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    (Original post by melting_snow)

    Hahaha I will be thinking of you also! That's one of the good things about mirtazapine - you take it before bed, and about an hour or so later you are OUT. And you dn't wake up once during the night, hurrah!

    Have your employees been supportive? Mine were fairly crap.

    I hope you;re okay
    Families can be rubbish - it wouldn't bother me if i didn't see anyone other than my son, mum or brother ever again. Still sad about your cousin though. Your friends don't sound like great friends, either that or they just can't cope with your illness - some people can't - i mentioned before i think that some 'friends' have avoided contact with me since i got sick again. sad but true. in my experience, these are the people who've had a pretty easy time at life and have never had the s*** hit the proverbial fan. :rolleyes:

    Hope you don't mind, but I read some of your earlier posts - sorry to hear about your mum; I lost my dad suddenly when i was 14 and no doubt that led to the nervous breakdown 5 years later. I had counselling about 3 years ago that dealt with some of the things you were talking about - thinking that something terrible has happened if people aren't where you expect them to be. Now it's just other s*** that's doing my head in - like being single and generally disatisfied with life! Has your counselling(?) helped at all?

    I may be going out on a limb here, but have you thought about the possibility that, having lost your mum, you feel that you don't deserve to be loved and therefore subconsciously push people away? I know I've done that - after I had my son, i just thought, well, that's it, noone's gonna want me now and guess what, they didn't! Still not quite there yet, but have made some progress on that front

    Hope you're not offended by the suggestion - it's just a thought

    as for the employees - my heads of faculty have been ok, but don't really understand and the headteacher has no inter-personal skills whatsoever, so it would be like asking a piece of cheese to understand how you were feeling. :eek3:

    Are you working again now? Hope you manage to get some rest tonight - shame us prozac warriors can't all be on mirtazapine - it sounds amazing! I was on dothiepin (sp?) some years ago which knocked me out at night, but also knocked me out for most ofthe day too...

    sweet dreams :hugs:
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    (Original post by death.drop)
    It forwarded me thanks

    I just don't know how to approach it. it's such a tricky subject. plus we've been having sex practically every day for the last 2 months and kissing since before we even got together. he'd know that the change has happened since my hospital appointment and I just can't talk to him in any great depth about what happened because it upsets him so much and I struggle to talk about it without crying.

    I don't know if you would have read my post the other week but basically jake (the guy who abused me) put all sorts of things in me and it's ruined my skin, so a lot of things (particularly semen) touching me is incredibly painful. that's what I found out at my hospital appointment. It's really since then that i've gone off things so much.

    thanks for your help though, that site looks really useful.

    Instead if trying to talk about it, culd you write it down? I always find that easier. Yu can do it then without attaching too many of your feelings. I always find it easier to talk about it online or write letters to people to tlel them how I'm feeling, because then not everything I say sounds stupid, and I can articulate myself a lot more when I write. I dunno if it would work the same way for you?

    I didn't read your post, no. I only started posting on this society a few days ago. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. It's terrible, isnt it?


    Sorry I can;t be more helpful
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    (Original post by pilchard_the_cat)
    Families can be rubbish - it wouldn't bother me if i didn't see anyone other than my son, mum or brother ever again. Still sad about your cousin though. Your friends don't sound like great friends, either that or they just can't cope with your illness - some people can't - i mentioned before i think that some 'friends' have avoided contact with me since i got sick again. sad but true. in my experience, these are the people who've had a pretty easy time at life and have never had the s*** hit the proverbial fan. :rolleyes:
    I know what you mean. So, have your friends just disappeared off the face of the earth since you got sick? People who have been there just don't get it. I have one friend I've been friends with for 8 years now. She is supportive, but doesn't understand depression at all. She tells me over and over that I don't really need medication. I had a work friend the other week tell me that I'm not depressed, just lazy :eek: I seem to attact people like that for some reason.
    Hope you don't mind, but I read some of your earlier posts - sorry to hear about your mum; I lost my dad suddenly when i was 14 and no doubt that led to the nervous breakdown 5 years later. I had counselling about 3 years ago that dealt with some of the things you were talking about - thinking that something terrible has happened if people aren't where you expect them to be. Now it's just other s*** that's doing my head in - like being single and generally disatisfied with life! Has your counselling(?) helped at all?
    Did you have bereavement counselling, or counselling in general? How long did you have it for?
    I was seeing a counsellor when she got ill and for a while after, but that was for unrelated stuff. I saw her for 7 months and although it was long, it was very productive. Since then, I've seen a bereavement counsellor, but only for a couple of weeks because she moved away. I've also have rather intense CBT and have been seeing a caseworker since April who I do CBT with. However, I think I need bereavement counselling specifically. I just find it so hard to verablise my feels, especially because I blame myself for my mums death to some extent. I think the other times I've had counselling I just haven't been ready to deal with it and have been in denial so it was rather pointless.

    I may be going out on a limb here, but have you thought about the possibility that, having lost your mum, you feel that you don't deserve to be loved and therefore subconsciously push people away? I know I've done that - after I had my son, i just thought, well, that's it, noone's gonna want me now and guess what, they didn't! Still not quite there yet, but have made some progress on that front

    Hope you're not offended by the suggestion - it's just a thought
    Not offended at all, in fact you've given me something to think about.
    I do push people away, and this is mainly because of blaming myself for my mums death - I don't want to "make anyone else die" (for lack of better wording) either. Also, I don't want to be close to anyone because:

    1. suicidal feelings. If I'm not close to anyone I can't really hurt anyone if it comes to killing myself,
    2. If someone close to me dies, I won't have to deal with it because I didn't know them anymre, if you know what I mean.

    Part of the reason I stopped going to my cousins was because she has two small children (2 & 4) who I love like my own kids and who think the world of me. When I was going through my worst times, they were what kept me alive. So, if I don't go to my cousins anymore the kids will eventually forget who I am, so if I chose to die it wouldnt really matter. Does that make any sense?!
    Have you found having your son has made things easier on the depression side of things? Do you find you have more to live for now than you did before?

    as for the employees - my heads of faculty have been ok, but don't really understand and the headteacher has no inter-personal skills whatsoever, so it would be like asking a piece of cheese to understand how you were feeling. :eek3:
    Glad they've been supportive! I hear you on feeling like you're talking to a piece of cheese :yep:

    Are you working again now? Hope you manage to get some rest tonight - shame us prozac warriors can't all be on mirtazapine - it sounds amazing! I was on dothiepin (sp?) some years ago which knocked me out at night, but also knocked me out for most ofthe day too...
    I handed my notice in last week. I'd been off sick for 6 weeks. Long story short, I posted a video on youtube about how much I hate my job (I worked in customer service) and my manager found it :eek: So he said he doesn't believe I'm off work for real reasons, and I either hand my notice in or possibly be sacked. Heh.
    People at work were also complaining that I was off, because I only used to work 7 hrs a week (being at college and all) and they would whinge because I was off sick when I only worked 7 hours a week. I agree that it is pathetic, but if I can't do it then... oh well.
    They should create a med that causes tiredness AT NIGHT, not through the day, as well as getting rid of all depression-ness. None of this that makes you gain weight or makes you shake or any of that. Maybe we should event one. lol.

    Hope you enjoy the rest of your evening
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    (Original post by melting_snow)
    Instead if trying to talk about it, culd you write it down? I always find that easier. Yu can do it then without attaching too many of your feelings. I always find it easier to talk about it online or write letters to people to tlel them how I'm feeling, because then not everything I say sounds stupid, and I can articulate myself a lot more when I write. I dunno if it would work the same way for you?

    I didn't read your post, no. I only started posting on this society a few days ago. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. It's terrible, isnt it?


    Sorry I can;t be more helpful
    I think i'll probably end up doing that. writing helps me too, means I can really think about what I want to say. I don't know about you but I always walk away from serious conversations thinking 'ffs, why didn't I say this or that'
    it's just such a difficult time as he's moved in today and he's just accepted a new job so for his months notice he's going to be having a terrible time at work.

    I didn't think I recognised you :p: welcome to the soc, hope it's helping you so far.

    and you really have been helpful, just having someone to listen is a huge relief.
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    ffs I wanted to get the room upstairs all sorted for when webber got in from work tonight. We had all the stuff that needed to go in there and it was all empty except the sofa and the wardrobes. I've just come up here and my mum and brother have both seen it as a new space to dump their junk and dry their wet laundry.

    I feel like crying. It was so nearly sorted and I was going to surprise him tonight by setting up the monitor for watching a movie and ordering a takeaway. now it's just another night in our filled up with crap bedroom.
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    Did you get it sorted death.drop?



    i cant sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep
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    (Original post by melting_snow)
    i cant sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep
    You tried exercising? I sometimes jog, do jumping jacks and press ups until I'm exhausted. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.

    If you're bored and want to chat I'm about a while :p: Just had a 2 hour nap but I'm up again.
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    hey hows it going?

    I don't like exercising before bed -- it makes me more awake!
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    (Original post by melting_snow)
    hey hows it going?

    I don't like exercising before bed -- it makes me more awake!
    Just been worrying about uni


    Yeah I can see why it'd do that too, the adrenaline and stuff. Hummm....warm milk? Or alcohol? Alcohol knocks me right out :p: I've been known to fall asleep in clubs because of it. Have you tried reading something boring? I can think of loads of boring journal articles I had to read over the year.
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    (Original post by melting_snow)
    I know what you mean. So, have your friends just disappeared off the face of the earth since you got sick? People who have been there just don't get it. I have one friend I've been friends with for 8 years now. She is supportive, but doesn't understand depression at all. She tells me over and over that I don't really need medication. I had a work friend the other week tell me that I'm not depressed, just lazy :eek: I seem to attact people like that for some reason.


    Did you have bereavement counselling, or counselling in general? How long did you have it for?
    I was seeing a counsellor when she got ill and for a while after, but that was for unrelated stuff. I saw her for 7 months and although it was long, it was very productive. Since then, I've seen a bereavement counsellor, but only for a couple of weeks because she moved away. I've also have rather intense CBT and have been seeing a caseworker since April who I do CBT with. However, I think I need bereavement counselling specifically. I just find it so hard to verablise my feels, especially because I blame myself for my mums death to some extent. I think the other times I've had counselling I just haven't been ready to deal with it and have been in denial so it was rather pointless.



    Not offended at all, in fact you've given me something to think about.
    I do push people away, and this is mainly because of blaming myself for my mums death - I don't want to "make anyone else die" (for lack of better wording) either. Also, I don't want to be close to anyone because:

    1. suicidal feelings. If I'm not close to anyone I can't really hurt anyone if it comes to killing myself,
    2. If someone close to me dies, I won't have to deal with it because I didn't know them anymre, if you know what I mean.

    Part of the reason I stopped going to my cousins was because she has two small children (2 & 4) who I love like my own kids and who think the world of me. When I was going through my worst times, they were what kept me alive. So, if I don't go to my cousins anymore the kids will eventually forget who I am, so if I chose to die it wouldnt really matter. Does that make any sense?!
    Have you found having your son has made things easier on the depression side of things? Do you find you have more to live for now than you did before?



    Glad they've been supportive! I hear you on feeling like you're talking to a piece of cheese :yep:



    I handed my notice in last week. I'd been off sick for 6 weeks. Long story short, I posted a video on youtube about how much I hate my job (I worked in customer service) and my manager found it :eek: So he said he doesn't believe I'm off work for real reasons, and I either hand my notice in or possibly be sacked. Heh.
    People at work were also complaining that I was off, because I only used to work 7 hrs a week (being at college and all) and they would whinge because I was off sick when I only worked 7 hours a week. I agree that it is pathetic, but if I can't do it then... oh well.
    They should create a med that causes tiredness AT NIGHT, not through the day, as well as getting rid of all depression-ness. None of this that makes you gain weight or makes you shake or any of that. Maybe we should event one. lol.

    Hope you enjoy the rest of your evening

    Morning melting_snow

    Certainly wish we could invent a med that helps you sleep, makes you feel happy and has no side effects! would be great

    How can you POSSIBLY be to blame for your mum's death? I'm sure that there's no way that's true - I don't know about specific bereavement counselling as I never had it, we were offered cruse counselling, but my mum (in her great wisdom) declined it on my behalf. She then proceeded to use me as a substitute for my dad - had to take on all kinds of **** and our relationship got seriously f***** up. Was only a little while ago that I stopped hating her for what happened. I still resent her now if I'm honest.

    Sorry you've had such a cr****y time with work and family. I think to a certain extent, you do attract people like that, but NOT because you're a **** person - I think it's because, when you feel like you're worthless, you attract people who think you are and treat you as if you are. But PLEASE believe me - you're not!!! NO-ONE in here is! We have an illness that stops us seeing the world and our lives in rational terms.

    I understand completely what you're saying about suicide - but you're so young and have so much to look forward to, even if it doesn't feel like it now. I used to think that actually, everyone would be far happier and the world would be a better place if I wasn't in it but I know that's not true. At my darkest moments I think about 'if I just drove off the road...' then I thought that I didn''t want my son to be left as the child of a suicide and a father that didn't want to know - so I even considered taking him with me. I definitely don't think I'd do it though - even when I'm in self-destruct mode! I feel terrible about letting my son see me cry, but sometimes I just can't help it.

    HOWEVER, those children would still miss you desperately...I suspect that you're an amazing 'aunt'/cousin to them and they need someone like you (who loves them so much) in their lives. And your 'rationale' for thinking like that is the irrationality of the depressed brain! Try to remember that - it helps me (even when the depression 'voice' is winning over the 'normal' voice) to KNOW that you're being irrational helps, but doesn't take the hurting away...

    Asfor your 2nd point, I know exactly what you mean -if you're not emotionally involved, you can't be hurt - but trust me, you still get hurt! I always let myself get far too emotionally involved too quickly and get crushed - like always


    Your old place of work sounds awful! Probably for the best that you aren't there anymore - could only drag you down more. they sound like c**** what are you studying at college? that's enough for most people - do you really need to work at the moment? you're NOT pathetic for not managing 7 hours a week, if you can't you can't.

    Hope you have a good day today...

    :hugs:
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    (Original post by death.drop)
    ffs I wanted to get the room upstairs all sorted for when webber got in from work tonight. We had all the stuff that needed to go in there and it was all empty except the sofa and the wardrobes. I've just come up here and my mum and brother have both seen it as a new space to dump their junk and dry their wet laundry.

    I feel like crying. It was so nearly sorted and I was going to surprise him tonight by setting up the monitor for watching a movie and ordering a takeaway. now it's just another night in our filled up with crap bedroom.

    Hi death.drop - did you get stuff sorted? it's about time someone looked out for you and took care of you!

    I was reading your earlier posts, does webber know what happened to you? It shouldn't matter if you can't talk about it, he should just try to understand that sex is difficult for you and be patient with you. Is there anything wrong withhim knowing that it's since the hospital appointment? As an outsider, who knows nothing, it seems as though even though you're in a loving relationship, you're still allowing yourself to be abused by having sex when you don't really want to... just a thought. What is your counsellor's opinion on this? (of course you don't have to say!)

    Hope today is a good day for you :hugs:
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    I'm going to be self-indulgent for a moment and have a little whinge...

    still tearful this morning, even though I slept ok (for once) and still feeling desperately sad everything makes me cry... I'm going away for the week and feel panicky that I won't be able get on here - it made me feel so much better yesterday, just knowing that there are others who feel like me. I have a 4 hour drive ahead and don't want to go, but my son is soooo excited. worried i'm going to be so isolated - no internet and no friends around. I'm hoping that perhaps the time away will help me recover a bit, but we'll see.

    Feeling sick and still can't eat - doc reckons it's too much adrenaline because the brain isn't working properly I'm going to buy tobacco today - haven't smoked for a while, but will give me something to do lol

    How is everyone else today?
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    how is everyone today?
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)




    Hey Immunity, how're you?

    Hey, I am alright thanks. Well loads better than I was a few months ago. I am having ups and downs, which is an improvement to the constant down I have experienced before. I am finding it easier to smile and laugh etc, and my friends have said they have noticed a general improvement in my mood. My friends have actually been really supportive and always there for me.
    The nights are still really hard though and I am not back on track yet, but now I can see the light where as before I couldn't. I am just taking things slowly, a day at a time and focusing on my studies. Hopefully I'll slowly get better over time.


    If anyone wants to add me on msn/ring me feel free to pm me. I am not always on here but I am only a phone call away to anyone who needs me. I know if it weren't for people on this thread or my close friends I wouldn't be here right now. I know I still have a long way to go but I think I have found enough strength to continue.

    :hugs: for all
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    (Original post by Immunity)
    Hey, I am alright thanks. Well loads better than I was a few months ago. I am having ups and downs, which is an improvement to the constant down I have experienced before. I am finding it easier to smile and laugh etc, and my friends have said they have noticed a general improvement in my mood. My friends have actually been really supportive and always there for me.
    The nights are still really hard though and I am not back on track yet, but now I can see the light where as before I couldn't. I am just taking things slowly, a day at a time and focusing on my studies. Hopefully I'll slowly get better over time.


    If anyone wants to add me on msn/ring me feel free to pm me. I am not always on here but I am only a phone call away to anyone who needs me. I know if it weren't for people on this thread or my close friends I wouldn't be here right now. I know I still have a long way to go but I think I have found enough strength to continue.

    :hugs: for all
    That's really good to hear you're feeling better than a few months ago also good you've got supportive mates helping you through. That's great. Shame about the nights, I find them hardest too, but yeah one step at a time, you sound like you're doing really well. :five:



    How's everyone else today?
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    (Original post by pilchard_the_cat)
    Hi death.drop - did you get stuff sorted? it's about time someone looked out for you and took care of you!

    I was reading your earlier posts, does webber know what happened to you? It shouldn't matter if you can't talk about it, he should just try to understand that sex is difficult for you and be patient with you. Is there anything wrong withhim knowing that it's since the hospital appointment? As an outsider, who knows nothing, it seems as though even though you're in a loving relationship, you're still allowing yourself to be abused by having sex when you don't really want to... just a thought. What is your counsellor's opinion on this? (of course you don't have to say!)

    Hope today is a good day for you :hugs:
    heya, no I didn't manage to get it sorted in time.

    webber knows all about it, we've been having sex for a couple of months now with no problems so he doesn't really know I have a problem with it. in fact, up until now I haven't really.

    he was quite bothered when we went to my hospital appointment and found out, so I know if he thought it was affecting our relationship that he'd be really upset and I just don't want him to be. I don't want the abuse to become a big deal in our relationship, especially not our sex life.

    I haven't really spoken to my counsellor about the change in our relationship, I tried a little today but I kept getting upset and had to go straight to work after so I said I didn't want to talk about it.

    been a bit of a rubbish day actually and it's all my fault.

    have a good holiday.
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    Feeling so low and alone.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Feeling so low and alone.
    You aren't alone, I know it may seem it and I know it may seem odd but I am here. :hugs:
    ANything you want to talk about?
 
 
 
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