I hope you guys don't mind me posting here. Not entirely sure why I am really tbh. Just nice to believe someone is listening, I guess.
Just harmed again. That's twice I've triggered in the past week after a gap of almost five years. No satisfaction. No sense of control. Just complete emptiness. Funnily enough that's frightened me more than relapsing - at least on past occasions I got something from it, some sense it was worth it. This time, nothing.
As for why, well, that would be a long story, but suffice to say it's not for reasons too dissimilar to the majority really. We all go through relationship and friendship worries, and some just deal with it better than others. I don't deal with it at all. I know all the right words and all the logic, but it just never seems to latch on to my own situation. I'm now constantly jealous, constantly lonely, constantly angry, and constantly emotional; this is not the person I wanted to be.
People come to me for support and advice, and though I'm happy to give it for its own sake, it always ends up a case of me being on my own. In so many ways it makes sense why
but in others I'm puzzled. I'm so starved of affection that I'm running out of the energy to give it.
The jealousy is perhaps the worst - why them! Why not me! Gah, look at how irrational and contradictory it all is. I'm answering my own damn question.