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    Just thought I'd say hi. Steffi introduced me to the thread. When I have more time I will post details.

    :hugs: for all.
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    (Original post by Loz17)
    Just thought I'd say hi. Steffi introduced me to the thread. When I have more time I will post details.

    :hugs: for all.
    Welcome :hugs:

    -

    I'm trying to tidy my room, it's taking bloody ages! I've only got the computer on for music because the programme I was watching turned into a 'self harmers are all emo goths' bashing and I didn't think it was a good idea to watch it. :rolleyes:
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    :cry: Why do I constantly screw up?
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    (Original post by Nothos)
    :cry: Why do I constantly screw up?
    What's happened? :console:

    3... nearly 4 hours later and I still haven't finished my room. And I've remembered an essay that was due in two weeks ago that I still haven't started and has to be handed in on Monday if I want to have any hope of passing the course. It's not long but it's just confusing... I've got to make cakes this evening too, for mi madre for tomorrow... No idea how I'm going to fit this all in. As per usual, I have left 95% of the things I have to do til too late to do them and so I have to try and do a shoddy job. :yy: :sigh:
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    (Original post by blue_shift86)
    i have the same problem - i don't think there is much you can do. I went swimming in the morning and it made me happy. I guess you could just do something that makes you happy?
    Haha, I try but my brain's just like, 'Lol wot?!? This is not sleeping, kthanxbai' Yeah, my brain is a retard haha, but it just switches off. It's got to the stage where I can't even get through 15 minutes of a TV programme and just writing this post uses so much concentration to not drift off...

    Sleeping makes me happy, but that would just mean sleeping 24/7 because I'm not always happy in the morning/when I wake up... Mind you, the Alice soundtrack is making me fairly happy. I'm going to try at 7pm to do my coursework... I'm running out of time now.
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    Oh God. The countdown on my laptop has just informed me that there're only 40 days left until my first exams (2x German speaking)... I haven't even started my expose... Oh God. There's just so much pressure and this one girl from my class... I can't go into it, but she always makes me feel like ****. I asked her to email me the work they'd done that I'd missed and just thinking about it... I lied to my teacher and said that I'd started it, just so she'd stop trying to make me go to the lesson that day because I was on the verge of tears and mid-breakdown anyway... Just like I lied about my History coursework just to get the teachers to leave me alone...

    I'm not going to be able to catch up in time, I just can't... I can barely even concentrate and I just can't face the thought of missing out on uni, if I don't manage to get the grades everything will get worse, it always does because I always do badly... The sane part of me right now is saying that's not right, because I did well this January and yes that's true, but I didn't do well enough. ****, even 100% isn't good enough any more? What the hell is wrong with me?!?
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    Almost had a panic attack today. Brought everything back to me :cry: so lucky my bf was there at the time.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    Oh God. The countdown on my laptop has just informed me that there're only 40 days left until my first exams (2x German speaking)... I haven't even started my expose... Oh God. There's just so much pressure and this one girl from my class... I can't go into it, but she always makes me feel like ****. I asked her to email me the work they'd done that I'd missed and just thinking about it... I lied to my teacher and said that I'd started it, just so she'd stop trying to make me go to the lesson that day because I was on the verge of tears and mid-breakdown anyway... Just liek I lied about my History coursework just to get the teachers to leave me alone...

    I'm not going to be able to catch up in time, I just can't... I can barely even concentrate and I just can't face the thought of missing out on uni, if I don't manage to get the grades everything will get worse, it always does because I always do badly... The sane part of me right now is saying that's not right, because I did well this January and yes that's true, but I didn't do well enough. ****, even 100% isn't good enough any more? What the hell is wrong with me?!?
    Sweety did you ever try that online CBT I linked you too? That should help you snap out of this thinking process; although I do feel exactly the same as you but on a lesser scale.
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    (Original post by Loz17)
    Sweety did you ever try that online CBT I linked you too? That should help you snap out of this thinking process; although I do feel exactly the same as you but on a lesser scale.
    I did, but I have so little time when I can actually give that level of concentration to something and the self-sabotaging side of me from my eating disorder is coming back... Actually I think the ED may be coming back slowly too, but...

    Everytime I think about the work I should be doing, I have a massive urge to self harm, or to try and 'scratch it all away' (love that Evanescence song right now...)

    I just... Argh... I don't want to see my counsellor on Monday either, I don't want to see her again at all. I need a new counsellor who does talk at me and make me doubt everything... I had very few things that were certain and on Friday she ripped that all apart...

    Loz: :hugs: Panic attacks are horrible (she says mid some weird version of one).
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    I did, but I have so little time when I can actually give that level of concentration to something and the self-sabotaging side of me from my eating disorder is coming back... Actually I think the ED may be coming back slowly too, but...

    Everytime I think about the work I should be doing, I have a massive urge to self harm, or to try and 'scratch it all away' (love that Evanescence song right now...)

    I just... Argh... I don't want to see my counsellor on Monday either, I don't want to see her again at all. I need a new counsellor who does talk at me and make me doubt everything... I had very few things that were certain and on Friday she ripped that all apart...

    Loz: :hugs: Panic attacks are horrible (she says mid some weird version of one).
    I remember you posting that you fell out with your counsellor. Are you able to change them at all? If your ED is reoccuring and you want to self harm then you need to see someone you can trust.

    They are I hate them but we managed to find a way to calm me down a little, then I used breathing techniques and watched TV to take my mind of the rest and it eventually went.

    I have also decided that I am not drinking Alcohol while I am suffering. Its made my mood go from really happy to really really low :cry:
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    (Original post by Loz17)
    I remember you posting that you fell out with your counsellor. Are you able to change them at all? If your ED is reoccuring and you want to self harm then you need to see someone you can trust.

    They are I hate them but we managed to find a way to calm me down a little, then I used breathing techniques and watched TV to take my mind of the rest and it eventually went.

    I have also decided that I am not drinking Alcohol while I am suffering. Its made my mood go from really happy to really really low :cry:
    Yeah, I'm going to ask if I can swap to the other one. If not I won't see any, it's safer TBH. A friend recommended a self harm alternative: flicking a rubber band around your elbow. It seems to work... Ish.

    That's great!

    I haven't touched alcohol in over a month (had a unit or 2 with my parents on my 18th), but I've never been hugely keen on it just for the whole 'losing control' although a minute ago that seemed quite appealing. :erm:
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    Oh dear, I've just watched the whole of season 4 of dexter today - what am i going to do tomorrow? I watched season three on thurs/fri too:O....

    hopefully my ocd will give me a break and i'll be able to work tomorrow!
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    I thought I'd be okay to go back to lessons tomorrow, but... I just want to avoid the world TBH. I know I should go, but... Well I don't want the fuss/questions/certain teachers' comments and also... I don't know. I know that I have to face it soon, just thinking about the work I've missed etc usually makes me really want to self harm...

    I just asked my Mum about getting a tutor for History (I'm taking it in a year and just because I've missed so much and the entire A level rests on this summer I feel it'd help), even if I pay she's said no. Apparently all I need to do is 'buckle down' she doesn't even know about the missed lessons... I just. Urgh, she always thinks she right and yes, I know it's mother's day but she's like this about my ED, about the depression I may or may not have. I hate it.

    I'm not going to get into uni, I can't concentrate on work and I've coursework that's weeks overdue that I haven't even started and that I don't get to redraft.
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    :banghead: Still haven't written the ******* essay that's due in tomorrow.

    Woooooo for sliding back down again. The heavy 'I just want to cry all the time' feeling has returned. I self harmed with a pair of scissors last night. And I'll do it again tonight.
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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)
    :banghead: Still haven't written the ******* essay that's due in tomorrow.

    Woooooo for sliding back down again. The heavy 'I just want to cry all the time' feeling has returned. I self harmed with a pair of scissors last night. And I'll do it again tonight.
    Try not to, it's not worth it in the long term. You will overcome this, maybe try to distract yourself with a good DVD or something? Your health and well-being is more important than handing in an essay late.
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    (Original post by kiss_me_now9)
    Woooooo for sliding back down again. The heavy 'I just want to cry all the time' feeling has returned. I self harmed with a pair of scissors last night. And I'll do it again tonight.
    :ditto: except for the self harming. Altough I had to literally force myself not too. It may make you feel better but the scars left later on will always remind you of this time. Thats why I don;t want to self harm.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    I'm not going to be able to catch up in time, I just can't... I can barely even concentrate and I just can't face the thought of missing out on uni, if I don't manage to get the grades everything will get worse, it always does because I always do badly... The sane part of me right now is saying that's not right, because I did well this January and yes that's true, but I didn't do well enough. ****, even 100% isn't good enough any more? What the hell is wrong with me?!?
    :hugs: Sometimes doing well makes things seem worse, because when you're thinking in an irrationally perfectionistic way it makes you feel like you can't live up to your standards in the next coursework/exam. I remember needing 0 marks in my final English A level paper to get my overall A grade, but instead of that taking off all the pressure, it contributed towards causing my breakdown because I felt I HAD to get full marks in the final paper too.

    Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but how're things going with the counsellor, and have you considered looking into other services? In my experience, while breaking lifetime thought patterns is *definitely* possible, it's so hard that you benefit hugely from the right kind of support and encouragement. Your position seems to be that rationally, you know you are capable, and there is no reason to suspect that you're not based on the grades you've been able to achieve, etc. The only things holding you back are irrational thinking and the way in which you approach the work psychologically, and while these feel like insurmountable obstacles, they CAN be changed. If your counsellor isn't helping, please do consider asking the GP if there's anyone else you can see.

    Motivation is such a tricky one... The main thing I've been finding recently is that, as basic as it sounds, the most important thing to do is cut the work down into manageable chunks and try to just focus on one thing at a time, rather than allowing all the work to fuse into one big lump in your head - that's paralyzing. I find I try to take on everything at once and this is what makes me end up hiding in bed and doing nothing instead. It's difficult to overcome, but you need to write down small, manageable tasks for the day - start off with work tasks so small that you know you can definitely get them done, as you need to gradually work up to it and increase your working morale/confidence again. Try to just dip into the work without really thinking about what you're doing (maybe play some music you find calming and just click casually into a work document) - then once you're absorbed in it, it becomes easier to get past the fear.
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    (Original post by dappleddawndrawndauphin)
    :hugs: Sometimes doing well makes things seem worse, because when you're thinking in an irrationally perfectionistic way it makes you feel like you can't live up to your standards in the next coursework/exam. I remember needing 0 marks in my final English A level paper to get my overall A grade, but instead of that taking off all the pressure, it contributed towards causing my breakdown because I felt I HAD to get full marks in the final paper too.

    Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but how're things going with the counsellor, and have you considered looking into other services? In my experience, while breaking lifetime thought patterns is *definitely* possible, it's so hard that you benefit hugely from the right kind of support and encouragement. Your position seems to be that rationally, you know you are capable, and there is no reason to suspect that you're not based on the grades you've been able to achieve, etc. The only things holding you back are irrational thinking and the way in which you approach the work psychologically, and while these feel like insurmountable obstacles, they CAN be changed. If your counsellor isn't helping, please do consider asking the GP if there's anyone else you can see.

    Motivation is such a tricky one... The main thing I've been finding recently is that, as basic as it sounds, the most important thing to do is cut the work down into manageable chunks and try to just focus on one thing at a time, rather than allowing all the work to fuse into one big lump in your head - that's paralyzing. I find I try to take on everything at once and this is what makes me end up hiding in bed and doing nothing instead. It's difficult to overcome, but you need to write down small, manageable tasks for the day - start off with work tasks so small that you know you can definitely get them done, as you need to gradually work up to it and increase your working morale/confidence again. Try to just dip into the work without really thinking about what you're doing (maybe play some music you find calming and just click casually into a work document) - then once you're absorbed in it, it becomes easier to get past the fear.
    Thanks. You're right on everything of course, but I can't get myself to see it all like that...

    I'm not getting along with the counsellor at all, I won't be seeing her again. I'm going to ask if I can change to other other one (in school), if not I have another mental health thing on the 25th, so I'll ask then if the school can't change me to the other counsellor.

    I've just asked the student support person if I can see her, so hopefully she'll track me down sometime today (she always seems to be tracking people down).

    I just feel like **** though, because of school, missing school etc and just... My January results should've made me really happy and I know people will be pissed off with me saying this but... I'm just not happy with them.

    Also, friends have just been talking about birthday parties, which makes me feel worse because I don't want to leave the house apart from for school and I still haven't celebrated my 18th... I just don't see the point.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    Thanks. You're right on everything of course, but I can't get myself to see it all like that...

    I'm not getting along with the counsellor at all, I won't be seeing her again. I'm going to ask if I can change to other other one (in school), if not I have another mental health thing on the 25th, so I'll ask then if the school can't change me to the other counsellor.

    I've just asked the student support person if I can see her, so hopefully she'll track me down sometime today (she always seems to be tracking people down).

    I just feel like **** though, because of school, missing school etc and just... My January results should've made me really happy and I know people will be pissed off with me saying this but... I'm just not happy with them.

    Also, friends have just been talking about birthday parties, which makes me feel worse because I don't want to leave the house apart from for school and I still haven't celebrated my 18th... I just don't see the point.
    I know, I still don't understand why so often we can see the logical thinking patterns, etc but still can't feel them :confused: I think it takes a lot of practice and positive affirmations from a good counsellor. You have to go into counselling genuinely wanting to change how you see things, however scary that may be. I used to go to counselling as emergency damage control and a way to get extensions, so I never really dealt with my thinking patterns. This time I've really tried for the first time, had a great counsellor and I can see it slowly making a difference. Eventually we'll get there I'm sorry it didn't work out with your counsellor but I think it's really positive that you're actively seeking out alternatives - best of luck finding the right person to help you.

    No, I think I understand. I remember getting my January results and feeling fantastic for about 5 minutes... then somehow managing to figure out reasons that 100% wasn't enough or that I probably hadn't got 100% in raw marks... or something equally ridiculous.

    Eurgh, birthdays. My 22nd in January was an absolute disaster. I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself about it. You might feel better in a couple of weeks and then want to do a very belated cinema trip or something. Try to force yourself to go to some social events though. I REALLY didn't want to, but my counsellor urged me to and eventually it got easier even though I didn't think it ever would, and it's helped me to feel normal again.
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    (Original post by dappleddawndrawndauphin)
    I know, I still don't understand why so often we can see the logical thinking patterns, etc but still can't feel them :confused: I think it takes a lot of practice and positive affirmations from a good counsellor. You have to go into counselling genuinely wanting to change how you see things, however scary that may be. I used to go to counselling as emergency damage control and a way to get extensions, so I never really dealt with my thinking patterns. This time I've really tried for the first time, had a great counsellor and I can see it slowly making a difference. Eventually we'll get there I'm sorry it didn't work out with your counsellor but I think it's really positive that you're actively seeking out alternatives - best of luck finding the right person to help you.

    No, I think I understand. I remember getting my January results and feeling fantastic for about 5 minutes... then somehow managing to figure out reasons that 100% wasn't enough or that I probably hadn't got 100% in raw marks... or something equally ridiculous.

    Eurgh, birthdays. My 22nd in January was an absolute disaster. I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself about it. You might feel better in a couple of weeks and then want to do a very belated cinema trip or something. Try to force yourself to go to some social events though. I REALLY didn't want to, but my counsellor urged me to and eventually it got easier even though I didn't think it ever would, and it's helped me to feel normal again.

    I spoke to someone today and they're going to try and swap me to the other counsellor.

    It's all just kind of tough to show my friends how I'm feeling right now, because so many of them are having a **** time too/if there's someone else feeling down, I don't allow myself to, because it's unfair on them :erm:, so I sort of rely on a counsellor to just go and offload to.

    Yep, all I can think is that it isn't 100% raw marks (or that TSR have got it wrong and actually it's out of 120UMS or something)... Stupid I know, as that wouldn't affect my grade but... Well, I seem to want perfection even though I'm not even attending lessons right now.:rolleyes:
 
 
 
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