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    (Original post by Shadowplay)
    I think this is my first post here.

    Please, don't do the same mistake as I did and get into a relationship just for the sake of it, aka because it "cures" you of your depression. I was "cured" for a year or so, well, with occasional (several times per week) crying on my ex-boyfriend's shoulder, because his eyes seemed cold :rolleyes: (they did). Sex was crap, for me at least, he seemed to enjoy it. When we broke up I fell into the hugest sadness ever, yes it was heartbreak, but that heartbreak just turned into another lapse of depression... I thought I would be happy again once I forget my ex, I've forgotten my ex, but sadly, I'm still not happy.

    Stick to the golden rule: To be loved, you must first love yourself. To make somebody happy and to be made happy by somebody, you must first learn how to be happy on your own.

    Virginity at 20 is nothing to be ashamed about =) And when the time comes and you find a girl, you don't have to tell her you're a virgin. Just have the basic female anatomy on your mind
    Oh no no no..:o: I see where you're coming from but trust me I'm not getting into one for the sake of it :yep: I hate saying this without trying to sound big-headed but if I had lowered my standards drastically (something I recommend to no one) I could have easily got into one only down to the fact that the female fancies me..but they came of as reallly desperate which put me off and made me feel a bit like a stepping stone :yep:

    I'm not saying I only want to lose it in a relationship that will definitely last 2-3 years or something..I'd be happy enough if at the time I'd at least been going out with her for around 3-4 weeks. This is where the depression kicks in..because I don't want to go in with the idea of it becoming a long term one, but i that happens it happens. This is the confusing part because I know everyone doesn't seem to have a problem at bare minimum attracting the opposite sex. I have no clue how to do this and it makes me feel a bit ashamed that I can't do it myself :o:
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    (Original post by SharpDressedMan)
    I'm not saying I only want to lose it in a relationship that will definitely last 2-3 years or something..I'd be happy enough if at the time I'd at least been going out with her for around 3-4 weeks. This is where the depression kicks in..because I don't want to go in with the idea of it becoming a long term one, but i that happens it happens. This is the confusing part because I know everyone doesn't seem to have a problem at bare minimum attracting the opposite sex. I have no clue how to do this and it makes me feel a bit ashamed that I can't do it myself :o:
    Have you considered friends with benefits? :p:
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    Well I think yesterday was a false alarm. I feel fine today. Still sucks that I'm single, but I've got plenty of other things going for me.
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    Today's been okay, finally got what ive been waiting for a long time so thats good, hang out with friends outside school which was okay as well. Got an immense amount of work to catch up with though
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    Not feeling good at all today, not coping with the psychotic symptoms. It's bad enough just having one thing like depression, but it's unbearable when you have other things on top of it. Just don't know how to realistically cope being barraged by voices and hallucinations all day now. Have an outpatient appointment tomorrow with a new CPN at Miranda House a place which resembles a prison. I make no understatement when I say it's like a prison, you go in through these electronically locked doors which close behind you. Only way to get out is to ask the receptionist to buzz you out, the receptionist herself sits behind a thick plexiglass screen and next to her watching the screens is a scariest looking security guard I've ever met. The way to the consulting rooms where you see the CPN's takes you past a lovely room labelled white writing on a blue background 'ECT suite' (they utilise Electro Convulsive Therapy there for some patients who don't respond to medication). And when you get to the consultancy rooms they're horrible claustrophobic rooms which feel a bit like interrogation rooms. All the furnishings are soft with rounded edges so people can't hurt themselves, the windows are tiny and high up so you can't try to get out of them. It really is a horrible place to have to go.

    Hate the place so much I actually pleaded with them not to send me back there. If anyone else wants the appointment instead of me, they're entitled to take it. But I know full well that if I don't attend there's a risk they could try to section me again, which in the grand scheme of things is probably worse because it means you're medicated against your will. Difficult choice... do I run, hide, or attend?
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    (Original post by Shadowplay)
    Have you considered friends with benefits? :p:
    Yes. But there's next to no chance of that happening..the only way that would end up happening is if someone took extreme pity on me..seeing as I have nothing else going for me :yep:
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    (Original post by fire2burn)
    Not feeling good at all today, not coping with the psychotic symptoms. It's bad enough just having one thing like depression, but it's unbearable when you have other things on top of it. Just don't know how to realistically cope being barraged by voices and hallucinations all day now. Have an outpatient appointment tomorrow with a new CPN at Miranda House a place which resembles a prison. I make no understatement when I say it's like a prison, you go in through these electronically locked doors which close behind you. Only way to get out is to ask the receptionist to buzz you out, the receptionist herself sits behind a thick plexiglass screen and next to her watching the screens is a scariest looking security guard I've ever met. The way to the consulting rooms where you see the CPN's takes you past a lovely room labelled white writing on a blue background 'ECT suite' (they utilise Electro Convulsive Therapy there for some patients who don't respond to medication). And when you get to the consultancy rooms they're horrible claustrophobic rooms which feel a bit like interrogation rooms. All the furnishings are soft with rounded edges so people can't hurt themselves, the windows are tiny and high up so you can't try to get out of them. It really is a horrible place to have to go.

    Hate the place so much I actually pleaded with them not to send me back there. If anyone else wants the appointment instead of me, they're entitled to take it. But I know full well that if I don't attend there's a risk they could try to section me again, which in the grand scheme of things is probably worse because it means you're medicated against your will. Difficult choice... do I run, hide, or attend?
    Can't you ask to see another psychiatrist? There will probably be quite a few in a big place like Hull, ok might be further to go but it might be nicer. The last one I saw was in a place like that, there were buttons on the walls to get out but you needed a tag thing to get in, and yeah the receptionist was behind glass, it was unnerving. My new one is a horrible woman but the building is nice.

    Have you tried singing/humming with earphones really loud? I know that sounds stupid.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Can't you ask to see another psychiatrist? There will probably be quite a few in a big place like Hull, ok might be further to go but it might be nicer. The last one I saw was in a place like that, there were buttons on the walls to get out but you needed a tag thing to get in, and yeah the receptionist was behind glass, it was unnerving. My new one is a horrible woman but the building is nice.

    Have you tried singing/humming with earphones really loud? I know that sounds stupid.
    Nope Miranda House is the main place in Hull as it also contains the inpatient unit too, it's all centralised. I was previously seen at the doctors surgery whereby a psychologist would come out to me, but I've been told I'm not suitable for that kind of therapy any more and it has to be done in the outpatient setting (all that mumbo jumbo about suicidal ideations and risk).

    The building is designed the way it is due to the inpatient wards on the ground and 1st floor, has to be secure to stop people getting out. So I guess it actually is a prison in every sense of the word.

    Tried all sorts, putting a movie on, music, switching on the playstation. Doesn't stop them though, they're really intrusive and hurtful today.
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    (Original post by fire2burn)
    Nope Miranda House is the main place in Hull as it also contains the inpatient unit too, it's all centralised. I was previously seen at the doctors surgery whereby a psychologist would come out to me, but I've been told I'm not suitable for that kind of therapy any more and it has to be done in the outpatient setting (all that mumbo jumbo about suicidal ideations and risk).

    The building is designed the way it is due to the inpatient wards on the ground and 1st floor, has to be secure to stop people getting out. So I guess it actually is a prison in every sense of the word.

    Tried all sorts, putting a movie on, music, switching on the playstation. Doesn't stop them though, they're really intrusive and hurtful today.
    Oh I see, that sucks :console: What about Peterborough?

    Have you tried being around someone? If I get a hug and just talk to someone it can really help, whereas if I'm on my own everything is so much worse. Or a shower.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Oh I see, that sucks :console: What about Peterborough?

    Have you tried being around someone? If I get a hug and just talk to someone it can really help, whereas if I'm on my own everything is so much worse. Or a shower.
    It's difficult, I really want to force myself to finish my degree no matter how ill I am. Come hell or high water I want to finish so I'm reluctant to switch to Peterborough, although I do know that Peterborough has some of the top rated NHS mental health facilities in the UK particularly for people like myself with psychotic symptoms. It's sort of like at the moment I have to put off all that though because I just want to finish. It's like it's making me ill trying to do work, but I'd probably feel worse if I couldn't finish. That'd really be the final stone to seal my tomb sort of thing.

    Can't go bugging people now it's midnight no ones around And I feel too ill for a shower, getting horrible movement stuff from seeing the ground and walls move around me. Makes me too off balance to stand up in the shower. It's horrible.

    Going to be another sleepless night tonight I think panicking about tomorrow. I'm terrified of being sectioned again and being stuck in that place.
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    (Original post by fire2burn)
    It's difficult, I really want to force myself to finish my degree no matter how ill I am. Come hell or high water I want to finish so I'm reluctant to switch to Peterborough, although I do know that Peterborough has some of the top rated NHS mental health facilities in the UK particularly for people like myself with psychotic symptoms. It's sort of like at the moment I have to put off all that though because I just want to finish. It's like it's making me ill trying to do work, but I'd probably feel worse if I couldn't finish. That'd really be the final stone to seal my tomb sort of thing.

    Can't go bugging people now it's midnight no ones around And I feel too ill for a shower, getting horrible movement stuff from seeing the ground and walls move around me. Makes me too off balance to stand up in the shower. It's horrible.

    Going to be another sleepless night tonight I think panicking about tomorrow. I'm terrified of being sectioned again and being stuck in that place.
    I wasn't sure why you wrote 2 locations but yeah now I see. I think concentrating on trying to finish your degree is a good idea, it's what I'm currently doing as well, but if it really is putting too much pressure on yourself could you take a year out and then go back to it? And yeah I know what you mean about being the final stone :hugs:

    Oh yeah sorry, I forgot the time over there.

    Do you have the number for your local crisis team? they could give you some zopiclone or something to help you sleep.
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    My mum thinks I have a bipolar disorder. :rolleyes: The facts that I have never been hyperactive, don't have racing thoughts, don't seem like I'm on drugs - don't seem to bother her.

    Can it be a bipolar disorder if I have new interests every month? Like one month drawing, the other month playing piano, the next month writing... And they just interchange.
    It's like I'm good at everything I'm completely normal while doing this, sleeping normally, hanging normally with friends, just same old me. It's usually triggered by something - like if I see my friend drawing beautifully, I'll try too, and if I see a movie about Africa I'll start googling Africa. But not obsessively, just normal behaviour you'd see from someone who wants to go to Africa. I always thought that was normal, that I just have many interests that change, now my mum scared me Which isn't helping, as you probably know.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    I wasn't sure why you wrote 2 locations but yeah now I see. I think concentrating on trying to finish your degree is a good idea, it's what I'm currently doing as well, but if it really is putting too much pressure on yourself could you take a year out and then go back to it? And yeah I know what you mean about being the final stone :hugs:

    Oh yeah sorry, I forgot the time over there.

    Do you have the number for your local crisis team? they could give you some zopiclone or something to help you sleep.
    Went to the appointment but it felt like a freak show, the CPN decided it'd be great if he had a student psychologist sit in on the session. Glad to be back home after it, the whole time I was there was just repeated thoughts of I want to leave now. Don't even remember much of what they told me.

    I told them if I had to see them there again I wouldn't come to the appointments in future though so I'm being assigned a home care team where they'll come out to visit me once a week or something. So I at least got something good out of the appointment. They're also putting me on Olanzapine too starting next week. Not sure how that's going to go.
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    (Original post by Shadowplay)
    My mum thinks I have a bipolar disorder. :rolleyes: The facts that I have never been hyperactive, don't have racing thoughts, don't seem like I'm on drugs - don't seem to bother her.

    Can it be a bipolar disorder if I have new interests every month? Like one month drawing, the other month playing piano, the next month writing... And they just interchange.
    It's like I'm good at everything I'm completely normal while doing this, sleeping normally, hanging normally with friends, just same old me. It's usually triggered by something - like if I see my friend drawing beautifully, I'll try too, and if I see a movie about Africa I'll start googling Africa. But not obsessively, just normal behaviour you'd see from someone who wants to go to Africa. I always thought that was normal, that I just have many interests that change, now my mum scared me Which isn't helping, as you probably know.
    Bipolar disorder is the new Borderline Personality Disorder. My CPN had a good old moan about it today about the amount of people being referred for it, he said in 90% of cases it's not bipolar disorder at all just unipolar depression or nothing at all (normal things being misinterpreted).

    To be honest your interests sound perfectly normal. I'm sure if you made an appointment with your GP they'd agree that it's normal too. Probably just got a mother who worries too much.
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    (Original post by fire2burn)
    Bipolar disorder is the new Borderline Personality Disorder. My CPN had a good old moan about it today about the amount of people being referred for it, he said in 90% of cases it's not bipolar disorder at all just unipolar depression or nothing at all (normal things being misinterpreted).

    To be honest your interests sound perfectly normal. I'm sure if you made an appointment with your GP they'd agree that it's normal too. Probably just got a mother who worries too much.
    Thanks I'm certain it's just a 'normal' depression. I was scared for a second there.
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    Eight ******* weeks as an inpatient and only just been given overnight leave.

    Never get sectioned people! It's the worst thing ever.
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    Another day where it's ended with me in bed crying abuot how I'm never gonna be good enough for anyone :bawling:

    I don't have a girlfriends because I'm depressd..but I'm depressed because I don't have a girlfriend Oh how I've missed the downward sprial :bawling:

    It's times like this I wish I had the guts to self harm another thing I'm too scared to do in my life.. :bawling:
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    (Original post by SharpDressedMan)
    Another day where it's ended with me in bed crying abuot how I'm never gonna be good enough for anyone :bawling:

    I don't have a girlfriends because I'm depressd..but I'm depressed because I don't have a girlfriend Oh how I've missed the downward sprial :bawling:

    It's times like this I wish I had the guts to self harm another thing I'm too scared to do in my life.. :bawling:
    :hugs: the right girl will come a long when you least expect it, just don't make the same mistake I have done and accept the first thing that comes your way. You are worth more than you think and its only a matter of time before someone will want to share their life with you, you are still young so don't call off the search just yet, enjoy being single.

    As for me well...sometimes I just wish people would leave me alone, I've got enough things to be dealing with without people playing games with me.......it hurts so bad :cry: it just re-enforces my belief that I am no good, not worthy and that I deserve to be treated badly. It just hurts!!! I can't eat again...the thought of food makes me want to gag...I just don't need all this rubbish right now, I have exams around the corner, as long as I can make it through this first year then I'll be fine with that....but I just feel...so bad...I want the pain to stop.
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    OMG, I officially hate school now. I just dread going in everyday, and having to do various assignments. It's just too much at times and I really don't like it much anymore. I would have been alright if I knew I was going to uni this year, but because of mishaps in Year 12, which some of you already know about, I'm having to do new subjects, and definitely no finishing them until next year . I used to be so excited about uni, but now it really just seems so far away, and it's annoying having to do these irritating A Levels just to get into uni. Especially since loads of people say uni is easier than sixth form. Go figure. Like seriously, I'm not even sure I know what I want in life. I thought about maybe having a gap year after Year 13 would be a nice break from education to clear my head, maybe to do some work and travelling. But I won't have 3 full A Levels after finishing Year 13, so if I wanted to come back to education at some point, I would most likely have to go to college to do an Access course or something, then apply for uni to do English Lit. Well, it's an idea anyway, I dunno if it'll work, but I'll see how things go this summer first. On the other hand, if I do get this depression or whatever it is sorted properly soon, maybe I can handle Year 14 next year, since I'll most likely only be doing two A2s by then. I am fed up with my school though, but I'm not sure I can change to college this year if I cant match the exam boards to my subjects. Especially if I do badly in my AS Levels this year, I may not be able to resit at a different place. Gosh, I hate this mess I've got myself into :cry: My incentives to get into uni apart from the degree, were for the whole fun experience, as well as meeting new people and getting a boyfriend. The fact that that's being put on hold for another year kinda sucks. Wo is me, I complain too much :sad:
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    Plus, these professionals don't seem to be helping me very much . I'm gonna try to call up the counselling service sometime (I'm still on that damn waiting list after, what, 3 months :mad:), I just need to check they haven't forgotten about me. I'm also thinking of asking my doctor for antidepressents. I'm just worried because I have looked at the side effects, and I don't need them to be troubling me whilst I have exams starting less than a month away.

    I also really want to finish learning to drive and pass my tests already. So many people in my year group are driving now, and I expected to have done it ages ago now, but I need to deal with these stupid ass nerves and stop giving up and get my mind in it already. My goal is to do it all this year. Hopefully it happens :yep:
 
 
 
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