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    (Original post by haidoreru)
    First of all, http://static.thestudentroom.co.uk/i...ilies/hugs.gif .

    Please don't do 'something stupid' though - if I'm reading into this correctly - even if things don't go as planned. :'( It's really not worth it. I've tried and seeing the people whom I love and care for cry really hurts more, tbh. There's really no going back if you do so... and there's a lot more to life than just academics, to be honest, even if academics don't go according to plan.


    I know, but it's all I have to show for myself, and I'm screwing that up too. The hurting people I love is the only reason I didn't do it months ago.

    ---

    Just burst into tears in front of my Mum. I don't think she's seen me cry in months, maybe even since this whole thing became semi-official. I can't stop crying now. I need to stop before my GP appointment, but I can't.
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    (Original post by haidoreru)
    Yea, I didn't mean for my reply to be that long but once I started typing, I had a lot to say. :p: I probably shouldnt be procrastinating on TSR and should really concentrate on my essay. Thanks for wishing my luck though! I need it. I'm planning to finish it by friday as my birthday's this weekend.. I guess that's probably why I'm a little more cheerful today.

    Yes, sometimes my advice can be very hard to follow once you're depressed.. Do you have anyone to talk to when you're feeling down? Like a close friend, sibling or boyfriend? Cos it helps too when you have someone to call and talk to when you're feeling low, without having to make an appointment like you would a doctor or counsellor. My boyfriend is the only one here who knows about my condition so I do try to call him whenever I feel depressed and we talk either about my situation or just something really silly to distract me. He wants me to call him anyway, whenever I feel low; I guess he's been keeping an eye on me ever since what happened a month ago.. I usually feel a lot better after giving vent to my feelings and then have the motivation to do the things I've recommended..

    So, does anyone close to you know about your condition?
    I talk to my best friend, he's the only one really. I have a teacher who I can apparently phone if I ever need to but I don't think I ever would to be honest. And I meet up with her every so often to talk. Those are the only people other than my GP and psychiatrist. And I can't stand my psychiatrist. It's good you've got such an understanding boyfriend.

    Its hard though because I don't really feel talking helps. Obviously if I say "I want to die. I've had enough. I feel awful. Its never going to get better" Then I know whoever will just say "don't do it, hang on, it will get better," and I don't find that very helpful... hmm.

    Steffi.alexa- good luck with the appointment. :hugs:
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    (Original post by Saffie)
    Steffi.alexa- good luck with the appointment. http://static.thestudentroom.co.uk/i...ilies/hugs.gif
    Thanks. I think I'm going to end up crying in front of him this time. Should end the 'are you still feeling tearful?' question that he seem to ask me every time I see him though :rolleyes:

    ---

    I really hate feeling like this. It's so different from the mental health problem I've pretty much overcome - that was thoughts, loud thoughts that I learned to ignore and combat, but this is more feelings than thoughts. I just don't know how to cope with it. I feel like I'm drowning TBH :cry:
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    I can't carry on with this any more. The doctor just commented that I was pale, wearing the same clothes as every other time and offered something for my spots. Turns out the CPN has discharged me anyway and basically, jack **** is going to happen. I'm not going to any more of these ****** GP appointments and I'm not going to talking therapy if/when it comes through. Like it did anything for my ED anyway :rolleyes:

    I hate this I ******* hate it. I just can't handle it any ******* more.
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    I'm really tempted to OD right now. The only things stopping me are the fear of messing it up and a my family. I hate feeling like this, I want it all to stop and I can't see any way that it will.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    I'm really tempted to OD right now. The only things stopping me are the fear of messing it up and a my family. I hate feeling like this, I want it all to stop and I can't see any way that it will.
    :console: I hope this feeling passes for you. You're still young and have your whole life ahead of you, don't give up now.
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    (Original post by CherryCherryBoomBoom)
    http://static.thestudentroom.co.uk/i...es/console.gif I hope this feeling passes for you. You're still young and have your whole life ahead of you, don't give up now.
    It's easing. Just feeling despair and whatever. Back to watching TV in the dark I think.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    It's easing. Just feeling despair and whatever. Back to watching TV in the dark I think.
    Cool. Watching TV is fun and relaxing, hope you enjoy it :yep:
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    Feeling... Calmer I guess. Just hungry tired and apathetic now. Unbelievably apathetic.
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    Feeling... Calmer I guess. Just hungry tired and apathetic now. Unbelievably apathetic.
    :hugs: Sorry it didnt go well. I think you have to ask to see another GP. They aren't all the same. I saw two rubbish ones before I found my nice one. Please at least try and see another one.

    I just had a GP appointment too and my GP pretty much asked me why she shouldn't get me sectioned. Sigh

    She also said depression is treatable and even people who feel as bad as us do recover so maybe there's a little bit of hope.
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    (Original post by Saffie)
    http://static.thestudentroom.co.uk/i...ilies/hugs.gif Sorry it didnt go well. I think you have to ask to see another GP. They aren't all the same. I saw two rubbish ones before I found my nice one. Please at least try and see another one.

    I just had a GP appointment too and my GP pretty much asked me why she shouldn't get me sectioned. Sigh

    She also said depression is treatable and even people who feel as bad as us do recover so maybe there's a little bit of hope.
    The other GP there is just the same :nothing: I honestly don't think anything's going to help right now, I know I can be self destructive, but it was never the NHS talking stuff that got me out of my ED, they were far too easy to lie to* and I'm finding it just the same this time.

    *possibly only because I was a healthy weight when I was referred to them so they saw me like every 3 months or something, giving me enough time to regain any weight.

    :hugs: I hope you get better soon, and that your GP is supportive. (This is a rubbish response - I'm way too numb to actually respond properly right now).
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    (Original post by Saffie)
    I talk to my best friend, he's the only one really. I have a teacher who I can apparently phone if I ever need to but I don't think I ever would to be honest. And I meet up with her every so often to talk. Those are the only people other than my GP and psychiatrist. And I can't stand my psychiatrist. It's good you've got such an understanding boyfriend.

    Its hard though because I don't really feel talking helps. Obviously if I say "I want to die. I've had enough. I feel awful. Its never going to get better" Then I know whoever will just say "don't do it, hang on, it will get better," and I don't find that very helpful... hmm.

    Steffi.alexa- good luck with the appointment. :hugs:
    Yes, I can understand where you're coming from though. Sometimes, I don't feel like talking either and also feel like talking wouldnt really help. But you know, it is true that we have to hang on, and sometimes talking does help, I think, even if we don't consciously realise it? That's how I feel anyway... at least I find that I can cope with my situation a lot better now.

    Anyway, only talk to other people about your situation when you feel like you want or need to though; if you don't, then you shouldnt force yourself too much.. It would probably make you feel more reluctant to talk if you force yourself and place more pressure on yourself. Try to keep calm and collected most of the time. That's what I do... I always try to keep the times when I need to talk about my situation minimal and restricted to my doctor and boyfriend (would probably include the counsellor this friday as it would be my first appointment) because it always upsets me a lot whenever I talk about it and would spend the entire day, trying to recover or would mope in my room...

    So, I don't know if it's healthy to control and numb my feelings most of the time and only talking when necessary during appointments and whenever I feel like it's too much to handle. But I guess this works for me as I find that I can function almost normally when I subdue my feelings.

    could I ask though? What else do you do to try to overcome your problem?

    I don't know if what I'm saying is going to be helpful to you, as my depression isn't as severe... but I thought I could try to suggest some things anyway; I'm not claiming to be an expert but just basing my thoughts on my own experience... :hugs:
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    The other GP there is just the same :nothing: I honestly don't think anything's going to help right now, I know I can be self destructive, but it was never the NHS talking stuff that got me out of my ED, they were far too easy to lie to* and I'm finding it just the same this time.

    *possibly only because I was a healthy weight when I was referred to them so they saw me like every 3 months or something, giving me enough time to regain any weight.

    :hugs: I hope you get better soon, and that your GP is supportive. (This is a rubbish response - I'm way too numb to actually respond properly right now).
    Well you deserve proper help and fast. Maybe you could join another GP surgery and get an emergency appointment there? Ask your mum to try to sort it out if she's willing? Or do you have 'walk in centres' in your area where you can just drop in and see someone?

    And its okay, I feel kind of okay right now anyway :hugs:
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    I know, but it's all I have to show for myself, and I'm screwing that up too. The hurting people I love is the only reason I didn't do it months ago.

    ---

    Just burst into tears in front of my Mum. I don't think she's seen me cry in months, maybe even since this whole thing became semi-official. I can't stop crying now. I need to stop before my GP appointment, but I can't.
    Aw, :hugs:, it's alright to cry sometimes. I know that what I've said here have pretty much been all about control, keeping a tight schedule, a strict routine and keeping these feelings of depression down... but it's alright to cry when it all becomes too much to deal with. I think crying does help a little, even if it's just a physical release... although I always feel rubbish after and that's why I keep it minimal.

    I know it must be really hard for you to try to be better for the people you love and also for yourself; but I think we've just got to keep pushing and going forward; I'm really glad that I didnt do it a month ago... because I do have a reason to live for. I believe we all do. Even if it seems like there isn't sometimes, there definitely is something hopeful to look forward to in the future I think... and sometimes in the present moment too. There's love in the world.

    I know that I sound MASSIVELY cheesy there and I'm bordering on uttering aphorisms, but we should be willing to believe in anything positive right?

    Ah, I feel like I'm uttering nonsense here, for some reason and no matter what I say, it all seems.... not to hit the mark, really. I want to help you, myself and others, really; but it is pretty hard. I know I'm all sunshine-y and positive at the moment; but I pretty much cry myself to sleep every other night, really.

    I hope you'll feel better soon though. :hugs:
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    (Original post by Saffie)
    Well you deserve proper help and fast. Maybe you could join another GP surgery and get an emergency appointment there? Ask your mum to try to sort it out if she's willing? Or do you have 'walk in centres' in your area where you can just drop in and see someone?

    And its okay, I feel kind of okay right now anyway http://static.thestudentroom.co.uk/i...ilies/hugs.gif
    It was my mother who got them to take me off antidepressants in the first place. If she hadn't been so 'You'll get addicted and turn into a lunatic and try to murder people in your sleep' then I might be a bit better by now, it was about 3 months ago. The walk in stuff is with my GP. I just don't want to see any of those type of people, to hell with them. I'm going to stay in my room and rot. :nothing:

    That's great! :hugs:
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    (Original post by haidoreru)
    Aw, http://static.thestudentroom.co.uk/i...ilies/hugs.gif, it's alright to cry sometimes. I know that what I've said here have pretty much been all about control, keeping a tight schedule, a strict routine and keeping these feelings of depression down... but it's alright to cry when it all becomes too much to deal with. I think crying does help a little, even if it's just a physical release... although I always feel rubbish after and that's why I keep it minimal.

    I know it must be really hard for you to try to be better for the people you love and also for yourself; but I think we've just got to keep pushing and going forward; I'm really glad that I didnt do it a month ago... because I do have a reason to live for. I believe we all do. Even if it seems like there isn't sometimes, there definitely is something hopeful to look forward to in the future I think... and sometimes in the present moment too. There's love in the world.

    I know that I sound MASSIVELY cheesy there and I'm bordering on uttering aphorisms, but we should be willing to believe in anything positive right?

    Ah, I feel like I'm uttering nonsense here, for some reason and no matter what I say, it all seems.... not to hit the mark, really. I want to help you, myself and others, really; but it is pretty hard. I know I'm all sunshine-y and positive at the moment; but I pretty much cry myself to sleep every other night, really.

    I hope you'll feel better soon though. http://static.thestudentroom.co.uk/i...ilies/hugs.gif
    Thanks. I'm just fed up of the constant, gut-wrenching, crying so hard that you just can't stop or control it, you know?

    And as I said earlier, I'm too numb/my mind is now officially mush to actually write more than a few lines, but thank you for your reply and I hope you start feeling better too :hugs:

    ------

    However, i do have one little rant: I can't believe people. I can't go into depth but just every now and then I'd like some support you know? I'm not talking about my parents - my Mum now seems genuinely concerned (although still of the Daily Fail belief that this will pass of it's own accord/all I need is some exercise or whatever) and my Dad is trying to be nice to me, but as I rarely leave my room there's little he can do or say to me.

    I do want to be left alone, but just every now and again, I'd like someone to give a damn (outside of family) whether I live or die, or even just how I'm feeling because I feel ******* **** (that's not going to show because of the swear filter, but oh well). I have never felt so low, not even at the depths of my anorexia. I've never cried so hard as I do now. But I have no one to give a damn. I knew it was coming, I'm just a little cheesed off and now want nothing to do with anyone.

    I don't feel so numb now :cry2:

    Oh and one more thing: I feel like my school doesn't care any more. I just... Urgh. I honestly have no one to talk to about any of this any more and I have exams to get through if I'm to go to uni, which I really, really want, but with everything - the missing the last 3 months of school because of this, the difficulty revising because of bursting in to tears and I'm pretty worried I'll have a massive panic attack in my first exam - I just don't see me getting the grades :cry:
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    Thanks. I'm just fed up of the constant, gut-wrenching, crying so hard that you just can't stop or control it, you know?

    And as I said earlier, I'm too numb/my mind is now officially mush to actually write more than a few lines, but thank you for your reply and I hope you start feeling better too :hugs:

    ------

    However, i do have one little rant: I can't believe people. I can't go into depth but just every now and then I'd like some support you know? I'm not talking about my parents - my Mum now seems genuinely concerned (although still of the Daily Fail belief that this will pass of it's own accord/all I need is some exercise or whatever) and my Dad is trying to be nice to me, but as I rarely leave my room there's little he can do or say to me.

    I do want to be left alone, but just every now and again, I'd like someone to give a damn (outside of family) whether I live or die, or even just how I'm feeling because I feel ******* **** (that's not going to show because of the swear filter, but oh well). I have never felt so low, not even at the depths of my anorexia. I've never cried so hard as I do now. But I have no one to give a damn. I knew it was coming, I'm just a little cheesed off and now want nothing to do with anyone.

    I don't feel so numb now :cry2:

    Oh and one more thing: I feel like my school doesn't care any more. I just... Urgh. I honestly have no one to talk to about any of this any more and I have exams to get through if I'm to go to uni, which I really, really want, but with everything - the missing the last 3 months of school because of this, the difficulty revising because of bursting in to tears and I'm pretty worried I'll have a massive panic attack in my first exam - I just don't see me getting the grades :cry:
    Aw, . I can understand how you feel though. I think I... probably would have done it a month ago, if I hadn't been depending on my boyfriend for emotional support. I'm grateful I have him, to be honest... because I don't have any of my family here as they're all 7,000 miles away back at home (I'm an international student, you see - been in england for the past 5 years) - my boyfriend's my only family here, you could say. So, I would feel completely alone if he wasnt here in the same uni with me.

    For the moment, you have your A Level exams right? They must be right round the corner? It's perfectly normal to feel very stressed and I guess we probably have it a lot worse than people who don't have depression.

    You sound very upset and tired this evening; are you also trying to study at the moment? There's no point in revising if you feel like nothing's going to go into your head - you're just going to end up putting even more pressure and stress on yourself.

    Maybe try to do something relaxing tonight which could distract you and perhaps try to get to bed early and have an early start with revision tomorrow morning? (Do you still have classes at the moment? )
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    (Original post by haidoreru)
    Aw, . I can understand how you feel though. I think I... probably would have done it a month ago, if I hadn't been depending on my boyfriend for emotional support. I'm grateful I have him, to be honest... because I don't have any of my family here as they're all 7,000 miles away back at home (I'm an international student, you see - been in england for the past 5 years) - my boyfriend's my only family here, you could say. So, I would feel completely alone if he wasnt here in the same uni with me.

    For the moment, you have your A Level exams right? They must be right round the corner? It's perfectly normal to feel very stressed and I guess we probably have it a lot worse than people who don't have depression.

    You sound very upset and tired this evening; are you also trying to study at the moment? There's no point in revising if you feel like nothing's going to go into your head - you're just going to end up putting even more pressure and stress on yourself.

    Maybe try to do something relaxing tonight which could distract you and perhaps try to get to bed early and have an early start with revision tomorrow morning? (Do you still have classes at the moment? )
    :hugs: Well it's good that you have someone you can count on with you :yep:

    Yeah, first one in like 8 days. I haven't even finished learning the course yet, as I've been self teaching the last half, so I have no choice but to study. I'm not a complete sobbing mess though, so I should be able to in a few minutes, I'm so close to finishing this stage of revision. :erm:
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    :hugs: Well it's good that you have someone you can count on with you :yep:

    Yeah, first one in like 8 days. I haven't even finished learning the course yet, as I've been self teaching the last half, so I have no choice but to study. I'm not a complete sobbing mess though, so I should be able to in a few minutes, I'm so close to finishing this stage of revision. :erm:
    Oh, good luck with that! :hugs: 8 days is a long time... but make sure you still get enough rest and don't overwork yourself though!

    Good, sleep well tonight and try to keep your mind as blank as possible and don't dwell on things... I find that when I do that, I end up not sleeping for hours!

    I've got to get back to writing this 5,000-word essay now... it's the only thing left for me to complete my degree. I'm probably looking at a whole week of being sleep-deprived and I'm probably pulling an all-nighter tonight (ahhh. ).
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    (Original post by steffi.alexa)
    :hugs: Well it's good that you have someone you can count on with you :yep:

    Yeah, first one in like 8 days. I haven't even finished learning the course yet, as I've been self teaching the last half, so I have no choice but to study. I'm not a complete sobbing mess though, so I should be able to in a few minutes, I'm so close to finishing this stage of revision. :erm:
    steffi, you have to be thankful for the small things that you can do. :hugs:

    I haven't been able to concentrate on doing any work today or for weeks now. Potentially I could fail, but I haven't failed yet. :erm: But I've actually eaten today so that cancels out not working. Kind of :p:

    At least your parents know, my mum doesn't have a ******* clue. She's oblivious, selfish and wrapped up in herself and god knows that I would have done something very stupid by now, if it wasn't for my godparents and the most amazing teacher that I have at school.
 
 
 
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