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On the one day I needed him... Watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please keep as anon due to first line.

    So tomorrow is the anniversary of me been sexually assaulted/raped, whatever you want to call it, it happened when I was 14 (now 19).

    Although I am generally fine on this day I really need TLC and can sometimes have panic attacks. About three months ago I told my BF this may be a bad day, and he promised he would make sure he is definitely seeing me tomorrow to distract me and look after me in general because I'll be feeling awful.

    Now some of his friends are moving to London in a week, and they've decided to go to the pub for a leaving thing... tomorrow night. Hes made it clear hes going, has said he will see up until seven when he needs to leave, but its eight-ten that I'm most likely to be upset. Friends are now busy and my parents are away, I now feel really unsupported, I am completely understanding that some of his close friends are moving, but I feel really let down. I am invited to go, I too know them, but I am worried I will have a panic attack or get upset, and I don't want to do this in the pub for my own sake or to spoil anyones evening, particularly my boyfriends.

    Any suggestions what to do? I wasn't worried about tomorrow as had my boyfriend but now I am worrying and really don't want to be by myself but not be selfish either!
    Oh, it happened on my 9th birthday lol. Sorry to hear about that, just try and keep yourself occupied with something so you don't have to think about it.

    Sorry, not sure what else to tell you :\
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    I'm so sorry for what happened and it was more than horrible and at the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you and not anyone else.

    If it's drink that you're worried about makig you emotional you could always just stick to soft drinks or if you find you can't handle being out, you could alays have someone that you could call to bring you home again. You never know, you could end up having fun and that will mean your BF won't need to ask if you're ok cause he'll be able to see you are.

    If you decide to sat home, maybe try watching a film or somthing if you can concentrate on it that is, and then you might not notice the time so much.
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    Go out with the guys. If you are alone your mind will be fixated on being alone and vulnerable, whereas if you are amongst friends and drinking, you have more chance of having a laugh, and taking your mind off it. This is what i'd do anyway, just a suggestion. Hope all goes ok
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    Surely you must feel down on the days around the "annisversay" too. Sorry but it seems a bit unusual that you would sort of set a side a day too feel upset. I would of thought the memories would come back around the time of the date not just on the actual date of it. Forget about it and just try to go out and have fun. Why even let this horrible incident have an anniversary? The longer you keep planning a day to be upset, the longer it's going to take to get over it.
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    The only practical solution I can think of here is for you two to be together and chill out until about half past 8, at which point you both go to his friends' leaving thing, and make sure he agrees to keep an eye on you all night.
    That way you're not spoiling his evening at all, especially as you're avoiding "the time", and you're giving yourself a good distraction for afterwards, too.
    I know it feels like you're going to get upset - trust me, I really do know. But sometimes you have to have the attitude "I'm not going to let this get to me" and you have to be determined even when you feel it the least, and you've got to say f--- it and make an effort to find a positive distraction.
    I know this doesn't sound helpful in the slightest and believe me when I say I have had to remember some horrible things from the past but over the past year or two I've taken the attitude of "if you don't want it to bother you, don't let it" and it has worked wonders.
    Good luck.
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    go out if you can.
    My best friend raped me two years ago, I know how you feel. Message me if you think it'll help
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    As most other people have done, I'd say go with him and if you're feeling a bit emotional, excuse yourself. I do agree that you're putting a lot of emphasis on the specifics - like, the exact time you're going to be upset. I am really, really sorry that this happened and I know it's agonising when you're reliving it in your head, but just try to think of yourself as a survivor, rather than a victim, and be proud of how far you've come.
    • #4
    #4

    I know the feeling, one day after my dad commited suicide the bf went off on holiday when i needed him more then i ever will or have done. nice one.
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    (Original post by joshphillips999)
    Oh, it happened on my 9th birthday lol. Sorry to hear about that, just try and keep yourself occupied with something so you don't have to think about it.

    Sorry, not sure what else to tell you :\
    happy birthday man
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please keep as anon due to first line.

    So tomorrow is the anniversary of me been sexually assaulted/raped, whatever you want to call it, it happened when I was 14 (now 19).

    Although I am generally fine on this day I really need TLC and can sometimes have panic attacks. About three months ago I told my BF this may be a bad day, and he promised he would make sure he is definitely seeing me tomorrow to distract me and look after me in general because I'll be feeling awful.

    Now some of his friends are moving to London in a week, and they've decided to go to the pub for a leaving thing... tomorrow night. Hes made it clear hes going, has said he will see up until seven when he needs to leave, but its eight-ten that I'm most likely to be upset. Friends are now busy and my parents are away, I now feel really unsupported, I am completely understanding that some of his close friends are moving, but I feel really let down. I am invited to go, I too know them, but I am worried I will have a panic attack or get upset, and I don't want to do this in the pub for my own sake or to spoil anyones evening, particularly my boyfriends.

    Any suggestions what to do? I wasn't worried about tomorrow as had my boyfriend but now I am worrying and really don't want to be by myself but not be selfish either!
    I can't really give you much advice about dealing with your bf other than explaining the timing issue to him, but I have some more advice for you:

    If you're still having panic attacks etc on the anniversary, you need to talk to a professional about it. They may be able to help you devise coping strategies, but it sounds as if you still haven't dealt with some of the emotions/issues that are part of the recovery process and they might be able to help you work through this. It sounds as if you have come a long way in recovering, don't let one day of the year beat you.

    Good luck hon.
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    #1

    Thanks for people being helpful Definitely going, doubt I will get upset just if I do now have a friend to go home with me so boyfriend would not miss out, what I was concerned about. Sorted

    As for sarcasm... 'anniversaries' are not exactly intentionally celebrated, but a bad one does tend to stick in your head. No self pity, merely thinking about the day to avoid being upset. Not offended, but no need for rudeness.
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    (Original post by joshphillips999)
    Oh, it happened on my 9th birthday lol. Sorry to hear about that, just try and keep yourself occupied with something so you don't have to think about it.

    Sorry, not sure what else to tell you :\
    Sorry to hear that, really sucks, being occupied is definitely best. Hope birthdays arent too bad
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    :console: Go with him? The only thing you can do is distract yourself.
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    No offence, but if the rape thing really upsets i dont why your sad about it everyday? Why force your self to be depressed on this particular time of the year. Do you think the rapist is depressed/? You have to move you got a whole life ahead of you.
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    When you lie down in your bed and spend hours trying to sleep but can't.. do you know what the best thing to do is? You go and lie somewhere else.. because your brain has attributed your bed with feelings of restlessness.

    The truth is, you're never going to get over it (and I feel for you) unless you start allowing yourself to have FUN on this "anniversary". You're living in the past, you need to let go of all the bad feelings associated with that day and live for today.
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    (Original post by davidac)
    Do you have any idea how ******* mental you sound? Tell you what love, on this 'anniversary' night, put the saddest, most tear-jerking music on you can possibly think of, lock yourself away in a dark, candle-lit room, set your alarm for 8.10, then wrap yourself up in a giant clump of cotton wool. Then when the alarm sounds, start crying and screaming hysterically until you're taken to a psychiatric hospital and sectioned. Just to show this rapist dude that he really has got under your skin. That you still remember the exact time and date of the assault, even though the time and date themselves were quite arbitrary and incidental. That you basically count down the days and months till this exact moment, and that when this moment arrives, you try to make it as dark and horrible as possible, turning it over in your mind until you've made yourself upset enough to cry. It's probably what he wants, and by the sound of things, it's what you want as well.
    Have you ever been through rape?
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    (Original post by Dijobla)
    I agree with this. OP I'm really sorry about what happened to you, but I think you have to stop letting the memory/event have such a hold over you. Go out, have the best time you can and hopefully it will take you a step closer to completely conquering the panic attacks that you associate with this time.
    She's not "letting" the memory have a hold over her- it sounds like she is trying to process it still, and heal, and was trying to make sure she had the support of her boyfriend on the night. Which would make you feel calmer in the run up to an event that has previously distressed you (the date and time). For example, I have appointments for a secondary medical condition every three months and I got very stressy and tearful at them in the past, so I started making sure I always had someone who was a good solid support with me, and its better. And in the future, I will be have the emotional resources in place to go by myself if I want, and not break down sobbing at the thought of being blind at 24.

    OP I think you sound like you are doing your best. I agree with the people saying to go out with your boyfriend though. And I agree with starting to associate the day with calm feelings, so that eventually you will not have overwhelming chaotic and miserable emotions on that day- it will be replaced by a calm headspace where you will be able to recognize the thing that happened, yet not let it control how your head is.
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    (Original post by saoirse)
    She's not "letting" the memory have a hold over her- it sounds like she is trying to process it still, and heal, and was trying to make sure she had the support of her boyfriend on the night. Which would make you feel calmer in the run up to an event that has previously distressed you (the date and time). For example, I have appointments for a secondary medical condition every three months and I got very stressy and tearful at them in the past, so I started making sure I always had someone who was a good solid support with me, and its better. And in the future, I will be have the emotional resources in place to go by myself if I want, and not break down sobbing at the thought of being blind at 24.

    OP I think you sound like you are doing your best. I agree with the people saying to go out with your boyfriend though. And I agree with starting to associate the day with calm feelings, so that eventually you will not have overwhelming chaotic and miserable emotions on that day- it will be replaced by a calm headspace where you will be able to recognize the thing that happened, yet not let it control how your head is.
    I tried to phrase my answer very carefully and you've picked out one misused word- if you read this thread you'll probably find I've been one of the nicer posters.

    Obviously I don't know your medical situation personally but I don't actually think it's comparable with the OP? It's one thing to get stressful in anticipation of an event to come, it's another to mark the anniversary a horrible event which you can't change haunt you.

    And anyway, you've basically just rephrased what I was saying in my post in your last paragraph, so it seems we are in agreement :dontknow:.
    • #1
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    (Original post by saoirse)
    She's not "letting" the memory have a hold over her- it sounds like she is trying to process it still, and heal, and was trying to make sure she had the support of her boyfriend on the night. Which would make you feel calmer in the run up to an event that has previously distressed you (the date and time). For example, I have appointments for a secondary medical condition every three months and I got very stressy and tearful at them in the past, so I started making sure I always had someone who was a good solid support with me, and its better. And in the future, I will be have the emotional resources in place to go by myself if I want, and not break down sobbing at the thought of being blind at 24.

    OP I think you sound like you are doing your best. I agree with the people saying to go out with your boyfriend though. And I agree with starting to associate the day with calm feelings, so that eventually you will not have overwhelming chaotic and miserable emotions on that day- it will be replaced by a calm headspace where you will be able to recognize the thing that happened, yet not let it control how your head is.
    Thanks for being understanding, you seem to get my point! Not planning on getting upset at all, but with my boyfriend I will associate the day with calmer happier things, which is why his company I would really like. And then if I do get upset - hes there for support
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    Good luck, hope it goes well.
    Please let us know how it goes.
 
 
 
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