yrs, he somewhat started participating in school, but still only a few times a day and not much- I always asked him- 'why don't you just say it? you know the answers!' and once he told me he just couldn't say a word when I was with him.
    We seperated and didn't see us for almost one year (means outside school, being in the same classes was surely a problem) and he could just evolve- he started saying what he thought, he could doubt his mother and me (my personality and his mother's have a lot similarities)- and today, without being controlled by me nor his mother, he can speak out his mind, participate in life.
    But still, he is more quiet than me, less noticable, less offending- because it is not his character to be like me- extrovert.

    I never intended to control him- but I have done for years, without knowing- we both never though about something- why should we, everything seemed fine. And some day, it wasn't fine anymore for him. He wanted to get out of himself, and now it is fine again.

    Don't try to be more likable to others, try to be more likable to yourself. When you like yourself, you walk differently, sit differently, talk differently- 'charisma' is not just based on outer appearance and eloquency- but also on your very own thinking about yourself.
    Or how do you know that somebody is arrogant by looking at him/her? Or shy, or whatever. Start from the inside.

    I think you are stuck in a depression about who you are, you try to gain social skills by practising infront of the mirror because you are sick of having no friends- but are you sick of being shy?
    Do you want to change your way of how you see yourself, taking into account that it is not easy and you may experience set-backs? Do you want to confront yourself with your identity, with the great "WHY?"?

    Be honest to yourself. Being desperate about how miserable your life is is a completely different thing than wanting to change something.
    I don't value your answer- if you said 'no, I'm not willing to change something', then so be it. It is up to you, it is your decision how long you want to be depressed about your situation. A lot of people like being depressed/angry/sad/miserable about something, because they like the attention and the possibilty of talking about something- maybe you like, too? (I wouldn't say so based on what I've read so far)

    If you said yes(to the question if you wanted to change something), then- well, there are plenty of things you could do then. I'd be keen on giving you advice if you like, but it's your decision. Go to your parents, talk to them clearly, maybe you write down what you want to say, to be more self-confident is such a conversation. You could also write them a letter. I did that some times. Sometimes writing is easier.

    Start reading books about your issue- I really, strongly recommend "I'm OK, You're OK" by Thomas A. Harris, I have read this and the 2nd book, too, it might help you especially when you want to figure your things out without the aid of therapists. Unfortunately lots of people think that if you meet a therapist, you're crazy, suicidal, messed up or a wretch- from my own experience I say: lol, rubbish.
    Again, just one example what you can do.

    I also higly doubt that everything changes magically at university, but for some people it really worked.

    So many people on this world are stuck in your position until they die, I'm just confident that you may want to do things differently.


    //Edit: You may ignore my posts if you can make friends by putting effort into conversations and stuff, it sometimes is really that easy.
    Hi
    I'm generally a fairly positive person, I tend to smile a lot and try to help others where I can. I've been offsetting the loneliness for some time. I do care that I don't have friends, as as the years have gone past, it's the situation I find myself in becomes more apparent. I don't really want to wallow in self pity as such, I want to do something active about it. The problem is that I'm not exactly sure how I go about that. Joining clubs and societies I've tried to do but they haven't worked. I can't just will myself to not be shy as the fact of the matter is that I am, but perhaps I think I may be able to act in certain ways that might make me more appealing to others, i.e. changing little things. It's possible to be shy yet popular at the same time. Part of the reason why I might be so shy especially at school as I haven't felt comfortable, haven't had the friends to rely on to help me through school.

    I don't say the answers as most of the time most people can answer it (I don't really get a thrill out of "well done" said by the teacher). If no one else can answer it, sure I'll answer the question.

    The main aspects I struggle with may be classed as small talk. I can never really crack that. I'm actually pretty good at speeches and presenting as it's a different sort of thing. If you give me a topic to talk about it, I'll talk about it in detail and eloquently (well hopefully). I don't really feel shy doing that sort of thing. It's when you're talking to others, trying to make an impression that makes me shy. I get nervous, it takes more effort. Conversation between people also is slighty more random, I'm unable to transform random or everyday events into something interesting (which some have a talent at). At home, I'm a lot better at this (even outside school I'm better at it), but at school I fail to foster friendships and when those friendships between school friends are already in place, I feel as if I'm shunned when I try to be friendly to others. Sure people are polite to me, but there's a difference between offering the hand of friendship and being polite. Often especially later on at school, I felt as if I was the one trying hard to initiate conversation when they weren't really bothered/trying.

    I don't generally want to bring attention to myself so much. I don't take much pride in having a problem which others have. I know what you mean, but really for most of the time at school I've tried to just carry on with my normal life, trying not to obsess over it. It's actually not so much fun to ponder over it. In fact in the early years of school I just kept reassuring myself that'd I'd make friends, and there was plenty of time to make friends. It was only during the last year of school that depression really started kicking in. I've always been bothered about not having friends, loneliness is very hard to ignore. The trick really for me is just keeping myself busy all the time, or do stuff like go to Kingston myself or hang around in the park and talk to strangers. It's really because uni is going to start, my longing for friends is gaining new vigour and I want to make a decent start at it at uni. I feel as if I must of done something wrong at school, and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes.
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    #1

    (Original post by EskimoJo)
    You actually sound really lovely! Is there something you're not telling us?! :hmmm:

    Anyway, I think if you carry on being yourself but are a bit more open-minded to the drink thing (at least during the first few weeks) you'll be fine at Uni. I think you've just been unlucky.
    I think sometimes people say that I talk a bit too formal (in fact how I'm writing here bears a certain resemblance of how I speak). Partly it's due to as I like this style of talking (it becomes more naturally to me) and also perhaps as I don't have the ingenuity to pick the right words or carry off a few words in a good manner. I've noticed that especially jokes among boys don't really possess much wit a lot of the time, it's often to do with how you react or the manner in which you tell the joke to attract attention. I've noticed a lot of people who are particulalrly good at conveying the element of fake stupidity in jokes and are very successful at it. In fact some can say just about anything and people laugh. I've often been told not every joke has to be funny and it's more to do with confidence how people react. Though I don't think I've really ever felt that confident (especially at school) and often my attempts seem to fail miserably however hard I try.

    I don't think I've necessarily been unlucky as most people should be able to make friends with anyone. I think I will be more open minded about the drink thing. But still I don't see who drinking alcohol can immediately change the situation. Most people will have decent conversations and foster friendships whilst being sober. I wouldn't judge someone's personality only bearing in mind the way he acts while he is drunk. But yes I might indulge in drinking of some sort to perhaps vanquish thoughts of me being "uptight"
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    aw you sound so much like me. I haven't got any friends either and have absolutely no idea why.

    Stick it out for now sometimes at uni things turn around, sometimes they don't, the only thing I can suggest is once uni comes (wouldn't bother now it's probably too late) have a drink and try not to be as shy then you might be able to make some friends. I don't drink and I'm shy as hell so have the same problem, wish I'd had a few during freshers. You can possibly make friends in societies, if you're good at a sport people seem more willing to get to know you than being the rubbish one always coming last dunno why just always seems that way.

    What year are you in? I must have missed that.
    I've just finished school so I've just finished upper sixth. I'll be going to uni in September.
    Are societies at uni more social? At school, most of the societies (and there weren't to many) were focused upon playing sports, e.g. badminton club or something like debating or writing an article in the school journal (incidentally I've gone to all of those clubs mentioned). They're not really good places to make friends. In fact a lot of them are chaired/organised by teachers.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've just finished school so I've just finished upper sixth. I'll be going to uni in September.
    Are societies at uni more social? At school, most of the societies (and there weren't to many) were focused upon playing sports, e.g. badminton club or something like debating or writing an article in the school journal (incidentally I've gone to all of those clubs mentioned). They're not really good places to make friends. In fact a lot of them are chaired/organised by teachers.
    Oh that's cool then you haven't got that long to wait until you can, hopefully, start making friends.

    The ones at uni in my experience tend to have "socials" where you basically go to a bar and get really pissed (some do stuff like bowling or ice skating occasionally but it's mostly go to a bar ones) like once every few weeks. Some have them more often, some less often, the sports team I'm in is once a term socials so it's quite hard to talk to people. But at the sports fair most unis have you can speak to people running societies and ask what their socials are like and how often they are and then join societies that suit you. You don't drink (if I remember rightly...) so you might find it a little harder to socialise because a lot of sports societies in particular tend to focus on drinking but don't let it put you off just go along and have a coke just being there should help you make friends.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I think sometimes people say that I talk a bit too formal (in fact how I'm writing here bears a certain resemblance of how I speak). Partly it's due to as I like this style of talking (it becomes more naturally to me) and also perhaps as I don't have the ingenuity to pick the right words or carry off a few words in a good manner. I've noticed that especially jokes among boys don't really possess much wit a lot of the time, it's often to do with how you react or the manner in which you tell the joke to attract attention. I've noticed a lot of people who are particulalrly good at conveying the element of fake stupidity in jokes and are very successful at it. In fact some can say just about anything and people laugh. I've often been told not every joke has to be funny and it's more to do with confidence how people react. Though I don't think I've really ever felt that confident (especially at school) and often my attempts seem to fail miserably however hard I try.

    I don't think I've necessarily been unlucky as most people should be able to make friends with anyone. I think I will be more open minded about the drink thing. But still I don't see who drinking alcohol can immediately change the situation. Most people will have decent conversations and foster friendships whilst being sober. I wouldn't judge someone's personality only bearing in mind the way he acts while he is drunk. But yes I might indulge in drinking of some sort to perhaps vanquish thoughts of me being "uptight"
    You don't have to have the confidence to tell an unwitty joke, you just have to be friendly enough to laugh along, even when it's a bit silly! Don't think of the flaws in the joke. Jokes contain unreal situations. To be honest, people laughing happily and freely usually makes me laugh or at least smile (unless I'm trying to concentrate or unless I can hear/sense that there is maliciousness going on) - I like hearing laughter.

    About the drinking thing, I just meant that as you don't go to parties and are quite shy, you might find it difficult/uncomfortable to chat to people during Freshers' week with all the parties and things that will be going on. Some of the clubs/societies I joined had their get-togethers in bars/pubs so even if you reject all clubbing, but join a film club or something, you might find it hard to mingle with them. I'm not suggesting you make friends who only like you when you drink, I'm suggesting you may find it easier to let your personality out if a bit of alcohol has relaxed you (and I mean a bit, vomitting on a stranger's shoes isn't going to make them invite you round for some gaming). You can stop drinking after you've got into the habit of chatting freely to people and no longer need something to relax you first. I should take my own advice and might try some sober nights out when I go back to Uni actually!

    I like the way you speak by the way. :yes: And most people can't make friends with anyone, there are people you just click with and some you can't click with. With the great mix and freedom that comes with Uni in contrast with school, it's that bit easier to find the right people. I still think you've been unlucky.
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    (Original post by littletinysmall)
    Honestly, you sound a little uptight. It's hard to make an effort with uptight people when it ends up being just that - an effort
    what do you mean about being a bit uptight i think i'm similar in the sense that people always see it as i'm an "effort" to talk too.
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    #1

    (Original post by EskimoJo)
    You don't have to have the confidence to tell an unwitty joke, you just have to be friendly enough to laugh along, even when it's a bit silly! Don't think of the flaws in the joke. Jokes contain unreal situations. To be honest, people laughing happily and freely usually makes me laugh or at least smile (unless I'm trying to concentrate or unless I can hear/sense that there is maliciousness going on) - I like hearing laughter.

    About the drinking thing, I just meant that as you don't go to parties and are quite shy, you might find it difficult/uncomfortable to chat to people during Freshers' week with all the parties and things that will be going on. Some of the clubs/societies I joined had their get-togethers in bars/pubs so even if you reject all clubbing, but join a film club or something, you might find it hard to mingle with them. I'm not suggesting you make friends who only like you when you drink, I'm suggesting you may find it easier to let your personality out if a bit of alcohol has relaxed you (and I mean a bit, vomitting on a stranger's shoes isn't going to make them invite you round for some gaming). You can stop drinking after you've got into the habit of chatting freely to people and no longer need something to relax you first. I should take my own advice and might try some sober nights out when I go back to Uni actually!

    I like the way you speak by the way. :yes: And most people can't make friends with anyone, there are people you just click with and some you can't click with. With the great mix and freedom that comes with Uni in contrast with school, it's that bit easier to find the right people. I still think you've been unlucky.
    (Original post by EskimoJo)
    I'm not suggesting you make friends who only like you when you drink, I'm suggesting you may find it easier to let your personality out if a bit of alcohol has relaxed you (and I mean a bit, vomitting on a stranger's shoes isn't going to make them invite you round for some gaming). You can stop drinking after you've got into the habit of chatting freely to people and no longer need something to relax you first. I should take my own advice and might try some sober nights out when I go back to Uni actually!
    That's actually pretty smart. I never thought of it in that way. I might try that.

    I don't usually think of the flaws in jokes. I do find myself laughing to some of them, and even if I don't find them particulalrly funny I'll still smile or wear a look of bemusement.

    Again a lot of that's pretty useful advice. Thank you!
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    (Original post by Hamcock)
    r u an ethnic minority? do u act gay?
    Gaily is the adverb, my friend. You learn slow, don't you?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi
    I'm generally a fairly positive person, I tend to smile a lot and try to help others where I can. I've been offsetting the loneliness for some time. I do care that I don't have friends, as as the years have gone past, it's the situation I find myself in becomes more apparent. I don't really want to wallow in self pity as such, I want to do something active about it. The problem is that I'm not exactly sure how I go about that. Joining clubs and societies I've tried to do but they haven't worked. I can't just will myself to not be shy as the fact of the matter is that I am, but perhaps I think I may be able to act in certain ways that might make me more appealing to others, i.e. changing little things. It's possible to be shy yet popular at the same time. Part of the reason why I might be so shy especially at school as I haven't felt comfortable, haven't had the friends to rely on to help me through school.

    I don't say the answers as most of the time most people can answer it (I don't really get a thrill out of "well done" said by the teacher). If no one else can answer it, sure I'll answer the question.

    The main aspects I struggle with may be classed as small talk. I can never really crack that. I'm actually pretty good at speeches and presenting as it's a different sort of thing. If you give me a topic to talk about it, I'll talk about it in detail and eloquently (well hopefully). I don't really feel shy doing that sort of thing. It's when you're talking to others, trying to make an impression that makes me shy. I get nervous, it takes more effort. Conversation between people also is slighty more random, I'm unable to transform random or everyday events into something interesting (which some have a talent at). At home, I'm a lot better at this (even outside school I'm better at it), but at school I fail to foster friendships and when those friendships between school friends are already in place, I feel as if I'm shunned when I try to be friendly to others. Sure people are polite to me, but there's a difference between offering the hand of friendship and being polite. Often especially later on at school, I felt as if I was the one trying hard to initiate conversation when they weren't really bothered/trying.

    I don't generally want to bring attention to myself so much. I don't take much pride in having a problem which others have. I know what you mean, but really for most of the time at school I've tried to just carry on with my normal life, trying not to obsess over it. It's actually not so much fun to ponder over it. In fact in the early years of school I just kept reassuring myself that'd I'd make friends, and there was plenty of time to make friends. It was only during the last year of school that depression really started kicking in. I've always been bothered about not having friends, loneliness is very hard to ignore. The trick really for me is just keeping myself busy all the time, or do stuff like go to Kingston myself or hang around in the park and talk to strangers. It's really because uni is going to start, my longing for friends is gaining new vigour and I want to make a decent start at it at uni. I feel as if I must of done something wrong at school, and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes.
    Lol! I also suck at making smalltalk sometimes, so have to rely on the other person bringing up the simple, not very important topic and then my trick is just to keep the other person talking.
    If they're moaning about their parents banning them from the Playstation or some crap: 'Haha, your parents sound like fun! Are they always like that?' 'Oh right, well you just have to remember how this feels when you have kids! Or maybe that'll be the time to get revenge' 'Are they nicer to your siblings then?' 'Oh well, at least you can escape to your room and blast out your music or read a magazine' 'So what type of music do you like then?
    If they're talking about some horrendous TV programme that you don't like: 'I've never watched it before, I always seem to miss it. When does it come on?' 'Oh right, so what's it about? Some detective or something?' 'Sounds interesting. Is it like any other programmes?' 'I might try and catch it sometime, maybe set it to record so I don't forget. Do you have Sky+?'
    If they're talking about having gone to Nandos at the weekend: 'What was the occasion?' 'Yeah, it's really nice/I hear it's really nice, much more expensive than your average McD's meal though! Is it worth it?' 'What's the nearest one to here?' 'You have to somehow find out the recipe, then you can have Nandos everyday! Do you know anyone who works there?/Do you like cooking?' etc.

    Just mindless, simple to think of stuff that gets them chatting about themselves, so even if you don't have any relevant experience or prefer not to tell you life story, they will walk away feeling that you're easy to talk to and they had a nice chat and won't even realise you've told them nothing about yourself because you don't find the topic interesting. If you want to add somethings about yourself, then just make a little statement about you/your preferences before you ask a question. If you think the person would be ok with a more in-depth, less-meaningless discussion, expand the topic to something deeper like parents physically disciplinging their kids, or whether tv has been dumbed down, or whether it's understandable for fast food stores to sell cheap, mistreated chicken meat/or whether it's a good or bad thing that many stores now sell only Halal meat...

    blah blah blah yada yada yada!
 
 
 
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