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    (Original post by Gueirguiy)
    Well here goes my first post on here

    Basically, I am confused as to what to do with my life, I am 17, have just under 2 years of college to complete and I'm living with my mother and brother (the only relatives I have in this country). I am asking you for suggestions and guidence.

    Now to the main point, I've gone/going through a lot of rough experiences as a child mainly due to my mother but lately (past few months) these problems have started having an undesired effect on me, especially my anger, it's getting to the point were I can get furious from just hearing her voice.

    - I have also been suffering from depression for 4 years.
    - My appetite has improven from 1 meal a day to a max of 2, I'm still working on it.
    - Insomnia is getting me down a lot too and even when I do manage to get to sleep, I never feel replenished when I wake up. I've been taking pills to aid sleeping for a few months but I dread them, they induce nightmares which wake me up, I fall asleep again and more nightmares wake me up later.

    As an example of why I feel so unease and confused at home I will show 2 examples, probaly the worst ones for me I can think of right now.

    1. I was in the process of killing myself, wrist bleeding & blade at hand, my mum came home and her response was "go on, do it, I should be calling the hospital, one with a mental institution".

    2. I was 7 years old, visiting family in Moscow, when I was nearly raped by my older brother (no intercourse, just oral), luckily my grandmother stopped it getting further but I have no idea if she ever told my parents because none of them have ever talked to me about it and now she is dead so I can't ask her anything.

    The thing is, I still love my mother, she can be the perfect mother but her inconsitence, her blanking me, lying to me and just trying to have an argument with me at all possible times, I've had to beg her to not start an argument.

    So yeah, I'm just really confused and would also love to hear of similar stories.

    Thank you if you took the time to read.
    My gosh you've been through a lot! I'm so sorry to hear that! I completely understand the lack of appetite and insomnia. I used to be the worlds heaviest sleeper as soon as I feel asleep I wouldn't wake up until someone physically shook me...now I wake up a lot in the middle of the night...as for the loss of appetite, its getting better for me now too. I can stomach three meals again now. Just give your self time, eat when you are hungry and just small regular meals as opposed to having big meals.

    Have you seen anyone about your depression? Doctor and consellor are the people I would suggest. I know going to the doctor sounds like a scary/pointless thing to do but it may help. In fact I'm going to see mine when I go back home for Christmas. :hugs:
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    (Original post by RachelOranges)
    My gosh you've been through a lot! I'm so sorry to hear that! I completely understand the lack of appetite and insomnia. I used to be the worlds heaviest sleeper as soon as I feel asleep I wouldn't wake up until someone physically shook me...now I wake up a lot in the middle of the night...as for the loss of appetite, its getting better for me now too. I can stomach three meals again now. Just give your self time, eat when you are hungry and just small regular meals as opposed to having big meals.

    Have you seen anyone about your depression? Doctor and consellor are the people I would suggest. I know going to the doctor sounds like a scary/pointless thing to do but it may help. In fact I'm going to see mine when I go back home for Christmas. :hugs:
    Thank you , Yeah i'm currently seeing a nurse, she's very peculiar, tends to think aloud, hopefully she can help.
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    (Original post by Gueirguiy)
    Thank you , Yeah i'm currently seeing a nurse, she's very peculiar, tends to think aloud, hopefully she can help.
    Oh thats good, I recommend counselling too if you feel up to it. Its really empowering, makes you feel more in control of your life
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    My counsellor and doctor are trying to get me 'back into' a normal eating routine. Don't think they understand that I've never really had a 'normal' eating routine. I don't eat a lot cuz I don't like food.
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    (Original post by SuicidalLemming)
    My counsellor and doctor are trying to get me 'back into' a normal eating routine. Don't think they understand that I've never really had a 'normal' eating routine. I don't eat a lot cuz I don't like food.
    Yeah I know I'm going to try and see someone about my food issue too. I can go for weeks where I think everything is fine and eat normally and then something kicks in and suddenly I start having nightmares about giant cheese burgers chasing me down the road ( ok maybe not those sorts of nightmares)...I don't know what it is. A lot of the time my brain says EAT but my stomach says NO and my throat seems to close up so I can't swallow and I shake and get an attack. Hopefully Christmas will be ok..I have a Christmas lunch with flatmates today...:eek3:
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    good morning all! I've finished my 5k geophysics report. I'm so happy. :hugs:
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    (Original post by blue_shift86)
    good morning all! I've finished my 5k geophysics report. I'm so happy. http://static.thestudentroom.co.uk/i...ilies/hugs.gif
    Well done! :five:
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    talk someone!
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    Crisis team just came round and had a massive go at me for not being engaged and not believing that I'll get better. They just kept talking at me and I couldn't even understand what they were saying half the time. They said that psychology won't work unless I believe it will work but I have no idea how to do that and what does it even matter when there's a 6 month waiting list which I'm not even on yet. I'd do anything just to get better but I don't know what to do and they don't either so instead they just get angry at me for not trying. Sounds like they might be giving up on me though, which would be a relief. I'm sick of them coming round, all they do is make me cry more.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    Crisis team just came round and had a massive go at me for not being engaged and not believing that I'll get better. They just kept talking at me and I couldn't even understand what they were saying half the time. They said that psychology won't work unless I believe it will work but I have no idea how to do that and what does it even matter when there's a 6 month waiting list which I'm not even on yet. I'd do anything just to get better but I don't know what to do and they don't either so instead they just get angry at me for not trying. Sounds like they might be giving up on me though, which would be a relief. I'm sick of them coming round, all they do is make me cry more.
    superwolf seriously, don't listen to these *****. Just cancel the meeting with those psychos and get a councellor to talk to. Crisis **** is balls - it's probably doing you more harm than good and making your panic! I saw a psychologist who tried to convince me i was crazy - i basically walked out and never went back and have been doing great recoving on my own with a bit of counselling. In fact after my therapist left ucl i've never been back! 4 months without therapy so far and no panic attacks

    I hope you give what I say a go, because I can't see how people having a go at you is going to help you - it's like dictating how to live their lives - you SHOULD be in power, NOT them.

    I hope some of my rambling helped
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    (Original post by blue_shift86)
    superwolf seriously, don't listen to these *****. Just cancel the meeting with those psychos and get a councellor to talk to. Crisis **** is balls - it's probably doing you more harm than good and making your panic! I saw a psychologist who tried to convince me i was crazy - i basically walked out and never went back and have been doing great recoving on my own with a bit of counselling. In fact after my therapist left ucl i've never been back! 4 months without therapy so far and no panic attacks

    I hope you give what I say a go, because I can't see how people having a go at you is going to help you - it's like dictating how to live their lives - you SHOULD be in power, NOT them.

    I hope some of my rambling helped
    Yeah, crisis team are pretty retarded. They were supposed to come and pick me up yesterday to go and see a psychiatrist but they never showed up so I missed the appointment. I'm going home for christmas in a couple of days anyway, so won't have to see them for a couple of weeks.

    How're you today? Got any snow?
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    Yeah, crisis team are pretty retarded. They were supposed to come and pick me up yesterday to go and see a psychiatrist but they never showed up so I missed the appointment. I'm going home for christmas in a couple of days anyway, so won't have to see them for a couple of weeks.

    How're you today? Got any snow?

    Yup London has snow! I had to go give my report in today - down jacket and all! I was a bit worried cos london tube has a tendency of shutting down everytime it snows, but were only signal failures today...i took the northern line and i was fine
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    any depression soc regulars fancy chatting on msn? I'm kinda bored and need company . Not going to go out this xmas i think (cos i have no friends )
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    (Original post by blue_shift86)
    any depression soc regulars fancy chatting on msn? I'm kinda bored and need company . Not going to go out this xmas i think (cos i have no friends )
    Sorry, don't have msn. PM me if you like though.
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    although I know logically there is no hope for my problems, I feel like I must be clinging onto some sort of hope deep down that's maintaining me and allowing me to go on, as the damage is that bad and yet i'm still here, breathing and living in a world where i hardly do anything ? i dunno, i guess i do have hope but as i said it's just too tragic atm and some days are worse than others namely the ones where i sit and dwell on how actually bad things are. meh. it's a horrid circle and i'm fed up.
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    (Original post by Malsy)
    although I know logically there is no hope for my problems, I feel like I must be clinging onto some sort of hope deep down that's maintaining me and allowing me to go on, as the damage is that bad and yet i'm still here, breathing and living in a world where i hardly do anything ? i dunno, i guess i do have hope but as i said it's just too tragic atm and some days are worse than others namely the ones where i sit and dwell on how actually bad things are. meh. it's a horrid circle and i'm fed up.
    you'll be fine. Just stop and look out of the window at a tree with the sun in the background. It is such a pleasurable sight!
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    I do appreciate sights like that and I go into my own zone but it's like other times i'm like, god things are so bad, how am i even coping? why haven't i committed suicide already? why am i not self-harming? i guess it's cos on a daily basis i rarely face my problems as in i don't do a lot. meh. some days i just can't grasp the extent of how bad things are and how im living a life that's not the real me but i'm held back cos of every ******* thing. i really can't cope some days though but worse thing i'm trying to deal with is: the fact that my problems can't be helped, i just have to find ways to deal with them and cope with them- they're not going to go away.
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    (Original post by Malsy)
    I do appreciate sights like that and I go into my own zone but it's like other times i'm like, god things are so bad, how am i even coping? why haven't i committed suicide already? why am i not self-harming? i guess it's cos on a daily basis i rarely face my problems as in i don't do a lot. meh. some days i just can't grasp the extent of how bad things are and how im living a life that's not the real me but i'm held back cos of every ******* thing. i really can't cope some days though but worse thing i'm trying to deal with is: the fact that my problems can't be helped, i just have to find ways to deal with them and cope with them- they're not going to go away.
    Well i must say you do sound like me; my depression makes me feel like death/suicidal, and i've never self-harmed either.

    What i do when stressed and depressed is adopt a "i don't give a ****" mentality. This allows me to just chill out and have fun without worrying about anything. A good way for u to take this "**** it" attitude is to preoccupy your mind; go out, or watch a movie or read a book or just watch people walking past your house.

    I'm just trying to help you find a way to manage the distress you are in. I think i've somewhat found mine by distracting myself and by keep telling myself "i don't care about uni - i just care about being happy so nothing else matters", and it seems to be helping.

    i hope you find something that works for you. :hugs:
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    Oh yes, I do the same from time to time and it does allow me to do stuff i.e. go out, but it's only in the short-term.
    Long-term I'm like , o m g, my life is literally ruined:sad:
    This is how sad/bad things are: I wouldn't even want to watch people walking past my house, I'd rather hide from the outside world. See. Ugh.
    I'm glad it's helping you:hugs:
    And thanks
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    (Original post by Malsy)
    Long-term I'm like , o m g, my life is literally ruined:sad:
    I feel the same . I don't know what I want to do with my life I'm so depressed about everything. I hate uni, will hate life after uni, hate living at home, hate being single ..hate not having friends - so ****!

    blue
 
 
 
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