He's so open. I don't think I'm ready?

Hi (anon because there are people that know me on here) :smile:

I'm in a bit of a pickle at the moment. I've been going out with my BF for almost a year, and we've lived together since December. A little background. We are the same age (going 18), and we've both had a hard time (coming out). He seems to be over this, however, I'm finding it a little difficult.

I'm not a closet gay, but I'm not your typical gay. I enjoy sports, gym etc. Whereas he's (I guess) the stereotypical gay, pinks, camp etc.

We went out today (a little road trip) and basically he was rather open. In public he was kissing me etc. I've got nothing against this, but I'm not really into the whole 'public show of affection'. I think he knows this.

However, I can't help but feel that he does this to make a point to the public? He's also rather forward in the bedroom department. I don't mind a huggle, but I think he wants sex - but again, I don't think I'm ready for same-gender sex?

So I was wondering, am I thinking too much into this? and that I'm paranoid, and that instead of making a point to the public, instead he's just rather (proud??) we're together and he wants to kiss me?

Also, how do I tell him that I don't think I'm quite ready to have sex with him?

Reply 1

*Lola_Stars*

I can understand where you are coming from.

As a straight person, I personally hate PDA and I hated it whenever my ex kissed me in public. Your boyfriend will probably be unaware of how much you don't like it. I think that you should just explain to him you aren't in to PDA so that he understands that it isn't because you are ashamed to be with him. Loads of people don't like PDA; it's a common problem for quite a lot of couples I know! One wants to shout out to the world about their relationship whilst the other would rather leave kissing to alone time etc.

If you aren't ready for sex, you have to tell him this openly and frankly.

None of your problems are unique to being gay. They are problems that everybody faces in a relationship.

I would also like to congratulate you on your 'coming out'. I know this can be very difficult but it is nothing to be ashamed of and I'm sure that you are an inspiration to many who have yet to do so.

Reply 2

cabbaman98

If it makes you uncomfortable then don't do it. I know it's the most annoying thing to say, but talk to him about it. It'as the same with the sex thing, it's a big issue for a lot of people, and I'd imagine more so in a gay relationship.
Just don't lwt yourself get into things you don't want to. If you're just a bit nervous, but actually do want to, then that's a different story.

Reply 3

WhereIsMyMind

*Lola_Stars*

I'm not sure. I kinda like PDA. But at the same time (today it was bad), I couldn't help but look around and see if anyone was staring or anything.. and then thinking to myself; 'OMG! I can't stand it..'

I guess I'm going to have to tell him :frown:

But I feel soo bad. He's hugging and kissing me, and then he gets rather forward (am I leading him on?) and then I have to make some lame excuse that I've got something to do that I've only just remembered about.. I feel like crap! :frown:

It's reassuring to know that these problems aren't unique. I've had same-sex relationships, but not to the extent that we're like almost a married couple..

(I'm going to post with my nick. I don't think this deserved anon)

Reply 4

WhereIsMyMind

cabbaman98

I'm not sure on how I really feel (is that stupid?). I wouldn't mind PDA, but I can't but think; 'I wonder what he/she thinking.. I wonder who's looking..' - I think it's probably because we're both the same sex? I don't know! I think I'm being ridiculous! :frown:

I'm not nervous about having sex (it wouldn't be the first time), I think it's back to the same-sex thing.. Perhaps I am nervous? I don't know what really to expect.. but I don't know how I can tell him that without coming across as rather odd. Because I feel I lead him on sometimes..

Reply 5

cabbaman98

WhereIsMyMind

It's not stupid at all, it's not something many people have to deal with at this age so don't feel stupid. If you have no problem with it in terms of image or anything, then talk to your partner and let him know you're uncomfortable but that you would like to be open. So then I'm sure he'd be less forward and you can gradually become more open about it.

N yeah obviously it's a totally different way of doing things, I'm assuming your previous sex was with the opposite sex, so it's those first time jitters again I suppose. Everyone's first time is pretty clumsy, you're just lucky it's a partner who obviously cares for you and will understand.
Overall relationships are down to trust. So let him know you're feeling this way. I mean this is just my opinion, but yeah.

Reply 6

WhereIsMyMind

cabbaman98

Thanks

I think I'm going to confront him about it. For all I know, he feels the same too and does it only because he thinks he's letting me down? :confused:

Yeah it was. I think that's probably it. Just jitters or something. :frown:

I guess nothing more can come of this until we've spoken to each other about it..

Thanks once again for the advice! I guess I just needed to tell someone..

Reply 7

emmie19

Honestly is the best policy :smile:

Reply 8

cabbaman98

WhereIsMyMind

Thanks

I think I'm going to confront him about it. For all I know, he feels the same too and does it only because he thinks he's letting me down? :confused:

Yeah it was. I think that's probably it. Just jitters or something. :frown:

I guess nothing more can come of this until we've spoken to each other about it..

Thanks once again for the advice! I guess I just needed to tell someone..

It's alright dude :smile:

I hope all goes well. Feel free to let us know how it goes :p:

Reply 9

Metropolis

i personally think you should become straight

Reply 10

maxfire

Maybe you should be more open.

OH THE WIT. OH THE JOLLY WIT.

Reply 11

Lisaanne

Does no one else think its odd that they live together but he feels this way???

Reply 12

WhereIsMyMind

maxfire

Maybe you should be more open.

OH THE WIT. OH THE JOLLY WIT.

My OP is littered with innuendos! :eek:

Reply 13

WhereIsMyMind

Lisaanne

Does no one else think its odd that they live together but he feels this way???

I don't get what you mean? :confused:

Reply 14

malleablegrace

I think it really is a case of confronting the issues head on (oh god, no pun intended :p:

)!
As someone said, the issues you're having aren't unique to being in a gay relationship so if you talk to him about it, that shouldn't be an issue.
It's fine to not really like PDA - just tell him that! Explain your reasons, and explain that it's nothing to do with him or you not being proud of being with him, it's just that you don't like the public showiness.
Same with the sex - just tell him you don't feel ready. Perhaps don't specify that you don't feel ready for the same-gender sex in particular as he might think you're doubting your sexuality or being with him or something - just say that you'd like to get used to other means of affection first and have sex when you're ready. It'd be awful if you felt pressured into it.
Also, you might want to point out that you're experiencing a bit of insecurity over coming out. Since he's been through exactly the same thing he should *theoretically* be sympathetic. It's a different experience for everyone who comes out and he should understand that and appreciate the fact that it can be more difficult for some than others.
I really think just being totally honest with him is the best thing to do here - but make sure that you maintain how much you love him, make sure he knows how much he means to you etc. :yes:

good luck!

Reply 15

ta-shi

well, you defiantely have to talk about this. you should be able to compromise about things and talk openly.
thesensible thing about it is, if he likes pda then it's his was of showing how comfotrable he is with being gay (and he's so right not to be ashamed!), and he want's to show you belong together and love each other. you have to put it in the right words to not dissapoint him. probably you can get used to holding hands publicly, so you show you feel the same about him? if you're not comfortable with it, he sure will understand you don't want to snog around in public.
about sex: people have needs, also sexual ones. the key is to talk about it openly, so he knows you're not ready, and it's not that you want to push him back.
but personally i think if you're as far as living together you should be able to slowly approach new levels of physical intimacy. just tell him you're not fully comfortable and need time.